Confession from DP has made me feel really uncomfortable

[worriedmum8686]

Been with DP 8 years both early 40s three kids.

He admitted to me recently that when he was 17 he lost his virginity to a prostitute. He had always told me he lost his virginity in uni- he was a very awkward looking teenager and a late starter didn't have his first kiss until he was 18.

his brother was a squaddie and based in London so he would go visit him and on one of the trips he got a prostitue the brother got one too. I really can't get past this. I think the brother is worse as he was 28 at the time there is a big age gap. On one hand I'm trying to remember he was an immature 17 year old on the other I'm going over every lads trip he's been on and wondering if this is a thing he does. Would this be a deal breaker for you or am I over reacting

Don't upset your kids and throw everything away over this. Grow up frankly.

Why is there something niggling at you? Do you sense that he hasn’t told you the whole story? Has this confession come soon after another Lads holiday?

What made him suddenly decide to tell you?

You more then welcome to leave him OP. Then explain to your kids that I left daddy because of something he did at 17. Like really now? Yes the information is uncomfortable to know. But are you really going to tie yourself up in knots over something he did when he was 17. The person I was at 17 is sooo different to who I am today.

How are your finances tied up op? Would you ever know if he did now?

It’s uncertain whether it was only when he was 17. OP suspects there were orher times, much later. As a PP has pointed out, if that’s the case he is unlikely to tell her the truth.

@worriedmum8686 seems ge is ashamed of it then . No man what to admit in their eyes “the first women they slept with wasn’t natural and had to do it because they were paid no because the women chose too”
If I thought dh would do this now then I’d be off .
He was just a kid then though .

I think you are questioning do you really know your dh.

Maybe Counseling to work through it together?
I think I’d struggle with the trust issue too

Exactly

I'd forget about it and move on. He was an awkward 17 year old with very little understanding of the world.

17 year old with the prospect of no strings sex? If course he jumped at it. I wouldn't be too concerned.

If it had happened when he was 30 that would be different.

Seems like he became ashamed of it as he grew up and convinced himself it happened differently.

But I wonder why he decided to tell you, though. Maybe he felt he didn't want to keep up with a lie, which is, I don't know, maybe a good thing??

What I would be much more concerned about is his friend group.

Do you have real concerns about them and their influence?

Is it possible, if you're worried about them being a bad influence on him and potentially an issue for your relationship and your family, to maybe get him more involved in doing things with the family so he has less and less time with them?

Isolating a partner from their friend group is of course problematic - but is dealing with a toxic influence more valuable for your family?

More family and couple trips, less lads' stuff. Time to get assertive.

Why did you talk about things like this before (if he only recently confessed the situation at 17). Seems like strange conversations to randomly have. I mean, it’s not a conversation I have ever had with a partner. What brought these conversations up if you didn’t know about his experience at 17?

"I'd never pay for sex - that's desperate"

Personally, I wouldn't find that a reassuring point of view for my partner to have.

It doesn't show any thought for the woman in the situation. I'd like a partner who wouldn't have sex with a prostitute because he respects women and doesn't think consent can be bought.

If it was just something that had happened at 17 then I could get past it but from the sound of his friends and his brother it's something that's ongoing for them at least. They are the people he chooses to mix with. They are the people he feels at home with. That tells you an awful lot about him. Because of that I would assume he's been going to prostitutes since he was 17, while you were married, whenever he is with these guys and has the opportunity. Can you imagine that lot on a stag do?

I dislike him when he's with his friends he's loud and obnoxious. Honestly I am having a whole re think of this relationship.

IMHO there are a few intertwined issues here, and him telling you he was with a sex worker at 17 isn’t the main issue: it’s a symptom.

It sounds like, as you’ve got to know him, it’s come to light he hasn’t been entirely honest with you about who he is. And you (quite understandably) don’t trust him. It’s not really any of your concern who he had sex with before you knew him, as long as he’s had safe sex with you. But…

We had talked about things like this before and he would always say I'd never pay for sex that's desperate.

This means he’s lied to you. That’s a betrayal of trust. It makes it more likely he’s been deceptive about other things. Including, perhaps, that he’s been with a sex worker since he’s been with you, as you’ve suspected. You should always listen to your instinct. It’s a powerful thing.

Is your relationship together good? Is he a good partner to you? How does he feel about his friends? Does he condone or like their attitude, including them being with sex workers? Would his preference be to hang around with them going forward? Or does he mainly see them out of habit and loyalty, because they’re old friends?

This is the crux. If he likes hanging around with men like that, and condones their behaviour, it says a lot about him, and sounds like he’s not the man for you. However, if he’s always been surrounded by men like this (seems the case, if the brother encouraged him to be with a sex worker at 17), then maybe he’s weak and goes along with it. Maybe he’s now matured and changed and they haven’t. Maybe he always felt a bit uncomfortable.

He needs to honestly and openly explain to you who he is and what his values are. He’s a father. How would he feel about men using his DD for sex? How would he feel about his DS being with a sex worker? You’re entitled to know this if you have DC together. It’s fundamental values. Does he feel the loud and obnoxious man he is when with these friends is the real him?

Once you know that, you can decide if that’s the sort of man you want to remain in a relationship with. Don’t stay in a relationship with someone you don’t share values with, trust or even feel comfortable him for the sake of your kids. Even co-parenting will be hard if you have very different views on how to behave. So you’d have to discuss and agree what you both teach your kids about values. So your kids aren’t exposed to this.

It’s not nice but he was 17, I’d let it go if I were you.

My ex partner did similar in Amsterdam when he was around 20. So arguably worse than yours as he was a bit older and was not a virgin. He told me once, when we had been together a few years, didn’t go into details. I was shocked and upset but there wasn’t much I could do. It wasn’t nice but it wasn’t worth splitting up for.

We split up years later for completely unrelated reasons.

It’s not great to hear I’m sure, but after 8 years and kids together, if you have a good relationship, I think it would be a bit extreme to end things with him over something that happened when he was 17. Especially if it has no bearing on the man he is today. We all did silly things.

100% agree with this. Shocking attitude towards women. Comes across as “why pay when I can have sex for free”. Disrespectful to all women he’s had sex with, including OP, as well as sex workers. Entitled, egotistical, misogynistic and chauvinistic.

If a guy said that to me on a date, I’d explain I don’t find that attractive and make a very speedy exit.

There is nothing that can be done about it now. He was a 17 year old no doubt being led by his much older brother. You have two choices here, end the marriage or you say that is awful, i hope you see using sex workers as wrong, then get on with your life. Nothing else can be done.

Wow. Hysterical? Boys and men can be sexually abused, you know. Amd routinely are, by being shown violent pornography and coerced into sexual acts by family members. Fucking hell. The ignorance.

How would you feel having your privacy violated like that? Would you be OK if your other half said hand me your phone so i can trawl through your transactions. Let me see all your WhatsApp messages
You'd be OK with that?
OP he was 17
He didn't need to tell you
He did tell you
Let it go
Or let him go.

First of all I completely understand the shock, and I think that he lied because he is maybe embarrassed about it now that he is older.

Can I be honest? Everyone has a past - don’t throw your relationship away because of something your OH did as a teenager.

When I met my DH I was his first love, first kiss etc. I had been with people before, and to be honest he probably doesn’t know the extent of my past but really it doesn’t matter because that was BEFORE I met him. Not saying I’ve been around, just saying I was definitely not an angel in my late teens and early 20’s.

I think we all make mistakes and you have to let this one go.

A man who says he wouldn’t use a prostitute because it’s ‘desperate’ is a man who has no moral qualms about using prostitutes.

So when he is with men who don’t think it’s ‘desperate’ to use a prostitute, why wouldn’t he?

Normally I would say ignore stuff when someone was so young - I am sure that if we held a magnifying glass to how silly we all were at that age we would have things to confess.

What puzzles me is why he has the sudden urge to tell you ......