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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want to cry at the cost

206 replies

Charltonstrek · 13/04/2025 10:29

Dp has gone to his home country for his sons wedding which was arranged against my at this time against dp wishes dp wanted more time to arrange the money but the brides parent would not listen. It's a pakistani wedding so numerous events celebrations plus airline tickets and normal spending money.
I'm not well off I'm only working a few hours due to mental health etc and dp isn't on loads and we have ended up in some debt for this and to be honest I'm so depressed about it all he's there has another week and is almost out of money again I'm so fed up as I'm currently living on my overdraft and my dp won't have a wage for 2 weeks whrn he gets back.
I'm not sure what I wish to gain by posting here I really don't but I guess I just need some support to air it out so please go easy on me but I'm completely buggered up.

OP posts:
Watermill · 13/04/2025 11:44

I don’t understand why you have got into debt to send him money?

Dont send another penny.

herbalteabag · 13/04/2025 11:45

You need to stop sending him anymore money. He will have to explain that he doesn't have any, which is the truth. Family will have to look after him while he is out there. I assume he doesn't want to say that he can't afford anything else? But that's the reality, so there is no choice.

Original poster
Charltonstrek · 13/04/2025 11:45

They put alot of pressure on him he kept asking for more time to save but the brides parents didn't want to know and it caused so many issues. Has for the poster suggesting borrow off family well they are all on very low incomes and even when my dp asked a couple of friends there for help they asked if he was joking as they are in pakistan and he's in the UK.

OP posts:
daisychain01 · 13/04/2025 11:46

Do you live together or are you in separate properties. If separate, keep it like that! You're his ready supply of cash and as long as you're there doing what he tells you to do, he will keep sticking out his hand and demanding more and more.

keep your own money in your own account and don't give him the PIN code either!

you may be kind but you're also a soft touch and he knows it and abuses it.

Original poster
Charltonstrek · 13/04/2025 11:48

He hasn't been asking for more money but when he's mentioned in general conversation that it's run low or whatever I've sent him I know I know

OP posts:
Original poster
Charltonstrek · 13/04/2025 11:49

daisychain01 · 13/04/2025 11:46

Do you live together or are you in separate properties. If separate, keep it like that! You're his ready supply of cash and as long as you're there doing what he tells you to do, he will keep sticking out his hand and demanding more and more.

keep your own money in your own account and don't give him the PIN code either!

you may be kind but you're also a soft touch and he knows it and abuses it.

I actually deal with all the finances bills everything he leaves me to it even his own wage not sure if that changes anything.

OP posts:
Emanresuunknown · 13/04/2025 11:50

FatLarrysBanned · 13/04/2025 11:10

If he wants to play Billy Big Bollocks in front of his family let him, but don't send him another penny.

He can ask them to lend him some money, that'll bring him down a peg or 2 when they realise he's only there by the grace of a lowly woman subbing him.

It's exactly this. He'll be wanting to splash the cash and look like the big man in front of his family what an absolute tosspot.
You're going into debt so he can portray himself as successful in front of the wider family.
Asian weddings cost a ton id bet he knew full well before he left he'd need more money he just planned to put pressure on you once he got there.
Stop sending money he can get himself into debt if he wants to splash the cash and show off.

basketballcricketball · 13/04/2025 11:50

You can't give what you don't have. Next time he hints don't rise to it, if he explicitly asks then say no and explain why.
You have got yourself in a precarious situation for a man, it has to stop here.

RosesAndHellebores · 13/04/2025 11:50

When you enter a partnership, particularly where there are existing dc on both sides, income and outgoings need to be proportionately divided according to need and expectations. This event is a part of his culture and he shoukd have been setting aside for it over the years. That he has not done so indicates a lack of respect for your side of the relationship. Would he sub you if your child needed significant expenses? If the answer's no, then there is a very big issue.

If the relationship is otherwise generally good, he needs to have in place a repayment plan when he returns and that includes for any interest you have amassed.

Also, why is it OK for Asian people to rack up huge wedding related debts when they live in the UK but most Brits are askance at ludicrous weddings that people can't afford in the UK?

Original poster
Charltonstrek · 13/04/2025 11:51

I just didn't have the funds for this wedding and to also meet all essentials hence the debt

OP posts:
CountryQueen · 13/04/2025 11:52

Right, so he’s had a moan that he’s skint and spending a fortune on something he tried to put off but couldn’t. And you’ve maxed out your funds and sent them to him without him asking?

Puts a different slant on things. How old is your DS because if he’s a child you really should stop this and prioritise him.

Emanresuunknown · 13/04/2025 11:52

Charltonstrek · 13/04/2025 11:51

I just didn't have the funds for this wedding and to also meet all essentials hence the debt

So why did you send him money just because he whinged a bit about running out.
You sound foolish and he knows how to guilt trip you into handing more money.
Dont give another penny not one!!! You don't have it to give it's very simple!

IWillAlwaysBeinaClubWithYouin1973 · 13/04/2025 11:52

I think posters are trying to be sympathetic but OP you are just digging yourself deeper into the problem. Do you own a house or rent together?

Original poster
Charltonstrek · 13/04/2025 11:53

IWillAlwaysBeinaClubWithYouin1973 · 13/04/2025 11:52

I think posters are trying to be sympathetic but OP you are just digging yourself deeper into the problem. Do you own a house or rent together?

Rent together

OP posts:
Anewdawnanewname · 13/04/2025 11:53

Is it the travel etc that’s costing money, or has he had to pay towards the wedding?

Original poster
Charltonstrek · 13/04/2025 11:54

CountryQueen · 13/04/2025 11:52

Right, so he’s had a moan that he’s skint and spending a fortune on something he tried to put off but couldn’t. And you’ve maxed out your funds and sent them to him without him asking?

Puts a different slant on things. How old is your DS because if he’s a child you really should stop this and prioritise him.

My ds is 24

OP posts:
Original poster
Charltonstrek · 13/04/2025 11:54

Anewdawnanewname · 13/04/2025 11:53

Is it the travel etc that’s costing money, or has he had to pay towards the wedding?

Everything the costs just gone up and up way out of budget

OP posts:
DustyLee123 · 13/04/2025 11:55

Stop giving him money.

Original poster
Charltonstrek · 13/04/2025 11:58

The people out there seem to think he has money as he's in the UK they are stuck on that way of thinking. They make snide remarks that he's chilling and enjoying his life and isn't helping anybody. They think he's lying if he says he doesn't have money

OP posts:
Drivingbuttercup1 · 13/04/2025 11:59

Hi op,im married to a pakistani man, but i am also of pakistani heritage born British. My husband has family in pakistan but I do not pay a penny towards them, but why would I, I have no responsibility towards them. Your husband has responsibility towards you too. For us our 'own' family always comes first and dp pays towards all bills etc and anything left over is his to spend on whatever he wants, if he wants to send it to his parents, then he is free to do so. Others have had terrible experiences and break down in marriages over this. I say this to you kindly, but whatever you send, it is never enough, you won't get any thanks, because they don't see it as you sending it. Stop now and manage you finances better. My Dp is quite strict with his money, and will straight up say no when he doesn't have it. I know alot of men don't.

Hwi · 13/04/2025 12:02

Meadowfinch · 13/04/2025 10:41

This. His finances are not your problem unless you owe him money. He is not your husband. He needs to pay for himself and come home when he runs out of cash.

Your mental health would probably improve if you were not living with someone so foolish.

Show quote history

Bravo x 10

LivingwithHopenowandforever · 13/04/2025 12:02

OP, I am concerned for you in the situation you have found yourself in. This will be weighing on you massively and you really do need to get a hold of your situation. Your Credit Card Debt needs to be moved to a 0% card so you can pay off the debt without incurring charges. Do not make any rash decisions as you need your Partner on side to ensure he pays all of the debts that he is responsible for. You can apply for PIP and get some financial assistance along with help from Access to Work to help you while working. Pls look at these and get some additional help.

I do need you to understand something about Asian families. His responsibilities will not end just because he is in the UK & with you. Being a son he will always be expected to send money back home, there will always be ‘something’ that he will have to pay for. For example his son’s wedding, there are all sorts of traditions he will need money for. Meeting his daughter in law he will have to give her money as a gift etc. I do feel that you actually don’t know what you have signed up for being with an Asian man & I really do feel for you.

Can I ask how you 2 met & got together? Is his ex wife in the UK? How many children does he have? Where does his son & other children if he has any live full time? Is he actually divorced officially from his wife?

Sorry for all the questions but it would help build a picture of his background and where you fit in, in all of this.

Lurkingandlearning · 13/04/2025 12:03

I think I understand how you came to be in this position because of family/ cultural expectations. But he miscalculated the costs. He basically couldn’t afford the trip without going into debt and causing you problems at the basic financial level of subsistence living.

Don’t send more money and run up more debt. He is there, he has a flight home. If more expenses arise he will have to say he doesn’t have the money for them. If they are that important his family might have to have a whip round and help him out.

Weddings seem to be a financial minefield the world over

0ohLarLar · 13/04/2025 12:13

Is it possible he has been cultivating the impression he's been more financially successful in the UK than he has?

In some cultures a lot is sacrificed for someone to migrate, and there can be a strong expectation that in doing so that individual will transform the finances of a wide extended family via remittances.

These expectations can perpetuate the impression that the UK/germany/us/canada/australia have streets paved with gold, as no one wants to lose face admitting they haven't struck it rich, and no one believes the few who try.

LivingwithHopenowandforever · 13/04/2025 12:13

@RosesAndHellebores

Also, why is it OK for Asian people to rack up huge wedding related debts when they live in the UK but most Brits are askance at ludicrous weddings that people can't afford in the UK?
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