to think grandparents do not have to ttoreat their step grandchildren exactly the same way as their blood grandchildren? Part 2

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Previous thread

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/amibeingunreasonable/5308130-to-think-grandparents-do-not-have-to-treat-their-step-grandchildren-exactly-the-same-way-as-their-blood-grandchildren?page=40&reply=143511587

No one is advocating that people be cruel or unkind to step children.

I’m going to ask on this thread as my post only got in at the end and I’d be really interested in an answer:

Can I ask those saying OP IBU? At what point should wider family start treating kids of new partners like their own? After a year? When they’re married? Immediately? Some people are very chaotic (my brother) and feel the need to introduce a new girlfriend every other month and being their new “stepchild” round too. Sometimes at Christmas. My mum will spend £200 on my nephew at Christmas. Should new girlfriend of 3 month’s kids also have £200 each spent on them even though we all know we will never see them again after that?

Excellent question.

Certainly after they’re married, as IMO those two families have absolutely merged/blended at the point.

Personally, our family has always done it before. Mainly because neither my sister nor myself are married, she’s been with her partner for 17 years and I’ve been with mine 4 - both men with pre-existing children.

We generally treat the children the same from when the relationship becomes evidently serious and it’s clear that we’ve accepted responsibility for those kids. Been together a year or so, living together - that sort of rough ballpark.

That may sound vague, as there’s no set thing in our family, however we don’t separate kids into shared or step once a relationship is obviously serious/committed.

We would say for example that my sister and her partner have 5 kids - because they do, between them. I wouldn’t say my sister has 2 and he has 5, they have 5. None of them are treated any differently than the others in her home or by our family.

What about all grandparents, friends and extended family? Is everybody treating the children exactly the same? Everyone has adjusted their wills for the step children?

I think they should be included in holidays, should get a similar level of present once the relationship is clearly one for the long term but I think it would be rare to include them in a will to the same level as the other grandchildren, but it depends what they are giving the other grandchildren, but would hope they got something reasonable if they had been known to the grandparents for decades.

I don’t think it’s black and white as obviously lots of family arrangements with step children are different. Some step parents are in their stepchild’s life from infancy and others not until the stepchildren are already teens. Some step parents live full time with their step children, some may only have contact fortnightly or even less frequently. How grandparents treat their step children is obviously going to be different if the child was introduced as a baby’s/ toddler, lives full time within the step family and sees the step grandparents regularly compared to a step grandchild introduced as a teen who only sees the step family every other weekend and only sees the step grandparents at occasional family functions.

I adore my DNs and like to treat and spoil them, if in the future any of my siblings separate from their spouses and remarry to somebody with teen children who I only see once or twice a year I can’t imagine I will ever feel the same way about them as I do my DNs who I’ve known since birth and I can’t imagine wanting to treat them in the same way either. That said, if one of my single siblings met a partner who was the resident parent to a toddler/ young child and they ended up in a serious relationship and went on to have subsequent children and I regularly saw that step-niece/ nephew every time I saw my DNs I can imagine treating them the same way as their siblings. I think family context and individual situation is very relevant in terms of how much step children are part of the wider family.

My stepkids were teens when I married my OH. My family has barely met any of them and they don't treat them as part of the family because they're not. Always friendly when paths cross but that's it.
Similarly, my stepkids' grandmother and aunties were always kind to my kids but there's no familial relationship.

Yes.

The family on my DH's side is very complicated. Short version - his kids are both adopted and want nothing to do with their birth families. (One was an infant and the other a baby when they were adopted.)

DH was brought up by his grandfather and step-gran. (Yes, he was illegitimate and his birth mum was sent away.) GF was dead by the time the kids came along. So far as they were concerned, DH's step-gran was their gran.

DH eventually met his half-siblings and was welcomed by them and their children. His kids, however, have no interest in them or their cousins through them.

We’ve covered all of this on the other thread, I believe.

Shared gifts if not possible buying for all, or smaller gifts per child. If absolutely necessary for only biological children to be gifted, don’t make the SC watch. Do it a different day.

Otherwise, you’re trying to exclude them - and I can’t fathom why.

Wills - I have no input. With most I know it would be out of the norm for any GC to inherit, it goes to their parents and then they decide whether to “share,” personally I would. Same goes for any inheritance from other, non parental, family members - it would have benefited my whole family and not just myself, or any biological children.

Otherwise, again, it’s intentionally excluding. Unless someone said “Do not give any of that to your SC,” and if that was said - I’d have questions.

If absolutely necessary for only biological children to be gifted, don’t make the SC watch. Do it a different day.

@SleeplessInWherever Should the biological children not be allowed to open their presents on their birthday because SC are there?

Do they have birthdays on the same day as each other?!

Obviously, unless one of the step-grandchildren have a birthday on the same day as one of your biological grandchildren, this isn't the same. No-one expects to get gifts on someone else's birthday.

It's different at Christmas when all the children would have presents and the disparity between the gifts would be stark and obvious.

Your point, was that the SC receive less because extended family don’t buy for them. I’m assuming nobody buys for them on somebody else’s birthday.

I assumed you meant Christmas, for example, when the SC are watching the GC open however many presents from whoever, and not receiving the same. My suggestions were ways round that.

Your GC aren’t the badly done to here - I don’t believe anyone is taking these SC horse riding, or spoiling them in anywhere near the same way the GC are.

I really do feel like you prefer them left out. Which if I’m honest, is a weird hill to die on.

It sounds a little like your view is “of course they have less, but so they should!” If I’m wrong, great.

Apologies. I did mean Christmas rather than birthday. What should be done then?

Christmas is usually alternated so the SC do see the GC receive many more gifts on the days they are with their father. Like I said, all family and friends cannot be told to buy for 6.

Why do you think I would prefer them left out?

Okay. Christmas is alternated in our house too.

If for some reason my family didn’t want to buy my stepson gifts, we would have our family Christmas at home and see them once he’d gone back to his mums.

As an aside, we actually do this, as he doesn’t engage with Christmas (autistic). We see my family one year, and my partners the year we have my stepson. This year we’ll see my family between Christmas and New Year. I appreciate our circumstances are different and there’s only one of him.

However - if the SC aren’t included in Christmas, don’t bring them. Keep the gift giving separate and don’t rub in their faces that they’re receiving less.

I think you prefer them left out because your responses seem defensive of the fact that your SIL and daughter seem fine for them to be left out.

I am eternally grateful than when my mum married my Dad (not my biological father), that his wider family treated me in exactly the same way as my siblings and cousins. Reading stories where people are not so accepting, and who go out of their way to exclude the non bio dc make me think they are arseholes. To deliberately exclude a dc for something that is outside of their control is, in my opinion abusive and damaging.

This. Never been more grateful that my stepdad isn’t like some of the things I’m reading.

The SC stay for a week at a time when it is Christmas. Should the GC wait until they have gone home before they can open their presents? Should these presents then be hidden so SC don't see them? I don't think that is realistic.

They are not rubbing their presents in anyone's face. They are children who look forward to Christmas and want to open their gifts on Christmas day.

I don't prefer them left out but neither do I think everything should be kept hidden in case the SC get upset. The SC bring presents they have received to their father's home. My GC understand they have other family members and do not get upset or feel left out.

Re: the gift giving.

I'm a bit puzzled as to why children would be opening their gifts from family friends in front of their half or step siblings anyway, when they don't live together full time.

What is excluding though? Should my DD's friends be told they have to buy for her 4 SC as well as her two biological children?

How is it abusive and damaging?

It would happen at Christmas when the SC are staying with their father. All the children are together and opening gifts on Christmas day.

I think a lot depends on the situation, a step child who has a loving other parent in their life along with more grandparents is quite different to a step child who has no other parent or grandparents in their life. Plus age you meet them, if young it’s quite different to adults. My dsd has inherited from one set of grandparents and will inherit significantly from the other side as no other children, my parents will leave just to my dc

I’m assuming your daughter also… does Christmas?

What exactly is wrong with waiting to open a present from Uncle Trevor? It’s not going to kill them, and is far less damaging than the SC sitting through a present festival they weren’t invited to.

I will repeat, regardless of how long they stayed for, or the circumstances - if it’s not equal, we’re not doing it. There is no way on planet earth my kids would be patiently waiting for their siblings to finish opening their pile of gifts from people who didn’t buy them one, and your SIL shouldn’t be allowing it.

They’d receive their gifts from us, and then “extras”… can wait.

I don’t understand why this is so difficult 😂

I suppose traditions vary from family to family.

In our family, gifts from family members were always kept separate from those from "Santa"/the parents.

In the case of the SC being at their father's, I should imagine that any gifts from family friends or relatives on their mother's side would be at their mother's house and not ferried to their father's house for Christmas day.

You do realise that just because the SC do not see the presents being opened does not mean that they will never see the presents right? They would still see the presents and ask questions.

Unless you think the presents should be hidden away every time the SC visit?