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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

For refusing to go to Church?

331 replies

TheGreyPony · 11/04/2025 20:14

Me and DP have been together for 4 years and are newly engaged.

My family is atheist and DPs family is catholic (DP is not practicing any religion)

DPs family go to church every Sunday and special occasions (Easter, Christmas…)

DP doesn’t go to church expect for on Christmas Eve, which is mother states is extremely important to her.

She has asked me every year if I will go to church at Christmas with them, and I explained me and my family have our own traditions and it’s not something I want to give up.

She keeps asking DP and I to go to church on a Sunday with her. She says how much it would mean to them, and how sad she is that DP doesn’t take his faith seriously.
DP genuinely just can’t be bothered to go, and i genuinely could not care less about Church or anything to do with religion.

I am not “anti-religion” I just don’t believe it in at all and do find the whole thing ridiculous (don’t worry, I’d never say that to his family) I worry she blames me for DPs lack of faith, but I also find myself biting my tongue whenever something good happens (like I get a promotion) and she tells me to thank god - because I think, I did that on own, not God.

AMBU for refusing to go? I know it’s important to her, but I just don’t like religion and I feel like it would be more disrespectful to lie.
Should I pretend, and go to church to keep the peace? Or be true to myself?

OP posts:
DollydaydreamTheThird · 11/04/2025 22:30

TheGreyPony · 11/04/2025 20:14

Me and DP have been together for 4 years and are newly engaged.

My family is atheist and DPs family is catholic (DP is not practicing any religion)

DPs family go to church every Sunday and special occasions (Easter, Christmas…)

DP doesn’t go to church expect for on Christmas Eve, which is mother states is extremely important to her.

She has asked me every year if I will go to church at Christmas with them, and I explained me and my family have our own traditions and it’s not something I want to give up.

She keeps asking DP and I to go to church on a Sunday with her. She says how much it would mean to them, and how sad she is that DP doesn’t take his faith seriously.
DP genuinely just can’t be bothered to go, and i genuinely could not care less about Church or anything to do with religion.

I am not “anti-religion” I just don’t believe it in at all and do find the whole thing ridiculous (don’t worry, I’d never say that to his family) I worry she blames me for DPs lack of faith, but I also find myself biting my tongue whenever something good happens (like I get a promotion) and she tells me to thank god - because I think, I did that on own, not God.

AMBU for refusing to go? I know it’s important to her, but I just don’t like religion and I feel like it would be more disrespectful to lie.
Should I pretend, and go to church to keep the peace? Or be true to myself?

Never ever change who you are and your values to please other people. If you weren't an atheist and were Jewish/Hindu/Muslim she would not be mithering you to go to Church. If that was my MIL she would be getting told. Have a good think about how this is going to pan out now you are engaged. She is grooming you for a church wedding in a catholic church. Before you know it you'll be having to go to church every week so you can have a church wedding. Stand firm now and tell her firmly you don't want to go to church now or ever.

ErrolTheDragon · 11/04/2025 22:33

cariadlet · 11/04/2025 20:37

I would tell that you're not going because you don't have any religious faith and you find it very disrespectful for non believers to attend an act of worship.

And maybe add, if she continues to hassle, that it’s disrespectful for believers not to accept that other people think differently to them.
The respect nearly always seems to be in one direction, doesn’t it?

Tomatotater · 11/04/2025 22:33

TheGreyPony · 11/04/2025 20:32

No she’s asking both of us to go

Show quote history

Just because she is asking you both to go doesn't mean you both have to go. Just say 'I'm atheist but your DS is welcome to go with you if he wants'. Is he allowing his mum to assume you are stopping him from going because its easier than having to tell her he doesn't want to go either? We are the other way round. My Mum thought my DH would just change his mind ( even though he comes from a long line of atheists and was brought up atheist). We did marry in church and my children are baptised though ( wedding for family, baptism because I did actually want them baptised)

JorgyPorgy · 11/04/2025 22:41

MagnoliaPeonies · 11/04/2025 20:41

If it's the same situation as with my MIL then it's because she's proud of you, she talks about you to her church friends and wants them to meet you.

This is probably it, go once or twice a year to do something she likes to do

Tortielady · 11/04/2025 22:42

I'm not an atheist, nor a particularly good agnostic - I've too much of an attachment (albeit non-practicing) to the faith I grew up in and for that reason I won't enter any religious building for the purpose of worship unless it's a synagogue. Churches, chapels, mosques, gurdwaras etc are not my place of worship, they belong to others, just as Old Trafford belongs to Manchester United. I visit other people's special places as an invited guest at christenings, weddings and funerals and in the case of minsters and cathedrals, as a tourist, but I'm very conscious that they're not mine.

By the same token, I'd be very angry and defensive if someone tried to bounce me into attending an act of worship with them. It would suggest that they had no respect for me or what I believed in. The fact that you don't have an alternate religious belief system you can flourish under your FMiL's nose doesn't make her behaviour any more acceptable. You don't want to go to church and pretend to believe things that have no meaning to you. That should be enough for her.

SoMauveMonty · 11/04/2025 22:45

Your right to not believe in god is as valid as her right to believe. Don't ever feel obliged to do something you're uncomfortable with for a quiet life, because sure as eggs is eggs you'll comply with her 'church on Sundays' wish then she'll move the goalposts and it'll be she wants you to marry in church, have your children baptised.....

SpottedDonkey · 11/04/2025 22:50

YANBU. And you have a lot more tact & patience than me. In your position, I would have shut this religion nonsense down a long time ago.

One of you needs to explain to her, very clearly, that you are not religious, that you won’t be going to church and that the situation isn’t going to change, so she needs to drop the subject. Obviously, it’s much, much better if your DP delivers this message. So you should tell him that this has gone on for long enough, and that if he doesn’t speak to her, you will. And that would be a bad outcome for everyone.

Disneydatknee88 · 11/04/2025 23:04

Stick to your guns. I was raised in a Christian household and forced to go to church until I turned 18. My mum has been trying to recruit me back ever since. I caved at the odd special occasion (out of guilt) but everytime, was so pressured to come back to the "light side". Never again. I won't even step foot in a church for a carol service at Christmas these days. If you have no interest in the religion, what is even the point? She can think you are led her son astray all she wants. You know that isn't true. Don't even entertain the idea. You are absolutely right to continue to politely decline.

singlewhitetrashheap · 11/04/2025 23:06

It sounds like it's time to be blunt. Religion is patriarchal bullshit designed for control, and too many people are still falling for it.

Ponderingwindow · 11/04/2025 23:10

You are not unreasonable to skip church.

are you and your dp planning to have children? If so, you need to get on the same page before conceiving. This kind of pressure from his mother now means things are likely to get worse if there are grandchildren involved.

valentinka31 · 12/04/2025 00:31

If it means nothing to you and means the world to MIL, personally I would think ok that's fine I'll go then. I don't think it's a bad thing and DH hasn't been traumatised by it, just can't be bothered.

So I'd say let's make the effort and go once a month. See it as a family gathering/act of love.

HereintheloveofChristIstand · 12/04/2025 00:33

I am a churchgoer and I agree with you. I wouldn’t want to force anyone to come with me - if they wouldn’t get anything out of it there is no point.

GiddyCrab · 12/04/2025 01:11

outerspacepotato · 11/04/2025 20:32

Tell her no and to stop asking.

This.

Marsyoungersister · 12/04/2025 01:54

BacktoBeginnersFran · 11/04/2025 20:42

And will she expect any children you have to be raised Catholic? You need to make sure your fiancé is on the same page as you here too!

This seems a very similar thread to another one that's running at the moment
In that one the atheist partner agreed to a Catholic Wedding and a Catholic Christening to keep the Catholic Grandma happy.
Now they couple have got into a situation where they can't move without upsetting someone.
If you both want a God-free existence, then you need to make that clear and get married in a Civil Ceremony and have a Baby-naming Ceremony not a Christening.

Marsyoungersister · 12/04/2025 02:08

valentinka31 · 12/04/2025 00:31

If it means nothing to you and means the world to MIL, personally I would think ok that's fine I'll go then. I don't think it's a bad thing and DH hasn't been traumatised by it, just can't be bothered.

So I'd say let's make the effort and go once a month. See it as a family gathering/act of love.

I'm a practicing Catholic and would say a big fat "No" to this.

Start as you mean to go on and tell her it's not happening. Otherwise it's the 'thin end of the wedge' and she'll keep pushing.

So, no Catholic Wedding, no Catholic Christening and no enrolling her in a Catholic School.

Overtheatlantic · 12/04/2025 02:39

She wants to show you and her son off to her church friends. I used to get this from my dad. Sometimes I would throw him a bone and go, but mostly not. Try not to over think it, OP. There are so many parents the world over who do this to their children.

Lampzade · 12/04/2025 02:50

mumofoneAlonebutokay · 11/04/2025 20:45

You have his kids, he'll suddenly find religion and you'll find the pressure to take them to church ramped up girl 😬

This
Your dh may be ok with not going to church now but when the kids come along it may be a different story .
I know many people who did not practise their faiths but changed their minds when kids came along
Dont be surprised if your dh decides that he wants his kids to get baptised and attend a Catholic school .

Lampzade · 12/04/2025 02:52

Marsyoungersister · 12/04/2025 02:08

I'm a practicing Catholic and would say a big fat "No" to this.

Start as you mean to go on and tell her it's not happening. Otherwise it's the 'thin end of the wedge' and she'll keep pushing.

So, no Catholic Wedding, no Catholic Christening and no enrolling her in a Catholic School.

Show quote history

I agree
Op, I am a Christian and I also think that you better nip it in the bud now

WaryHiker · 12/04/2025 02:57

If your fiance can't find his spine now and tell her it's never going to happen, you have more problems ahead of you than you realise. And don't think that she won't secretly have your children baptised. I've known of several grandparents who've done that!

RawBloomers · 12/04/2025 03:04

If she has been trying for 4 years and is still asking now, I tend to agree that going will embolden her and you’ll find an increase in pressure to attend services, get married in Church, Baptist your children, send them to Sunday School, send them to a Church school, etc.

If you can put up with the regular ask without snapping, I would just smile and say something along the lines of “It’s not my thing, MiL, but DH is obviously welcome to go anytime.” (yes, I realise not MiL and DH yet).

If it’s irritating you so much you’re going to snap at her at some point, I would be telling DH he has to have a word with her. What she’s doing is pretty rude.

Codlingmoths · 12/04/2025 03:17

Growlybear83 · 11/04/2025 20:47

If you’re an atheist it would be very hypocritical for you to go to a church service.

It is not hypocritical to stand in a church and respect others beliefs. Obviously you wouldn’t be standing there saying ‘I believe in god the father the almighty… ‘
that said of course the op shouldn’t go. But she should say earnestly I would never stop dh going. Serve him right for not standing up for his wife with his mum 😁

Comtesse · 12/04/2025 03:42

Keep saying no. You are going to have some big dong dongs about a church wedding, no doubt. What she is doing is very rude.

Hold the line (as a fellow heathen)!

Comtesse · 12/04/2025 03:46

valentinka31 · 12/04/2025 00:31

If it means nothing to you and means the world to MIL, personally I would think ok that's fine I'll go then. I don't think it's a bad thing and DH hasn't been traumatised by it, just can't be bothered.

So I'd say let's make the effort and go once a month. See it as a family gathering/act of love.

But it’s not really the equivalent of going round for Sunday lunch every weekend. It’s an act of faith, a spiritual practice. This is not just a neutral “act of love”.

And nagging OP about coming on a regular basis knowing she doesn’t believe in any of it is not an “act of love” either, far from it.

Thunderpants88 · 12/04/2025 04:03

Tell her when she comes to an atheistic retreat you will attend a church service

Miniaturemom · 12/04/2025 04:11

I’m a big believer in each person deals with their own parent when if comes to contentious issues. I don’t like organised religion and I would politely stick to my guns in your shoes. If you decide to have children it will be a whole new level of pressure- really can’t stress that enough. Christening, confirmation, choice of school… You say she means well generally but it’s actually really disrespectful to be this pushy. It’s like she’s saying your world view is wrong.