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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No notice AIBU?

303 replies

daisychainsandsummerdays · 13/04/2025 08:50

I’ve been planning a trip to see in-laws who live in Scotland, we live in London.

The plans were loosely made over a couple of weeks ago- but the plan being we would drive up to them - it’s a 7/8 hour drive with our two little ones, 3 and 6.

Yesterday I got a message asking what time would we be arriving …I said not sure exactly.
the next morning I got a message saying need to know when EXACTLY and can we be at there’s by midday!!!
Brother in law had Boole a family photographer and a day off work, other siblings may not be available other days - need to know out plans ASAP!

I replied saying sorry we can’t make it for 12 noon and sorry had no idea BIL had taken day or even if there was a photographer!!!
after a 7 hour drive with two little children - last thing I want to do is get photo’s done. Also wasnt planning on bringing best outfits and haven’t even had my hair done.

so frustrated - feeling like not going at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
daisychainsandsummerdays · 13/04/2025 08:51

Sorry - booked a photographer

OP posts:
Purpleturtle43 · 13/04/2025 08:54

That's ridiculous, is she expecting you to leave at 5am?! The last thing any of you will feel like doing is a photo shoot after being in the car all day.

TwentyTwentyFive · 13/04/2025 08:56

How bloody weird? I don't think anyone would be in the mood for a photoshoot after 7 hours of travelling even without the two small children. Realistically you'd have to set off before 5am to account for traffic, stops or roadworks etc.

If they wanted a photoshoot then it seems really strange to not have mentioned this beforehand and why the need to do it on the day you travel, why not do it during your visit?

It all sounds very stressful and like your family are an afterthought despite the fact you're the ones making the effort to visit.

Whinge · 13/04/2025 08:56

I don't think either side are being unreasonable.

They should be more considerate of the distance you're travelling, but if the family doesn't meet up often I can see why they're excited at the chance to get some family photos.

You don't mention when the trip is taking place, but as the plans are loose are they expecting you to travel up on the day, or come a few days before?

WaltzingWaters · 13/04/2025 09:02

No, really bloody bizarre. Fine for them to want a photographer and family photoshoot, but a stupid idea to book it for the day you’re actually travelling there. Firstly, nobody (kids or adults) wants to do that after all that travel. Secondly, there could be any number of hold ups that mean you won’t arrive on time, even if you do leave in the early hours of the morning.

They should have discussed it with you beforehand and booked it for later in your visit.

Eenameenadeeka · 13/04/2025 09:02

That's a very unrealistic plan of them, to think you could manage to be there for noon and then do a photoshoot after that drive. It sounds like a nice idea to take pictures but just very poor idea on the timing, you'd want it during your trip but not the day you arrive!

AlertCat · 13/04/2025 09:04

“No, it’s an 8-hour trip and we’re not setting off at 4am.”

any reason you can’t go up the day before?

DenholmElliot11 · 13/04/2025 09:05

YANBU to not go to the photshoot thats just silly of them.

However, when you are a guest in someones home, it's polite to give a rough ETA, rather than say "not sure exactly". This enables the host to make sure everything is ready for you when you get there with regard to hot food and drinks etc etc.

Wellretired · 13/04/2025 09:08

Go the day before, if you can. Or say that it's a 7 hour drive with 2 small children so to be there by 12 isn't possible, but could the photographer be booked for the evening?

Original poster
daisychainsandsummerdays · 13/04/2025 09:09

No we can’t go the day before. Both BIL’s live close by to in laws - half hour at the most!!

I’ve said that it’s not possible to do that and we were not aware there was a photographer booked or BIL had taken time off work.

thinking we will stay in London and not go.

ill end up the bad person here no doubt but it feels like what was a trip to see in laws has turned into what BIL wants us to do..

im sad about it but I’m now over it! 😡

OP posts:
BernardButlersBra · 13/04/2025 09:10

Odd and they are unreasonable. Do they ever travel anyway? I used to have a friend who rarely left a 10 mile radius of her house. She thought l was being difficult and / or lazy if l couldn't tell her the EXACT time l was going to arrive from a 250 mile journey (what about roadworks / accidents etc) and wouldn't promises could get there for midday (fitted in well with her child's nap apparently). This was one of the nails in the coffin for our friendship. In your situation who would want a photo shoot after a long journey and involve children

MissScarletInTheBallroom · 13/04/2025 09:11

Of course you can't be there at midday if you are travelling 7-8 hours.

How ridiculous.

Travelling up the day before is the only way this would be feasible.

YANBU.

TwentyTwentyFive · 13/04/2025 09:12

However, when you are a guest in someones home, it's polite to give a rough ETA, rather than say "not sure exactly". This enables the host to make sure everything is ready for you when you get there with regard to hot food and drinks etc etc.

The trouble is with a trip that length no matter how meticulous you are so many things could crop up that it's impossible to be accurate in giving a time. All they can do is give an estimate which I'm sure they already did but no one can give an exact time of arrival. It's not being impolite, it's just being realistic.

Whinge · 13/04/2025 09:14

It's unfortunate you're not able to travel the day before, but as it's not possible then they will just have to accept you won't be there for the photoshoot.

I think cancelling the entire trip would be a mistake. Your inlaws aren't to blame, and it would be a shame to miss out on seeing them because of BIL's actions.

MulberryPeony · 13/04/2025 09:14

Whilst they haven’t at all thought about the logistics of such a long drive with kids you are now saying you aren’t going at all? Talks about throwing your toys out of the pram. Just ask if they can rearrange the photos for later or another day because you can’t guarantee a ETA and nor do you expect the kids will be in their best behaviour after a long drive and being excited to see the family.

AlertCat · 13/04/2025 09:17

TwentyTwentyFive · 13/04/2025 09:12

However, when you are a guest in someones home, it's polite to give a rough ETA, rather than say "not sure exactly". This enables the host to make sure everything is ready for you when you get there with regard to hot food and drinks etc etc.

The trouble is with a trip that length no matter how meticulous you are so many things could crop up that it's impossible to be accurate in giving a time. All they can do is give an estimate which I'm sure they already did but no one can give an exact time of arrival. It's not being impolite, it's just being realistic.

I usually say what time we’re setting off and the expected duration- so host has a similar idea to us of what time we might arrive.

Trickabrick · 13/04/2025 09:17

I agree I wouldn’t be leaving at stupid o’clock to facilitate a photo shoot but it’s a totally OTT reaction to cancel the entire trip because of it, that’s a frankly bizarre reaction! Just say no and stick to your normal plans 🤷🏻‍♀️

Pigsears · 13/04/2025 09:18

They asked. You said no.

No need to cancel the trip.

Have you thought about going by train- and then collecting a hire car? Might be less stressful if your kids aren't used to a drive of that distance.

QuillBill · 13/04/2025 09:23

Train! She’s not Daddy Warbucks.

I’d say that you won’t be there at midday and you don’t want to do a family photo after eight hours of driving.

GaspingGekko · 13/04/2025 09:28

Why is your reaction to cancel the whole trip, rather than just tell them you won't make it for the photoshoot?

I'm guessing there's some huge drip feed coming, otherwise this is a huge overreaction from you.

Silvers11 · 13/04/2025 09:31

GaspingGekko · 13/04/2025 09:28

Why is your reaction to cancel the whole trip, rather than just tell them you won't make it for the photoshoot?

I'm guessing there's some huge drip feed coming, otherwise this is a huge overreaction from you.

100% agree with this.

B1indEye · 13/04/2025 09:34

QuillBill · 13/04/2025 09:23

Train! She’s not Daddy Warbucks.

I’d say that you won’t be there at midday and you don’t want to do a family photo after eight hours of driving.

I was thinking the same, the drive to see my family costs about £50 in petrol for the round trip for a full car, I always check the train price and a return trip is never less than £100 per person to go at the weekend

Maybe some train companies are cheap but not the one I'd need to take and car hire is also really expensive ime

Why would you be the bad guy OP, do the ILs think your husband has no mind of his own?

TinyGingerCat · 13/04/2025 09:35

What input has your DH had in this? Had he agreed to it and failed to tell you? Why is he not dealing with his parents rather than you?

Moveoverdarlin · 13/04/2025 09:36

They asked you what time you were arriving and you said ‘not sure exactly’. Personally I think that’s rude and not helpful at all. They are hosting guests and making plans for you, surely it’s not unreasonable to want to know when you are all arriving.

I would have said ‘Leaving London at 9am, planning to get to you at 4pm (traffic and wee stops permitting).

toomuchfaff · 13/04/2025 09:38

GaspingGekko · 13/04/2025 09:28

Why is your reaction to cancel the whole trip, rather than just tell them you won't make it for the photoshoot?

I'm guessing there's some huge drip feed coming, otherwise this is a huge overreaction from you.

Agreed