No notice AIBU?

[daisychainsandsummerdays]

I’ve been planning a trip to see in-laws who live in Scotland, we live in London.

The plans were loosely made over a couple of weeks ago- but the plan being we would drive up to them - it’s a 7/8 hour drive with our two little ones, 3 and 6.

Yesterday I got a message asking what time would we be arriving …I said not sure exactly.
the next morning I got a message saying need to know when EXACTLY and can we be at there’s by midday!!!
Brother in law had Boole a family photographer and a day off work, other siblings may not be available other days - need to know out plans ASAP!

I replied saying sorry we can’t make it for 12 noon and sorry had no idea BIL had taken day or even if there was a photographer!!!
after a 7 hour drive with two little children - last thing I want to do is get photo’s done. Also wasnt planning on bringing best outfits and haven’t even had my hair done.

so frustrated - feeling like not going at all.

Yes - you sound really deliberately awkward and obstructive. Particularly with your threats now not to go at all.

Quite! Didn’t want to be photo ready but now feels left out I mean, if you genuinely want to do it you could just leave super early, but you don’t want to. Crap communication I agree, but I wouldn’t let lack of a haircut deprive my DP’s of a photo with all their children/in laws & DGC.

I’d also love to hear what op’s DH says about it all and why aren’t they the ones dealing with their parents/siblings.

No, I wouldn't be in a photoshoot full stop. I can't imagine many people would want to be in one.

From experience I still think you or your DH needs to speak to BIL. It could easily be a case of miscommunication between him and MIL.

But why has it been arranged on the day they're doing a 7 hour drive? If they want everyone there, why arrange it in a day where there's a good chance they can't make it on time?

We often leave at that time too to visit family at the other end of the country - the point I was making was I wouldn’t do it to make it to a photo shoot - we’re all knackered from the early start and travelling and the kids just want to catch up with their relatives they only see a few times a year when we get there 🙂

Depends on the ages of the kids too. My 3 year old would not sit happily for a photoshoot after 7 hours minimum in the car. She'd be tired, or in need of blowing off some steam. She's a good kid but I can envisage her not behaving "appropriately" for that, after that journey.

Why couldn’t they have arranged the photoshoot for the next day? Very thoughtless. They will have to be disappointed. I don’t see why you shouldn’t visit at all, though.

Get your own family photos done and photshop them into the BIL production. Send them on to BIL and show you didn't need to be there after all. 😊

Fair enough? You live faraway so you are bound to miss out on some things. Let it go.

OP why are you doing all the organising and getting the messages from MIL? Why would you be the baddie? Why isn't this DH's problem?

Yanbu.

I was thinking the same. We did a lot of trips from southeast England to northeast + holidays to France, etc. when kids were young and we always tried to do at least a good chunk of the drive when they might sleep. When going north, we’d set of after work, ideally finishing a little early and drive for an hour or two, stop for ‘dinner’ and change them into PJs and brush teeth. Back in the car and we could then complete the rest of the journey with them asleep - so much less stress for everyone! We’d also stop at a Travelodge if going up to Scotland, so a few hours further.

I get mild annoyance at MiL’s obtuseness over your journey. And at having a family photoshoot thrown in without notice and timing that, even if you could make, would have been difficult and not helped you look your best.

But I don’t get the petulance and “We won’t come then.” over it or over them going ahead with the photos anyway. They clearly fucked up the timing (you seem to imply it’s one of your BiL doing his own thing and steam rolling the others?) and are now going ahead anyway. But so what? Does it matter if you’re not in the photo shoot (that you’re also upset you haven’t prepped for?) Surely, when you live hundreds of miles away and the rest are all within a short drive, they have lots of photos that don’t include you, and lots of memories of times together that don’t include you and lots of bond building that doesn’t include you. That’s normal. Throwing your toys out the pram over this seems like a huge over reaction if, as you say, there’s no drip feed.

@daisychainsandsummerdays I'd be right royally pissed off about this too OP. Putting it politely, your in-laws' attitude is laughable. Who in their right mind would think that you and your DH with two young DC could undertake a 7-hour drive and arrive by midday FFS?! And be all bright and smiley after such a long, tiring journey? Are they really this stupid?! You'd have to leave by 4am at the absolute latest to be there and ready for a photoshoot at midday (more like 3.30am to allow for comfort stops) but that's if the journey goes smoothly. What if something happens outside your control, like an accident that causes a huge traffic jam? How can you possibly predict the precise time you will arrive?
Honestly OP, your BIL must be exceptionally thick to not have booked his day off and the photoshoot for the day after you all arrive (and I'd be just the woman to tell him so!). I'd still go though - for the relaxed catch-up type of visit you were planning - and just forget about this ill-conceived photoshoot nonsense. Your BIL is an idiot.

this doesn’t make sense. Just go and arrive as planned

feels disjointed…are you looking for a reason to not go?

I can’t imagine me being happy about a photoshoot after a 7 hour car journey!

I totally understand why you were pissed off they expected you to arrive early for a stupid photo shoot.

However, cancelling the entire trip seems like an overreaction. You will miss the photo crap. Can’t you just do whatever you planned outside of that?

Or did you really not want to go and now they have given you some kind of excuse? That’s not a criticism by the way, I’ve been there!!!😀

Oh you have one of those ‘head of the family’ MILs who makes all the decisions and pets her lip when she doesn’t get her own way. How utterly thoughtless of you to live so far away, and YABVU to want notice to get ready so you can look as good as her in the photo and not look the poor tats you are.

If the photo thing will overshadow the trip then YANBU to go another time instead.

@daisychainsandsummerdays I think the unreasonable ones here are your BIL, PIL and the commenters that can’t understand how much the journey will take it out of you all but also how long it will take!
we live in Shropshire and often visit family in Edinburgh, we have not yet done the journey with our little one because what should be 5 hours is often 7/8 with traffic and stops!
its annoying they haven’t been organised with the photoshoot to book when you are there and settled and I’d be peed off to be left out too!! Completely unreasonable and unrealistic to drop it on you at short notice.

Nor me, but I also wouldn't be with plenty of notice and if it was happening in my garden 😂

Despite the miscommunication, it sounds like it’s worked out ok as your in-laws still get to do a photoshoot and spend time with BIL, and the silver lining is that you don’t need to worry about your tired kids posing for photos after a long drive. So I wouldn’t waste any energy being irritated anymore. I’d also recommend you definitely still go as these chances to meet up as a whole family are precious and nothing fundamentally has changed with the plan except the fact that you miss a shoot you didn’t know about or want to do anyway. BIL probably just was told the date you’d be arriving and wrongly assumed you’d be there the whole day without thinking it through. Silly of him, of course, but not necessarily any attempt to leave you out nor anything to feel hurt or cross about.

Instead, maybe just reply with something friendly and positive like “Totally understood! Hope it all goes really well, that was a nice thought of BIL and we’re sorry to miss it this time. We will drop you a text when we’re about to leave London and can’t wait to see you when we get to [Edinburgh]. I’m aiming for us to leave quite early - maybe about 9am - so I’d hope we should be with you late afternoon or early evening but we will probably need a few stops for the kids so we will give you a ring with a better ETA when we are about an hour away in case you’re still at the shoot. Is there anything in particular you need us to bring?”

You don’t have time for haircuts but maybe throw in a couple of nice outfits into the car anyway, in case there’s an opportunity to do a few informal family photos with everyone on your phone over dinner.

Stay positive - this is a great chance to make some lovely memories for both you and your kids!

Yup, exactly this. 👆

I’m (mostly!) on your side OP!

Presuming they knew that was the day you were coming/doing the long drive, why did they book a photographer for midday that day? Very silly of them. I disagree with people saying you should go the day before now, due to this. Why should you? They chose to book it the day you’re arriving with no thought to your long journey. How do we know you don’t have plans/work the day before? You can’t always just bring the date of a trip away forward by a day.

Only thing is, it does sound like you’ve not hugely helped yourself by answering “I don’t know” when they ask what time you’re arriving. Is that not a tad rude? If I had guests travelling to come and stay, and I asked them if they knew what time they’d get here and they just replied saying they didn’t know, I’d be a bit like… “ok.” I mean I wouldn’t go ahead and book a photographer and assume they would be there by midday for it, but I would find it rude when I was hosting. Could you at least have said something like “children and traffic dependent, we aren’t hugely sure, but hoping to aim for around 3-5pm if that sounds okay for you?”

Why are you having this conversation and not your OH…?