No notice AIBU?

[daisychainsandsummerdays]

I’ve been planning a trip to see in-laws who live in Scotland, we live in London.

The plans were loosely made over a couple of weeks ago- but the plan being we would drive up to them - it’s a 7/8 hour drive with our two little ones, 3 and 6.

Yesterday I got a message asking what time would we be arriving …I said not sure exactly.
the next morning I got a message saying need to know when EXACTLY and can we be at there’s by midday!!!
Brother in law had Boole a family photographer and a day off work, other siblings may not be available other days - need to know out plans ASAP!

I replied saying sorry we can’t make it for 12 noon and sorry had no idea BIL had taken day or even if there was a photographer!!!
after a 7 hour drive with two little children - last thing I want to do is get photo’s done. Also wasnt planning on bringing best outfits and haven’t even had my hair done.

so frustrated - feeling like not going at all.

We won’t make the photoshoot, see you later in the day. Will update as we get further north.

Someone didn’t think it through did they. Can’t see two small children emerging from an 8 hour drive to sit still and smile for a photographer. YANBU in the least.

They haven’t thought it through - presumably you are there for a few days so they could have arranged for the following day. Totally unreasonable to expect you and the kids to be photo ready when you arrive. More likely you will look and feel frazzled which is obvious to most people. They probably mean well but haven’t been realistic. Personally I would leave at 5 but only you know how is best to mitigate problems with the kids and the car journey.

With younger children we have always left super early let them go back to sleep and then stopped for breakfast part way through the journey. You can’t control the traffic though and the photoshoot idea sounds mad.

My MIL usually messages me because DH works in a hospital and has very little time to check his phone, so she won't get a response until much later on, and if it's around travel plans etc it's usually me making those plans anyway. So she cuts out the middle man.

Also, some of us don't mind talking to the in laws.

Why don't you load up the kids after work the day before and let them sleep in the car? Will be much easier than travelling in the day anyway.

Can't they change the photo shoot day off until the day after?
I can understand them wanting a photo of the whole family. It will be something nice for the in-laws. But the timing is unreasonable.
Don't cancel the trip though. That sounds very petty and unfair of your in laws and your children

Never worked when I was a kid, couldn't sleep in the car and if I did I'd wake up and throw up.

DD will sleep in the car but she fights it.

So, we travel in the day, because that's what works for us.

As someone who regularly has to do a similar journey to visit family with DC, you are absolutely not unreasonable.

In laws must be batty to expect you there by 12, or even to demand an ETA. Sometimes our journey takes us 7 hours, sometimes 10 hours. On one particularly awful run it was 12 hours. You can't possibly know in advance when you're going to arrive. Thankfully my family are sensible and completely understand.

I also don't think you're being unreasonable to feel upset about being left out of the photo shoot, even if you weren't prepared for it. It does seem like the family haven't considered your needs at all when setting it up. Is BIL the golden child by any chance?

Well you've said you're not going anyway now so even if they changed the date you'd miss out on photos.

In laws are being unreasonable though

Why on earth would she book a photographer for the afternoon you are arriving? Ridiculous. You aren’t being unreasonable at all.

i travel from England to Scotland regularly. I never give an eta as I’d always be wrong due to traffic which always has a hold up somewhere. I text as I’m leaving and then message when held up. We regularly travel up after work so we sort food ourselves and usually arrive when it’s time to go to bed. Even when I go on train, there is always delays. Last one I was 2hrs late. It’s just the norm now travelling

I get wanting to know approximately people will arrive - i often drive from Germany to UK (around 12-14 hours depending on traffic/ferries) and if anyone tries to pin me down i say "early evening x date".

If i want to do something and someone is travelling from a long way away, i tell them what i have planned - and we work out how to make it happen with the least amount of stress.

MIL has fallen down here, son in your shoes OP i'd just ignore the fact of photos, not be that interested in hearing about it or seeing them. And just get on with the visit/my life leaving all communication with the ILs up to your DH.

How is he feeling about being left out of a family photo?

It's ridiculous to suggest that the OP could or should accommodate this batshittery. OP what are they like generally, do they have form?

YANBU to be annoyed about the no notice photography scheme. I think often if you are the family that has moved away, you are expected to make far more effort in terms of visiting than the family that stayed.

But YABU to not go at all because of this nonsense.

Is it a MIL problem or a BIL problem? MY SIL used to make all sorts of ridiculous awkward or undoable arrangements and we would always be made to look like the unreasonable ones. PIL wouldn't cross their daughter so they'd just try to bully us. No visit was never not spoiled by her.
An 8 hour drive with small kids is bad enough and worse if you're going to get there and then get moaned at about not being in in the undobale photo. I'd just not go and say you'll come some other time.
Can you get your DH to phone BIL and find out whats going on?

I’d just send a thumbs up emoji. Your in-laws sound odd!

That's a bit cheeky an over reaction

Actually, yes. You are coming across as being rather truculant.

Are you the MIL/BIL?!! Of course the OP isn’t being unreasonable - she’s had a totally mental request that she isn’t able to comply with logistically. Being told last minute and then being told they were going ahead anyway is thoughtless, lacks in any planning and doesn’t value the time and effort it will take OP and her family to get there. Of course she can be annoyed. You sound delightful though.

It’s rude to invite people to stay and then change the arrangements last minute.

MIL should have said to BIL that she already has plans with OP’s family and that the family photo date needs to be arranged for a different date.

It’s fine for BIL to have a family photo with his parents, but not fine to make other people feel like shit because they can’t be there and when do they arrive, the relaxing weekend they envisaged has been changed into something else.

I don't think the OP is being difficult in the slightest!!

Why aren't you flying?

It doesn't sound one bit like that. The OP and her family were an afterthought. No consideration whatsoever for them travelling so far with young children.

Some of the comments on this thread are beyond obtuse.

You're completely missing the point!

Seriously? That's your take from this? Bizarre.

I wouldn't blame you one bit @daisychainsandsummerdays if you didn't. I'd have hated a photo with ILs anyway. Let them at it! Their complete lack of consideration is appalling, and don't listen to anyone here who tries to tell you different!