to think grandparents do not have to ttoreat their step grandchildren exactly the same way as their blood grandchildren? Part 2

[betnet]

Previous thread

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/amibeingunreasonable/5308130-to-think-grandparents-do-not-have-to-treat-their-step-grandchildren-exactly-the-same-way-as-their-blood-grandchildren?page=40&reply=143511587

No one is advocating that people be cruel or unkind to step children.

Ours too.

When we were kids there was a huge difference in what my dad and stepmum bought us, compared to their shared kids.

But even they had the decency to do grandparent gifts etc when we weren’t there.

OP is really determined to fight her corner. Poor step kids. I was on the fence before about the whole issue but now I am convinced that the OP’s preferred family style is punitive and unfair.

I think, genuinely, your daughter’s family and friends should be including them by now, and it’s a real shame that they’re not.

Just lock them in a cupboard for the whole of Christmas Day, that’ll fix it!

I have a question for those saying all children have to be treated the same.

in this example the four older children only visit the house at weekends, and don’t seem to spend any real time with OP or think of her as their grandmother.

I see my cousin at an adult only Christmas event every year and always buy her daughter a book linked to an interest the daughter has. She has recently remarried and her new husband has three older children. It was a small wedding, so while I have met the new husband I have not met his teen sons. I didn’t send gifts for them. I can’t imagine three teenagers will care one but that their step-mothers cousin didn’t buy them a Christmas gift! But according to this thread I can cruel and all four children should be treated exactly the same by everyone linked to their are parents.

You don’t have to treat them the same but it’s much kinder if you do. The time to start is when your DS/DD starts to treat the SC as their own. You love and cherish those your offspring love and cherish.

No, children who you see at Xmas should be given a token present though

Except what we said was that where that isn’t happening (like here), it’s cruel to make the SC sit and watch the bio children open big piles of gifts.

That wouldn’t be your call.

Where do you draw the line?

AIUI the situation is:

• SiL has four children from his previous marriage
• ExW has remarried and had further DC
• SiL has two further children with DD
• ExW is the RP for the SC who spend weekends with DD/SiL
• DD is a high earner and has chosen to send her DC to private school. (presumably with SIL agreement)
• DD has had job issues and OP stepped in to help with fees out of her savings
• SiL has asked her to pay for his other children as well, despite never having paid for their education himself
• SC DM/partner are both out of work, despite having at least 6DC between them
• SC have extended family network of their own with money who decline to spend it on the SC

Surely the issue here is with the SC RP set up and the example being set and their own moneyed relatives choosing not to spend it in the same way as the OP. I'd put money on their home set up being as much to do with their academic difficulties as the difference between state and private (which is not a magic fix for academic struggles).

Why is it the OP's responsibility to fix this problem rather than the SC own parents, DGPs and relatives? The RP/DH could at least get themselves into work.

Even if the OP had the money for the SGDC - where does it stop? Should she fund their half siblings so that it remains fair in the RP home?

I'd be taking a long hard look at the man who fathered six children by two different partners and expected his PiL to provide for his DC by his ex (also the parent of at least six DC). I would be considering trust options to protect my DGC interests longer term.

In general terms its perfectly possible to treat steps fairly without treating them in the exact same way. As PP said - some parents/DGP would object to too much equivalence, especially if they couldn't compete. Treating them differently when on a day out together would be crass but its not unreasonable to buy things for your own DGC when they have a full set of their own family involved in their lives and it avoids stepping on toes.

Every set up will be a bit different - a SC who has been in both partners lives since infancy and is near as damn it adopted/has little contact with their other parent/family is going to become just one of the regular DGC over time. The OP's set up sounds very different

For me - weekend only access isn’t for me anyway, see your kids more than 4 days a month. Disney dads are not the one.

Secondly - I genuinely think that if the children’s mum isn’t working, and they have access to less there, as the working parents I’d be compensating for that when they were with us. They’d be more likely to have paid for hobbies, clothes etc, as I’d be trying to bridge that gap and make sure they could still have nice things.

I think that makes the inequity worse. So these kids have nothing, or less, everywhere?

This all points to SIL (and IMO the daughter, as I see them both as responsible for these kids) not doing enough by the SC and allowing them to unnecessarily have less than their siblings, or less than they could.

Can you not just use your judgement?

Step grandchildren/nephlings that have been part of the family since they were little and do not have 2 sets of biological grandparents - treat them as your own as far as you can

Those that arrived as teens and have perfectly good family of their own - treat them like close friends’ grandkids.

Somewhere in the middle = somewhere in the middle

It’s an excellent point about fairness. The four children live full time in another household with other children who don’t go to private school. What about those children? Thats not fair.

And the hat of this couple breaks up? Relationships don’t always last - as illustrated by this family set up. Expecting step grandparents to pay school fees could backfire if the couple separated. Should OP spend tens of thousands of pounds every year on four kids who are not even remember her name is a few years?

OP shouldn’t be paying anyone’s tuition, clothes or hobbies, IMO.

If you can afford that for your kids great, do, if you can’t - don’t.

It might be because my parents couldn’t fund their grandkids education, but the whole idea is crazy to me. Why anyone beyond the parents of these kids is paying for anything is completely beyond me.

I have no plans to become a step parent, but if I became a step grandparent I would 100% treat them all equally. Inheritance wise, it would go to my adult children and if they wanted to split it equally between their children and step children they could.

I have a dad and a step dad. Funnily enough, I'm in my biological dad's will but he's cut out my sister.

My step dad has raised me and my 3 sisters since we were toddlers, had 1 child with my mum and all 4 of us are in his will. He treated all of us equally, he treats all his grandchildren equally, none of the grandchildren are in the will either, just us adults

In my family my parents pay for things like tutors, swimming lessons, private medical care, university savings. They also buy school shoes and uniforms.

This wouldn’t total as much as school fees but is probably several thousand every year.

if my sister remarried a man with four children I know she would never expect them to do that for four new children who have grandparents of their own.

is your argument if that happens my parents should stop supporting their grandchildren in this way? That seems punitive.

It isn't just the SC DM - their step dad doesn't work either. They are in a workless household of at least six children. They also have moneyed relatives of their own who decline to provide for them - perhaps because the also expect parents to work.

I don't see why it is the responsibility of the OP or her DD to fix that issue. The SiL should be involved obviously aand the DD should treat them well when they are ini the DD/SiL home but the SC have an extended family network of their own.

If the DD/SiL divorced its quite possible that the DD and OP would lose contact with them. I've lost count of the number of threads on here where step mothers are accused of over reach with their step children for very minor things and yet here we have a step mother and her DM expected to fund private schools for 4 SC living with a workless couple and their half siblings who could all disappear from their lives at any point. Its nuts.

It’s a point that deviates from the original thread, but I don’t believe grandparents should be buying school uniforms etc full stop.

You realise that if we were talking about someone with less money who was getting those things paid for, we’d tell them to pay for their own kids or don’t have kids they can’t afford? Well, I personally wouldn’t, but you see my point.

Like I said above, the idea that my parents would be buying uniforms or shoes, or paying for hobbies is just crazy to me. We pay for our own families and run our own homes(step kids included). My mum has done her paying for kids when we were kids. It’s not her responsibility.

I wouldn’t arrive at the point where my mother was paying for anything that could be seen as unfair to SC, or punitive to take it away, I don’t expect her to pay for anything.

I can’t actually imagine as a grown woman, how my mother would end up paying for my family. Like I said, alien idea.

It’s the responsibility of both the OP’s daughter and SIL to ensure their kids are paid for, and treated fairly. IMO that’s what you take on when you become part of a child’s family.

We’re getting my stepson back tomorrow - do I send my partner shopping to buy his food out of his own money. Not mine, not my responsibility to feed?

We’re going on holiday in May, do we need separate spending money - I’m not paying for his (our) holiday because he has his own mother?

I hope he’s bringing his own loo roll tomorrow, he won’t be using mine, in my house. He has his own house. Bloody kid.

Insanity. I can’t believe there are people living that separately and that selfishly.

@SleeplessInWherever

families are very different. It’s odd to think no grandparents should pay for school uniforms etc when that is the cultural norm for a lot of people. Where I am from grandparents buying school shoes is a thing. Also grandparents buying the first pram is quite normal.

my sister can afford these things herself, but my parents enjoy contributing. It’s their money to do with as they please - this gives them pleasure. And sure why not spend it now and see their grandchildren benefit rather than after they are gone😊.

But for you this is not something your parents to do and I therefore assume it’s not something. You will do for your grandchildren. And that’s fine too.

its strange though that a grandparent paying for things evokes such a very strong emotional response from you. I don’t have children and I have no issues at all with my parents paying for things for my neices. In fact I also enjoy going shopping with them and paying for things like sports equipment and brownies unforms. We are all different I guess😊

This is so far removed talking about loo roll and feeding a child.

This is just alien that a parent would not help even an adult child if they were struggling in some way and it was an option.

I can’t believe there are people living that separately and that selfishly.

The tradition in my family was that the granny bought the bairn's first kilt.

I have (had?*) a step-granddaughter and bought her first kilt. I did tweak it though. My first kilt was my granny's tartan. For the granddaughter, I bought a kilt in my late MIL's tartan, with DH's approval.

We didn't mention my family's tradition to the step-daughter, though - I didn't want to be seen as stepping on the granny's toes. (I'd already checked with DH that there was no such tradition on his first wife's side.)

(*They're no longer speaking to me.)

If as the previous thread suggests, it was a case of running out of inheritance that was paying for it, that’s not quite the same.

Also I would hardly call wanting to pay for private education struggling.

You may believe it is the responsibility of OP’s DD, but it isn’t. The only ones responsible for her stepchildren are their own parents. Marrying a parent doesn’t confer parental responsibility, or indeed financial responsibility. That may be something you choose to accept, and that’s obviously up to you, but that doesn’t oblige anyone else to do the same.

Not everyone is going to find your set up appealing, any more than you do theirs. That’s fine, the only one that needs to work for you is yours.

I’m not entirely sure that it is.

If you don’t accept responsibility for funding your SC’s education and hobbies, then I’m unsure where that ends. Why would some things be your “problem” and others not.

I don’t understand why caring for the child physically would be joint funded, but paying for private school is a biological child and DD only deal? They’re either in the family, or they’re not. 🤷🏻‍♀️

Well that’s entirely fair enough.

However I will never understand firstly why any parent would marry someone not interested in their child, or why you would marry someone with children if you had no intention of caring if they’re treated equally and fairly.