to think grandparents do not have to ttoreat their step grandchildren exactly the same way as their blood grandchildren? Part 2

[betnet]

Previous thread

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/amibeingunreasonable/5308130-to-think-grandparents-do-not-have-to-treat-their-step-grandchildren-exactly-the-same-way-as-their-blood-grandchildren?page=40&reply=143511587

No one is advocating that people be cruel or unkind to step children.

Sure, their father can’t contribute the same amount as he would if he only had the younger two children, but that does not mean the family wealth of the maternal family is being spent on anyone other than those they intend for it to benefit. It isn’t money being spent on the stepchildren.

Who knows? He may not have been able to afford to, or be willing to, contribute regardless.

Clearly equality is not the aim. Nor is equity. The aim is to ensure that the grandchildren stay in their private school and the sil take more responsibility for his children’s problems, rather than expecting his mil to open her purse to help him solve them, which is fair enough. Meanwhile, he appears to deal with the schism between his old and new families by being a wet blanket who leaves all decisions about his children and their consequences to other people to deal with, even when he can see the harm that is doing them.

I still disagree. However much you try to deny it, he is married to the OP’s DD, so the money he earns is family money and he is now family. A significant proportion of that family money is diverted to his other children, as it will also be when he dies. As a consequence, more of the OP’s money is required now to fill the void, because family money is going to the stepchildren.

By all means disagree 🤷🏻‍♀️

I have no idea, any more than you do, as to the finer details of their financial set up, or whether OP’s DD is spending more than she otherwise would. They may very well be living, for the most part, a lifestyle he can afford to contribute his 50% towards when it comes to their shared child (excluding horse riding and school of course), whilst also covering whatever costs are associated with his eldest children.

So if SC still see their biological extended family surely it's reasonable for them to have less? Do these members of their extended family buy expensive gifts and treats for the step children the other way round? My ex husband and I have a DS. Ex now has a step daughter from second marriage8. I am remarried and have a DD with new husband. According to mumsnetters my exes DSD should get gifts from my parents and also inherit from them. It's nonsense. My DD and DS inherit from me, Dh and their DF and naturally get gifts etc. Is this not enough?

In my case, my stepdaughter has stepkids who have children. I've met the stepkids once that I can recall for certain (possibly a second time) - 25 years ago. I've never met their children...

All those posters who insist that step grandchildren, step nephews and nieces etc should be treated exactly the same as biological relatives, presumably you think that in laws( ie people related to you only by marriage, like step relations) should be treated exactly the same too?

So if you have a son or daughter in law would you spend exactly the same amount on them as you do your child at birthdays and Christmas?

Do you expect your parents to spend the same amount on your spouse as they do on you?

What about when grandchildren get married, should the grandparents spend the same on the grandchild's spouse for birthdays and Christmas? What about sisters and brothers in law?

I have a daughter in law and had an ex son in law. I love my daughter in law but she has her own parents, I spend generously on her birthday and Christmas but not nearly as much as I spend on my son. I also do give joint presents sometimes. Her parents give her much more generous presents than they do to my son although they love him very much, we all think that's normal.
My mother gives her a token gift or sometimes nothing, my son's never had a gift from his wife's grandmother, again that's all normal and fine.

This is in response to a poster about a different situation

Exactly. the DD’s step children. Not OP’s.

Pretending SC don’t have other sets of GP and parents is the only plebeian behaviour. It may be your choice to bring SC into your world but nobody else should be responsible or have their wallets hit because of it.

Good point. If they didn’t have 4 other kids to finance perhaps OP’s DD could fork out for school fees herself.

lol Pil treated their bio grandchildren differently.

their DD’s children had all their hobbies paid for, support for private school, large cash gifts, house deposit, left money in the will.

son’s kids got nothing.

so expecting people to treat Stepgc equally seems unreasonable to me.

I don't understand why wills should include stepchildren unless the grandparents wish to do that. The stepchildren have their own grandparents so if anything are at an advantage.

The SC in this case receive presents from:

Mother
Father
Step mother
Step mother's mother
Step mother's father
Step father
Step father's mother
Step father's father
Grandfather on mother's side
Grandmother on father's side
Grandfather on father's side
Grandfather on mother's side
3 Uncles
2 Aunts
Others I do not know of

People still insist DD's friends should be buying her two biological children gifts as well as the four SC. Her elderly uncle should also be buying for all 6 apparently otherwise it is cruel and unkind.

Well said!

In my case, my stepdaughter has stepkids who have children. I've met the stepkids once that I can recall for certain (possibly a second time) - 25 years ago. I've never met their children...

I hope you buy them all generous gifts ……. 😂😂😂

That’s a fair point.

OP’s daughter chose to have children and bring them into her world, perhaps she also should stop expecting someone else’s wallet to pay for their education and horse riding.

You’re right. That’s quite enough gifts, someone should stop buying them, actually.

Giving children presents, how awful an idea!

But those children are OP’s actual family, her grandkids. OP is happy paying for their education. But the other children are really nothing to do with OP and to suddenly expect people to park their natural feelings and love random children like their own GC is frankly deluded

No, no - you were right the first time.

People should be encouraged to pay for their own choices.

No definitley not. Maybe just a token gesture gift in this instance. And for all children everywhere to be shielded from the shitty dynamics and complexities of the lifestyles the adults in their lives have chosen.

My mum used to deal with this situation when I was a step parent by buying my children and DSD small but nice presents at christmas of about equal value depending on what they wanted. Then she would put money in to my children's bank accounts as the second part of there present but not DSD.
I have no issue with this as they were very welcoming to DSD, she even came away on holidays with them and got invited to family weddings and stuff. However DSD also had very hands on maternal grandparents who were very generous to her and it just wasn't the same relationship she had with my parents.

If I got remarried again, I would still leave my house and all my money to be split between my children to do as they wish- probably won't remarry for this reason.

No, no - decent people take care of their GC. Nobody should be expected to take care of anyone beyond GC just because sure their AC decided to couple up with another parent. Would it be nice - yes. Is it mandatory - no. Does it make anyone a bad person if they don’t treat SGC like their own GC - also no.

Like anything in life, there are nuances. Blood isn’t always thicker than water.

Surely you just do what feels right for your family? I actually agree that the OP shouldn’t feel obliged to pay school fees for SGC. But likewise she does sound quite cold about them and that’s sad.

So addressing this to OP - I am very close to my stepdad and his children have disowned him. I see my stepdad’s dad (my grandad as I see him) and he puts up photos of my children and sees them. In your scenario, he shouldn’t put up photos of my children because they’re not blood relatives? Why?

Weird how that line only works for you with SC, isn’t it.

People should take ownership of their choices when marrying people with existing children, but not when they decide to have them themselves. They’re both choices. We’re either owning them, or not.

It’s grabby to want children to be treated fairly, but not grabby to expect your mother to pay to clothe your kids.

SC are entitled if they want an Easter egg, but you’re not entitled if you fund your children’s education from various pots of money you haven’t earned, or in fact if you send your kids to horse riding lessons that you haven’t paid for.

There’s only one group of people being spoilt and entitled here - but rich people gonna rich 🤷🏻‍♀️!