Confession from DP has made me feel really uncomfortable

[worriedmum8686]

Been with DP 8 years both early 40s three kids.

He admitted to me recently that when he was 17 he lost his virginity to a prostitute. He had always told me he lost his virginity in uni- he was a very awkward looking teenager and a late starter didn't have his first kiss until he was 18.

his brother was a squaddie and based in London so he would go visit him and on one of the trips he got a prostitue the brother got one too. I really can't get past this. I think the brother is worse as he was 28 at the time there is a big age gap. On one hand I'm trying to remember he was an immature 17 year old on the other I'm going over every lads trip he's been on and wondering if this is a thing he does. Would this be a deal breaker for you or am I over reacting

It's gross, tbh.

Oh that is tough!

It sounds like he regrets it. Plus older brother peer pressure

I would probably be more inclined to judge it on how he views it now

But I understand why you feel like you do!

We had talked about things like this before and he would always says I'd never pay for sex that's desperate.

he obviously was lying to save face oh I don't know I feel really grossed out by it and I'm questioning everything now.

It’s not nice but he was very young and influenced into it. I doubt it’s the way he’d like to have lost his virginity.

He was only 17. I’d let it go to be honest.

I dislike prostitution intensely but I’d say you were overreacting. It sounds like something he very much regrets.

17 is very young. He’s probably covered this up because you knew you’d be disgusted. We’ve all done things we are ashamed of. We’ve all told lies at times. Let it go.

I can get past the being 17 what is getting me is if he has used them since. When we first got together he went to Vegas and there was always something niggling at me about call girls over there. I guess I'll never know anyway but hearing that has made me think my intuition was right

Maybe he feels deep shame and needed to let it out to get it off his chest and the comment about paying for sex being desperate is because he indeed felt desperate at that time as hormonal teen.

He doesn't need to pay for sex now though.

I'd find it gross, but he was very young and it sounds like it isn't something he is proud of. I'd let it go. While I haven't slept with a prostitute, I did some stupid stuff in my teens that I regret and that I'd never do now.

That’s quite a specific niggle. Why did you think this? How did it come out about his virginity? Was he embarrassed/ remorseful?

People make mistakes! Especially 17 year olds.
I don’t think it’s particularly shocking or a big deal.
It is an unfortunate thing that happened a long time ago and doesn’t bare any relevance to who he is as a person today.
I hope no one judges me too harshly on the bad choices I made at 17. Life happens.

Yeah go through his bank transactions for that time frame /try to find proof search for texts and WhatsApp’s over that time

To be honest I would forgive him. The older brother peer pressure, the fact he regrets it, that he was 17. My DP went to a strip club when he was 17 on a lads holiday, he’s never been to one since and says he still feels a bit seedy about it. I think the peer pressure when you’re young can make you act extremely out of character.

I don't know it just was always something that I had in the back of my head. His friend group are very laddy embarrassingly so. They just seem the type that will do things because it's the done thing 'there'. I'm not keen on his friends anyway actually no I just don't like them and I do know two or three of them has used prostitutes before when they were older than teens. And now I'm worried it's just something he does too but has played a blinder on me. Or maybe my mind is running away with me

Verging on grooming at 17, isn't it?

What if it was a 17 year old girl influenced by a much older sibling to do the same thing?

Of course if you have suspicions or evidence about anything much after that, it's a different story. But from that alone, I'd say it was done to him and not his fault.

I’d be inclined to agree with this. I’d find it very distasteful; it sounds like he feels a degree of shame about it. I think you both need to sit with it for a bit, now that it’s out there.

It was 8 years ago different bank now and all what's app long gone

This is quite common in a lot of men. The things they claim to be disgusted by or slander other people for doing is actually a confession of something they’ve done / are doing.

Let it go , Jesus , such a long time ago, & also if it was something he did on a regular basis on lads weekend’s away , he certainly wouldn’t be confessing to you that’s how he lost his virginity..
There would be nothing mentioned to you ever about prostitutes ..

It wouldn't bother me too much, it happened long before you were together and he doesn't do that kind of thing now.

He was 17, I don’t think he can be judged by adult standards. I would let this one go.

It’s really not nice but I think you need to see it for what it was then. He was 17, so young naive and probs my pressured into it. I don’t think you should judge him for his actions at such a young age and trust his perspective on it now. I think the fact he’s kept it from you shows you it’s something he regrets

The 17 year old using a prostitute although gross, I could forgive. He was a kid, obviously peer pressured and now has remorse. It's not something he sought out himself.

However if you had spider senses tingling about a Vegas trip before this revelation that's a completely different kettle of fish, especially since he's a fully cooked adult now. I wouldn't like the fact he went with "blokey" friends who had used prostitutes either.

How is your relationship otherwise? Are the 3 DC's his? If the answers are "shit" and "no" I'd say the relationship has run it's course, however if you do share children and the relationship is salvageable I'd want to get some relationship therapy. Xx