Confession from DP has made me feel really uncomfortable

[worriedmum8686]

Been with DP 8 years both early 40s three kids.

He admitted to me recently that when he was 17 he lost his virginity to a prostitute. He had always told me he lost his virginity in uni- he was a very awkward looking teenager and a late starter didn't have his first kiss until he was 18.

his brother was a squaddie and based in London so he would go visit him and on one of the trips he got a prostitue the brother got one too. I really can't get past this. I think the brother is worse as he was 28 at the time there is a big age gap. On one hand I'm trying to remember he was an immature 17 year old on the other I'm going over every lads trip he's been on and wondering if this is a thing he does. Would this be a deal breaker for you or am I over reacting

It is rape. You cannot buy consent.

Imagine if you were robbed and someone said well you handed over your purse and phone so you were not robbed as you agreed to give it to them. If you have no choice but to give it to them or else something bad will happen then you do not have a choice.

Same as with prostitution.

I agree, especially someone who was 17 in the late 90s/early 2000s like the OP and her DP. Trafficking of girls/women for sex was barely acknowledged and usually in the context of war zones or developing/poor countries. There wasn’t the awareness of it there is today and social attitudes were very bad.

I agree. His reaction is the reaction if someone who views the experience as traumatic.

If it was only about the prostitution I’d probably let it go, particularly if he seems genuinely remorseful now. He was 17 and made a mistake.
If however you have reason to think it wasn’t a one off and he might have done it since then that changes things- do you mean you think he might have cheated on you or were your suspicions from before you got together?
Cheating would be a deal breaker for me.
And his brother is a creep. An adult encouraging his kid brother to use a prostitute is 🤢

He wasn’t even an adult at the time and was put in that situation by a much older brother. I would completely let it go. However, you seem to be worried about his friends and what he might be doing now and that is a different matter. I doubt he feels deep shame about it (as some PP suggested) If his friends and brother use prostitutes and his reason for not doing so is because it is ‘desperate’ then I doubt he is particularly ashamed but maybe he is the odd one out.

That hasn’t changed yet, it is still legal to buy/sell sex in England between consenting adults. Although socially, many people think you cannot buy consent to sex

My point is that you cannot arrive at a fully formed 2025 understanding of consent for sex when you are 17 and in 1998-2002,

Consent for sex changes over time.

“Also if it is legal to buy consent how does rape even exist as all a rapist would have to do is chuck 10p at someone after raping them and bingo they just bought consent.”- the price and consent has to come before the actual sex just like any other contract for services or goods.

So rape doesn't exist then if someone gives you a tenner before raping them then?

For consent to be given you have to give it freely and willingly and have the option to say no. Without those then consent is not given. So these women do not have the option of saying no. They do not want to have sex. They have to.

Yes , as I said rape if girl is forced into it , not all prostitutes are forced into it , they do by choice , surely you know this aswel PP ??

That’s not even remotely close to what I said.

My take on it is that he was 17 and he found the experience something he wants to forget about, not repeat.

I understand your concerns about the friendship group being too intertwined - but as he has gone down the route of having children with someone far removed from that group, not related to anyone and with a different moral compass, then perhaps he is trying to move on from them. Still be friends with some, but not so enmeshed with the others.

He was 17 and you are 40 plus let it go this is weird for this to even bother you

I agree with this. I was 17 in the latter part of the 90s; the conversation around consent was "no means no." There simply was no discussion of the nuances of the sex trade at that time. At least none that I was privy to.

God. What a shitty thing for his brother to facilitate. I wonder if, given he was so young, he felt really pressured and unabke to not go along with it? I wonder too, if when he's talked about his disgust for it in the past, he's talking about how he feels. He may now be trying to open up about this to you because he feels safe to, and because he needs to process it. 17 is so very young. I'm thinking of how I would respond to a woman who told me something similar about an experience as a teenager. My instinct is to give him the benefit of the doubt and if you can, allow him the space to confide in you.

*This is not criticism of prostitutes, but IMO prostitution within the context of a patriarchal society where prostitutes' rights are not protected and there's a power imbalance between the provider of services and the buyer, is inherently problematic. And, it stands to reason thar 17 year olds of any gender are by law and common decency years too young to be engaging in or purchasing sex work.

Why can't it be both the woman and the underage boy? The person who comes out badly in this is his considerably older brother. I mean seriously, WTF was he thinking?

This is not ideal, but then again is it worse for a one night stand with someone in a club? I’d be taking the Micky out of my DH if he admitted this. Probably more common than people will ever let on.

He probably is a but ashamed, and was a shy one who needed help or confidence boost. Crikey a brother who was a squaddie I bet he loved helping his little bro.

In a way she may have been a professional so would have been all above board.

not great, but not a deal breaker imo.

Bit horrible isn’t it. Lying for eight years is deeply unfair to you. I’m very sorry this has happened to you. He’s not the person you thought he was.

So you were having quite an intimate chat about children being sexualised which then connects to losing virginity and he told you this? And was then embarrassed and didn’t want to talk about it further? I see this as him explaining that he felt coerced and pressured (and like a child as that was the link) and in your situation I would be really touched that he felt safe enough to confess this knowing you would not react well.

The ‘only men are desperate use prostitutes’ comes from the same area doesn’t it? In other words he hangs out with men who use prostitution or at least don’t see it as bad and this is his standard response when they want him to join in because to say to them he’s reluctant to participate for moral reasons is a lot harder than to pretend only sad and desperate men use prostitutes. In fact he may even be using this to influence them away from it in a way they can understand. It’s not as good as a strong moral stance but it’s moving in the right direction perhaps.

The friends you describe, all intertwined with relations, can be hard to throw off, so I can understand it if he’s been to their stags. Was it only for that they went to vegas or do they regularly have these trips? it’s interesting the friends he wanted you to know first were good guys. it shows he knows and appreciates the difference.

i think another chat is in order to talk about things going forward, but i don’t think you should jump from his confession to assuming he’s been using prostitutes continually. I suspect he is ashamed and associates that behaviour with an unhappy time in his life when he was made to feel like less than a man by his brother. I’m not sure he’s going to want to relive that. But if, as you say, he’s a different person when he’s with these friends it might be worth emphasising how much you don’t like that person in comparison to how he is with other friends .

The average age of starting is 13. I'm sure they do have a choice.

hi all thanks so much for your replies. I just feel icky about it all. I feel sad that that was how he lost his virginity however I yhink what has stumped me is that now I know his opinion of paying for sex hasn't always been the same as it is now. Gut feeling I don't think it was a one off...my ex prositutues were never mentioned- now he was a serial cheat but boys weekends he never mentioned his friends with prostitutes.

I think what has my spidey senses going is how when DH has told me
before about friends using them he always just looked very shameful about it. And I could never figure out why so it's either because of his own experience or he has used them after the first time too. I spoke to him this morning about it and he is adamant he has never cheated on me paid for or not. We have actually discussed going to relationship counselling now as I can really hang on to things and will not let go. I don't want to constantly dredge this up but also he has to understand why I am on edge

This, basically. If these are the 'values' of his friend group (and yes I've seen your explanation that they're all related etc; that actually makes it even more probable that they've all been raised in similar ways, possibly by laddish dads?) then it's really unlikely that he's going to be going with them and being the sensible one going back to the room tucked in with a book by 9.

DH actually does hate this sort of shit and therefore doesn't hang out with people who do. Not that they'd be clambering to hang out with him 😆 but that's what someone does who doesn't actually enjoy those activities. They don't keep going and spending their holiday time and money on activities they don't enjoy. If they grew up with a group and they've diverged, they usually use the wife as an excuse that they're not 'allowed' or whatever, and live a quiet life.

Basically, I think you should trust your instincts here.

When I was at college a friends dad took him to Thailand and paid for him and his son to visit prostitutes he was 17 and lost his virginity. I found it incredibly sad at the time and still do. I don't think he wanted to but felt huge pressure from his dad. Worried he'd never lose his virginity but actually a year later got a girlfriend.

Who is your partner as an adult today op? What has he learnt from it how does he view women now? Not just in words but in actions. Will he pull up friends for "banter" or laddy behaviour? What's his principles/morals? That's what I'd be wanting to know.

Only 0.1% of men are lying bastards? the real dumb generalisation is to think 99.9% of men are sincere

I could not get stressed about something someone did at 17 when I didn't meet them til over 10 years later. 17yr olds are hardly mature and their prefrontal love is far from fully developed.
Also 2 things you said make me doubt it's a regular thing, 1, he said he doesn't like to think of that first time when he looked back, which suggests it was an uncomfortable experience not a pleasant one and two he's told you friends have used prostitutes whilst they've been away, I would think If he was also partaking he would avoid any mention of it.

That said, for this to cause you to think of ending the relationship, there must already be some issues .

You need to give your head a wobble - it was years and years ago, and he was only 17! You're making a mountain out of a molehill. Move past it. * there's nothing wrong with prostitution as such - if it was legalised we wouldn't have vulnerable women being abused, murdered, controlled.

His brother and friends are sleazy creeps and you don't like him when he is around them?

That is an even bigger issue, as the use of a prostitute is just confirmation of what low life's they are.

Protect yourself OP, sounds like he is a low class of person.