To want to cry at the cost

[Charltonstrek]

Dp has gone to his home country for his sons wedding which was arranged against my at this time against dp wishes dp wanted more time to arrange the money but the brides parent would not listen. It's a pakistani wedding so numerous events celebrations plus airline tickets and normal spending money.
I'm not well off I'm only working a few hours due to mental health etc and dp isn't on loads and we have ended up in some debt for this and to be honest I'm so depressed about it all he's there has another week and is almost out of money again I'm so fed up as I'm currently living on my overdraft and my dp won't have a wage for 2 weeks whrn he gets back.
I'm not sure what I wish to gain by posting here I really don't but I guess I just need some support to air it out so please go easy on me but I'm completely buggered up.

How much has he had in total @Charltonstrek?

Aren't his children adults?

You are not married and are in control of finances, so why have you gone into debt for this wedding? Why didn't he get a credit card and put everything on it in his name?

I think you need to get some self worth to be able to stand up for yourself and help from step change to manage your finances better in future. Im not understanding why you would get yourself deeper into debt, surely he knows what money there is (or rather isnt) and what he had was ALL there was.

No wife in Pakistan, & not sending money home regularly? That is extremely unusual. Use the time he's away to have a good poke around, I expect there'll be a second set of finances (most likely rental income from property you don't know about) funding a wife & family back home.

OP I mean this kindly - you are clearly very vulnerable. Do you have people in real life who can talk you through this and support you emotionally? I think you need it.

short term whilst he is away when he asks for money or hints you just have to be clear YOU are in debt already and can’t do anything further, there is simply no more money.

more generally you need to think about the future of this relationship. If this is the first of 4 kids to marry how on earth would you cope with that? You should absolutely not be going short on essentials to prop up a wedding you aren’t even invited to.

I'm so sorry that you are going through all this. Do you have a Citizen's Advice Bureau near you? You can get free advice there about the law, debt management, housing and the implications of ending this relationship.

Have you seen your GP lately? Does s/he know the details of your challenging life? Perhaps some medication might give you some help to deal with your current situation.
Good luck and best wishes, going forward.

Your partner sounds like a complete liability when it comes to money I think you need to separate from him in some way or get very tough about money!

This is a small scale solution to free up money, but how are you converting the GBP to PKR? Hope it's with a international bank service like Revolut or Wise, and not something that charges massive fees.

What about your DS ? All this is very unfair on him, having a mother getting into debt for her boyfriend's family.

They are using you to finance things they cannot afford.

Just turn off the money tap and repeat 'there is no more money' ad infinitum.

You are vulnerable and need to look after yourself first.

OP, what's so hard about saying, by email "sorry, there is no money left. None in the bank, no one will loan me any more, the money is gone". What's the worst he's going to do? He can't physically hurt you, he can't drag you to a bank and physically force you to take money out - he's thousands of miles away! You are in complete control here - all you have to do is NOT send the money, that's it - you don't have to tell him you're not sending it, if you find that hard. The main thing is to just NOT send it - which must be easier for you than the faff of sending it surely? Because you literally just need to do nothing.

If he directly asks for money, and you really can't bring yourself to say no, then just be vague "it should get to you soon" or whatever, then eventually just blame it on the bank/credit card company for refusing you any more overdraft (which they might anyway).

Why the hell are you in debt for this. That's the whole point of not being married...it isn't your problem.
The entire debt should be in his name only.
He could easily go back to Pakistan and leave you with all the debt. You need to get fiancial advice urgently. Go to citizens advice.

I think you have to accept some responsibility for being too much of a pushover here @Charltonstrek, but we want to help you and we will try to lend you a bit of backbone each whilst you concentrate on growing your own spine ✊🏻😁

So have his kids been brought up there & he only moved to UK hen they were adults?

Either way he knew that at some point this would happen so should have been saving.

Realistically what has he been expected to pay for & what is him showing off I wonder.

Are the wedding celebrations for the whole time he is there?

This doesn't happen, unfortunately. The most money I spend is when I'm holidaying in my home country. Between family, activities etc, money just 'evaporates' - Lord knows where it goes... Anywhere else, and I come come back with change 🤷🏾‍♀️.

You shouldn't be sending him money and running up your overdraft and stress levels though. With a wedding and family around, he'll manage to spend every penny you send him and you'll be stuck in a cycle of misery.
Let him figure out the rest until he gets home.

Did you get the flight money back from the potential scam site you bought from? At that point you were paying for two tx for you and your DP. You decided to not go @Charltonstrek ?

There is every chance he's funding his family with your money.

The old saying "it's so easy to spend someone else's money" comes to mind.
He's not fussed as it not him getting into debt.

Do you live in a very expensive area? Because if you both work + PIP + your DS is already grown up, I’m struggling to understand how this is happening.

Regardless, once he’s back you both need to focus on getting your finances in order.

I would probably also try to dig a little bit and make sure whatever story he’s telling you is legit. He wouldn’t be the first or last man to keep a family back home.

Im just going to say it OP. Your depression would massively improve if you went to work and were financially stable. Stop using depression and ADHD as a reason to not work.

I have ADHD and manage to hold down a perfectly average job.

@KellySeveride you’re probably going to be torn to shreds for that but I agree 😬

So just don’t? It’s nothing to do with you. You are not married and don’t have kids together. This is one situation where a couple should keep separate finances.

It sounds like you have decided to borrow money to give away.

This is obviously a terrible decision and you are now feeling the consequences of that.

It might not seem clear to you at the moment, but it is clear to everyone else that you need to stop giving money away.

If you won't do that then your situation will get worse and you will feel worse. You have caused this, you are the only one who can stop it.

I am sorry OP, its about time you grew a backbone and some bloody balls and started to stand up for yourself, respect yourself and your son!
He
Is
Taking
You
For
A
Mug and you are letting him

I’m sure I will. But it’s the truth…depression + no job = financial worries = further depression. I’m not saying it’s the magical remedy but having to get up and go out to work keeps you in a routine, plus you see people which can help lift your mood.

His wife died many years ago his children he has 4 are all grown up living in pakistan and scraping by for a living me and dp met online.

OP sorry to say this but it really sounds like he went into the relationship with you for the money. Not sure if this is the first of his 4 children that got married but he'll be trying to pump money out of you when each subsequent one gets married as well.

As many here have said, you sound fairly vulnerable and not in the best position to be in an inter-cultural relationship with stepchildren involved. You need to draw up a boundary now about sending money you don't have. Regardless of whether he was in Pakistan or the UK when you met, it doesn't sound like a healthy basis for a relationship.

You need to tell him enough is enough, there physically isn't any money left to give.

Just because he's in another country right now doesn't mean that he can't arrange his own loan in his own name.

I suspect the only thing stopping him is exactly that though...because it'll be in his name and his responsibility to see it's paid back.