No notice AIBU?

[daisychainsandsummerdays]

I’ve been planning a trip to see in-laws who live in Scotland, we live in London.

The plans were loosely made over a couple of weeks ago- but the plan being we would drive up to them - it’s a 7/8 hour drive with our two little ones, 3 and 6.

Yesterday I got a message asking what time would we be arriving …I said not sure exactly.
the next morning I got a message saying need to know when EXACTLY and can we be at there’s by midday!!!
Brother in law had Boole a family photographer and a day off work, other siblings may not be available other days - need to know out plans ASAP!

I replied saying sorry we can’t make it for 12 noon and sorry had no idea BIL had taken day or even if there was a photographer!!!
after a 7 hour drive with two little children - last thing I want to do is get photo’s done. Also wasnt planning on bringing best outfits and haven’t even had my hair done.

so frustrated - feeling like not going at all.

Of course it's unreasonable to want people to do anything they don't want to do for your benefit. If the OP and her partner don't want to do it, it's because they obviously don't value having a relationship with these people, and why should they? If those people want a relationship, they can do the driving. If they are not bothered either, they can not have much of a relationship, not waste anybody's time, and everybody's happy.

This seems wise, even without the need to arrive for a photograph. They aren’t being very thoughtful but you can be generous and feel their excitement? A young child would benefit from a stop over in a Premier Inn or some such? It would add to cost but make it a little holiday.

Agree with this.
Wouldn't be doing a long drive like that for people who clearly dont appreciate it.

I'm sorry to hear they've continued to be unkind and inconsiderate but I'm pleased you've managed to draw a line under it and I hope you have a lovely break at home.

As for those still posting about trains etc please consider reading the ops posts before commenting. She was never asking for travel advice.

I get that you’re feeling strongly about this (and probably nothing I write will make a difference right now) but I worry that this is an over-reaction borne out of hurt/anger, and that you may be cutting off your nose to spite your face.

If you really don’t want to go (and, of course, that’s your prerogative) then is there any way you can soften the blow? I’m guessing it’s too late/impractical for your DH to take the kids while you stay home, but how about suggesting at least a friendly Zoom call with the family this evening, or a similar ‘olive branch’?

Family relationships are fragile things and there will be emotions on both sides. I know you’re feeling fed up with everything that’s happened but I worry that these things can escalate without us intending them to, and it’s not worth totally falling out with your DH’s family because of this (for your kids’ sake, if nothing else).

Because once you've taken the train to Scotland, you just get off in Scotland and walk to whatever part of Scotland you are visiting. Takes five minutes.

Let your DH deal with this, I’d stay out.

I don’t understand why you’re so arsed about this. You didn’t want to take part in the photos because you didn’t have notice to get your hair done, but you’re pissed off that the photos are going ahead without you. So do you want to be in the photos or not? They probably can’t change the day/time at short notice.

It looks like you’re throwing your toys out of the pram because you don’t get to be in some photos that you don’t want to be in anyway. Why don’t you send DH and the kids without you so at least they can see their family?

"it’s not worth totally falling out with your DH’s family because of this (for your kids’ sake, if nothing else)."

She knows them - she and her husband are surely in a far better position to judge whether they ought to be bothered about falling out with them.

You know all the dreadful people you've ever met in your life that you'd cross the road to avoid? All of them are someone's family. Are the people who happen to be related to them under some obligation to maintain contact?

People are making some massive assumptions about her husband's inability to think and act for himself here. It seems more likely this is a course of action they are agreed on.

Just because some people can't imagine not wanting to see their family doesn't mean everyone is like that.

"No more driving to Scotland". Do you mean ever?
Does DH come from Scotland if his parents and brother(s) live within half an hour of each other?

I assume there must be a big history here as refusing to visit them again because they wanted to do a photoshoot at an inconvenient time would be a big overreaction.

To your original OP, of course letting them know that you wouldn't be there for 12 would be fine.

You have suggested that you wouldn't want the shoot to be moved to the next day because of haircuts and wanting a relaxed trip. So I don't think you are justified to get upset if they go ahead with the pre-booked shoot without you.

If you so decide to visit again then I would suggest doing a couple of hours drive the night before, staying in a premier inn, driving another couple of hours and stopping somewhere with a big park for lunch and for everyone to exercise their legs before doing the final stint. 7 hours drive with little ones only stopping for food/fuel is not fun.

Incredibly, the roads, trains and flights to Scotland also go in both directions. Amazing, isn't it?

I understand why you are disappointed about the photoshoot and it is is a bit weird they booked it without discussing and mean they are now leaving you out. But I think you are being petty not to go now AT ALL. That is escalatory behaviour on your part and you are making the situation a lot worse regarding your family relationships and your DH caught I the middle.

You haven’t said why you couldn’t go up the day before? You said it was a loose plan previously.

That is escalatory behaviour on your part and you are making the situation a lot worse regarding your family relationships and your DH caught I the middle.

She's obviously not made a unilateral decision stopping her husband from going to see his family. They've quite obviously spoken about it and come to the conclusion together.

Quite a few posters seem to be making up situations to make their points.

Wasn't the 'escalatory behaviour ' the OP and family being expected to drive an extra 40 miles to the BIL's house as the latest in-laws stunt?

What never?

I don’t get this at all, sounds a bit reactionary/ mad. You didn’t know about the photo so you weren’t going specifically for it. So why are you bothered? If you throw your toys out of the pram for stuff like this you’ll be depriving your kids of a relationship with half their family. Aren’t the kids disappointed?

7 hours isn’t that much- start early, kids sleep for the first bit, 2 breaks of an hour, it’s fine. We’ve got relatives a similar distance and do it at least twice a year.

Just go on the trip as planned and forget about the photo- or take your own and get it photoshopped in!

@bigboykitty when things happen you get to choose how to react. Refusing to go at all IS escalating the situation to which she could have replied “such a shame we won’t make the photoshoot, look forward to seeing you later in the afternoon, will let you know when we are about an hour away” but instead chose to throw her toys out the pram and make it into a drama.

To be honest it sounds as though the BIL has been thoughtless rather than deliberately trying to cause drama. As a previous poster suggested it might have been that he had arranged it already at his house and when he heard the OP was coming maybe they could combine the two. The OP hasn’t said.

Miscommunications like these can be easily resolved if people give others the grace to consider that they might not have had bad intentions.

I have family 7-8hrs away and I'd only ever travel with my young kids at 4am! I find that much easier so they sleep for a few hours of the journey and traffic is much less. But that's personal I guess.

Don't think your family have thought it through particularly well but I also think communication has gone wrong. Nobody seems to be explaining thier expectations very well! Id just ring them and chat about it. Texting gets people's backs up!

And the ticket cost x4? Then the cost of transport to the final destination? Really!

Makes sense for less people to drive OP as they can accommodate you.
If they all came to you, would you be able to put them up?

You said there was no drip feed, so assuming you all get along normally, having a chat would solve things easier than messaging.

Like others have said, let your DH deal with the communication with his brother.

Was the title of the thread "are there any ways I can bend over backwards to inconvenience myself and put myself to financial cost in order to accommodate the wishes of some people we don't like very much?" because a lot of posters seem to be offering advice based on the conception that it was.

The OP may have asked this and I missed it, of course.

Why she couldn’t go up before is absolutely nothing to do with her post. She wasn’t looking for travel advice. She wasn’t looking for logistical advice. Perhaps she’s working / her DH is working / the kids are at a camp / they have pets and the sitter isn’t available etc etc etc

I also think this could be resolved in the future by giving a time you’re aiming for rather than “no idea”. E.g. if you say “we’re coming up on Sat the 4th, leaving here as early as we can but we won’t be with you until at least 5pm/ dinner time”, that leaves less room for miscommunication than “some time on the 4th”. Especially when these things are passed between family members being as clear as you can at the outset is useful.

We have no idea if OP's DH is caught in the middle. I assume that OP has been doing all the communicating about arrangements because he doesn't want to, and I doubt that OP made a unilateral decision not to go, without discussing it with her DH.

Oh, I totally agree with you that some family members are AWFUL and so toxic or selfish or narcissistic that there’s no point in offering olive branches nor subjecting yourself to continued abuse. The only option there is to cut ties (and maybe move away!)

But, unless we aren’t being told something big here, this doesn’t seem to be one of those in-salvable situations. So instead I wonder if OP is just acting in a knee-jerk way as she’s feeling hurt and angry, which might not be the right course of action as overreaction often leads to even more heartache instead of fixing it.