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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

No notice AIBU?

303 replies

daisychainsandsummerdays · 13/04/2025 08:50

I’ve been planning a trip to see in-laws who live in Scotland, we live in London.

The plans were loosely made over a couple of weeks ago- but the plan being we would drive up to them - it’s a 7/8 hour drive with our two little ones, 3 and 6.

Yesterday I got a message asking what time would we be arriving …I said not sure exactly.
the next morning I got a message saying need to know when EXACTLY and can we be at there’s by midday!!!
Brother in law had Boole a family photographer and a day off work, other siblings may not be available other days - need to know out plans ASAP!

I replied saying sorry we can’t make it for 12 noon and sorry had no idea BIL had taken day or even if there was a photographer!!!
after a 7 hour drive with two little children - last thing I want to do is get photo’s done. Also wasnt planning on bringing best outfits and haven’t even had my hair done.

so frustrated - feeling like not going at all.

OP posts:
TwentyTwentyFive · 13/04/2025 15:57

Some of the comments on this thread are beyond obtuse.

Aren't they just.

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 13/04/2025 16:01

RawBloomers · 13/04/2025 14:07

I get mild annoyance at MiL’s obtuseness over your journey. And at having a family photoshoot thrown in without notice and timing that, even if you could make, would have been difficult and not helped you look your best.

But I don’t get the petulance and “We won’t come then.” over it or over them going ahead with the photos anyway. They clearly fucked up the timing (you seem to imply it’s one of your BiL doing his own thing and steam rolling the others?) and are now going ahead anyway. But so what? Does it matter if you’re not in the photo shoot (that you’re also upset you haven’t prepped for?) Surely, when you live hundreds of miles away and the rest are all within a short drive, they have lots of photos that don’t include you, and lots of memories of times together that don’t include you and lots of bond building that doesn’t include you. That’s normal. Throwing your toys out the pram over this seems like a huge over reaction if, as you say, there’s no drip feed.

Edited

It's the total lack of consideration for the OP's family. I wouldn't take kindly to peremptorily being summoned to a photoshoot in these circumstances and I dare say most people wouldn't. The OP is left feeling that MIL doesn't care whether they are in the photos or not.

Most of us would want to look our best in such a photo too and MIL has not given her son's family the opportunity to get ready.

If I was in this situation and decided not to go, it would be because of the inconsiderate way this has all been handled and the MIL's refusal to even attempt to change the arrangement.

On balance I think I'd go, as I assume the children are looking forward to it and it has the potential to seriously damage the relationship with the ILs.

WhereYouLeftIt · 13/04/2025 16:02

ZZGirl · 13/04/2025 15:43

Why aren't you flying?

Probably because getting to the airport, getting through the airport, one-hour flight, getting through Glasgow airport, getting a taxi to wherever, would take just nearly as long? Plus wrangling two small children? Plus a limit on what you could take, which IIRC is a massive amount of stuff for small children?

WhereYouLeftIt · 13/04/2025 16:06

@daisychainsandsummerdays, what does your other half say about all this? Is there a backstory with BIL - does he normally call the shots?

Your PIL must surely know the length of time it takes to drive such a long distance, expecting you to be there for noon, camera-ready, is just batshit! Are they normally batshit?

And what is the importance of this 'family photograph'? Why is BIL (and MIL) so set on this family-photograph-which-excludes-one-branch?

RedSkyDelights · 13/04/2025 16:09

Is this just a miscommunication?

OP only made her plans a couple of weeks ago; I don't know about the area her in-laws live in, but a photo shot with a professional photographer, in the school holidays would generally need to be booked much longer in advance than that.

I suspect the photo shot was booked for the family that lived close by, on the basis that OP's family don't get up there too often. When they realised she was actually coming up the same day, they tried to see if they could include her. And, reasonably, they've found they can't.

Just take your own photos with your in-laws. Sounds like you didn't want posh staged photos anyway.

WhySoManySocks · 13/04/2025 16:12

A train from King X to Edinburgh takes 4.5h and has a cafe and toilets.

Bobnobob · 13/04/2025 16:15

Bonkers for them to expect you to do a photoshoot after that drive! If you add in stops you are looking at 9 hours. So a 2am start to get there at 12. No.

But now they have said ok, we’ll go ahead and do the photoshoot without you .. what’s the problem? You didn’t know it was happening anyway.

ReadingSoManyThreads · 13/04/2025 16:19

WhySoManySocks · 13/04/2025 16:12

A train from King X to Edinburgh takes 4.5h and has a cafe and toilets.

And your point is? I take the car with me on similar long journeys because then we have transport for getting around with the child car seats. Can take as much luggage as we need. No faff getting to and from train stations or airports, no worries about carrying luggage or luggage allowances and keeping hold of the children. We don't know where in Scotland she's going, it could be rural, and could be a nightmare to get there from Edinburgh station for all we know.

harriethoyle · 13/04/2025 16:25

You sound delightful though.

Thank you @Herewegoagain84 - I am! 😘

ReadingSoManyThreads · 13/04/2025 16:25

You have every right to be pissed off with this, I would be too.

I also live away from family so know how it feels to be constantly left out of family gatherings that we're never even invited to.

Some people are missing the point on this thread. Of course you would have liked to have been included in the family photoshoot. It's the fact that they sprung it on you at last minute and booked it on the day you're bloody travelling!! So inconsiderate and batshit of them.

I make these long journeys a couple of times per year, I usually give a rough ETA, like "not before 5pm", or "hopefully sometime between 6-8pm". Then on the day I'll text when leaving, tell them the approximate journey time, then update them on where we are on each stop along the way.

I'd be tempted to reply the following: "What a shame that we'll be left out of the family photoshoot, if only BIL had contacted us in advance then we'd have been able to coordinate plans and get an appropriate date booked, rather than the one we're actually travelling on!"

CarpetKnees · 13/04/2025 16:28

Your reaction suggests YABU.

MiL asks what time you are arriving.
Answer could have been "Well, we're aiming to leave at 8am, so, if we get a good run, hopefully by about4 / 4.30 / 5, but obviously depends on the traffic".

MiL mentions that BiL has booked a photographer and reply (from me) would just have been "Oh, shame he didn't book it for the day after, when we would all be together".
However, YABU to think everyone needs fancy outfits and haircuts to have their photograph taken.

YABVVU to not go because BiL didn't think about the distance / time taken to travel. Complete over reaction.

goody2shooz · 13/04/2025 16:28

harriethoyle · 13/04/2025 13:18

But you didn’t want to do it @daisychainsandsummerdays?? Is this just FOMO? Organise photos a different time if you want them.

and to say “not sure exactly” when asked for an ETA is just deliberately awkward. You could easily have given an estimate. I’d love to hear your in laws take on this and your behaviour generally.

Driving from London to Scotland with a 3 yr old and a 5yr old, approximately 8 hour trip. Assuming neither child gets car sick, you still have to stop to stretch legs, have something to eat, toilet possibly a number of times, roadworks, unexpected stuff like that. Why so snippy when she can’t give an exact ETA?
Suggesting she gets the kids up at 4 am and then driving practically nonstop is just madness - who are these parents who’d do that? And how many small children would be so ‘obliging’ as to sleep/screen/sit quietly through it all??

Hollowvoice · 13/04/2025 16:28

WhereYouLeftIt · 13/04/2025 16:02

Probably because getting to the airport, getting through the airport, one-hour flight, getting through Glasgow airport, getting a taxi to wherever, would take just nearly as long? Plus wrangling two small children? Plus a limit on what you could take, which IIRC is a massive amount of stuff for small children?

Show quote history

And also plans were only made a couple of weeks ago so flights are likely too expensive

Hollowvoice · 13/04/2025 16:34

We've done a similar trip many times over the years. When the kids were younger it was definitely easier to drive half way (ish) the night before and stop over somewhere. Then we'd get there early on the day. But it's ridiculous to expect you there for midday if you have to do the drive all in one.
We always say we'll be there "mid-late afternoon" if going straight through and update on the way - the journey has varied from 6.5 to 12.5 hours so it's impossible to be precise!

Brefugee · 13/04/2025 16:34

WhySoManySocks · 13/04/2025 16:12

A train from King X to Edinburgh takes 4.5h and has a cafe and toilets.

and what does that cost, vs what a drive costs?

SinkToTheBottomWithYou · 13/04/2025 16:34

Can’t you travel the night before? There might be a good reason but you sound slightly inflexible and hostile.

ZZGirl · 13/04/2025 16:35

WhereYouLeftIt · 13/04/2025 16:02

Probably because getting to the airport, getting through the airport, one-hour flight, getting through Glasgow airport, getting a taxi to wherever, would take just nearly as long? Plus wrangling two small children? Plus a limit on what you could take, which IIRC is a massive amount of stuff for small children?

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London City is a far quieter and less crazy airport. Just an idea, no need to bite heads

Streaaa · 13/04/2025 16:35

OP, that is a huge journey with 2 small children.
If it was that important to them, basic curtesy would have given you more notice.

No way could you be there for 12 mid day.
I think put it off indeed and have a rest at home.

Trickabrick · 13/04/2025 16:36

ReadingSoManyThreads · 13/04/2025 16:19

And your point is? I take the car with me on similar long journeys because then we have transport for getting around with the child car seats. Can take as much luggage as we need. No faff getting to and from train stations or airports, no worries about carrying luggage or luggage allowances and keeping hold of the children. We don't know where in Scotland she's going, it could be rural, and could be a nightmare to get there from Edinburgh station for all we know.

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Exactly! Posters who think they’re clever by trying to prove an OP is unreasonable by offering alternative solutions that the OP hasn’t indicated they want are so tiresome 🙄

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 13/04/2025 16:37

Gustavo77 · 13/04/2025 15:24

That's a bit cheeky an over reaction

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It's really not!!

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 13/04/2025 16:38

Gustavo77 · 13/04/2025 15:26

Actually, yes. You are coming across as being rather truculant.

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I bet you would be too in this situation. Totally unreasonable behaviour from the ILs!!!

Brefugee · 13/04/2025 16:38

like all the "sure just take another day off right before Easter when nobody else in your company will want to be off so there's lots of opportunity to do that"

I'd be pissed off about being summoned such a distance to arrive before midday, and then to have a photo - i prefer to try to look my best in family photos so good hair is a must - and then for the family to say "oh well we'll have a family photo without you". That stings.

Trickabrick · 13/04/2025 16:38

SinkToTheBottomWithYou · 13/04/2025 16:34

Can’t you travel the night before? There might be a good reason but you sound slightly inflexible and hostile.

Can’t you read? The OP said pages ago they can’t go the night before 😂

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 13/04/2025 16:40

ZZGirl · 13/04/2025 15:43

Why aren't you flying?

What???!

Maybe they need the use of a car while they're there. Maybe because flights for 4 would be more expensive than driving?

Can you really not figure it out?!!

mainecooncatonahottinroof · 13/04/2025 16:43

ReadingSoManyThreads · 13/04/2025 16:19

And your point is? I take the car with me on similar long journeys because then we have transport for getting around with the child car seats. Can take as much luggage as we need. No faff getting to and from train stations or airports, no worries about carrying luggage or luggage allowances and keeping hold of the children. We don't know where in Scotland she's going, it could be rural, and could be a nightmare to get there from Edinburgh station for all we know.

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Don't be so reasonable 😁