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Original poster

Confession from DP has made me feel really uncomfortable

201 replies

worriedmum8686 · 13/04/2025 22:53

Been with DP 8 years both early 40s three kids.

He admitted to me recently that when he was 17 he lost his virginity to a prostitute. He had always told me he lost his virginity in uni- he was a very awkward looking teenager and a late starter didn't have his first kiss until he was 18.

his brother was a squaddie and based in London so he would go visit him and on one of the trips he got a prostitue the brother got one too. I really can't get past this. I think the brother is worse as he was 28 at the time there is a big age gap. On one hand I'm trying to remember he was an immature 17 year old on the other I'm going over every lads trip he's been on and wondering if this is a thing he does. Would this be a deal breaker for you or am I over reacting

OP posts:
theunbreakablecleopatrajones · 13/04/2025 23:26

Mylovemine · 13/04/2025 23:10

Yeah go through his bank transactions for that time frame /try to find proof search for texts and WhatsApp’s over that time

Show quote history

Please don’t do this. Once you start down this road there is no going back, and there is no actual evidence to justify further investigation

CrazyCatMam · 13/04/2025 23:27

He told you because he wanted to be honest and was embarrassed by it.

He was 17 - he was taken advantage of by his brother.

Awful circumstances for a young lad to lose his virginity.

If he’d used them since, I really can’t imagine he’d tell you this.

BigHeadBertha · 13/04/2025 23:27

I wouldn't care about it at all.

If he hired a prostitute now, that would be different.

He won't trust you to tell things to if you make a big drama out of everything. He didn't even know you then. You should stop this.

CountryMumof4 · 13/04/2025 23:28

I think the fact that he's admitted this to you means it's preyed on his mind and therefore wants to be honest with you. I completely get that you feel grossed out by it though. Unless you've had suspicions that he's used prostitutes in adulthood - and more specifically since you've been together - I'd chalk this up to being peer pressure from his brother/curiosity of a 17 year old. If your relationship is otherwise happy and stable, I'd try to put it behind you if you can.

Newtrix · 13/04/2025 23:30

MeganM3 · 13/04/2025 23:08

People make mistakes! Especially 17 year olds.
I don’t think it’s particularly shocking or a big deal.
It is an unfortunate thing that happened a long time ago and doesn’t bare any relevance to who he is as a person today.
I hope no one judges me too harshly on the bad choices I made at 17. Life happens.

This sums up exactly how I think about it too.

CrazyCatMam · 13/04/2025 23:30

I’ve been to Vegas (for someone’s wedding). I was SO worried before hand. In my head I could picture half naked show girls and hookers hanging around every hotel. Think I’d watched too many films. It’s just like any other UK city. So in that respect, I think you might be over thinking it.

ItGhoul · 13/04/2025 23:33

He was 17. I’m pretty sure we all did things at 17 we wouldn’t do now.

Nobody can tell you whether he has or hasn’t paid for sex while you’ve been together, but I don’t think an experience at 17 would be especially likely to set the tone for his adult sex life.

I don’t think I’d ever want to date someone whose choice of mates was ‘embarrassingly laddy’, though. If his friends are like that, he will be like that when he’s with them. He is also laddy.

Branleuse · 13/04/2025 23:37

Tbh i think thats abusive of his brother.

Original poster
worriedmum8686 · 13/04/2025 23:38

ItGhoul · 13/04/2025 23:33

He was 17. I’m pretty sure we all did things at 17 we wouldn’t do now.

Nobody can tell you whether he has or hasn’t paid for sex while you’ve been together, but I don’t think an experience at 17 would be especially likely to set the tone for his adult sex life.

I don’t think I’d ever want to date someone whose choice of mates was ‘embarrassingly laddy’, though. If his friends are like that, he will be like that when he’s with them. He is also laddy.

Yes I agree tbh we got together and got pregnant with our first very quickly so I hadn't met many of his friends just two of them the nice ones. When I met the rest I was heavily pregnant a few lived away, and DP works a job with unsociable hours. But when I met them I really wasn't impressed and I do think I would have rethought the relationship as when he was with them I was like who are you? I don't know why my mind has drifted to prostitutes with him but it's always been in the back of my mind so when he admitted that I have just questioned have I been ignoring my gut feeling

OP posts:
StRaf · 13/04/2025 23:38

Maybe he didnt pay for sex - maybe his gross big brother paid and he found himself in a situation.

Why do you think he told you - whats been going on - whats the context?

Original poster
worriedmum8686 · 13/04/2025 23:39

Branleuse · 13/04/2025 23:37

Tbh i think thats abusive of his brother.

Well now I won't be able to look at the brother I also think this too

OP posts:
Original poster
worriedmum8686 · 13/04/2025 23:41

StRaf · 13/04/2025 23:38

Maybe he didnt pay for sex - maybe his gross big brother paid and he found himself in a situation.

Why do you think he told you - whats been going on - whats the context?

We were just having a chat the other night about kids these days etc and if they were overly sexualised too young. Then the subject of virginity came up and he said it I was shocked and said but you told me it happened at uni and he said well that's when I look at it actually happening I try to forget about that time. Then he clammed up again

OP posts:
LBFseBrom · 13/04/2025 23:42

Bonsaibaby · 13/04/2025 23:01

It’s not nice but he was very young and influenced into it. I doubt it’s the way he’d like to have lost his virginity.

I agree.

Let it go. You've been with him for eight years, there is more to him than that one incident.

Middleagedstriker · 13/04/2025 23:43

Oh OP that's awful. I dumped a one in a second date when I was 18 (he was 20) because he had slept with a prostitute in Thailand paid for by his brother.
I couldn't respect some one that would do that. I have an 18 year old and 19 year old they have refused to go to strip clubs with their friends because they think they are wrong.
At 17 you make mistakes no doubt but you have set your moral compass by that age and there is quite a lot of research showing that youe basic morals don't change from about 16 plus.
It shows he thinks women can be used by men for fucking and for mens pleasure. Very few 17 year olds can't understand that the majority of prostitutes haven't been abused in some way to be in that position.
I couldn't get past it.

Namechangean · 13/04/2025 23:43

I did some volunteer work with a charity for women who work in prostitution and honestly the amount of men, who seem like normal family men, who do this truly shocked me. A lot more common then we’d all like to believe

Fannybycandlelight · 13/04/2025 23:50

I would be less concerned about what he did than the fact he lied about it.

I'm a bit like Judge Judy - if I find that if someone has lied to me (on serious matters - not "Does my bum look big in this?") then that would cause credibility issues for me going forward.

I think, as others have mentioned, that relationship counselling might help here.

AngelicKaty · 13/04/2025 23:53

StRaf · 13/04/2025 23:38

Maybe he didnt pay for sex - maybe his gross big brother paid and he found himself in a situation.

Why do you think he told you - whats been going on - whats the context?

Yes, this is exactly what I thought - his 'charming' big brother thought he'd help his baby brother lose his cherry and paid for a prostitute for him. 🙄

Fargo79 · 13/04/2025 23:54

His friend group are very laddy embarrassingly so. They just seem the type that will do things because it's the done thing 'there'. I'm not keen on his friends anyway actually no I just don't like them and I do know two or three of them has used prostitutes before when they were older than teens

This would be way more concerning for me. You can tell a lot about a person from the company they keep. Why are all his friends "laddy" and the type to use prostitutes if he doesn't share those values? If I think about all the really decent men I know, none of them would keep friends like that. Their friends are all very similar to them, at least in terms of basic values and morals. None of them would want to hang around with the kind of men you're describing.

RE the issue of having sex with a prostitute at 17, I agree with PPs that some of us have done some really out of character stuff as teens that we would not want to be judged for as fully grown adults. However, if he's still moving in those kind of circles then I'd question how much he has actually changed his outlook and morals.

Trumptonagain · 13/04/2025 23:55

Every one has a past of one kind or another.
Not that it makes it ok but IMO It sounds like he was goaded on to do it by his brother.

He really didn't need to tell you but as the subject came up he spoke honestly about it to you.
I know it's a case of now you've heard it and all that but just let it rest, don't go snooping for things that may not even exist.

If you really can't get past it have another conversation about his lads holidays, he does seem as though he would tell you the truth.

Original poster
worriedmum8686 · 13/04/2025 23:58

Fargo79 · 13/04/2025 23:54

His friend group are very laddy embarrassingly so. They just seem the type that will do things because it's the done thing 'there'. I'm not keen on his friends anyway actually no I just don't like them and I do know two or three of them has used prostitutes before when they were older than teens

This would be way more concerning for me. You can tell a lot about a person from the company they keep. Why are all his friends "laddy" and the type to use prostitutes if he doesn't share those values? If I think about all the really decent men I know, none of them would keep friends like that. Their friends are all very similar to them, at least in terms of basic values and morals. None of them would want to hang around with the kind of men you're describing.

RE the issue of having sex with a prostitute at 17, I agree with PPs that some of us have done some really out of character stuff as teens that we would not want to be judged for as fully grown adults. However, if he's still moving in those kind of circles then I'd question how much he has actually changed his outlook and morals.

They have all been friends from school and they are all
entertwined brothers and cousins everyone of them is related to at least one or two other people in the group

OP posts:
VapeVamp12 · 14/04/2025 00:04

As it was over 20 years ago and he was so young I would be able to see past it.

I think your worries / insecurities around him using prostitutes in the more recent past would be a worth while conversation having with him. I believe you either trust someone or you don't.

whippy1981 · 14/04/2025 00:04

Deal breaker. If someone knows full well that the person in front of them could be trafficked or being forced by someone or some reason and they continue knowing that person cannot say no then that to me only has one word for it.

No one knows exactly that girl's situation but they do know the range of situations that girl could be in. No one is stupid enough to say they do not know this about such girls.

moose62 · 14/04/2025 00:05

I think you have to let it go. I don't think he will say any more so you will never know.
However, I would make it very clear that what a 17 year old did is one thing but it would be completely unacceptable now and if you were to find out he had done anything else, that would be the end of the relationship for you.

Teajenny7 · 14/04/2025 00:13

OP how did you lose your virginity? How old were you?

steff13 · 14/04/2025 00:17

CrazyCatMam · 13/04/2025 23:27

He told you because he wanted to be honest and was embarrassed by it.

He was 17 - he was taken advantage of by his brother.

Awful circumstances for a young lad to lose his virginity.

If he’d used them since, I really can’t imagine he’d tell you this.

This is exactly my thought. If it's something he "does" vs. something he did one time, he wouldn't have brought it up.