For refusing to go to Church?

[TheGreyPony]

Me and DP have been together for 4 years and are newly engaged.

My family is atheist and DPs family is catholic (DP is not practicing any religion)

DPs family go to church every Sunday and special occasions (Easter, Christmas…)

DP doesn’t go to church expect for on Christmas Eve, which is mother states is extremely important to her.

She has asked me every year if I will go to church at Christmas with them, and I explained me and my family have our own traditions and it’s not something I want to give up.

She keeps asking DP and I to go to church on a Sunday with her. She says how much it would mean to them, and how sad she is that DP doesn’t take his faith seriously.
DP genuinely just can’t be bothered to go, and i genuinely could not care less about Church or anything to do with religion.

I am not “anti-religion” I just don’t believe it in at all and do find the whole thing ridiculous (don’t worry, I’d never say that to his family) I worry she blames me for DPs lack of faith, but I also find myself biting my tongue whenever something good happens (like I get a promotion) and she tells me to thank god - because I think, I did that on own, not God.

AMBU for refusing to go? I know it’s important to her, but I just don’t like religion and I feel like it would be more disrespectful to lie.
Should I pretend, and go to church to keep the peace? Or be true to myself?

Exactly. I just couldn't sit there and listen to the readings and prayers. I would just hate it.

I think you have to realise that your future in-laws' religion is a large part of who they are. It is, in their eyes, a very positive part. By inviting you to share that part of their lives with you they are actually being very welcoming.
Because of her belief system your future mil will never stop wanting her son to go back to her church.
This really is up to your fiancé to address. He needs to talk to her and explain that you do not share her beliefs and ask her to stop inviting you to church. He needs to explain that you value your beliefs (atheism) as much as she does hers.
You both need to have a chat re wedding ceremonies and future children so that he can tell her from the start that you will not be getting married in church nor will any children be baptised. I expect that she will be sad but I'm sure she will get over it.

Plus if you live in an area where the Catholic school is the best one there will definitely be pressure to do the necessary things in order to get into that school. You may find your husband is suddenly much more interested ( or wants your children christened into the Catholic faith at birth.....just in case it's useful. Before you know it they'll be older and going to confirmation classes)

This is something I have found with a lot of religious people. They are unable to respect and understand others beliefs/nom beliefs. It’s their beliefs only.
as an atheist I respect others to believe what they want and to behave how they want. Thank god all you like for yourself. But I have noticed they are unable to give that same respect back. They often are judgmental and lacking that basic awareness that other opinions are valid too.
Be firm and ask her politely to cease and desist the constant requests. I wouldn’t as some have suggested go to appease her. What a waste of precious time. Church is only ever worth it if you are a believer.

I agree. You really need to sort this out with your fiance before you get married. He needs to speak to his mother and tell her that you will not be going to church because you are atheist. This is the easy argument. If you are persuaded to marry in a Catholic church your husband has to promise to bring up any children as Catholic. Going to church will be a slippery slope unless he lays the law down with his mother. Also, I did not go to church when I married, but I was surprised how much I did want my children to at least be introduced to Catholicism. Mainly because it's a huge part of mine (and their) cultural identity. I have gone back to going to church at Christmas and Easter. If DH and his family werent such strident atheists, I think I would go more often. I would never have contemplated this when I married 20 years ago.

@TheGreyPony What your partner's mother wants is irrelevant here.

Looking at the bigger picture for a second: if your DP wants a church wedding (or at least a blessing), you usually a connection to the church e.g. you were christened there, attend services there or it's your local church. You don't do a big declaration of believing in God; it's just a place where you can legally get married. So even though your DP doesn't really practice, it could be that she still attends for that reason and because her mum always took her. But going at just Easter/Christmas covers this. I am exactly the same - I go Easter and Christmas, and my husband came along for the few years we were engaged. He doesn't really believe in God. I'm a bit agnostic, but it felt weird not to have a religious wedding. We still do the midnight mass. Each to their own.

As for going every Sunday - tell your MIL that you won't be going on Sundays, ever. You don't even need to give her a reason. If she wants to show you off to her church buddies, she can learn to deal.

The important thing is to support your DP's choices, and try to balance them with yours -- and that your DP does the same back. That's basically what a lot of marriage is - just saying to your partner "I want to do this thing, I need your support to do that".

That means your DP sticking up for you when your MIL kicks off, and you going at Christmas/whatever if DP asks and says it's important to her. If your DP couldn't give a shit if you're there or not, leave it to her to deal with her mother.

So OP should go to church and pray to a God, she doesn't believe in, that her partner will develop the gumption to tell his mother that you are both rejecting Him, (and her wishes) and won't be going with her to church ?🤔

What sort of nonsense is that ?

Yanbu.
If any other organisation had a regular and recent history of child abuse by its staff, people would rightly boycot it. The Catholic Church should be no different.
I would not set for in one of those places and would tell my MIL exactly why.

No chance I’d go. I’d be a hypocrite. I don’t want a church service when I die either.

I think the op would be better to fall to her knees this morning at home and pray that between her and her dh they manage to get a backbone and stop the weekly pestering for the past 4 YEARS by explicitly saying “no to this Sunday or any Sunday. We will never be joining you BUT that doesn’t mean we don’t want to see YOU”

job done

but nope… start a mumsnet thread

You have taken my suggestion seriously 😂

It's polite to respond to an invitation and go once. She can introduce you to her friends.

After that, you say a polite 'no thankyou'

Oh I didn't know it was a joke.
OK. 🤔

You truly think I was saying the OP go to church to pray her husband gets the backbone to tell his mum they don’t want to go to church because they’re atheists

i mean….. 😂

The op didn’t mention that the mother’s motivation is to introduce to her friends. She doesn’t even mention friends.

@Eelqueen think the op would be better to fall to her knees this morning at home and pray .....

Who should she pray to? Beelzebub, Ganesh or maybe the Flying Spaggetti Monster ??

No it would not be. Most people don't believe the first time they go to church.

I don't know what you meant, hence the comment that it was illogical.

This will be about wanting a church wedding and any grandkids baptised. Stand strong on this one. You don’t need to be u kind just very very clear.

I do not believe in god so it would be disrespectful for me to go.
no I won’t be baptising my child, they can make their own decision as an adult.

Mainly because they are taken as children!

It is also polite to not keep badgering someone into doing something they don't want to do just to keep you happy. If the MiL wants to introduce the OP to her friends then there are other places to do that than church.

In that case she can be introduced at the Church Fete while the future Mum-in-Law is manning the Tombola stall.......church doesn't have to come in to it....

(Cross-posted with above post)

Not at all!

Most people go to church because they were invited.

I think you meant to quote the poster of the comment I was responding to

Please tell me you knew I was joking in that post? Please!