to think grandparents do not have to ttoreat their step grandchildren exactly the same way as their blood grandchildren? Part 2

[betnet]

Previous thread

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/amibeingunreasonable/5308130-to-think-grandparents-do-not-have-to-treat-their-step-grandchildren-exactly-the-same-way-as-their-blood-grandchildren?page=40&reply=143511587

No one is advocating that people be cruel or unkind to step children.

How about applying the OP’s dd’s logic to your situation? The biological father is
caring physically for his own children by the dd and living full time with them, but not contributing towards their education. Obviously a completely different kettle of fish and nothing to do with him?!

Now you’re being obtuse. Presumably the other two children from the ex wife don’t come and stay with your GC. I do think friends and relatives should be asked to buy for all 6 grandchildren who do spend time with each other, or not to buy for any. Don’t know why you find this concept so difficult.

Have you ever met the other two children? Do they come over and stay for a week at Christmas to watch the grand present unveiling?

Should it be decided that my DSS was to be privately educated, the money would come from both of his homes.

Our funds are joint, I wouldn’t force them to be separated for that - we would pay for it out of our money.

In the event his mum couldn’t contribute, as in OP’s case, we’d pay it or he wouldn’t go. There’d be no mention of grandparents.

People seem to make gift giving more complicated than it has been in my experience. This is how I've worked it. Low value / consumables go to every child present, including the random friend in tow. I once had my teenage nephew's girlfriend offer to pay for her own ice cream at the park. Um, no, kiddo, you're a fantastic part of the tribe, I can shout you a 99! My friend brought her parents' foster kid on an outing, if I'm getting them hot chocolate I'm getting them all hot chocolate. These are kids I may or may not meet again. My step niblings I include as full niblings and of course they get whatever the consumable of the day is. Easter eggs all round! That entire branch is big and of diverse ages so I tend to do a low value Christmas present (eg everyone gets a wash bag or pj's, I choose something different each year) and cash in an an envelope. Steps get the same as full. Girlfriends get their own gift but their name tagged onto the envelope!
At Christmas I go to a party not on Christmas day that might be the only time I see a certain nibling set. There are loads of people at this party, including inlaws of inlaws, if I had people staying over the festive period I'd be welcome to bring them along. The rule for that party is that it is not a present party. So I pass the present to the parent and they give it to the kids later. If I wanted to watch the unboxing I would have to develop the organisational skills to see them separately. I don't usually have the wherewithal at Christmas!
If you have kids staying a week I don't get how you wouldn't consider them close enough to get a decent present!

He doesn’t pay for private education for any of his children. Presumably he discussed the issue with his wife and, because private education was important to her, she was prepared to cover the cost herself (and with the help of the OP, who is prepared to contribute to her grandchildren).

I know there’s a lot of focus on social media and smartphones as causes of growing mental health problems in children, but reading threads like this, I can see plenty of other research opportunities to help ascertain why young people think their lives are so shit.

To be honest, I would find it odd of a friend told me I had to buy four extra Christmas presents for her new husbands children who only spent a few days a month in her house and presumably I had never met.

it would be different if the children lived in house full time and I had spent time with them and knew them.

Ditto for the elderly uncle. I am sorry I didn’t catch whether he knows the children. But presumably in a blended family there will be a lot of people who some of the children know and therefore get presents from and some who the children don’t know. The four children have two houses where they get gifts - if they are too young to understand that they have different extended families then some gifts can be held back until they don’t watch.

Is weekends and holidays really a “hardly ever there” situation?

So what’s the answer? Spend the same amount on SGC?

But the OP’s daughter had been paying for her own children’s education, and now the OP is picking up the cost, entirely her choice, and no one will convince this should extend to anyone else’s children

It seems a lot is important to the dd that he doesn’t pay for. The poor fellow is coming across like more of a sperm donor than anything else on this thread.

I think it is obtuse to ask DD's friends to buy an additional four sets of gifts for SC they have never even met or met once or twice.

‘Tis the season to be Scrooge, methinks. Oh, the horror or caring and sharing at Christmas of all times!

There was a thread on here many years ago - I wonder does anyone remember?

an older lady had been paying school fees (and her sons child support payment!) for her granddaughter. Son was a bit of a loser and she got on well with the ex daughter in law and was very close to the granddaughter.

son was getting remarried and future daughter in law visited her and said she excited to enroll her children in private school. The assumption being this lady would pay for her two (teenaged) children who she hadn’t even met yet (or maybe met once but they didn’t speak to her - can’t remember).

the resounding response to this lady at that time was she didn’t need to pay, this new duo was extremely cheeky and the son in law was an arse.

very different response here!

Yes I think it is odd and seems a bit grabby too. A lot of DD's friends don't know the SC and people are expecting them to buy for 6 children.

The elderly uncle knows the children but not the SC. People are proposing that he buys all 6 children gifts or none at all. Or the famous box of biscuits for everyone to share.

Yes because people should like Santa and buy gifts for everyone they do not even know 😂

So my mum spends £200 on all her GC - if my brother introduces his new GF and her 3 kids on Christmas Day, she has to fork out an extra £600 she doesn’t have on kids she has never clapped eyes on and may never again?

Meanwhile in the real world, where normal people inhabit, it’s accepted that the “step kids” get a selection box at most and the actual GC are treated like GC. Because the 3 step kids have their own GPs and frankly if they’re are upset because they aren’t getting as much as the new “step dad’s” son we should probably be renaming them all Verruca Salt

Another good research subject for why children think their lives are so shit these days. It’s all incredibly self-centred. People know the price of everything and the value of nothing. How about getting your head round the complicated and novel idea that, if you have a budget, you divide that amongst the number of people who will be there at Christmas? Or does the attitude extend also to the food? Heaven forfend that every other year, there are more mouths to feed - sit them at the end of the table and give them gruel and tell them to be thankful.

I remember from when I was at school, when blended families and divorce were less common, listening in fascination as people who did have complicated families talked about how much they hated Christmas and having to go from one house to another and focus more on keeping their parents happy and not pissing off their step-parents than having a jolly Christmas.

But surely in this example the children could not possibly expect to get the same gift as the grandchildren. From someone they have just met who is related to someone their parent is dating?

I always have gifts under my tree for any child who visits my house over Christmas. I go out of my way to make them special and personal - as far as I can and this will depend on how well I know the child.

but my neice and nephew get super duper expensive gifts. Last year I bought my nephew an Apple Watch. Would I buy the same for a child I was only meeting for the first time and might never see again? Absolutely not. Would I hold the gift back so it wasn’t opened infront of other children who aren’t getting the same - yes.

Perhaps kids feel like shit these days because they’ve been sold the lie that every Tom Dick and New Stepgranny cares deeply for them, and are gutted to find it’s not true.

So according to you, my mum who has 4 DGC so spends £800, should only spend half of that when my brother decides he wants to introduce his latest GF to us all, and spend £100+ on 3 strange children? To put it in simple terms - why should she? To appease the sensibilities of a load of kids she doesn’t know (who may or may not give a shit about getting present off New Stepgranny)? I don’t know about you but I don’t prioritise a stranger’s child as much as children in my family. Nobody should have to. And I’ve never got more than a token gift for step relatives.

If it’s so shit for kids maybe giving them realistic expectations rather than spending their lives playing pretend will help?

Since we are talking here about riding lessons and private education, not charity shops and foodbanks, this is all about greed, not need at the end of the day. Of course, from the OP’s perspective, the greed would come from the stepchildren wanting a share in any of it, not from their father’s new family not being very welcoming because they do not wish their wealth to be diluted.

OP, why are you so obsessed with making sure the step DGC don't get equal gifts? Like literally what does this have to do with you? You have your own issue with the school fees to be dealing with. The rest - you're just sounding mean and petty tbh.

What has any of that got to do with four children who have been in the OP’s family’s lives since before her biological grandchildren were even born?