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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For refusing to go to Church?

331 replies

TheGreyPony · 11/04/2025 20:14

Me and DP have been together for 4 years and are newly engaged.

My family is atheist and DPs family is catholic (DP is not practicing any religion)

DPs family go to church every Sunday and special occasions (Easter, Christmas…)

DP doesn’t go to church expect for on Christmas Eve, which is mother states is extremely important to her.

She has asked me every year if I will go to church at Christmas with them, and I explained me and my family have our own traditions and it’s not something I want to give up.

She keeps asking DP and I to go to church on a Sunday with her. She says how much it would mean to them, and how sad she is that DP doesn’t take his faith seriously.
DP genuinely just can’t be bothered to go, and i genuinely could not care less about Church or anything to do with religion.

I am not “anti-religion” I just don’t believe it in at all and do find the whole thing ridiculous (don’t worry, I’d never say that to his family) I worry she blames me for DPs lack of faith, but I also find myself biting my tongue whenever something good happens (like I get a promotion) and she tells me to thank god - because I think, I did that on own, not God.

AMBU for refusing to go? I know it’s important to her, but I just don’t like religion and I feel like it would be more disrespectful to lie.
Should I pretend, and go to church to keep the peace? Or be true to myself?

OP posts:
LoremIpsumCici · 11/04/2025 20:16

Your DP needs to ask his mum to stop bringing up church. No one should be under any pressure to go to any religious ceremony ever.

Eelqueen · 11/04/2025 20:25

What makes you think about this Christmas request in April?

and it’s once a year and you’ve declined every year and no bloodshed has followed. So just crack on declining

as for her badgering her DP to go…. Not. Your. Problem.

Original poster
TheGreyPony · 11/04/2025 20:28

Eelqueen · 11/04/2025 20:25

What makes you think about this Christmas request in April?

and it’s once a year and you’ve declined every year and no bloodshed has followed. So just crack on declining

as for her badgering her DP to go…. Not. Your. Problem.

She mentioned going to church this Sunday. This post is in relation to that, with added context

OP posts:
Ddakji · 11/04/2025 20:29

If she’s a nice person and you’re not doing anything else, why not just go? It’s an hour out of your day, you might hear some music you like or a reading that makes you think, and it would make her happy. Attending church doesn’t mean you believe so there’s no lie involved.

(Obviously if this is part of something bigger then that’s probably not good advice!)

Eelqueen · 11/04/2025 20:30

TheGreyPony · 11/04/2025 20:28

She mentioned going to church this Sunday. This post is in relation to that, with added context

Edited
Show quote history

She’s not pestering you to go

she’s asking your DP

leave him to deal with his
mother

Original poster
TheGreyPony · 11/04/2025 20:32

Eelqueen · 11/04/2025 20:30

She’s not pestering you to go

she’s asking your DP

leave him to deal with his
mother

Show quote history

No she’s asking both of us to go

OP posts:
outerspacepotato · 11/04/2025 20:32

Tell her no and to stop asking.

Justkeepingplatesspinning · 11/04/2025 20:33

She's hoping you will go to church with her for a quiet life, and then if you get to the stage of marrying, she will find it easier to persuade you into a church wedding.
Become like a stuck record. 'That's a lovely idea MiL but you know I'm an atheist so it would be hypocritical of me.' Repeat each time she invites you.
You need to find out how much your partner believes. Will he want a child baptised, for example? Might he be persuaded into considering a church wedding? If he's completely apathetic about it, he needs to tell his mum straight to stop pressuring you both to go to church with her.

soupyspoon · 11/04/2025 20:36

Eelqueen · 11/04/2025 20:25

What makes you think about this Christmas request in April?

and it’s once a year and you’ve declined every year and no bloodshed has followed. So just crack on declining

as for her badgering her DP to go…. Not. Your. Problem.

Its Easter coming up next week, you know a churchy thing and OP has been asked to go this week. Its in the post.

cariadlet · 11/04/2025 20:37

I would tell that you're not going because you don't have any religious faith and you find it very disrespectful for non believers to attend an act of worship.

Eelqueen · 11/04/2025 20:37

Ok so between you and your DP you need to acquire a back bone and say

“thanks for asking us but we won’t be joining this Sunday and we have no intention of ever attending, however would be lovely t see you. When are you free next?”

Eelqueen · 11/04/2025 20:37

So she asks every Christmas
and
now she’s asking at Easter

so… twice a year?

Original poster
TheGreyPony · 11/04/2025 20:39

Eelqueen · 11/04/2025 20:37

So she asks every Christmas
and
now she’s asking at Easter

so… twice a year?

I don’t understand if people are giving up reading the post because it’s long or what??? But I literally state she’s asks us to go on Sundays with her too?
As in…..weekly..?!

OP posts:
BacktoBeginnersFran · 11/04/2025 20:40

TheGreyPony · 11/04/2025 20:28

She mentioned going to church this Sunday. This post is in relation to that, with added context

Edited
Show quote history

I think that was fairly obvious OP!

Is she likely to request a church service for your wedding? Your fiancé needs to make sure she knows it's his decision not to go to mass, and not your influence.

MagnoliaPeonies · 11/04/2025 20:41

If it's the same situation as with my MIL then it's because she's proud of you, she talks about you to her church friends and wants them to meet you.

BacktoBeginnersFran · 11/04/2025 20:42

And will she expect any children you have to be raised Catholic? You need to make sure your fiancé is on the same page as you here too!

BacktoBeginnersFran · 11/04/2025 20:43

MagnoliaPeonies · 11/04/2025 20:41

If it's the same situation as with my MIL then it's because she's proud of you, she talks about you to her church friends and wants them to meet you.

OP doesn't need to go to mass to meet her MiL's friends.

BelfastBard · 11/04/2025 20:44

Your DP needs to tell her to knock it off. And maybe ask her what it is she thinks is to be gained from two people attending a church service they don’t believe in? Like what’s the goal there? Hoping you’ll be overcome by divine intervention and suddenly find a faith?

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 11/04/2025 20:45

You have his kids, he'll suddenly find religion and you'll find the pressure to take them to church ramped up girl 😬

BelfastBard · 11/04/2025 20:45

Eelqueen · 11/04/2025 20:37

So she asks every Christmas
and
now she’s asking at Easter

so… twice a year?

Would you ask someone even once to attend a religious service if you knew they didn’t believe? In many workplaces it would cost you your job…

Original poster
TheGreyPony · 11/04/2025 20:46

No mention of her wanting us to have a church wedding YET - however when her other son got married there was lots of arguments over that topic.

I’m wondering if she has learnt her lesson from it, or if she’s waiting until we’re properly planning.

OP posts:
Growlybear83 · 11/04/2025 20:47

If you’re an atheist it would be very hypocritical for you to go to a church service.

N0tWaiting4G0d0t · 11/04/2025 20:49

I totally agree with PPs that it’s important you explore with your fiancé and check you’re on the same page on things like where you’d get married, how you’d raise any kids etc. You’ll need to be a unified front otherwise there could be issues down the line with MIL trying to persuade him to do certain things like a Church wedding and you could be cast as the “bad guy” if you don’t go along with it.

What is your relationship like with your atheism? For me, it’s a fundamental part of my world view and I actually find it quite offensive when I’ve had people persistently try to get me to go to Church. Although I’ll happily go to others’ events and celebrations that are religious, I wouldn’t dream of getting married in a religious service in a Church, for example. We don’t know MIL/her intentions, but is it possible she thinks you’re in the agnostic/not decided camp? So a conversion might be possible? I think you and your fiancé need to agree your joint red lines and boundaries and then repeat that message and not give in.

thepariscrimefiles · 11/04/2025 20:50

TheGreyPony · 11/04/2025 20:32

No she’s asking both of us to go

Show quote history

She's being unreasonable. She knows that you are an atheist but is pushing you to attend church with her.

Is Catholicism a proselytising religion that wants to convert unbelievers to their faith or does she just want you and your fiance to attend for the sake of appearances?

Does she take offence when you say no?

AuntieDen · 11/04/2025 20:51

MagnoliaPeonies · 11/04/2025 20:41

If it's the same situation as with my MIL then it's because she's proud of you, she talks about you to her church friends and wants them to meet you.

yes, my MIL is more this than because she is desperate to save my soul. Its very sweet but I'm not a performing monkey and it makes me even less inclined to go.

I will play nice with her friends if they come round or we meet them when out but I draw the line at pretending to pray when I don't believe in it just so she can show me off at coffee afterwards.