For refusing to go to Church?

[TheGreyPony]

Me and DP have been together for 4 years and are newly engaged.

My family is atheist and DPs family is catholic (DP is not practicing any religion)

DPs family go to church every Sunday and special occasions (Easter, Christmas…)

DP doesn’t go to church expect for on Christmas Eve, which is mother states is extremely important to her.

She has asked me every year if I will go to church at Christmas with them, and I explained me and my family have our own traditions and it’s not something I want to give up.

She keeps asking DP and I to go to church on a Sunday with her. She says how much it would mean to them, and how sad she is that DP doesn’t take his faith seriously.
DP genuinely just can’t be bothered to go, and i genuinely could not care less about Church or anything to do with religion.

I am not “anti-religion” I just don’t believe it in at all and do find the whole thing ridiculous (don’t worry, I’d never say that to his family) I worry she blames me for DPs lack of faith, but I also find myself biting my tongue whenever something good happens (like I get a promotion) and she tells me to thank god - because I think, I did that on own, not God.

AMBU for refusing to go? I know it’s important to her, but I just don’t like religion and I feel like it would be more disrespectful to lie.
Should I pretend, and go to church to keep the peace? Or be true to myself?

The first time most go to church is as a child

are you genuinely saying otherwise?

My apols for not recognising a bit of satire....😊

Forgiven

I went to church many a time as a child (and Sunday School).....I'm almost 60 now and still don't believe in any of it.

She says how much it would mean to them, and how sad she is that DP doesn’t take his faith seriously. You'ddo it if you loved me type language.

This comment has me saying stick to the guns with no and don't budge because this is verging on manipulation, and after a church visit its a quick fall into "you went last time", then its all the discussions about how hurt she will be if you're not married in a church, and then itll start again when it comes to christenings, and its a life of pain.

She needs to be told in no uncertain terms by DP.

Your non belief is just as important as her belief so I actually think she’s incredibly rude & disrespectful to even ask.

So why go? 🤔

Wouldn't you be more gainfully employed washing your car or mulching your roses on a Sunday morning?

You can spread a lot of horse manure in 2 hours with better results. Your garden would be fertile even if your mind isn't 😆

“No thank you” IS the polite response to this invitation.

Most of us as children don’t have much power re what we have to do on a Sunday morning

The best response would be “I respect your beliefs too much to go and pretend I believe”. It will probably infuriate her, because she can’t criticise it as a response, but you still get what you want without saying anything that could reasonably be wrong rude or unkind.

@toomuchfaff She says how much it would mean to them, and how sad she is that DP doesn’t take his faith seriously. You'ddo it if you loved me type language.
This comment has me saying stick to the guns with no and don't budge because this is verging on manipulation, and after a church visit its a quick fall into "you went last time", then its all the discussions about how hurt she will be if you're not married in a church, and then itll start again when it comes to christenings, and its a life of pain.
She needs to be told in no uncertain terms by DP.

As a practicising Catholic there is nothing I would like more than church attendances to swell. But cajoling, manipulating, and otherwise pressuring people over this is non-productive and just builds resentment.

People come to things in their own time (or not) as the case maybe.

Is this an Irish family we are talking about, as they can be very pushy? That was my experience when I lived in Liverpool.

I think its sarcasm

OK.

Surely, if OP's future MIL is desparate to introduce OP to her friends, she organises a social occasion, not involving a religion that OP doesn't believe, so that OP can meet them in relaxed surroundings that don't make her feel uncomfortable or that there is a hidden agenda.

Erm because 7 year old me didn't have much choice in the matter. I also didn't have a car or access to horse manure.

In a very similar situation but twenty years down the line. We only go maybe once a year because it's something his parents are very passionate about. Luckily his mum sings in a choir so we effectively go to listen to his mum sing. I have no issue with anyone's religion but equally I have absolutely no interest myself. My husband basically couldn't care less. I will however voice my opinion if it is suggested that I should be thankful to god if something has gone well. It amazes me that if something devastating has happened the god subject seems to go mysteriously quiet.

Bit of an odd one this.

fine, you’re asking her to respect your beliefs and traditions. But you aren’t wanting to respect hers?

also as many have said - if you have kids, your partner may then feel called back to the faith - are you happy with your kids being raised catholic?

just go to mass. They are often beautiful and the homilies are relevant to everyone imo. It’s an hour out of your life. Plus it’s Holy Week coming up - a poignant time of newness and renewal.

for context - ex atheist, then agnostic, about to be baptised and confirmed catholic. So I’ve been through it all

😆

I think the OP’s thread should be in relationships and should be…

“For 4 years my MIL has been pestering us to come to Sunday church. What can I do to get my DH to square up to this and finally be unambiguously direct with her”

It is a spineless dh problem

OP, stick firmly to your position.

My friend humoured her MIL once or twice and then was hassled about a church wedding.

She had a falling out with her fiancé when it then became a big church wedding, that she had specifically said she didn't want.
She called things off as she said this was not going to be her life.

She would not be baptising children to humour his mother, and if things weren't clear now there was no point going ahead.

They were split up for a few months as she was genuinely put off.

They got back together through his perseverance.
Small registry wedding and a simple lunch.
Lived in a town and did not accept a site from his parents.
She ended up having a really good relationship with his parents, as did her children, when everything became very clear that she would not be dictated to.

It will not end with a few masses on Sundays.
One funny thing that she pretended she didn't see was her MIL used to put "holy" water on her babys every time they visited.
She knew she meant well and never commented on it.

I think it is respecting her MIL to be's beliefs by refusing to play pretend. I also don't think you are giving your advice from a place of disinterestedness.

@Eelqueen It is a spineless dh problem

This ^ with big brass knobs on.😁

I do think there is a difference between not doing something because you don't believe in it and someone respecting that, and getting someone to actively do something they don't believe in.
I agree with you that OP needs to talk seriously to her DP about this, but I think giving in and just going once or twice is giving a false impression that the OP may be open to getting married in church and baptising any children.

Genius response.

fine, you’re asking her to respect your beliefs and traditions. But you aren’t wanting to respect hers?

Why does “respecting her beliefs” require active participation? I bet you wouldn’t think it reasonable for OP to push her MIL to attend a talk held by Richard Dawkins.

I respect the right to vote how you like. But I won’t be voting Tory next time as a sign of respect for people who do. Why is this any different?