Based on this comment - have I been badly brought up?

[Canwehaveahotsummer]

There was a conversation at work between myself and two colleagues. We are all roughly the same age give or take 5 years. I’ll call them Sam, Hannah and me.

Sam was saying how she was going to visit her mum but how she’d have to eat lasagne again, as her mum always makes lasagne when she visits. She was saying how she hates lasange and it makes her want to gag.

I asked Sam why she doesn’t just kindly tell her mum that she doesn’t like lasagne and ask if she could make something else.

Sam and Hannah both looked at me like I had two heads. Sam said that she couldn’t say that.

Hannah then said that I would think that because I hadn’t been brought up well, like Sam had and so wouldn’t understand that you can’t say things like that.

It played on my mind a bit because I do have doubts and insecurities about my background, but I don’t think I’m rude or behave in a rude way.

When I first met my now dh he was making poached eggs for us a lot when I stayed at his house. He made the eggs very very runny, and they were getting more runny each time to the point that they were quite slimy. I mentioned it once and said I liked mine slightly more cooked. He got really upset and said that I was out of order and how if someone makes you food you should eat it and shut up whether you like it or not.

I don’t see it that way, so for example I always made scrambled eggs and they were a bit shit. Dh (around the same time as he got upset with me) showed me how to make them a better way and I took it on board as they were definitely better ‘his way’.

I certainly wouldn’t go round to anyone’s house and start criticising their cooking. But if a very close family member such as my mum or Dh was making repeatedly something that I hated I would gently ask if we could perhaps have something else.
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There is a difference between I don’t like Lasagna- perfectly acceptable, I like lasagna but don’t like this element - needs tact and depends if it is someone who will be cooking it again for you. And I don’t like your lasagna which is just rude

there is a great children’s book Daisy Eat your peas which shows this and highlights how everyone is allowed to like and dislike stuff and as long as done politely is fine to say

I remember once ny FIL cooked me my meal from hell (pork in a prune sauce) it was the day of the July 5th London bombings and we had not been due round his for dinner but we had to walk from where we both worked in north London to DH sister in south London where FIL collected us in his car and we stayed at his until the trains were running and we could get home so he cooked for us. And I ate it but later on he realised I hate all forms of dried fruit and don’t really like pork but understood why at the time I didn’t say anything!

Telling colleagues how much you dread your mum’s food is rude.

Commenting on a colleague’s upbringing and manners (or lack of) is incredibly rude.

You are definitely not the problem here, but I do wonder if your insecurities and perceived notion that they’re “better” for growing up middle class is why they think they can get away with being so rude to you.

Yes, my 84 year old mother was brought up this way. Eat what you are given and be grateful for it. And never, ever question adults or those in authority.

My mum tried really hard to raise myself and my siblings differently. I, in turn, have a far more open communication style with my own dc.

So @Canwehaveahotsummeryour colleagues’ views are rather old fashioned. I would be very wary of someone who commented on how I had been raised - that is incredibly rude of her.

I think there's two different scenarios - being brought up without a lot of money so you ate what you were given; or being brought up with an awful cook as a parent who would fly off the handle at any criticism.

I had the latter and was forced to eat many bloody awfully cooked meals, even as they were stone cold. DH had the former and now will eat anything, but mention afterwards could it be more X or less Y if we had it again.

I can understand not saying 'urgh, I HATE your lasagne, it tastes of poo and it's disgusting! Now get back in that kitchen and make something to appease my Princess Palate!'. That would be rude.

But 'mum, I've really gone off lasagne, but I love your roast dinners, could we have one of those next time I'm over please?' Isn't rude in the least.

There are ways of putting something... and then there are other ways.

Rude:
"Yuk, not lasagne again, I’ve always hated it!"
"The way you cook the eggs makes me want to vomit!"

Not rude at all:
"Actually I’ve gone off lasagne, perhaps you could make something different, if that’s ok? I always enjoy your shepherd's pie."
"Please could you leave my egg in the water for another minute or two, I like them firmer than you do." (Said before the eggs are removed from the water.)

Anyone who thinks they can’t politely express an easy preference (before the food is cooked) is just silly.

I think Sam's mother didn't bring her up well if she has no idea her daughter hates lasagne

Imagine having such a poor relationship with your mum you couldn't tell her you weren't keen on lasagne or suggest the meals were switched up a bit, in advance of course.

It is rude if someone has made a meal and you refuse to eat it, but someone who is cooking for you regularly of course you tell them!

Those types of upbringings though also tend to come alongside not telling people to THEIR face they’ve been badly brought up (or similarly rude stuff).

Ha ha this is one of the nuttiest things I’ve ever read! Of course you should be able to say you e gone off a particular food without causing a big drama! My daughter and I will frequently analyse our cooking-to an outsider it might seem as if we’re being critical but it’s just discussing how it could be improved next time! My dh is a bit like this though. He is more of the opinion that if someone has cooked for you, it’s rude not to eat it. It imo, you should be honest with family-honest doesn’t mean rude.

This is such a British thing!

My DH is from a Middle Eastern country where they are quite blunt as a culture. My mother is frequently horrified by his refusal to pussyfoot around in making his feelings clear. She still talks in hushed tones of the time he asked if she could open the lounge window instead of sweltering quietly.

This. I'd find it absolutely bizarre if I couldn't tell my parents about food I didn't like. My parents themselves would be wondering themselves where they went wrong if I wasn't able to tell them!

Of course there's no need to be rude, but all my close friends and family know my likes and dislikes and vice versa. Though saying that I don't think my lovely FIL has ever got over his horror at the egg curry myself and my husband made for him about 10 years ago 😂

They are mad! Why would you let someone go to the effort of making a home cooked meal in the belief they are making something you love when you know in advance you won't enjoy it? If they've made it before, you don't have to make them feel bad by saying you hate it, but you could but in a request for something they cook that you do like. Or just say you've gone off it.

My DH and his siblings used to do this with his mum though and I never never understood it. She wanted to make her children happy so why they faked liking something to make her happy rather than using their words to make a request and then being genuinely appreciative, I could never understand.

It wasn't the done thing to criticise DMs cooking when I was a child and it was very much eat up or go hungry. I'm late 50s and I think this type of attitude was really common when i grew up, certainly I had a happy childhood and lovely parents, but like OP I would not tell my mum I didn't like what she's cooked, I would simply eat it and thank her. My DC make it very clear when they dislike a certain food. This did, when they were younger, cause friction with DM, when they wouldn't eat what she'd cooked. The DC learned not to complain at grandmas, she learned not to give them mushrooms and we only ate there very occasionally, if it had been more often I would have been more active in resolving it, or so i like to think now! I think this can be a generational thing.

This has reminded me that my MIL got into her head that I loved apple pie and would serve it up (shop bought, not particularly nice version) every time I visited.

I don't mind apple pie and would eat it but when she said "it's your favourite isn't it?" I did reply "I like it, but I wouldn't say it's my favourite, I prefer x, y and z" every single time, but she continued to believe it.

Similar to the way that the dad of my DS's best friend at school was convinced my name was one thing when it was actually something similar but different (think Jane/Janet) and no matter how often I corrected him, he continued to use the wrong name. I think a lot of people just get an idea in their head and it can't be shifted.

Ridiculous! My DC would tell me, politely, when they disliked something from the age of 10 and they still would. My DGC would also do so. It’s not a big deal as long as they are polite about it.

I haven’t been brought up very well either then and neither have my kids lol, they sound like a pair of mugs who are gonna spend the rest of their life eating things they don’t like just because they can’t tell their own mothers they don’t like something.

They are being ridiculous - if one can't say to one's mother 'I don't like this or that', I don't know if there is a parental relationship there at all. A parental home should be the place where you can express anything - your fears, dislikes, hesitations - anything. And a person who was properly brought up would never say to anyone else, that they were not properly brought up, even if they were not properly brought up.

Is it even real? It’s reads strangely to me. In what world would colleagues tell you, in this scenario, you were badly brought up?

Anyway, assuming it is real, no you weren’t badly brought up, your colleagues are weird and rude, as is your dh. You’re the only well brought up one amongst you.

My adult kids have never had a problem telling me they don’t like something and I’m glad. I’d be mortified if I’d been making the same dish every time they came over and they secretly hated it. But that would never happen because I brought my kids up properly - to have a voice.

I think if you can’t be honest with your own mother then there is something wrong there. My mother wouldn’t be offended if I said I didn’t like something… she’d rather know.

I think, it's incredibly rude to comment on someone's upbringing. Rude and nasty. They obviously don't know the first thing about manners or social conduct so you can safely dismiss anything they say about it.

Previously, if I didn't like a particular dish I'd say it. My children certainly tell me. As long as they are polite about it I'll take it on board. Dh isn't very fussy (about food) and rarely complains about food but if something is horrible I would like him to say it. I don't want to put in effort and resources if someone hates the food. I do know which dishes and which vegetables he doesn't like now.

I wouldn't tell anyone outside my family if I didn't like their cooking especially if I didn't have to eat it every day. My mum used to be a fantastic cook and except for a few things i loved her food. She jnows which things they are and won't be. offended if i dont like them. It's the dish. Not her cooking.

Now with age and depression her food isn't that tasty anymore but I wouldn't complain because I don't want to hurt her feelings. However, if she made every time I visit a particular dish I couldn't stand it I would probably tell her so she doesn't waste time making it.

I would have thought that part of hosting was to ask how someone wants their food - "How do you like your steak?" and not assume that everyone likes it the same way. I always do the same thing for dinner when my daughter comes home because it's a treat that she enjoys but if she went off it for any reason she would tell me and I could do something different.

I've also got a lot of kids and they're all adults now, so I have to go through the 'quiz' when one of them is coming over for food - 'are you the one that doesn't like prawns, or are you the one that hates lamb?'

They will then list out their food preferences and I will cook accordingly. I'm not wasting nice food on something they won't eat, but I do get them mixed up sometimes (because some of them will eat some things and other won't touch it while others don't mind but don't really love it...)

Being able to tell a close family member that you prefer certain foods is normal and indicates a healthy relationship.

However a lot of people don't have healthy family relationships. A significant number of those people aren't consciously aware that the relationship isn't healthy, although they may be aware that it they find it stressful, and end up, for example, eating food they hate because they're afraid to say they don't like it. The friend who said that it's rude to tell someone you don't want to eat something is repeating a childhood rule that they've been unable to move past. The daft thing is, this is such a minor thing. It's just food. It's just saying I don't like x food, can we have something else. It shouldn't be a big deal, it's not a personal insult. It's not something that anyone should be afraid to say.

My kids can tell me they don't like/want something, because our relationship is normal.

I struggle to tell my mother I don't like/want something, because the rules that were laid down in childhood are that this isn't allowed and is unacceptable behaviour. The adult is always right. If I do try to say, it's usually ignored anyway. It's a no win situation.

One of these relationships is healthy and one is most definitely not.

They have been brought up the good old British way, do as you’re told, eat what your given and any criticism, however well meaning or constructive is a grave insult, to be (privately) resented and stewed over for eternity. Same reason folk won’t complain in restaurants. On the other hand the increasing individualistic entitlement, fussiness and demanding to be pandered to is even worse. Not that that’s you here, should be fine to say that to your own family.