To want to cry at the cost

[Charltonstrek]

Dp has gone to his home country for his sons wedding which was arranged against my at this time against dp wishes dp wanted more time to arrange the money but the brides parent would not listen. It's a pakistani wedding so numerous events celebrations plus airline tickets and normal spending money.
I'm not well off I'm only working a few hours due to mental health etc and dp isn't on loads and we have ended up in some debt for this and to be honest I'm so depressed about it all he's there has another week and is almost out of money again I'm so fed up as I'm currently living on my overdraft and my dp won't have a wage for 2 weeks whrn he gets back.
I'm not sure what I wish to gain by posting here I really don't but I guess I just need some support to air it out so please go easy on me but I'm completely buggered up.

Superb advice from someone who knows.

OP please listen to this poster.

Exactly, I suspect an underlying racial bias is at play here.

It seems very few have bothered to stop and consider it’s the DP who is the main earner in this relationship and the OP is using her depression as a reason not to work.

He's the main earner but she's the one who's had to take out loans and a cc?

You clearly have a bias against disabled people, not a good look either tbh.

I remember your previous threads OP. There's not a lot of advice that we can give you which hasn't been given already. The power is in your hands here - I just wish you could see that.

She didn’t “have” to take anything out. She’s a person of her own free will, she could have said no!

I am not biased against disabled people, however I believe as do many others that depression is not a reason to not work. And I know ADHD isn’t a barrier as i said earlier because I was diagnosed 2 years ago and yet have still been able to hold plenty of jobs down during my adult life and have worked in a permanent position in the NHS for the last 8 years who, by the way, are fully aware of my diagnosis.

This

also op is in control of all the money. The partner has to ask.

not the bit about using her depression, I wouldn’t say that

If you don't think it's problematic that a man expects his wife to fund his overseas jaunt to his child's wedding, and keep blithely spending despite his wife's severe cashflow problems and mental health difficulties, and refuses to talk to her about it while he's out there, then we can't help you I'm afraid.

And his being Pakistani is very relevant, because it's a conservative and highly patriarchal culture and so the expectation of father funding lavish weddings as part of a patriarchal honour system is very entrenched, and does not mix well with the more egalitarian expectations that western women have.

Ironically many women in conservative cultures recognise the ways that conservative patriarchy harms women. I am from such a culture myself and my grandmother would always tell me never to marry a man from my own culture because he would expect me to be little more than a housemaid and nanny whilst he lived the life of riley. She wanted me to marry a western man, on the basis that I'd have a better chance of entering an egalitarian partnership.

Sadly he will either not have told them that a mere woman is subsidising him or he has told them but they think that's what women are there for and he should be supporting them. When he returns you need to keep all your money separate, if he wants to do the subsidising the elders thing then let him do it, once he's paid his share of your joint living expenses.

She is very clearly a vulnerable person, you don't even need to read between the lines, feeling suicidal because she feels she's had to give money to her partner, being coerced by his circumstances is not the actions of someone fully informed of the choice made.

Who are you to decide op can work more hours? You have absolutely no insight to her life and her conditions.
Just because you have ADHD doesn't mean everyone else has the same experience or capability as you, to assume so is ridiculous and to even write that is abelist and discriminatory.

And whose money will be used to pay back that debt? Given the OP earns sweet FA of it and her dp gives all of his money to the OP chances are it will be his money paying it back. The problem is with the budgeting for this event. If op cannot correctly budget then she needs to tell her dh and start handing her money to him and let him do the family budget.

I don't think that this is necessarily a cultural issue, tbh. The OP is not married to him and is frankly silly to be getting into debt to keep sending him money. Even if they were both white/British, the same situation could arise - i.e. he has to pay towards his sons wedding, can't afford it, is getting them both into debt to do so. It's more a case of a woman allowing herself (and presumably her son depending on his age) to be disadvantaged by the man that she loves.

THIS

I don't know if you are foolish or just very kind, OP but this Man is taking You for a total Mug
Not even YOUR Son or YOUR wedding!
I'd show him the kerb when he does come Home, to be Honest.

It sounds like he had no choice really, these things are awful when they come up especially as you don’t get to experience what your money is going towards. Hope you catch a break op

How do you think the op will fare in this situation? She earns a pittance, he earns the most. If he were insisting she pay her 50% of the bills and then they both keep what's left of their own money people would be calling him financially abusive because he would have more than her at the end of it. The op says herself that she relies on his money.

Contrary to most posters, my two cents:

• He's not financially abusing her, he literally gives her all his wages. So that makes her money the joint money for the household

• OP needs him to support herself since she only works a few hours. So she could be in for the convenience (of not needing to work more) and may be the reason of why she hasn't left.

• OP refers to her savings. Does it mean her wages are to herself to save and his money is joint money? That wouldn't be fair. It should be both depositing wages into joint account, pay bills and rest is joint savings.

• He didn't ask her to go into debt to send him money, she could have just said no and that's it. The most important were the flights and those were already paid. You should never go into debt for something as frivolous as a wedding party, not essential, not life and death situation.

• He likely does still have a wife in Pakistan

• This won't be the first time he will spend. Cultural practice dictates that he has to support his parents and probably even younger brothers.

• Those types of countries (middle east, South Asian and even Latin American countries) believe that people in major countries are rich just for the fact of living there, almost as if the money grows on trees. If you don't agree with this, which is understandably hard, you should separate. There's no future with such different economic views. Both my DH and I are from those countries (different countries each) but we always discuss the money our family back home requests and agree on an amount together.

You know what? You're right. OP 'could not correctly budget' for a massive event being staged for the benefit of people she does not know, in a faraway country whose culture is vastly different to the one she knows. Silly little woman! Absolutely she should hand all her money over to her Husband to manage - men have bigger brains after all, and aren't governed by volatile emotions as the weaker sex is. The Husband should rule his Household as a King rules his Realm.

Silly, fanciful, capricious little women! What are they like eh? They'll be wanting the vote next!

PS - are you by any chance the resurrected ghost of Scottish theologian John Knox? Because if so I have an idea for the title of your next book.

This is great advise to You OP

If you’re struggling for money so badly, you should work more hours. It will help with feeling less “useless” as you say, and give you your own money and a sense of control. I know you say you are ill, but if you don’t qualify for PIP you have to work - it’s the same for everyone.

He's either a user or horribly irresponsible, or both. He's an adult old enough to have a child of marrying age. He must know enough about finances to know that you can't afford this, much less continual top-ups. I get that it must be uncomfortable when his family and friends from another culture and living in a poorer country assume that he has more resources than he has, but that's not an excuse. He needs to spell it all out plainly, and if they refuse to believe it, they can just think what they like. But if he/you don't have the money, you don't have it. Going into further debt for this wedding would be stupid. You need to start putting yourself first.

Will more of his children likely be marrying, in years to come, or are the others already married? If more marry, will there be a repeat of this situation? What about when/if his children have babies? Will that be cause for more spending? It's all fine to say that it's cultural, but only if he can afford to pay for it himself. I'd be laying down some boundaries around money and leaving him if it looks like he's happy being a drain on your resources.

Well no this woman in particular hasn't budgeted correctly. Lots of women do. It's wild that your mind went straight to 'all women can't budget' rather than presuming my post was about the woman in this thread who clearly hasn't budgeted.

I'm not sure why you are so angry but feel better soon ✌️

That's how it comes across.

His money is shared with his family, OP's money now has to go to them too. That's how its coming across.

Do his parents know you live together OP?

He sounds like a freeloader to me.

Are you sure it isn't his own wedding he's going to ? Ma & Pa may have found him a nice Pakistani girl and told him to "settle down" again.

Next thing he'll be back in Pakistan permanently expecting you to sub him.🙄

PIP is not a work related benefit.

Yeah, it's madness. Not even your adult child.