To want to cry at the cost

[Charltonstrek]

Dp has gone to his home country for his sons wedding which was arranged against my at this time against dp wishes dp wanted more time to arrange the money but the brides parent would not listen. It's a pakistani wedding so numerous events celebrations plus airline tickets and normal spending money.
I'm not well off I'm only working a few hours due to mental health etc and dp isn't on loads and we have ended up in some debt for this and to be honest I'm so depressed about it all he's there has another week and is almost out of money again I'm so fed up as I'm currently living on my overdraft and my dp won't have a wage for 2 weeks whrn he gets back.
I'm not sure what I wish to gain by posting here I really don't but I guess I just need some support to air it out so please go easy on me but I'm completely buggered up.

If this is the poster I'm thinking of, it's not as simple as "he's earning all the money" or "he's taking advantage". They are very much in a co-dependent relationship, she relies on him for mental health support, he's hard working but was struggling to get a decent job due in part to having no written English. Most of his money went towards supporting his adult children and extended family in Pakistan. OP had lots of people telling her this man is not good for her, but she seems entirely dependent on him emotionally.

So you don’t feel you can say no, and will continue to send him money you don’t have? Just….why??

Be careful as you possibly may be expected to contribute to parents on going costs if there are family events in the future. Perhaps you need to have a clear discussion with him as to what will be expected of him financially (and therefore you ) in the future. Parents health costs for hospital ? Funeral contributions etc you need to know clearly what financial expectations are placed upon him

I think the his vs hers money is a red herring. The problem is that as a household, they survive on one minimum wage salary + whatever UC OP gets. OP's partner sends a lot of this back to his family in Pakistan, leaving them in financial difficulties, and doesn't make any moves to manage their expectations in a culturally appropriate way. They don't operate as a partnership to make sure that they are taking care of their basic needs first.

I'm aware he gives her his wages but whatever he earns sounds very low. OP essentially only has symbolic control of their joint finances. It gives the illusion that there isn't any financial abuse when in reality he's clearly coercing OP to "come up" with money to fund completely ludicrous things.

He knows that she's in a better position to obtain a loan based on her citizenship and language fluency. He also knows that she will be 100% saddled with the debt as they are not married but seems perfectly fine with that. He knows that she cannot possibly earn the money back due to her health conditions but he is still exerting pressure for her to come up with cash. Sounds like textbook relationship scamming.

You have no more money to give, but as you keep "coming up" with some to give him, he has no idea how dire your circumstances are. If you truly can't have a hint of a spine to tell him the home truth (which isn't being cruel or withholding, btw: The truth isn't that.) then just show him the accounts. His family sounds horrible, by the way, and I wouldn't be able to bring myself to give them anything at this point, and I'm a people pleaser, but reality is reality. I'm sorry if this is harsh (I really do feel for you and I'm sending hugs and strength: Please make sure to hyderate and rest as much as possible) but if you were waiting to hit rock bottom to make a stand: Honey, the shovel broke, and you're stuck there until you start making moves to climb.

Is he the one who is a trained shoemaker with limited written English and was sending money to his family every month? You had advice last time, and it only seems to have got worse.

Another way to look at this is that the OPs Pakistani partner seems to be sunsidising her on an on-going basis as he's the higher earner and she works part-time, so he's spending his money to support her, not his family in Pakistan.

I don't think she should be going into debt to send money to him in Pakistan, but I don't think it's a case that he's conning her. Op has muliple health issues, doesn't own a property or have a council house, had a teenage son when they got together, and works part time.

So it seems that both partners are getting something out of this relationship . Among other things she is getting emotional support from him. I think if OP is determined to stay in this relationship the very least she should do is build up a pot to fund some of his future outgoings for his family as this will be expected of him for sure. He has out her in charge of the money and so she needs to be realistic about future expectations as that will not change

I hadn’t twigged that this is potentially the same poster. In which case, yes they’ve had advice and chosen not to take it.

OP has been the higher/only earner for most of the relationship in this case but has recently dropped their work hours due to MH. Please do call me a cynic, but this is coincident with their DP having an urgent expensive event and leaving the country.

Thank you for clarifying matters.

It’s called making your bed I’m afraid

Dh needs to get tougher I’m afraid. Every time he says he’s got no money, then he magics some up again when you send him more, perpetuates the myth that he’s lying.

He has to say that’s it and mean it.

Si why on earth did you give him money? If he couldnt afford to go too bad

You'll feel a lot better when you are rid of this leech.

So...OP's partner has bled her dry and now that she's no longer the higher earner, he's had to go home for a wedding.

She shouldn't send another penny.

OP, do you have a key worker, a mh nurse? Can you contact Women's Aid? Have you done the Freedom Programme? The time is now, while he's away.

I do hope your partner isn't expecting you to take up the financial slack so that he can spend out on his adult son's wedding, who is nothing to do with you? Are you just paying more of your day to day expenses because your partner has prioritised this wedding over paying his share of the bills, or is he expecting you to actually put your own money towards this as well?

OP has been the higher/only earner for most of the relationship in this case but has recently dropped their work hours due to MH.

Then hopefully she can get back to just supporting herself which will probably be cheaper/easier than being with him, sending money to his family & trying to finance excursions with non existent money.

This is really difficult for you and feeling out of control will be aggravating both you mental and physical health. Do you have any strategies for trying to calm yourself down and break the cycle of panic?
Focus on some positives, you have the rent money, that matters most.
This may be a wake up call to be less vulnerable in the future to unplanned expenses. You say he leaves you to control the finances but does he check there is money before sending it to his family? If not you have responsibility without control which is a recipe for stress. He needs to understand that there is a finite amount after bills and anything he sends home means something needs to be sacrificed that month.
It mght be worth you getting a benefit check at CAB, to check you are getting all you should and to get help with applying for PIP.
In the immediate you may have to budget cleverly for a few weeks, live out of freezer and cupboards.

I'd suggest your MH issues OP come from this man and his cocklodging. Remove that and you'll likely find that your MH improves overnight....

OP - you said it yourself Because I deal with all finances. You need to deal with it and give within your means.

His family in Pakistan are treating you and your DP as a cash cow, keep asking for money, and it keeps coming, no wonder they think you have lots. I doubt this arrangement works the other way so you both need to look after yourselves first and foremost.

You and your DP have to sit down and budget properly point forward for how much money his family get.

OP, I strongly advise you to become financially independent, so that you only have to manage your own finances. You shouldn't be managing anyone else’s. All adults have to take responsibility for themselves.

You’re clearly struggling to manage finances because your DP is living beyond his means. You should not be getting into debt paying for things for him that he can’t afford. It doesn’t matter what demands are being put on him. That’s for him to deal with.

I suggest you read up on financial abuse and seek help, e.g. from Surviving Economic Abuse. https://survivingeconomicabuse.org/i-need-help/

Thanks for all the advice I've her busy sorry. Yes I'm too much for wanting to help out unfortunately at my own peril.
I know many of you are asking me to check if I can claim benefits but I'm entitled to nothing my wage and dps as a couple without children earn too much I was refused pip few years back but have more problems diagnosed since then because I sort of function I seem okay but I'm struggling badly.

I'm too much for wanting to help out unfortunately at my own peril leads me to believe that you see yourself as a victim, @Charltonstrek?

And you've had support and empathy. But over the years you've been posting and the issues you've raised... your actions and inactions: gently, won't you agree that there is more in your control if you'd only take some constructive criticism and deal with the real issues and not the red herrings?