To want to cry at the cost

[Charltonstrek]

Dp has gone to his home country for his sons wedding which was arranged against my at this time against dp wishes dp wanted more time to arrange the money but the brides parent would not listen. It's a pakistani wedding so numerous events celebrations plus airline tickets and normal spending money.
I'm not well off I'm only working a few hours due to mental health etc and dp isn't on loads and we have ended up in some debt for this and to be honest I'm so depressed about it all he's there has another week and is almost out of money again I'm so fed up as I'm currently living on my overdraft and my dp won't have a wage for 2 weeks whrn he gets back.
I'm not sure what I wish to gain by posting here I really don't but I guess I just need some support to air it out so please go easy on me but I'm completely buggered up.

It hasn't been like that but I've told him that I want to recover my finances when he's back so I'm keeping most of my money to save up again as I've used money that was mine

Stop topping him up with money! He's surrounded by family, he couldn't be better situated to get help if he needs extra funds.

You're putting yourself in debt and getting stressed about it. Take control and say to him "there's no more money you'll have to make do on what I've already sent you" and mean it.

If he wants to play Billy Big Bollocks in front of his family let him, but don't send him another penny.

He can ask them to lend him some money, that'll bring him down a peg or 2 when they realise he's only there by the grace of a lowly woman subbing him.

It sounds as if you have done enough so stop sending money. He shouldn’t have gone if he couldn’t afford it. I would be wondering what he was spending money on as I would have expected it to be cheaper to exist there than here.

Is this a happy relationship because I would hazard a guess that he does whatever and you go along with it from what you’ve said.

I think things probably seem worse due to your mental health. Make sure he's aware that when he returns he will need to work overtime or take on a second job to make up the loss and build up a bit of a safety net for things like this in the future as it will happen again when it's a cultural thing.

But if you hardly work how can you give him more money?

Is it possible a marriage has been arranged for him?
Stop funding him. Completely. Forever. He'll disappear like a puff of smoke.
You are not a priority for him.
Do you have parents or friends? Try to get some real life support for the changes you need to make.

Look don't send him any more money. Theres none left, his family will have to sub him.

Stop wallowing. Tell him there's none left

9 years, you’ve never met his family and you’re not at his son’s wedding. Are you very sure he’s not still married to his DS mother?

How long has he been gone for?

Stop sending him money right now and take a very careful look at your relationship.

He will be subbing family it’s a very Asian thing and I mean all sorts of Asians, it’s very much the norm, plus just video call? Call me a cynic but he may have a wife back in Pakistan. Does none of his family live here at all? My Pakistani friends are like me second Gen so their families live here and they were born here.

I don't know what can be done now but I would imagine there would be a number of weddings he has to go to in the future. Maybe start saving now in a separate account like some people plan for holidays/Christmas etc?

This is a completely unhealthy relationship.
If you're not married (and even if you are ) I'd seriously consider ending the relationship.

This is no way to treat someone and you deserve better.

Stop sending him money that you don't have. This is completely insane. His son's wedding and his family's demands are not your problem. Why on earth would you get into debt for this? Guaranteed he wouldn't do the same for you.

Make sure that all the debt is in his name, but beyond that this is culture clash, and it is something to suck up, I'm also in a mixed marriage...

Honestly I’m baffled as to why you’ve taken out credit card debt for a wedding you’re not even attending for family you’ve never met. Has he taken out more debt or just you? Why are you sending him money when you can’t afford food for yourself? Do you feel like you can say no to him? Why do you both prioritise his wants over your basic needs? Im sure it’s harder with your MH to realise you don’t deserve to be taken advantage of like this but His child getting married can’t have been a shock, if he knew he had to pay he should have been putting money aside months or even years before. How has it become your problem. Say no.

This will happen every time there is a family wedding or other event.

I’m sorry you are in this position. I think you need to remind yourself with every new request coming that you’ve been very generous but that’s it now. You can not keep giving money you don’t have. You can’t undo what’s happened already, but you can stop it from getting worse.

If you haven't already, please move what you owe onto a 0% credit card. There are some good offers on just not for quite long periods of 0% and keep moving the balances when the offer runs out onto another 0% card until everything is paid off. At least that way you're not incurring interest charges too.

You have my sympathy, it's not an easy situation regardless of how debt was accrued. I hope your partner gives you an amount of money per month to put towards paying it off.

It doesn’t sound like you have a mortgage. Is the rent in your name, his or shared? My advice is to send him no more money and get out of this controlling relationship

So he gets to fly back to Pakistan and flash the cash for his son’s wedding. Not his cash, your cash. You are not married and you are not included in this family celebration. For which you are getting into debt for.

Where is his wife/mother of his ds in all of this?

Will he be working overtime to clear his debt that you have built up in your name?

He knows he's taking the piss - it is culturally inappropriate to take your wife/female partner's money.

(And that's not going into the family approval/being unmarried and white side of things.)

Did you try to go or did he persuade you not to? I suspect he is married and has a wife or a new marriage planned in Pakistan.

As he's just gone through a couple of grand I don't think that's unreasonable

I highly doubt the OP will be off on an expensive holiday. She's got an overdraft to pay back

Indian/Pakistani weddings are expensive and he's father of the groom!

They couldn't afford it!

Why assume there's another wife?