Confession from DP has made me feel really uncomfortable

[worriedmum8686]

Been with DP 8 years both early 40s three kids.

He admitted to me recently that when he was 17 he lost his virginity to a prostitute. He had always told me he lost his virginity in uni- he was a very awkward looking teenager and a late starter didn't have his first kiss until he was 18.

his brother was a squaddie and based in London so he would go visit him and on one of the trips he got a prostitue the brother got one too. I really can't get past this. I think the brother is worse as he was 28 at the time there is a big age gap. On one hand I'm trying to remember he was an immature 17 year old on the other I'm going over every lads trip he's been on and wondering if this is a thing he does. Would this be a deal breaker for you or am I over reacting

Deal breaker for me. It shows a lack of respect for women. If he didn't then, he won't now

It was pretty grim of his brother to do that.

You have to remember he was 17 and what some teenage boys can be like about first time experience. Sounds like he wants love and affection with sex now? If you have any doubts please talk to him.

It's reminding me of the Scott Walker song NEXT.

Legalising it would make the abuse, murder and control of women acceptable.

Do you really think those women in Amsterdam windows are not abused, controlled or murdered? Many are trafficked, abused and raped daily. They are pissed on by punters, have knives pulled on them frequently, degraded and treated like shite. Forced into cosmetic surgery to earn their pimps more money and told they cannot report it because 'it is legal' so no on will help them.

@whippy1981 I don't like it at all and if one of my friends got into it I'd go into hyperdrive worrying about their safety.

Like drugs it's something that will always happen so the main focus is keeping people safe.

It is an oxymoron is safe prostitution. You cannot keep women safe while they are being raped. They are always at risk regardless of the law. The only way is if it stops completely.

It won't ever stop though. Honestly I don't like it either

I agree it won't and it can't ever be made safe. It should be punishable - all those who do this to women should be held to account.

So he shagged a prostitute before he kissed someone?

I don't believe this is the experience of sex workers in New Zealand which was the first country to decriminalise prostitution. Before decriminalisation the situation was so much worse- they were at terrible risk because they couldn't name their terms without breaking the law. I'm not claiming there's no violence against prostitutes or that things couldn't be vastly improved, but the police have to and do deal with complaints of abuse and there are workplace safeguards. Prostitutes legally cannot be coerced. They can choose their place of work. Brothels are bound nby health and safety and workplace regulations. And there are legal restrictions in place to prevent people aged under 18 from being enticed into prostitution (age of consent is 16 here) and women being trafficked. It isn't perfect. But the police have quite publicly come down hard on those who have abused sex workers or trafficked. As they should.

I encourage you to read this from the NZ Prostitutes' Collective, a frankly awesome organisation that has staunchly advocated for sex workers rights for a very long time. www.nzpc.org.nz/The-New-Zealand-Model

For what it's worth, I think it's important to turn this around a little. What would we say about a 28 year old (of any gender) who encouraged/coerced their 17 year old sister to lose her virginity to a prostitute? What would we say about the 17 year old in this case. Cos it's the same situation. What happened to your partner should not have happened. His brother should never have encouraged this.

To be fair - he told you without needing to and seemed embarrassed/uncomfortable about the experience. It doesn't feel like the reaction of someone who is using hookers now.

I think he was pressurised and heavily influenced it by his adult brother which is awful and does seem to feel shame over it. PP reckon his brothers and friends have certain values and attitude means he does too- I don’t necessarily agree.

I was several years in a friendship circle where the women could only be described as heavily promiscuous and engaging in risky relationships -affairs and other stuff that was against my morals.

I was aghast at some of the behaviours and spent a lot of time trying to talk to them about being better. I had more than one guy in our social circle comment on how it didn’t make sense a how a girl “like me” was friends with all these girls 🙄 no-one understood it but looking back I see I just focused on the other sides of them and also did see myself as a rescuer role due to my upbringing.

Eventually realised I wasn’t on earth to be everyone’s support human, there was no helping some folk, got sick of the drama and chaos so cut them all off. However not everyone has the confidence or heart to do that especially when it’s childhood friends that are like family.

That said, in this case, where it’s tricky for me is the fact he kept this to himself for too long. It makes you wonder if in another ten years or so he’s going to confess to doing something in vegas or whatever. Hopefully not, but it’s understandable that it shook you up and made you doubt him.

I think that's very sad. 17 is basically a child.

OP, this is something that happened years ago, before he met you. It sounds like your husband had to find some courage to tell you, and the fact that he took years to do so suggests he feels some level of regret or shame. At 17 he was very young to make wise judgements, and to me this sounds very sad and rather complicated since his brother was involved. It's a lot for you to take in, but if you can get past it, your relationship could be stronger and closer, as it shows acceptance and understanding on your part and openness/trust with a big secret on his. However, if you have doubts about your DH's character, it's a different story. I guess it boils down to how much you love and trust him today. He could probably do with some counselling to help him explore all of this, especially his ongoing relationship with his brother.

Massively over reacting. Lots of us have done some fairly stupid/irresponsible/shameful things as immature adults but if my husband told me he couldn’t get over something I’d done decades before he knew me I’d think he was insane. It’s really none of your business to judge his behaviour as a child; you know him as the man he is now. Otherwise leave him but I would imagine explaining to family & friends why may be awkward

Not quite clear on something you mentioned..... your 'ex' used prostitutes??
Do you think you might be projecting your feelings about this 'ex' on to your husband?
It sound like he was pressured by his older brother and has had regrets ever since. In which case it probably took courage to tell you the truth now, since presumably you have mentioned your 'ex's behaviour and he will knkw your feelings on the matter.
Apologies if I have misunderstood...
I have regrets about some of my behaviour at 17... no prostitutes were involved.

I could get over the poor judgement at 17. But his reason given for not using sex workers - “that’s desperate” gives me so much ick. I wouldn’t want my husband not to pay for sex for that reason, but because I find it horrible to think of someone paying to use a woman’s body for their own desires. I know there’s the whole debate around sex work, and I have nothing against the women who choose this line of work. But I couldn’t be with a man who thinks women are objects whose bodies can be bought. His reasoning is all about not losing face and appearing “desperate” and nothing about the actual decision to pay for sex in this way, and that would be what makes me uncomfortable

Counselling will help. Don't throw everything away over an immature encounter.

He also needs to know he can trust you and be open.
Marriage is tough and sabotage is a big thing.
If you're otherwise happy, focus on the positives and put it behind you.

Hopefully you can get past it, but if not, it's for the best to cut ties than dredge it up for the rest of your married lives.

That's the whole point - they wouldn't HAVE pimps! They'd be in safe, controlled brothels, with access to health care etc, working for themselves, paying tax. If we can provide safe spaces for drug addicts to shoot up, surely we can provide safe spaces for women who want to sell their bodies? It's a commodity, people will want to buy. I may not agree with their choice, but I'll defend their right to do it, if it's their free choice.

No it isn’t.

Regardless, it’s very much in the past when he was probably a different person altogether. Yes it’s icky but it wouldn’t be a dealbreaker for me. Continued or later in life use of prostitutes would be.

So you can think that the NZ Prostitutes Collective are an amazing group but in reality they are ignoring the harm done to women. You say they are advocating for the rights of women. The spokeswoman for NZPC has denied trafficking. Anna Reed specifically said all females coming into the industry know what they are doing and are on working holidays. They also downplayed how difficult it is to leave the industry saying most can leave without issue and only 10% need assistance. When in reality over 70% said they have no way out and are trapped by their 'employers'. When asked about how many cases have been successful in women reporting men for breaking the law the NZPC have refused to give that information citing that it would break the workers confidentiality and suggested that the private lives of sex workers should not be known. Is there a reason they wish to hide this data? NZPC have turned a blind eye to inspections - given little over 10 inspections have been undertaken. Why are they not pushing for inspections of ALL venues much like an OFSTED situation? One has to ask why they are ignoring this and not pushing for the inspections as hard as they pushed for legalisation. NZPC issues women with instruction on how to overcome issues saying "You don't have to enjoy it just pretend you are...as with any job there is an element of performance." It also explains how women can tolerate the pain and trauma of anal sex by doing it more often thus encouraging muscle memory of the anus and that it shouldn't hurt after 20 minutes. They also advocate drug use saying "Take drugs if you need to" when discussing how to tolerate the system. They also released documentation challenging women who speak out on this saying "We must challenge them and their language at any opportunity." NZPC have said that women talking about the trade is them encouraging stigma and to reduce stigma is the main focus so women in the trade must be silent on this to reduce trade - basically silencing women from sharing their experiences. Now why would they want to do that?
They also victim blame those who have experienced harm within the sector. They have protested and picketed events where women's experiences are being shared. Security is now employed to keep NZPC out of such events to allow women to speak freely. They have actively pushed for feminists to be banned from events in the local community and disrupted events about feminism as they 'discriminate against sex workers' and 'promoting violence'. They NZPC have also tried to silence people legally and have encouraged violence against those who speak out by calling for 'in real life angry mobs'.
During events where women free from prostitution have been speaking out NZPC have attempted to coerce them back into the industry and actively advertise this as being a legitimate form of employment citing positives for women and girls entering - basically coercion!
The NZPC is a member of NSWP whose vice president was arrested for sex trafficking.
So by all means defend such an organisation that does all this. I suggest YOU read into their practices and what they actually do before supporting such groups.

Every single one of them is being harmed. I have read about it and also none of the claims stand up to scrutiny. Legalised rape is still rape. Men using these women are raping them. Rape should never be legalised.
There are children as young as 9 in this industry so for you to suggest there is no coercion - how does a 9 year old end up in this situation? There has been an increase of underage girls being part of this. Because these women can be labelled as 'independent contractors' no paperwork is needed so no one has to prove their ages etc so police cannot act.
Also there are men arrested for trafficking such women so why are they arresting people for trafficking into the industry if that is not the case? There are a lot of Thai and Maori females trafficked in this country for the rapists to enjoy. Some report being fisted that much that they have had to have surgery, beaten with bottles, thrown into walls, punched, strangled etc. Men used bottles, shoe heels and chair legs inside their victims. The law has given this the green light.
Marcus Barker being on who was jailed for arranging girls of 12-15 into the sex industry. So no legalising it is not working as the same issues apply.
The law prevents many reporting the abuse because this 'job' is the only one that people cannot get a visa for meaning any trafficked girls/women from other countries cannot report as they risk deportation.
Most of these women have suicidal thoughts daily because of the situation they are in.
I think you are blindly mistaken if you think this has had a positive impact. It has had a positive impact on increasing gang numbers as they take control of the women and brothels and control the sex tourism industry there. The Chow brothers have been known to support all kinds of torture for women and expect their workers to pay debts in sex (as it is legal) so it forces anyone who owes the company money to pay in sex. Forcing people to pay in sex is rape.
Murder is still happening. What the legalisation has done is glossed over women's harm and experiences. Parliament there has acknowledged that abuse of women, trafficking, murder and child rape is inevitable and the best that can happen as a result of the law is that women and girls can get support. Harm minimisation and covering up is not the best we can do at all.
Women are not reporting the crimes against them often as they feel unable to and because of the same threats etc that have always been there.
All the law does is legalise male power over female victims. The protests for legalising it have not happened when there have been murders of women within this field. All these people so staunchly advocated for the legalisation and 'rights' have not stood up and been counted when the women are murdered and abused? Where were their protests then?
You need to read a little bit more about the situation before calling it a success. If abuse and rape and murder of women and girls is your threshold of success then Jesus what has this world become?

In NZ they do have pimps! Look into the Chow Brothers! The main players in NZ who are running the bloody place like Mexican cartels do - untouchable by police and causing signficant harm. You might want to read into it. They deny the need for safe spaces. They refuse them health care. If a woman says they are sore they are told they are not allowed to seek help but to put on a brave face and continue.

They say women trafficked are on 'working holidays' FFS!

It isn't a choice when they are trafficked and abused. Women do not choose to abused and raped. Absolutely not. They are treated like a can of pop. Bought, consumed, discarded and then kicked and beaten before being dumped.

Women do not want to sell their bodies. The inside of a woman is not a workplace.

The women are being controlled more so and silenced by men when they speak out about the horrors. (Who lead the NZPC). You might want to read into what legalising it does! The NZ model has been shown to be abusive and support rape and torture of women.

The fact that these gangs silence anyone who speaks out about the issues in the system tells you all you need to know. Why would someone need to do that if the law means all is good in the world?

By all means support rape. I will not. Sex when you do not want it is called rape. the organisation in charge of promoting this law speaks about how to pretend to like it as they have a duty to put on a performance for the men. They are literally telling women to put on a mask when being raped. Disgusting.

I didn't say it was a success. I said the situation was different here. When businesses are decriminalised they can be regulated. Probably there needs to be more regulation. But the fact remains that decriminalisation made life safer for a large number of women working in what was an incredibly unsafe industry.

But there is no regulation. There have been 11 checks on all businesses. How is that regulation?

It hasn't made it safer the government have admitted that the same issues are still present. The government have reviewed it and said that it is inevitable that the same issues are still there.

It was and still is incredibly unsafe.