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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I hate having two kids

338 replies

itwouldbefineif · 14/04/2025 18:15

Hate it. Hate it. All of my friends were one and done and I sort of wish I’d done the same. Except then I wouldn’t have one of them. It would be fine if I was a SAHM and I only had one at a time but I can’t do that.

OP posts:
LocalHobo · 14/04/2025 20:23

Easier said than done though … we just don’t have anyone to have them.
Unless you are really struggling financially, now is the time to find a good local babysitter. Establishing a relationship with a reliable local now, even if it is only for 2 hours to go to a movie together, will pay off when you need babysitting in the future.

Flutterbyby · 14/04/2025 20:23

catstudies · 14/04/2025 20:22

It is. But I don't like the question as it is just another thing to hold op responsible for - not picking the right partner.

The reality, even in 2025, is that dads are not doing their share. They are ‘good’ dads and partners if they do just a bit on top of the min accepted of them. And you just do not know what kind of parent they’ll be until they become one.

Show quote history

Plenty of them do their full share, don't act like they're all poor.

Scrabblingaround · 14/04/2025 20:26

It is hard, and those are hard ages.

I have three. They're teens/tweens now and honestly it is so so so much easier having 3 than 1 these days. I have lots of friends with one who spend a lot of time taking other people's children out/away etc. My lot bicker, but they also spend hours mooching together and have in jokes that I don't understand. I can more happily leave them home alone together than I would one alone. The eldest can explain the strange new ways of doing maths etc to the younger ones..

But it was brutal when they were small. I do think divide and conquer is sometimes a mistake though. They have to learn to play together, that happens more easily if they are together lots. Once the smaller one is 3ish you can let them figure out their own arguments (within reason) I left mine alone together as much as possible, and never ever interfered if they were playing. Often it felt like there was a sort of pain barrier to get through where they'd bicker, then they'd settle and get on with it.

catstudies · 14/04/2025 20:27

Flutterbyby · 14/04/2025 20:23

Plenty of them do their full share, don't act like they're all poor.

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Me and my friends have different experience but I’ll take your word for it.

Waterlilysunset · 14/04/2025 20:27

OP this is a similar read and has lots of advice. Might be worth a read

www.mumsnet.com/talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/5234670-to-be-dreading-the-holiday

Original poster
itwouldbefineif · 14/04/2025 20:28

@Waterlilysunset the only thing I’m explaining to you is what my life is like. I’m not trying to be argumentative but you did say ‘I don’t get it.’

I suppose the thing is that you can do some things but they aren’t necessarily enjoyable for some time. The four year old would be fine on holiday and so on, the toddler wouldn’t be just yet. So we do have a couple of years to go. That’s how it is for us; it evidently isn’t the same for you and that’s fine as well. But when you say ‘get a babysitter / get family’ it is assuming that we have them, it’s financially viable and so on. And at the moment it is not.

OP posts:
Flutterbyby · 14/04/2025 20:29

catstudies · 14/04/2025 20:27

Me and my friends have different experience but I’ll take your word for it.

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You and your friends are not a good sample size. If your man is doing his part, don't kid yourself none do to make it seem better

Scrabblingaround · 14/04/2025 20:30

It will also get so much better from here on in the year - the weather means you can be outside lots more. Spending as much time as possible outside was always my answer. We're just coming out of the inside months which are the worst with small ones.

It will get better!

Sofiewoo · 14/04/2025 20:31

Is this your second thread about this in as many days?
The usernames of the two OP’s follow a very similar pattern.

DepressingMumLife234 · 14/04/2025 20:32

4 and 2 is challenging. You will get through it and it will be worth it.

So many people told me I would miss the newborn stage. Soak up those cuddles, enjoy the contact naps etc. I can honestly say, hand on heart, I do not miss a single second of my baby's first 4 months. Not at all. Every second in those first 4 months was filled with misery. Yeah, he was cute. But good god he was such hard work. I barely survived it.

I'm the kind of person who does really badly trying to pretend everything is great. Lying to myself doesn't work 😂 I do much better when I accept it's shit. It's horrible. So I just plod along to get to the better times. Call me negative but I'm happier that way.

catstudies · 14/04/2025 20:34

Flutterbyby · 14/04/2025 20:29

You and your friends are not a good sample size. If your man is doing his part, don't kid yourself none do to make it seem better

Show quote history

Not sure I understand what you’re saying.
As far as the ‘sample size’…?! I have my experience and you have yours. You’re saying yours is more valid and accurate than mine?

Waterlilysunset · 14/04/2025 20:34

itwouldbefineif · 14/04/2025 20:28

@Waterlilysunset the only thing I’m explaining to you is what my life is like. I’m not trying to be argumentative but you did say ‘I don’t get it.’

I suppose the thing is that you can do some things but they aren’t necessarily enjoyable for some time. The four year old would be fine on holiday and so on, the toddler wouldn’t be just yet. So we do have a couple of years to go. That’s how it is for us; it evidently isn’t the same for you and that’s fine as well. But when you say ‘get a babysitter / get family’ it is assuming that we have them, it’s financially viable and so on. And at the moment it is not.

Okay so you can’t afford a babysitter. One of my suggestions was get DH to stay home with the kids and you go out to dinner with a friend.

When I said I don’t get it, I don’t get why you’ve written off lots of completely possible things. I’ve even had a friend babysit for free and then I babysat her kids in return.

Toddlers can go on holidays…we took dc1 as a toddler and have taken dc2 as a toddler. Yes they act like toddlers and you have to look after them but a holiday is not impossible as you state it is. Plenty of families go on holiday? Your doom and gloom attitude is what’s making things seem 10 times worse.

If you can hear your kids during your lie in then DH takes them to the park during your lie in. But I feel like you would say that’s not possible for X reason…

MyOtherProfile · 14/04/2025 20:34

itwouldbefineif · 14/04/2025 18:22

He has been doing so @OoooopsUpsideYourHead although I had to read him the riot act not so long ago. But he isn’t here much during the week due to work. Weekends we tend to have a child each but I suppose that means there’s no break, whereas once DH having a child meant a break for me and vice versa.

My future just feels full of squabbles and arguments and tale telling tbh.

Don't have a child each. Have a few hours with both each and give each other a break. One can take both to the park. That's what we did. One had Saturday morning off and one of us had Sunday morning off.

CoffeeTable22 · 14/04/2025 20:34

Tallyrand · 14/04/2025 20:16

I have a 4YO DS and 18MO DD and can relate to you OP.

My DS is going through some development leaps and can either be the sweetest boy imaginable or evil incarnate.

They've already had some lovely moments at Bath time and play and the like so I can already feel like it was worth it having two.

Some of my friends are one and done, whilst it is lovely they can pop to London to take their 6YO to see Matilda I'm often wondering if their kid is lonely at home, which realistically is where they will spend most of their time.

Some of my wife's friends are only children and it's patently obvious they have never heard no and don't understand the concept of sharing or considering others feelings.

Having siblings toughened me up too. It's the greatest gift you can give them - each other.

Edited

Oh dear.

You wonder if the only children are lonely at home. I felt lonely as the little sister of two brothers, one of which hid in his room most of the time, the other was vile to me. It doesn't automatically mean they're lonely. My only child is quite happy playing by herself.

I say no plenty of times to my only child TYVM. What a ridiculous stereotype.

Why on earth do you assume siblings 'toughen you up'?

I know you're trying to make OP feel better, but get your facts right.

Finally, the greatest gift you can give a child is a loving family and nurturing environment, not a sibling.

Crikey.

Fioratourer · 14/04/2025 20:36

I Think it goes full circle one child friends have more entertaining to do, where as having more they always have someone to do things with. Today I swam while they played together in the water. Obviously old enough I don’t have to helicopter parent!

IBelieveinSomething · 14/04/2025 20:37

Mine were same gap as yours. It gets much much much worse!! Then in 30 years its a wee bit easier.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 14/04/2025 20:37

Tbh OP it’s not having 2 it’s having a toddler- so hard. I did not love having toddlers, way more a newborn kind of mother.

SnowFrogJelly · 14/04/2025 20:37

itwouldbefineif · 14/04/2025 18:22

He has been doing so @OoooopsUpsideYourHead although I had to read him the riot act not so long ago. But he isn’t here much during the week due to work. Weekends we tend to have a child each but I suppose that means there’s no break, whereas once DH having a child meant a break for me and vice versa.

My future just feels full of squabbles and arguments and tale telling tbh.

Try and see the advantages of having 2 .. and he main one being they have a ready made playmate

SouthLondonMum22 · 14/04/2025 20:39

Have him take both children at some point during the weekend so you can get a break.

Enthusiasticcarrotgrower · 14/04/2025 20:39

I hear you, OP. We’re also in the trenches. I saw a friend the other day who now has a 3 and 6 year old and she seemed so happy and radiant compared to when she had an 18 months and 4 year old. Her two are playing together now and it definitely does get better. I remember her being an absolute wreck not that long ago.

I do sometimes feel guilty for having two because I just feel spread so thinly and not as good a parent to either of them compared to when we just had one. But then I see their little relationship developing and how they make each other laugh and I think that must count for something.

mugglewump · 14/04/2025 20:44

They are both so little and very needy at that age. I have two with a 2 year age gap and the early years were difficult. Then, one day on holiday when they were 7 and 9, they got up and asked to go to the pool together before breakfast. And suddenly, having two children made sense. As yours get older, they will be company for each other and need less from you. Even now my two are adults, they are so close and such great great company for each other in the holidays (at uni at other times). I also think how much my sisters and I depended on each other after our parents (very early) deaths. If you cannot be glad at the moment you will be later on and they will certainly appreciate having a sibling.

Scrabblingaround · 14/04/2025 20:44

Enthusiasticcarrotgrower · 14/04/2025 20:39

I hear you, OP. We’re also in the trenches. I saw a friend the other day who now has a 3 and 6 year old and she seemed so happy and radiant compared to when she had an 18 months and 4 year old. Her two are playing together now and it definitely does get better. I remember her being an absolute wreck not that long ago.

I do sometimes feel guilty for having two because I just feel spread so thinly and not as good a parent to either of them compared to when we just had one. But then I see their little relationship developing and how they make each other laugh and I think that must count for something.

It really dies count for a lot. It's something that's worth actively working on a prioritising - developing their relationship, encouraging it at every opportunity. It doesn't always just happen, but if you can start working on it when they're small it really is the most comforting thing to know they have each other.

frozendaisy · 14/04/2025 20:46

Oh OP it gets better as many have said it really does.

When ours were 4 (and a bit) and 2, they did used to squabble but they did love each other, once the 2 year old can join in the crime (of attempting to find hidden biscuits) or kick a ball or get teddy to go to the picnic their relationship will (should) will blossom and watching that is wonderful.

We have two huge teens now and they are close, they have loved the time on holidays together because they have each other, and they remember times and events and giggle away. They grew up practising jokes, memes, silly dances, homework, reading, computer games together.

Board games became much more fun because the pampered eldest learnt to lose gallantly which they totally needed to, and they do learn how to resolve conflict together.

And when they have fun gossip from school they are the first people each other tell.

Providing there is no unexpected disaster, it's a comfort to know they will have each other when we are gone, or too old to be of any great use to them.

We nurtured their relationship above housework, chores, a lot of things really. We decided we would try and cement their bond. And they are different in so many ways (which is great because there is no direct competition if you understand) but have similar outlooks, humour, conversational style.

And they can show vulnerability with each other that I presume their teenage embarrassment might prevent them doing so elsewhere.

It's a long game OP.

"BusyTown" board game used to be a hit here when they were young young.

Potato printing.
Sticker-drawings, so stick some stuff down and draw lines to represent roads, trees around the creations.

And singing, with tambourines (not the most pleasant on the ears) but they it worked.

Failing all this if they were really really cranky chucking them in the bath/paddling pool/even just a toy bubble machine (everyone loves a bubble) but getting them in water seemed to change their mood, so on really cracky days they would have a bath before dinnertime.

It is all worth it. Honestly.

GreenYodaFace · 14/04/2025 20:50

CoffeeTable22 · 14/04/2025 20:34

Oh dear.

You wonder if the only children are lonely at home. I felt lonely as the little sister of two brothers, one of which hid in his room most of the time, the other was vile to me. It doesn't automatically mean they're lonely. My only child is quite happy playing by herself.

I say no plenty of times to my only child TYVM. What a ridiculous stereotype.

Why on earth do you assume siblings 'toughen you up'?

I know you're trying to make OP feel better, but get your facts right.

Finally, the greatest gift you can give a child is a loving family and nurturing environment, not a sibling.

Crikey.

Show quote history

Don't worry some people love to turn these threads into an only child bashing. So odd.

whatkatydid2014 · 14/04/2025 20:53

Those ages are tricky. On the whole mine are friends more often than not but to be honest they always have been. When they don’t get on though, the bickering can be infuriating. I still recall the fun day mine decided to have a fight over who got the biggest bit of imaginary cake. It’s actually fairly funny looking back but at the time it was a bit of a FML moment and I just wanted to scream. As they get bigger I think it is easier to deal with bickering as you can leave them to figure things out between themselves more. In the meantime you need some friends or at least acquaintances in a similar boat you can have a bit of an offload too who will sympathise with how annoying it is x