Confession from DP has made me feel really uncomfortable

[worriedmum8686]

Been with DP 8 years both early 40s three kids.

He admitted to me recently that when he was 17 he lost his virginity to a prostitute. He had always told me he lost his virginity in uni- he was a very awkward looking teenager and a late starter didn't have his first kiss until he was 18.

his brother was a squaddie and based in London so he would go visit him and on one of the trips he got a prostitue the brother got one too. I really can't get past this. I think the brother is worse as he was 28 at the time there is a big age gap. On one hand I'm trying to remember he was an immature 17 year old on the other I'm going over every lads trip he's been on and wondering if this is a thing he does. Would this be a deal breaker for you or am I over reacting

Very gross. But I’d be inclined to say an inexperienced 18yo with an encouraging older brother doesn’t realise how gross it is. His brother is rank, 28 is unforgivable. Sex with a prostitute is sex without informed consent of the woman.

I wouldn't have known "the range of situations" when I was 17. I was a kid. 🤷‍♀️

You wouldn't have known about drugs, homelessness, trafficking, debt, abusers etc?

I most certainly did. I also knew that you couldn't buy consent.

This. Like attracts like. If you dislike his friends, I'm guessing you'd dislike him too if you really knew him.

I think I would leave what he did at 17 in the past. Attitudes to prostitution were quite different then. Some of the prevailing views were - Men who used prostitutes were considered to be pathetic and unable to find a girlfriend who would have sex with them, or had kinks that they were ashamed of or it was some laddish rite of passage. The prostitutes weren’t really considered, barely thought of as people. They were commodities to be used. What happened could be put down to prevailing social norms.

It is his attitude to it now that would really bother me. He wouldn’t pay a sex worker now because he thinks it’s desperate so he’s very much entrenched in the views that were common when he was 17. He is happy in the company of laddish men who pay for sex and presumably doesn’t think his friends are desperate. Who hangs around with people they disdain?

If he has any genuine disapproval of the sex trade it is all about male ego and nothing to do with ethics. But his choice of friends suggests he doesn’t disapprove at all. You’ve been with him a long time so you might want to isolate this as a small part of his character that you don’t like but I think it will nag at you and alter your view of him permanently. Once you start seeing him through that lens I think you will become aware of a lot more entrenched misogyny, other hypocrisy and poor ethics and you will always be suspicious of him. Knowing what you now know, is he someone you want to spend your life with?

I mean, it was a long time ago, but I don't think so.

I dislike him when he's with his friends he's loud and obnoxious. Honestly I am having a whole re think of this relationship- but is the he used a prostitute at 17 and he's an annoying friend group reason enough to have our three kids have a dad they only see EOW

I really didn't at 17 at 27 though yes I did. He would have visited his brother regularly though and he didn't have a gf until he was 25 I am not convinced it was a one time thing tbh

I would be wondering why he felt the need to tell me now.
What has happened to make him ‘confess’?

Given the number of prostitutes and web cam stuff going on, there seems to be no shortage of men prepared to avail themselves of their services and it can't just be with the husbands and partners of non-Mumsnetters. Yes, it's gross but many men will have done this. He made a stupid decision as an awkward teenager and it would probably have never entered his mind if his brother hadn't initiated it. The fact he told you all this years later shows it has preyed on his mind. If he was still doing it, he would never have told you.

You're overreacting, he was 17, it was a life time ago. He's very unlikely to be having sex with sex workers any old chance he gets. It was presumably a one off thing that his older brother pushed him in to. I'd imagine he told you because he wants to be honest (no bad thing).

I'd not pull up someone in their 40s for their behavior at 17. It was a life time ago by maturing standards.

I didn’t. Or rather I knew drugs and homelessness existed but didn’t understand the impact or nuances. Had no idea about debt or trafficking.
Sadly I knew lots about abuse but I genuinely didn’t realise it was so common and happening in houses other than my own.

17 is hella young. I made some crazy decisions then and was incredibly vulnerable as a young runaway. I don’t know how old you are but it may be when he was teen that men using sex workers wasn’t seen the same way as it is now? And if he thought he was never going to lose his virginity then maybe he felt it was his only option. I am not excusing it AT ALL, but I think I could move past it based on his age as long as I was 100% confident it didn’t become habitual or that he hasn’t done it occasionally like in vegas for example.
ultimately only you can decide how to proceed and whether you trust him to be honest from now on

It wouldn’t bother me but it does bother you and that’s all that matters. But what would you do given he was 17 and where you are now in your marriage.

Was it a one off? Also he was 17. I would hate to be judged now on decisions I made at 17.

The reason not to use a sex worker is because it perpetuates the abuse, not because it makes the purchaser look desperate. Him not being able to differentiate between that or even recognise this, would be the most concerning of everything you have posted. There is obviously something bothering you about this more that an immature mistake whilst under sibling coercion.
After reading posts on here for years, about 95 percent of instinct about something not being right with a partner or potential partner are generally correct. It's also much easier to use a sex worker once you've done it once, whatever the circumstances of the first time. It's a line many men won't cross at any stage in life but for those that do they can quickly normalise it, especially if it is normalised in a peer group. I would be genuinely surprised if he has only done this once.

In my opinion, not even remotely.

Do you want to leave him anyway, by any chance?

Oh come on? He has 17! I doubt he recognised anything other than he was having sex! Don't make him out to be a pervert due to a crap teenage decision.

And why would he have normalised it? He's obviously mortified and just bringing it up now...

My DD partner had sex with a sex worker during their split when he was 19 & she was 17. He ended up appearing in a porno, whilst wearing a balaclava, and sat on a chair in the room... The reasons he did this? Because he's a bit bloody thick! And his "mate" told him he could get "free sex".

He's dumb bless him. Like really fucking dumb! But at no point was the sex worker in her 40s taken advantage of. If anything he's a dipshit for going along with it as a quite daft teenager.

Shit happens! I'd not berate someone for having some dodgy sex as a teen, and not worrying if the person involved was fully consenting and paying their taxes. Or if they were trafficked (it's generally easier to tell btw).

Re the squaddie brother....its an army thing. I dont know a single ex/current squaddie who hasnt bought sex. They all do it, its almost like a rite of passage, or I believe the American fraternities call is hazing/hasing (something like that). Any new recruit who doesnt do it is ridiculed, bullied and abused. BIL knows a guy that ended up in hospital because the "queer bashing" of a guy who wouldnt do it, almost killed him. This was in the early 80's and guess what? Nothing happened to the perpetrators. Similar happened when exDP was in late 90's, and my friend who is in now says it still happens, although to a lesser extent and more is done to stop it. It was and still is, awful.

If your DP idolised his brother and was led by him, I can see it happening. I would chalk that one up to not being brave enough to say no.

Him being peer pressured into something by someone 11 years older than him that he looked up to doesnt make him a habitual buyer of sex.

@Poppyseeds79 My DD partner had sex with a sex worker during their split when he was 19 & she was 17. He ended up appearing in a porno, whilst wearing a balaclava, and sat on a chair in the room... The reasons he did this? Because he's a bit bloody thick! And his "mate" told him he could get "free sex".

There are some sexworkers who claim to have made £millions by offering free sex to "barely legal" teenagers in return for having it filmed..
Apparently,100s of dumb guys are prepared to queue up for hours for this.

If it's true, then it's a sad indictment of male teenage morals and intelligence today.

I absolutely think it's true in some cases. Look at Bonnie Blue as case in point. Lots of young men queuing up to fuck for 2mins. Grim to my mind, and probably to most women (young women too). But it's apparently now the way of the world?

OF makes sex more "consenting" than ever before. Young women sellin their bodies whilst stating they're empowered doing so. Absolutely up to them it's their choice to make. But also young lads/older men do freely enable this because without the interest it'd not happen...

Never have I seen a daily fail stating... 'teenage male porn is on the increase, due to menopausal middle aged women' 🙄

I think everything you have said about your partner OP is very worrying.

If his older brother thought it was normal to use prostitutes it sounds as though your partner was conditioned from an early age to see this as normal for men.

I would suggest that by telling you the young age he lost his virginity with the prostitute he will have calculated that you would see this as not a deal breaker, that you would be able to get past it.

I think the fact using prostitutes is normal.in his own family and in the group of men he choses to mix with then he has absolutely no problem with prostitution as a concept.

And I think it's highly unlikely that his experience at 17 is the only time he has used one himself.

Added to that I think the way you say he behaves with his friends, that he goes, or has gone, to known " stag " destinations like Vegas, with them, I would definitely be rethinking my relationship with him. I honestly would struggle to be able to trust or even like a man who embraced the type of lifestyle he obviously does.

I wouldn’t judge him at 17 . Yes it’s gross but not necessarily representative of who he is as an adult. I’d judge his behaviour now though.

Well I guess no-one would be impressed with that news, but he was 17, probably influenced by his older brother. No, I wouldn’t just suddenly end my relationship if everything else was fine, over something a teenager did years ago. It was long before he met you.

What he did when he was 17 would not be a deal breaker.
What DP thought about what he did would be.
How does he feel about what happened?
Does he think it was a good move?
Does he feel like he was overly controlled/abused by his brother?

If he has repeated the behaviour since you have been on the scene, I would it would be a huge deal.
Probably he is not proud of the behaviour.

You need to just ask him,Op.
Have a frank discussion about what he has done and when.
Ask him what he thinks about some of his friend's behaviour.
Ask him what he feels about paying women for sex.

I'm very anti prostitution but I don't think that this would be something which would bother me long-term given that he was 17 and is 40-odd now. Although I would probably want a conversation with him about women's rights/trafficking/consent etc.

Ultimately it is highly likely that his brother paid for this, encouraged it, and to a certain extent exerted some peer pressure. I also agree with pp that the reason he clammed up when you were talking and that he hasn't mentioned this before is because he is embarrassed.