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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to cry at the cost

206 replies

Charltonstrek · 13/04/2025 10:29

Dp has gone to his home country for his sons wedding which was arranged against my at this time against dp wishes dp wanted more time to arrange the money but the brides parent would not listen. It's a pakistani wedding so numerous events celebrations plus airline tickets and normal spending money.
I'm not well off I'm only working a few hours due to mental health etc and dp isn't on loads and we have ended up in some debt for this and to be honest I'm so depressed about it all he's there has another week and is almost out of money again I'm so fed up as I'm currently living on my overdraft and my dp won't have a wage for 2 weeks whrn he gets back.
I'm not sure what I wish to gain by posting here I really don't but I guess I just need some support to air it out so please go easy on me but I'm completely buggered up.

OP posts:
Newmeagain · 13/04/2025 12:15

Honestly, these kind of posts make me so depressed. OP - get out of this relationship, get a proper job - everything will be better.

Original poster
Charltonstrek · 13/04/2025 12:15

LivingwithHopenowandforever · 13/04/2025 12:02

OP, I am concerned for you in the situation you have found yourself in. This will be weighing on you massively and you really do need to get a hold of your situation. Your Credit Card Debt needs to be moved to a 0% card so you can pay off the debt without incurring charges. Do not make any rash decisions as you need your Partner on side to ensure he pays all of the debts that he is responsible for. You can apply for PIP and get some financial assistance along with help from Access to Work to help you while working. Pls look at these and get some additional help.

I do need you to understand something about Asian families. His responsibilities will not end just because he is in the UK & with you. Being a son he will always be expected to send money back home, there will always be ‘something’ that he will have to pay for. For example his son’s wedding, there are all sorts of traditions he will need money for. Meeting his daughter in law he will have to give her money as a gift etc. I do feel that you actually don’t know what you have signed up for being with an Asian man & I really do feel for you.

Can I ask how you 2 met & got together? Is his ex wife in the UK? How many children does he have? Where does his son & other children if he has any live full time? Is he actually divorced officially from his wife?

Sorry for all the questions but it would help build a picture of his background and where you fit in, in all of this.

His wife died many years ago his children he has 4 are all grown up living in pakistan and scraping by for a living me and dp met online. Has for support in the way of pip etc I can only wish I could get it but I doubt it very much.
I have asd adhd depression, gastric issues that knock me about, skin picking disorder high blood pressure diabetes underactive thyroid I actually have been having thoughts of suicide as I feel so useless.

OP posts:
0ohLarLar · 13/04/2025 12:17

Oh and the only answer op - don't provide access to any more money and block any shared credit so he can't run up more debt in both your names.

To be honest, I'd run a mile. As a PP said he will always be expected to pass any money he does make back to the wider family and he'll use your money to do that too.

0ohLarLar · 13/04/2025 12:17

What does he do for a job in the UK op? Does he pay his fair share of your household bills?

Are you certain his former wife is dead? I'd say there's a decent chance she isn't, sadly.

Shadesofscarlett · 13/04/2025 12:19

what are his plans to repay you the hundreds you have given him?

Trumptonagain · 13/04/2025 12:21

Charltonstrek · 13/04/2025 11:02

Yes both really as he does earn but it's gone way way over what we thought and now I have flight money owed to PayPal of £800 plus £1000 on credit card money transfer I know I know and I'm £500 in overdraft.

Show quote history

Assuming he is your partner and not your husband why is the flight money your problem if you didnt attend the wedding?

Original poster
Charltonstrek · 13/04/2025 12:22

0ohLarLar · 13/04/2025 12:17

What does he do for a job in the UK op? Does he pay his fair share of your household bills?

Are you certain his former wife is dead? I'd say there's a decent chance she isn't, sadly.

Edited

He's in manufacturing yes he does give me full control of his wage so he is contributing but we didn't have enough saved for the wedding didn't have enough time.

OP posts:
Original poster
Charltonstrek · 13/04/2025 12:22

Trumptonagain · 13/04/2025 12:21

Assuming he is your partner and not your husband why is the flight money your problem if you didnt attend the wedding?

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Because I deal with all finances

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 13/04/2025 12:23

Charltonstrek · 13/04/2025 11:58

The people out there seem to think he has money as he's in the UK they are stuck on that way of thinking. They make snide remarks that he's chilling and enjoying his life and isn't helping anybody. They think he's lying if he says he doesn't have money

Not your problem. Make sure he pays you back when he gets home. Then it might be a good idea to reconsider the relationship. Do you normally depend on his money because your own income is limited?

WearyAuldWumman · 13/04/2025 12:24

Charltonstrek · 13/04/2025 11:58

The people out there seem to think he has money as he's in the UK they are stuck on that way of thinking. They make snide remarks that he's chilling and enjoying his life and isn't helping anybody. They think he's lying if he says he doesn't have money

This isn't an uncommon problem.

Our relatives in Eastern Europe thought that my dad was living in the land of milk and honey. Dad was a coalminer... He retired in the 1980s. His take-home pay was about £80 a week. (No, not a big wage even then.)

The problem is that they folk in certain countries abroad often can't get their head round the difference in the cost of living.

Original poster
Charltonstrek · 13/04/2025 12:25

ilovesooty · 13/04/2025 12:23

Not your problem. Make sure he pays you back when he gets home. Then it might be a good idea to reconsider the relationship. Do you normally depend on his money because your own income is limited?

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Well yes I do depend on his income but his relatives are always asking for help which gets very tiresome

OP posts:
EuclidianGeometryFan · 13/04/2025 12:25

Charltonstrek · 13/04/2025 11:49

I actually deal with all the finances bills everything he leaves me to it even his own wage not sure if that changes anything.

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Okay, this is good news, as it puts you in more control.
So take control.

Do you have a joint account?
Does he put all his pay into the joint account?
If he wants you to deal with all the finances, these are absolute requirements. You can't manage his money for him if you don't have access to it.

My exDP left me to "look after the money" by just giving me his all wages each week (paid weekly in cash back then). What this meant in practice was he expected me to then hand him back money for all sorts of stuff, whenever he wanted. He wanted to go out for the evening - looked at me for money. Wanted to get some fancy new clothes - looked at me for the money.
He had actually no clue what the bills and rent and shopping cost, he just expected me to perform miracles with money and give him spending cash like I was his mum. Needless to say, the relationship didn't last.

Assuming you want the relationship to continue, you have to do two things:
First, make a budget and a plan to get out of debt. Get help with this if you need - google 'help with debts'.
Second, tell him loud and clear that the spending has to stop, that you and he are now living as cheaply as possible until all debts are cleared. Don't let him persuade you to over-spend again.

Trumptonagain · 13/04/2025 12:26

Charltonstrek · 13/04/2025 12:22

Because I deal with all finances

Show quote history

So you've paid it by choice.

And have chosen to continue to send money putting yourself in debt.

WearyAuldWumman · 13/04/2025 12:26

Drivingbuttercup1 · 13/04/2025 11:59

Hi op,im married to a pakistani man, but i am also of pakistani heritage born British. My husband has family in pakistan but I do not pay a penny towards them, but why would I, I have no responsibility towards them. Your husband has responsibility towards you too. For us our 'own' family always comes first and dp pays towards all bills etc and anything left over is his to spend on whatever he wants, if he wants to send it to his parents, then he is free to do so. Others have had terrible experiences and break down in marriages over this. I say this to you kindly, but whatever you send, it is never enough, you won't get any thanks, because they don't see it as you sending it. Stop now and manage you finances better. My Dp is quite strict with his money, and will straight up say no when he doesn't have it. I know alot of men don't.

Yup.

An Eastern European uncle through marriage sent letters asking my dad to pay off his gambling debts for him. Dad sent back a letter of refusal.

(He and my aunt later sold Dad's inheritance behind his back.)

Shadesofscarlett · 13/04/2025 12:26

dealing with all the finances does not equate to you giving him shedloads of money you literally do not have.

TiredCatLady · 13/04/2025 12:27

Again, you met online (was he still in Pakistan when you met?), who did he leave his children with if he has four of them? Together 9 years and you’ve only met his family online?
I’m sorry OP but I think you’re being had.

Original poster
Charltonstrek · 13/04/2025 12:28

Trumptonagain · 13/04/2025 12:26

So you've paid it by choice.

And have chosen to continue to send money putting yourself in debt.

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He has over a week to go so I'm not sure what to do it weighs heavily on my mind when somebody in a situation I'm always looking at other people rather than myself not sure why

OP posts:
WearyAuldWumman · 13/04/2025 12:28

Charltonstrek · 13/04/2025 12:15

His wife died many years ago his children he has 4 are all grown up living in pakistan and scraping by for a living me and dp met online. Has for support in the way of pip etc I can only wish I could get it but I doubt it very much.
I have asd adhd depression, gastric issues that knock me about, skin picking disorder high blood pressure diabetes underactive thyroid I actually have been having thoughts of suicide as I feel so useless.

Show quote history

Oh, FFS. He saw you coming.

Don't give him another penny. He'll be looking for money for the other three next.

ilovesooty · 13/04/2025 12:29

You don't have to do anything apart from tell him there is no money to send.

Original poster
Charltonstrek · 13/04/2025 12:30

ilovesooty · 13/04/2025 12:29

You don't have to do anything apart from tell him there is no money to send.

I wish I was tough enough to do this I actually want to lay into him about where has all the money gone

OP posts:
ilovesooty · 13/04/2025 12:31

WearyAuldWumman · 13/04/2025 12:28

Oh, FFS. He saw you coming.

Don't give him another penny. He'll be looking for money for the other three next.

Show quote history

And then it will be sending money to support his elderly relatives.

@Charltonstrek even if you do depend on his wages, once he's paid you back you might well be better off getting rid of him.

WearyAuldWumman · 13/04/2025 12:32

Charltonstrek · 13/04/2025 12:30

I wish I was tough enough to do this I actually want to lay into him about where has all the money gone

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You cannot send money that you don't have.

You do NOT have money. You only have debt. You cannot incur any more.

Lassie, in your place I'd be telling him to stay in Pakistan.

ilovesooty · 13/04/2025 12:33

Charltonstrek · 13/04/2025 12:30

I wish I was tough enough to do this I actually want to lay into him about where has all the money gone

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Just email him and tell him that there's no more money. Asking about what he's already spent will be pointless.

Silvertulips · 13/04/2025 12:36

You could try food banks.

You could also try and claim UC

Sell things?

He has 4 grown children - is this the first to get married, are there more wedding coming up?

BlondiePortz · 13/04/2025 12:36

Charltonstrek · 13/04/2025 12:30

I wish I was tough enough to do this I actually want to lay into him about where has all the money gone

Show quote history

It was your chose to give him money you dont have so stop that is not on him but you, yes this is harsh but another person can't do all your thinking for you