For refusing to go to Church?

[TheGreyPony]

Me and DP have been together for 4 years and are newly engaged.

My family is atheist and DPs family is catholic (DP is not practicing any religion)

DPs family go to church every Sunday and special occasions (Easter, Christmas…)

DP doesn’t go to church expect for on Christmas Eve, which is mother states is extremely important to her.

She has asked me every year if I will go to church at Christmas with them, and I explained me and my family have our own traditions and it’s not something I want to give up.

She keeps asking DP and I to go to church on a Sunday with her. She says how much it would mean to them, and how sad she is that DP doesn’t take his faith seriously.
DP genuinely just can’t be bothered to go, and i genuinely could not care less about Church or anything to do with religion.

I am not “anti-religion” I just don’t believe it in at all and do find the whole thing ridiculous (don’t worry, I’d never say that to his family) I worry she blames me for DPs lack of faith, but I also find myself biting my tongue whenever something good happens (like I get a promotion) and she tells me to thank god - because I think, I did that on own, not God.

AMBU for refusing to go? I know it’s important to her, but I just don’t like religion and I feel like it would be more disrespectful to lie.
Should I pretend, and go to church to keep the peace? Or be true to myself?

My Nan used to ask me and DB to go as she liked to show us off to her friends! Also meant we had reference points when she was talking about so and so with the Dr son, twin grandkids, dodgy hips etc!

Yes this. You're not Catholic and don't believe in God so the invite is just polite to not exclude you.

Still I said YANBU to decline. I doubt she's bothered about you coming but would be very bothered about her son coming.

I would think you very unreasonable to try and stop your DH from going to church with his mother but you don't seem to object to him going.

I'm sure she doesn't blame you for your DH's lack of faith.

MIL needs to butt out now. She has no business interfering in the lives of other adults, regardless of their relationship to her. And it doesn't necessarily need to be in regard to religion either. She can do her thing and others can do theirs. That is fair and reasonable. Why does religion turn some people into bossy zealots?

I'm the biggest atheist you could hope to meet.
If I liked my MIL I'd go with her. But then I love a good church service with a big of singing. You don't have to pretend to believe or anything.

So

You and DP put your heads together and work out to to get a back bone between you

4 years of this 😂

“No thanks Doreen, I’ll catch fire”

Keep digging your heels in @TheGreyPony DO NOT BE BULLIED by her. She sounds insufferable, and she is trying to convert you. Don't get involved with the Church. Once you're in it's really hard to leave, and the people you thought were friends in the Church will ignore you in the street when you leave. I have seen it happen.

Also, you're a non-believer, and your DP sounds like one too pretty much. And that is your right (and his!) Keep grey rocking your MIL, and changing the subject, and tell your DP to tell her to stop nagging and whining and begging you to go because it's not going to happen.

Not gonna lie, you have my sympathy marrying into this family, with a mother in law like her. 😬 If you DO marry your DP, I would consider moving 200+ miles away!!!

Yes but is the risk of this that MIL will feel emboldened to keep up the pressure? Unless this was phrased very carefully like this is a one-off? OP has said MIL wants them to attend weekly which is quite a commitment for an atheist! OP can could always join a choir if she wants a good sing.

Another thread where the responses are testament to the dire standard of reading comprehension on Mumsnet.

That's funny, because my brother is a committed atheist, and he would rather stick pins in his eyes, shit in his hands and clap, and swallow ground glass than set foot in a Church service. No matter how much anyone mithered or begged or whined, he would NEVER go.

Yeah this. The OP absolutely must NOT go.

This is about you having kids. She will want them raised catholic. Your DP needs to have the conversation with her now and make clear you wont be getting married in church or baptising any kids , if that’s the case, don’t let it drag on causing upset.

It's a shame she's so pushy but maybe you're being too stubborn too.
I would go to the place of worship of a different religion as a once a year thing for in laws. But then doing anything out if respect for in laws is not fashionable these days.

If you're afraid she will then push for. More, I'd be upfront and say "I'm happy to go once a year with you but please respect my wishes by not asking further".

If your DH doesn't want to attend at all he's the one who needs to have the chat with his mum.

As an atheist I couldn’t sit in a church for any reason, however ‘nice’ the person pressuring me is.
It isn’t something I could ever countenance - religion is not a benign force in my book. OP might feel the same.

Just keep saying no and let your DP do whatever he wants to do, whether that's attend to keep the peace or tell her no as well.

It's annoying, being bagered about doing something you don't want to do, but it's just a case of saying no thanks every time.

Say you'll go then as you approach the church shout, "No mummy no!" And start floundering around.

Practising Catholic here- we welcome everyone but I don’t think it’s considered a good idea to go to Church just to appease one’s parents/in-laws. Sort of misses the point of Church altogether.

I dont do religion, I respect those who do but expect them to respect that I do not. The older I get, the more I see churches as a money making scheme. My PIL attended church several times each week, visited the sick and elderly, carried out church duties as a sidesman and treasurer etc etc. When they became too ill to attend, nobody bothered to visit apart from the person who popped the collection envelopes through the door each week and knocked to collect them until we started to put them in the bin after we found they were donating a lot of money each month and they were too unwell to answer the door. Nobody bothered to visit when they moved into a care home. My FIL died recently, it was a church funeral. I read a poem, did not sing or pray but was respectful. I escaped the church without shaking hands with the vicar because they did not know my FIL and added bits to the eulogy which they felt were appropriate. They also charged to put the heating on! I attend church weddings, funerals and christenings rarely but when I do it is out of respect for the people requesting my attendance and nothing more.

I am a non churchgoer but would call myself religious. I think you are being more respectful of her religious beliefs and of religion in general by refusing to go to church and play pretend. If she raises it with you directly, that would be my approach.

It’s almost as though atheists simply didn’t believe in gods and had practically nothing else in common with each other.

Hell no

Stop being so polite. Tell her you think the whole thing is an anachronistic combination of wishful thinking and fear of death,

Does the church ever host any community events that aren't "acts of worship"?

If so, I think it'd be a nice thing to do to offer to go along to some of those with MIL, from time to time, without actually having to go to any services. Not that you should feel obligated even then, but it might build (or shore-up) some bridges without requiring you to pretend you're interested in the faith itself.

Think about this, OP.
I am not saying this is definitely true in your situation, OP, perhaps you are not even planning on having children.
But sometimes, people that grew up in a religion, and then don't follow the religion/practice the religion when they are adults, they find that when they eventually have children, they want to go back to the religion, they become more religious, they might want to start practice the religion.
There might be a feeling of "I want my children to have the same up-bringing as I had".

I have seen it happening to a friend of mine, her husband was not religious, but went back to the religion of his childhood when they had kids. Now the whole family is religious, my friend too. It was non-negotiable for the husband.

This might not be the case for you and your fiancé, but I wanted to write it anyway.

I wish you all the best!

Its a very fair point and worth giving thought to.