Page 6 | Confession from DP has made me feel really uncomfortable

Fannybycandlelight · 14/04/2025 09:47

GeorgianaM · 14/04/2025 07:19

My gut feeling is that when someone confesses to
something that they did many years ago when there is absolutely no need to reveal what they did it's to test the water at how their partner reacts as there is whole lot of other stuff about to come out.

@GeorgianaM This ^ x100.

Imbusytodaysorry · 14/04/2025 09:53

Seachanger · 14/04/2025 03:05

I think everything you have said about your partner OP is very worrying.

If his older brother thought it was normal to use prostitutes it sounds as though your partner was conditioned from an early age to see this as normal for men.

I would suggest that by telling you the young age he lost his virginity with the prostitute he will have calculated that you would see this as not a deal breaker, that you would be able to get past it.

I think the fact using prostitutes is normal.in his own family and in the group of men he choses to mix with then he has absolutely no problem with prostitution as a concept.

And I think it's highly unlikely that his experience at 17 is the only time he has used one himself.

Added to that I think the way you say he behaves with his friends, that he goes, or has gone, to known " stag " destinations like Vegas, with them, I would definitely be rethinking my relationship with him. I honestly would struggle to be able to trust or even like a man who embraced the type of lifestyle he obviously does.

Edited

I’m thinking the Same based on ops updates and her gut feeling.

sideeyes · 14/04/2025 10:05

I’m sorry OP but go with your intuition on this, especially has he clammed up after telling you. If he’d had an open confessional with you it might be different. His friends, his lack of being open, your intuition. He’s not who you want him to be.

Mylovemine · 14/04/2025 10:52

Cosyblankets · 14/04/2025 09:23

How would you feel having your privacy violated like that? Would you be OK if your other half said hand me your phone so i can trawl through your transactions. Let me see all your WhatsApp messages
You'd be OK with that?
OP he was 17
He didn't need to tell you
He did tell you
Let it go
Or let him go.

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Yes Id be ok with it if I had nothing to hide

ItGhoul · 14/04/2025 11:22

Poppyseeds79 · 14/04/2025 01:11

Oh come on? He has 17! I doubt he recognised anything other than he was having sex! Don't make him out to be a pervert due to a crap teenage decision.

And why would he have normalised it? He's obviously mortified and just bringing it up now...

My DD partner had sex with a sex worker during their split when he was 19 & she was 17. He ended up appearing in a porno, whilst wearing a balaclava, and sat on a chair in the room... The reasons he did this? Because he's a bit bloody thick! And his "mate" told him he could get "free sex".

He's dumb bless him. Like really fucking dumb! But at no point was the sex worker in her 40s taken advantage of. If anything he's a dipshit for going along with it as a quite daft teenager.

Shit happens! I'd not berate someone for having some dodgy sex as a teen, and not worrying if the person involved was fully consenting and paying their taxes. Or if they were trafficked (it's generally easier to tell btw).

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That escalated quickly.

Cosyblankets · 14/04/2025 11:26

Mylovemine · 14/04/2025 10:52

Yes Id be ok with it if I had nothing to hide

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I wouldn't be OK for my other half to effectively be saying they didn't trust me. It's not about having nothing to hide

Cosyblankets · 14/04/2025 11:27

Fannybycandlelight · 14/04/2025 09:47

@GeorgianaM This ^ x100.

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That's a good point

whippy1981 · 14/04/2025 11:31

Missj25 · 14/04/2025 08:41

Exactly

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At what age did you understand consent?

StillTryingtoBuy · 14/04/2025 11:31

worriedmum8686 · 13/04/2025 23:41

We were just having a chat the other night about kids these days etc and if they were overly sexualised too young. Then the subject of virginity came up and he said it I was shocked and said but you told me it happened at uni and he said well that's when I look at it actually happening I try to forget about that time. Then he clammed up again

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I think his reply to you shows that he feels vulnerable and exploited and uncomfortable as you’d imagine anyone would being put in that position at 17, by their older brother. I would talk to him again with a frame of mind that he has disclosed a really difficult aspect of his life with you, one that he probably hasn’t really processed himself.

StillTryingtoBuy · 14/04/2025 11:34

Posters saying he’s been conditioned to think this behaviour as normal etc since childhood, if so why can’t see this as damaging abusive behaviour towards him rather than evidence he’s some kind of creep himself?

Droplet789 · 14/04/2025 11:38

it doesn’t mean he is lying, the experience could have changed his opinion. He also was a child, he hadn’t got an adult / mature brain. I’d let this go and base your opinion on the current version of him. Everyone changes and grows from a child to a adult

ALJT · 14/04/2025 11:40

I think he’s opened up to you about something he clearly regrets or he wouldn’t have hidden it.

ClareBlue · 14/04/2025 11:47

Poppyseeds79 · 14/04/2025 01:11

Oh come on? He has 17! I doubt he recognised anything other than he was having sex! Don't make him out to be a pervert due to a crap teenage decision.

And why would he have normalised it? He's obviously mortified and just bringing it up now...

My DD partner had sex with a sex worker during their split when he was 19 & she was 17. He ended up appearing in a porno, whilst wearing a balaclava, and sat on a chair in the room... The reasons he did this? Because he's a bit bloody thick! And his "mate" told him he could get "free sex".

He's dumb bless him. Like really fucking dumb! But at no point was the sex worker in her 40s taken advantage of. If anything he's a dipshit for going along with it as a quite daft teenager.

Shit happens! I'd not berate someone for having some dodgy sex as a teen, and not worrying if the person involved was fully consenting and paying their taxes. Or if they were trafficked (it's generally easier to tell btw).

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Did you read the bit about him regulary visiting his brother and having no sexual partner until he was 25. So young male experiences sex with a sex worker. Then visits the person who encourages this regularly as a young man but he stayed away from ever doing it again or sex until he is 25. Then at 40 it needs to be confessed to a partner who really doesn't need to know a one off at 17 years old.
Maybe it's you who should 'come on'

SpiritAdder · 14/04/2025 11:52

worriedmum8686 · 13/04/2025 23:00

We had talked about things like this before and he would always says I'd never pay for sex that's desperate.

he obviously was lying to save face oh I don't know I feel really grossed out by it and I'm questioning everything now.

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A 17yr old isn’t going to have the money or the guts to spend that kind of money on a prostitute. I think it is more likely his 28yr old army brother paid the money and pressured him.

SpiritAdder · 14/04/2025 11:55

starymoonsky · 13/04/2025 23:20

This is quite common in a lot of men. The things they claim to be disgusted by or slander other people for doing is actually a confession of something they’ve done / are doing.

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Or genuinely think it is disgusting from a was pressured into it once and would never again do it perspective.

Hastentoadd · 14/04/2025 11:58

worriedmum8686 · 13/04/2025 22:53

Been with DP 8 years both early 40s three kids.

He admitted to me recently that when he was 17 he lost his virginity to a prostitute. He had always told me he lost his virginity in uni- he was a very awkward looking teenager and a late starter didn't have his first kiss until he was 18.

his brother was a squaddie and based in London so he would go visit him and on one of the trips he got a prostitue the brother got one too. I really can't get past this. I think the brother is worse as he was 28 at the time there is a big age gap. On one hand I'm trying to remember he was an immature 17 year old on the other I'm going over every lads trip he's been on and wondering if this is a thing he does. Would this be a deal breaker for you or am I over reacting

It was a long time ago and he was young, young people do stupid things sometimes and anyway it was his brother who organised it so maybe he was being egged on and didn’t feel he could say no

I think it’s quite sad his first experience was with a prostitute

Lennon80 · 14/04/2025 12:01

I guess it is all down to how you feel about it. Personally for me paid sex is rape as money doesn’t buy consent. My teenage son has had this hammered home to him that the normalisation of sexual slavery in the guise of prostitution is using a human being as a means to an end. If he’s got lad type mates it wouldn’t shock me if he’s done it again. I’m sorry this has come to light - I’d be fucking devastated and probably couldn’t get past it but that’s me.

Missj25 · 14/04/2025 12:04

StillTryingtoBuy · 14/04/2025 11:34

Posters saying he’s been conditioned to think this behaviour as normal etc since childhood, if so why can’t see this as damaging abusive behaviour towards him rather than evidence he’s some kind of creep himself?

JESUS CHRIST !
Men who have sex with prostitutes are not all creeps ..
Some men just want to live out fantasy’s & believe it or believe it not , not all prostitutes are forced into it ! !
It’s not one size fits all ..
Married men shouldn’t have sex with prostitutes because it’s cheating , it’s irrelevant what she does for a living , she’s not his wife ..

Tbrh · 14/04/2025 12:07

Berlinlover · 13/04/2025 23:01

He was only 17. I’d let it go to be honest.

This

FluffyJawsOfDoom · 14/04/2025 12:10

worriedmum8686 · 13/04/2025 23:04

I can get past the being 17 what is getting me is if he has used them since. When we first got together he went to Vegas and there was always something niggling at me about call girls over there. I guess I'll never know anyway but hearing that has made me think my intuition was right

For me it wouldn't be the sex per say, but the indication that he then viewed women as objects. Does he still view women as commodities, or has he grown up since his teens? That would be the key detail, for me.

SpiritAdder · 14/04/2025 12:11

whippy1981 · 14/04/2025 11:31

At what age did you understand consent?

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That’s pretty loaded as the parameters of consent have shifted dramatically during my lifetime, both legally and socially. So understanding of consent is an evolving thing.

As a teen, date rape wasn’t considered rape if you had had sex with your bf at least once before or gossip said you had.

As a newlywed, getting married was a blanket consent to sex as marital rape wasn’t considered rape.

During the AIDs crisis, it was not rape if you asked your rapist to put on a condom so you don’t get HIV as that is then consent.

That there was no such thing as being too high or drunk to consent. Advice was make sure he beats the shit out of you so you can at least succeed on a common assault charge.

It used to be too that if you’d consented to sex, you couldn’t withdraw consent for that particular sex episode.

whippy1981 · 14/04/2025 12:13

Lennon80 · 14/04/2025 12:01

I guess it is all down to how you feel about it. Personally for me paid sex is rape as money doesn’t buy consent. My teenage son has had this hammered home to him that the normalisation of sexual slavery in the guise of prostitution is using a human being as a means to an end. If he’s got lad type mates it wouldn’t shock me if he’s done it again. I’m sorry this has come to light - I’d be fucking devastated and probably couldn’t get past it but that’s me.

This!

Eschra · 14/04/2025 12:15

starymoonsky · 13/04/2025 23:20

This is quite common in a lot of men. The things they claim to be disgusted by or slander other people for doing is actually a confession of something they’ve done / are doing.

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and the other 99.9% of men that say it do think it's seedy! dumb generalisation.

whippy1981 · 14/04/2025 12:16

SpiritAdder · 14/04/2025 12:11

That’s pretty loaded as the parameters of consent have shifted dramatically during my lifetime, both legally and socially. So understanding of consent is an evolving thing.

As a teen, date rape wasn’t considered rape if you had had sex with your bf at least once before or gossip said you had.

As a newlywed, getting married was a blanket consent to sex as marital rape wasn’t considered rape.

During the AIDs crisis, it was not rape if you asked your rapist to put on a condom so you don’t get HIV as that is then consent.

That there was no such thing as being too high or drunk to consent. Advice was make sure he beats the shit out of you so you can at least succeed on a common assault charge.

It used to be too that if you’d consented to sex, you couldn’t withdraw consent for that particular sex episode.

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When was paying for consent the law and when did that change?

Also if it is legal to buy consent how does rape even exist as all a rapist would have to do is chuck 10p at someone after raping them and bingo they just bought consent.

Missj25 · 14/04/2025 12:18

whippy1981 · 14/04/2025 11:31

At what age did you understand consent?

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I’m saying at 17 , OPS husband was not thinking about trafficking, or why the girl he was with was doing this for a living , or huge opinion on this thread that ‘if you buy sex , it’s not consensual ‘ I’m pretty sure at 17 , none of the above came into his head ..
Not all prostitutes are forced into it ..
And I know you didn’t say this , but another pp with its rape ..
NO IT’S NOT …
It’s rape , yes , if client is with a girl he knows is being forced into it , otherwise no it’s not ..