For refusing to go to Church?

[TheGreyPony]

Me and DP have been together for 4 years and are newly engaged.

My family is atheist and DPs family is catholic (DP is not practicing any religion)

DPs family go to church every Sunday and special occasions (Easter, Christmas…)

DP doesn’t go to church expect for on Christmas Eve, which is mother states is extremely important to her.

She has asked me every year if I will go to church at Christmas with them, and I explained me and my family have our own traditions and it’s not something I want to give up.

She keeps asking DP and I to go to church on a Sunday with her. She says how much it would mean to them, and how sad she is that DP doesn’t take his faith seriously.
DP genuinely just can’t be bothered to go, and i genuinely could not care less about Church or anything to do with religion.

I am not “anti-religion” I just don’t believe it in at all and do find the whole thing ridiculous (don’t worry, I’d never say that to his family) I worry she blames me for DPs lack of faith, but I also find myself biting my tongue whenever something good happens (like I get a promotion) and she tells me to thank god - because I think, I did that on own, not God.

AMBU for refusing to go? I know it’s important to her, but I just don’t like religion and I feel like it would be more disrespectful to lie.
Should I pretend, and go to church to keep the peace? Or be true to myself?

Different take here, I'm an atheist with Christian Mum. My parents like us to go to church or a church event once or twice a year to "show us off". Honestly, just do people she's friends with get to meet us. It could be because you're important to her. My mum knows I'm never suddenly going to be religious, but it is lovely to chat and see her friends. The "thsnk god" thing is annoying I know. My mum stopped doing that eventually (Thank GOODNESS). !

Your MIL may be like my Mother, in that she is afraid for your souls if you don't attend mass/believe. I told my Mother that she had done her duty to bring us to Mass and show us how her faith lead her to live the good life she had (rip) but faith cannot be forced, or faked, and that I have to walk my own path.

Totally agree with this. 4 years of it! God loves a trier.

Dies she think you have nothing else planned on Sunday mornings? It does sound as if she is a little too involved in your lives tbh.
You could say, no, because then we have to agree to go to the atheist thing on Sundays with my parents.

To test the water, say in front of her and your dp next time she asks ' you know, doreen, if we had kids they won't be raised as Catholic and be tied to the church or any church'

Is this why you have a four year engagement? You'll probably have to elope.

Note- do not worry about upsetting her, or being disrespectful. You must think of yourself as an equal. She doesn't mind upsetting you and constantly asking.

A little bit of firmess and not giving in will be good for all of you, or you will have a nightmare when married, pregnant, or have babies. You'll have to name change when everyone starts ' but you were warned....!!'

I'm a bit torn on this one.
So, I'm a non-practising Catholic.
I DO believe, but I don't go to Mass because I would have to take my DC (solo parent/no childcare) and they're both AuDHD, which in our case is a recipe for disaster when it comes to semi-formal events (Twin 2, at 7, has very little control over her stims and tics, so Mass is not the best environment for her!).
I also want my DC to find their own way/form their own beliefs without me unduly influencing them, which they'd be better equipped to do as adults (without me 'forcing' them to go to Mass every week).
Mine is not a popular approach amidst Catholics!
I cannot stand believers who try to convert others, disregarding other individuals' boundaries by constantly pushing the 'come to church and thou will be fucking saved' agenda.
I'm a bit of a bitch, but I would have shut that shit down LONG ago.
However, I also don't see why you can't inconvenience yourself once or twice a year to go Mass with MIL.
Unless you actively dislike her, me being me, I'd accompany her just because it's a nice thing to do.
🤷🏼‍♀️

I think it’s very hard for a non believer to understand just how very important this is to a true Catholic - it’s literally a matter of life & death in terms of reaching Heaven. I would suggest for her sake and your ongoing relationships that you accompany your husband gracefully for the sake of your mother in law. It’s literally a hour out of your life a couple of times a year. She birthed and raised your husband. Wouldn’t it be generous to bestow her with this respect? You have no idea how this whole dynamic is going to pan out in the future. I say this as an atheist.

But conversely isn’t it just as hard for a believer to understand just how rage inducing sitting through a religious service can be for an atheist? I find the raging hypocrisy on display at so many church services very bad for my blood pressure and hence avoid them like the proverbial plague 😬

Those saying that OP should "just go, it's only a couple of times a year, it's important to MIL, she wants her friends to meet you etc" as an atheist I would agree if it was anything other than a religious service.

I would happily go to some church coffee morning, or a meet up with her church friends but I would never sit through a formal church service other than a funeral (or a wedding for someone I really cared about) no matter who was asking. I don't think non-athiests can really understand how it burns you up inside to sit through such utter nonsense, even once a year.

I don't think so at all. Everyone is welcome as long as they behave respectfully.

I think the hardest thing with atheists is the God they reject is not the one which Christians believe in. I have never met an atheist with a proper understanding of God.

I have been known to throw my arms around one of my children and hug them, without asking them for a hug.

In many workplaces it would cost me my job…

I don’t tend to view interaction with my family as akin with my interaction with my colleagues @BelfastBard

Go to church Op
Pray to God that your DH develops the gumption that will enable him to he sit down calmly with his mother and kindly explain that neither of you will be attending this Sunday, next Sunday or indeed any Sunday. However that doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to see her and spend time with her, just not at church.

so that this doesn’t carry on for another 4 years

This is so sanctimonious. I've been an atheist for a vast majority of my life. I've heard over and over from religious people claiming that they know what's in my head and heart better than me. I get why people are religious. I understand why they believe. I just don't and never will. I also will not be browbeat into attending church for anything other than a funeral or a wedding.

I am presuming that getting you into church is the first hurdle.
Once you have gone once then you have no excuse to not go again and again and then it will be a Catholic Church wedding followed by christenings for children etc etc

If you go once then you are on the slippery slope with no way to get off

Family experience of this.

Why would you deliberately choose to be preached at about a religion you don’t follow or believe is worthwhile?

I think the hardest thing with atheists is the God they reject is not the one which Christians believe in. I have never met an atheist with a proper understanding of God.

What a load of old cods.

I find your second comment a bit odd.
I'm an atheist with a very good understanding of Christianity and the Christian perception of God. (Theology degree helped with that).
You presumably are a Hindu atheist? A Sikh atheist? An Islam atheist? A disbeliever in Zeus or Ra or Odin? Someone who rejects Shintoism perhaps? How good an understanding of those faiths do you have in order to reject them over yours?

However I digress.
OP - you obviously won't 'catch Christianity' if you go to church occasionally to keep your MIL happy. I go to church every Sunday because I sing in the church choir - call me a hypocrite if you like - but I enjoy it and others appreciate what I do.

I've always reckoned that doing things that make other people happy (which to be honest are only at minor or no inconvenience to myself) are worth doing. So OP - in your position I'd go occasionally for you MIL's benefit.

If she’s a true Catholic, she won’t want someone to pretend they believe.

OP can show her respect in other ways. Surely, even if OP agreed to attend a couple of times a year, her MIL wouldn't believe that OP was now going to heaven?

What if OP was Muslim or Jewish? Would she still need to attend a Catholic church service for the sake of her MIL?

As demonstrated on another thread that is active right now, it could be the thin end of the wedge and MIL could start lobbying for a wedding in a Catholic Church, a Catholic christening for the any children OP may have, taking the children to church and insisting on them attending a Catholic school.

Non belief is a protected characteristic which OP's MIL should respect.

What a load of 💩.
We all have different understanding/interpretation of God.
This kind of supercilious attitude is why a lot of people hate Christians and people of other religious.
Just because I believe in God doesn't make me somehow more rational, omniscient, intelligent nor cognisant than an Atheist.

Invite them over for coffee? Take them to lunch? Have a picnic?

Why on earth do atheists need a proper understanding of a God that doesn't exist before they can say that they don't believe in God?

IME people that go to RC Church fall into different categories:

1. Those that believe and find it helps them with their faith, but don’t get involved other than turning up
2. Those that want their kids to get into the local RC schools (when these are perceived as better than the other local schools) and stop going once their DC have got their secondary school places
3. Those that practice performative Catholicism in that they get involved with running things in their Church and are in it for the prestige of attaining some kind of Papal award
4. Those that are really devout and want to help by volunteering with the running things, but regularly get ordered around by their performative peers to do all the grafting work involved

If you don’t recognise yourself in any of the above categories, just say No to your future MIL - and also make sure that you and DP have a conversation about what you will do about religion if you decide to have DC and then present a united front when telling her of your intentions in this regard - otherwise you’ll be in the same position as another poster this week who was complaining that her PIL were indoctrinating her toddler with god-bothering notions!

As you can tell, I have some history with the RC Church, so my cynicism comes from observation - which caused me to decide to stop going (because the observed hypocrisy was giving me murderous thoughts), and just work on myself, to be the best person I could be, mainly in line with my Christian upbringing…

@Apricotfuzz
I should have said - my post at 6.42 was in answer to your earlier post. Apologies - realised the quote had fallen off.

Most practicing religious people raise their children in their faith in the hope that they will continue to practice it. In some branches of Christianity it's seen as normal for young people to drift away from church as teenagers but come back when it's time to raise their own families.

I think your future MIL could be struggling with this not happening for her DS and this is why she's trying to get you to go to church. There's nothing wrong with attending the church services as a guest as long as you don't take part in certain restricted parts.

However I think it's important not to give this woman false hope. I agree with PP, it may turn into a case of you give a little and she demands more and more of you like a Catholic wedding you don't want or raising any children you may have in the faith.

Change it to a different religion eg Sikhism and see how it affects your response. I think I would go for the special services for her but not weekly. It obviously mattters to her.

She's being unreasonable trying to force her customs on to you. You understand that it's important to her, but she doesn't seem to have made any effort to understand that it's not something you want to do.