To want to cry at the cost

[Charltonstrek]

Dp has gone to his home country for his sons wedding which was arranged against my at this time against dp wishes dp wanted more time to arrange the money but the brides parent would not listen. It's a pakistani wedding so numerous events celebrations plus airline tickets and normal spending money.
I'm not well off I'm only working a few hours due to mental health etc and dp isn't on loads and we have ended up in some debt for this and to be honest I'm so depressed about it all he's there has another week and is almost out of money again I'm so fed up as I'm currently living on my overdraft and my dp won't have a wage for 2 weeks whrn he gets back.
I'm not sure what I wish to gain by posting here I really don't but I guess I just need some support to air it out so please go easy on me but I'm completely buggered up.

I have to agree with this, op you are lying on the floor and he is mistaking you for a doormat and walking all over you.
You have to stop letting him do this.

Is this money he used his money or yours. I don't subscribe to the MN theory of all money being communal.

For a different perspective, you both rent. You may be the lower earner by sounds of it suggesting that when big expenses like weddings aren’t in the equation you both manage not too bad with him contributing more and you being given full control of the joint pot. If that’s right. He gives you his £s, tried to get more time to save, and is also going to suffer the debt hangover when he is back.
Just my view but he didn’t ask to be in this position either. His DC have lost their Mum. Cultural pressure sounds massive. Also if he has been covering some of your share too, that could’ve been £s he saved for kids weddings.
Why not pull together and address the debt together when he’s back? Be a bit lousy to say what’s yours is mine and what’s mine is mine. Joint pot when it’s favourable, separate when not.
You don’t need to lay into him but instead could sit down and outline the impact the situation has had and that you both need to work rest of year to clear it. If not go 50-50 on everything herein and keep your own £s and don’t touch his wage.
On plus side divorce is rare there and only 3 more to go!

You've posted before that your DP is an asylum seeker. Not that I have an issue with that, but how does going home to visit, work?

You've also posted that you spend almost £1k on your 24 year old DC at Christmas. So not all money issues are on other people, clearly @Charltonstrek

To be fair if he passes his wage on to her and she’s the one who does all the budgeting then it becomes communal.

@Charltonstrek this is coming from someone in a multicultural family which includes family members in Pakistan (and elsewhere)...

His son's wedding is not any of your responsibility. He is responsible for fulfilling his cultural obligations, commitments and preferences to his family members, not you. He sounds like a bit of a man-child if he can't manage and take responsibility for finances as a joint and equal partner, tbh. An adult man really should be able to manage a budget and establish boundaries.

Do not compromise your own financial security for him. If he's a DP rather than a DH, you have no financial security and fewer rights (legally and in some respects culturally) than if you were married, so you need to look out for yourself and your DS. Separate out the finances, tell your DP he needs to step up and manage things more responsibly - if he can't do that, then you probably need to decide whether you want to continue this mess or walk away. Personally, I'd find it really unattractive if a grown man needed me to manage his finances for him due to laziness, incompetence or both.

You need to tell him there's no money left. Screenshot the bank balance and send him a picture if necessary. Money is not infinite and he needs to learn that. If you're going to struggle to pay essential bills next month, he can't get more money for parties and will just have to cope with what he's got. It might be a bit socially embarrassing for him but social embarrassment is preferable to homelessness.

The OP has said clearly on a number of occasions that she is not sending him her money, she is sending him their money, the majority of which he earns.

£1k on 1 person for Christmas? Wow. I think maybe a family budgeting overhaul is due.

You can. And you can stop being such a wet blanket, as well.

I would take advice from Drivingbuttercup1, she has both experience and cultural insight. Protect yourself but try not to lose your partner who only try to do things right by everyone but ended up being fleeced.

@Charltonstrek - so you clearly say you intend to keep borrowing and sending money.

From what you said in your OP, you just wanted to air this out and get some support on here. I think you've had both, but of course people are going to say that the situation is self perpetuating and must stop. And you say you are unwilling or unable to stop. So I'm not sure this has helped you at all - what do you think?

To be fair to the partner here, the water has been muddied by the OP stating that the partner actually sends her his entire wage, so if he needs something out of his own money, he actually does have to ask her for money. On top of that, she states that he is the higher earner and she is actually reliant on his money to help pay the bills. So it isn’t quite as simple as the partner scrounging all her money - it actually sounds like he contributes more than she does, financially speaking, and a lot of the money she’s sending him is actually his money that he gave to her when he got paid.

However OP, that doesn’t change the fact that you individually, he individually, and you both together as a couple, don’t have enough money to fund this trip. It also sounds like in general you are struggling to make ends meet. I think you both need to reevaluate how you deal with your finances going forward, if you plan to stay with him. Culturally, this is likely not the last time he will be expected to send money home/pay for things for family, so it really isn’t a good idea for him to give all of his money to you going forward, as that’s when you’ll end up in another muddied waters situation like this where you are having to use your own money to top up his. He should have his own separate savings account to deal with his family things, completely separate of you and your money. You both need to look at your financial responsibilities as a couple e.g. rent, bills etc. and work out if you can afford these without him needing to send you everything, so he can keep a bit back for his family savings. That goes for you too - you both should be entitled to have your own personal savings pot, outside of each other, especially when you’re not married. If you’re not able to do this, you both need to look at further financial support that may be available to you, he could look at trying to find a better paying job, you could look at any benefits or help you might be entitled to due to your health issues, anything at all that would put you both in better financial standing. The current situation isn’t working, and while it’s obviously incredibly stressful, the only way you’re going to be able to get out of it is to tackle it head on.

Is your ‘mental health’ really so bad that you can only work a few hours?

what is your diagnosis and are you getting help?

Why do so many women set the bar so low?
Isn’t it better to be single than be in a relationship like this?

What is in this relationship for you?
I would leave. No way would I be getting into debt for his family abroad.

I know that I'm better when I'm working - even though I moan about it!

In the spring and summer, working in my garden helps a lot, but I admit that earning money gives me more confidence. (I retired at 58 for family reasons.)

The more I think about the OP's situation, the more that I think she's been suckered.

I've met some very good friends online and two of those married after meeting online - but they were in the UK and were able to meet many times before tying the knot.

I just feel that the OP is being financially abused.

She said earlier in the thread.

Are you the poster with the barely literate Pakistani DP who was struggling to find even a minimum wage job and was constantly sending money over to his family back home? If you are, I'm sorry to hear things haven't improved for you at all.

Oh, God. That one. OP how many hundreds of responses do you need before you put your son first?

All I can say is I am sorry but this will pass and you'll get by somehow, we always do. It was important for him to go to his son's wedding. Don't let it get you down, use the time to look after yourself. x

Yeah all of this tbh.

Has the actual wedding happened yet? If so, can he change flights, come back sooner and get back to work sooner? After all this is over, you need to put a stop to him sending money home unless he's prepared to do overtime. You should try applying for PIP.

Why is everyone saying he is using her for money, it it because he is Pakistani? My reading of this is that he is the main earner, the OP earns a pittance but she decided where both their money goes? If he is the main earner and he is paying for op then how is he the user? The issue seems to be that neither of them are budgeting not that he is a user of a rich western woman given OP is poorer than he is?

OP, as long as you are sending money, they will keep asking. I suspect your DP has just handed over all your money to his family for the wedding which is growing bells and whistles daily.

It has to stop. They will not care that you are in debt and cannot afford the bills. Please get help with the debt, draw up a proper budget and agree only a pre defined % (that you can afford) goes back to Pakistan.

Right now you are a walking talking, never stop giving, cash point.

You shouldn’t have to pay towards his trip. I know it’s his son and I expect he really wanted to be there but if he couldn’t afford it he should have just joined by video link. I mean, I’d love to go on a cruise but that’s not going to happen!

This is causing you so much stress and that’s unfair, the debts could take months/years to clear. Might you be better off walking away?