Confession from DP has made me feel really uncomfortable

[worriedmum8686]

Been with DP 8 years both early 40s three kids.

He admitted to me recently that when he was 17 he lost his virginity to a prostitute. He had always told me he lost his virginity in uni- he was a very awkward looking teenager and a late starter didn't have his first kiss until he was 18.

his brother was a squaddie and based in London so he would go visit him and on one of the trips he got a prostitue the brother got one too. I really can't get past this. I think the brother is worse as he was 28 at the time there is a big age gap. On one hand I'm trying to remember he was an immature 17 year old on the other I'm going over every lads trip he's been on and wondering if this is a thing he does. Would this be a deal breaker for you or am I over reacting

Sounds like he was a teenage boy who was lead down a bad track by his brother. He was still legally a child. I’d feel more sorry for him than angry.

He was young and we all make mistakes at that age.

what matters is how he is now

I think the use of a prostitute here is a moot point. Are you generally unhappy in the relationship and are looking for reasons to support your general discontent and wanting out?

Grim but I’d move past it. He was likely lacking in confidence and probably influenced by his brother and peer pressure. Sad for him to be honest!!!

it's gross but he was 17. sounds like he's ashamed because he never admitted it.

but then it's not my husband and my feelings would probably differ if it was.

@worriedmum8686 What do you think about his views on prostitutes now?

We had talked about things like this before and he would always says I'd never pay for sex that's desperate

The prostitute at 17 wouldn't bother me. The loud, laddish, inappropriate friends would though. Who a person's friends are, shows you who the person is.

It sounds as though the ick was setting in before the prostitute issue came up and that the prostitute is a convenient hook to hang your hat on.

It sounds as though you got in too deep too soon and settled because you wanted children.

Hopefully you can between you afford separate households and nobody will suffer from the split.

My gut feeling is that when someone confesses to
something that they did many years ago when there is absolutely no need to reveal what they did it's to test the water at how their partner reacts as there is whole lot of other stuff about to come out.

I’d be grossed out too. Even his reason for not paying for sex is a terrible one!
🤮

Most posters are assuming he is being truthful about it being a one off. We don’t know that’s the case.

You don’t trust him: you suspect that he used prostitutes other times. You know some of his friends do and don’t like how he behaves around these friends.

This had to be the most naive comment I have ever read on MN.

When I was young I remember lots of people wanted to lose their virginity, like it somehow made you more mature, so whether he did it with a prostitute or a willing girl he picked up one night doesn’t really matter IMO. And men in the forces using prostitutes isn’t new either, as they didn’t always have time to form relationships. It’s in the past, you can either live with the knowledge, or not.

I am a woman and I wanted to 'lose' my virginity from the age of thirteen because I was afraid I wouldn't be able to 'do it'. That was because of something I read in a magazine, it played on my mind. Nothing to do with prostitutes but just thought I'd say.

No it’s not ! !
Are you happy with your husband ?, all this prostitute thing aside ?
He was 17 !!!!!

This, definitely

Don’t think any of us at 40 are same people as we were at 17 Hopefully matured and improved. Sounds like he was very much led astray by older brother and is ashamed now hence the confession. Obviously totally different if he was still doing it but shame to throw away an otherwise good relationship if not. Unless there are other problems why not judge him on how he is now. His friends may be laddish but doesn’t mean they would pay for sex.

Don’t. If a man did this to a woman, there would be uproar. Doesn’t make it right because genders are reversed

I understand how you feel OP.
You have limited choices really. There's no point in asking him because he won't tell you and he will make sure his skeevy mates don't either, You could ask one of the less obnoxious mates I guess but it will get back to him or you could start snooping on his phone, look for another phone (it will be in his car or bag) and monitor his spending to the last penny to see if there's a pattern.

You can also leave him. You can leave for any reason if you are just not feeling it any more. Having sleazy mates that are tight as a tick is a good indicator that there are some massive secrets at the heart of it all. It depends whether you are the 'I absolutely have to see it in black and white' person or whether you've had your stomach turned enough by him for this and all the other stuff to just walk.

I wish I had trusted my gut on many occasions I pushed it all back down though.

Edited to add....if you do leave him. Don't give him an ounce of face. Leave because 'you're just not feeling it anymore'. This would be far more damaging to his rep than if his mates heard you had left because of the sex worker revelations.

I think what happened at 17 is that he was sexually abused by his older brother. It's a complex abuse because it involved him in abusing someone else also. He was basically a child and what happened was not okay.

OP, I can't say if he has now, as an adult, paid for sex or whether his friendship group should be a deal breaker. I think you should separate the two things. Try to have compassion for the 17 year old version of him, and be as clear-eyed as you can about him now.

He sounds like an awkward teenager who needed help getting launched. It’s not great, but I’m pretty sure many posters here lost their virginity in less than ideal circumstances. I’m equally sure that a lot of DHs get up to worse on stag nights, both their own and others. And living somewhere where “golfing holidays” are a thing, I wouldn’t be too confident about husbands who go on those either.

I don’t think of itself it’s a bad sign. Only you know whether he’s the type to repeat the experience.

Honestly, if he only did it when he was 17 then I wouldn't be bothered. In a weird kind of way its possible the brother was trying to help him overcome his shyness. It's not ideal but it was a different time back then which a lot of people forget.

When I was at uni we inadvertently moved into a cruising district in a student house share and got to know a few of the sex workers. We used to regularly take one lady out a cup of tea when it was raining! A lot of students used sex workers back then, more than you would think.

I wouldn't judge the 17 year old him anymore than I would judge the sex worker.

Question I think you're really asking is what is he up to now. That's a different issue and one you really need to think about.

I’d let it go. He was young, and he probably just wanted to get it out of the way.

This is just rubbish and actually an insult to real victims of SA.

His brother did not sexually abuse him so please don't throw such hysterical statements around.

I think the absolute key to this is being 17.

I stole something at 17 because I was with a group of dickheads who thought it was funny to shoplift. That's not who I am. That was peer pressure to a 17yr old. At 17 we also used to have parties in our friends field, who's dad was a farmer, and get pissed on cider and wake up in the hedgerow.

Both things are inconceivable now.

Also fwiw, my first serious boyfriend was when I was early 20s and he was 32. He was an ex squaddie (royal engineers) and he had used a prostitute when he joined up at 17. They all did. The older troops took all the younger ones out when they passed their training and even paid for it. Like a rite of passage. He told me like it was the most normal thing in the world, because that's how it had been presented to him, normal, every man does it. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. He equally was baffled by my reaction. He was a really lovely guy as well, which made it even stranger that he thought this was normal for most men in their younger years. Perhaps it is quite normal for squaddies, they just don't usually tell other people?

I know this will now prompt a flurry of women married to squaddies "how dare you, my husband would never..." But that's exactly how adamant I would have been about my ex. Impossible to even consider. Until he came out with it.

I told my husband early on using prostitutes was a deal breaker. I've also dropped male friends for using prostitutes. The posters calling her husband a victim or abused are massively deluded IMO - there's only one person those labels apply to in this situation and it's not the "naive" 17yo.