To hate school holidays

[ghostface99]

It’s just so draining.

Dh works full time and needs reminding it’s actually the holidays. Wouldn’t think to take time off unless prompted. Certainly hasn’t got the gumption to come up with any ideas for activities or days out. Will participate if I arrange but never suggests anything himself.

Eldest is almost 13 which is a tricky age because he’s too old for the kid friendly activities we used to do but also isn’t overly bothered about making his own plans with friends either. Left to his own devices he’d just sit on a screen for two weeks which isn’t ideal.

Youngest is 3 so also dealing with toddler tantrums, tiredness and challenging behaviour there.

There are no breaks. I’m constantly thinking of ways to keep both kids entertained and fed. I would love to just have a walk by myself but there’s no opportunity except for when they’re in bed by which time I just want to fall on the sofa and rot.

Add to this the doom scrolling of everyone else on holiday or expensive days out and I just feel shit. I would rather be at work. And then I feel guilty for feeling like that too.

It’s just endless pressure to the point where I feel quite anxious and stressed. I know people will say just let them chill at home. Do baking. Be in the garden. Let them make their own fun but it’s not like that. We all just sit in different rooms, usually on a screen of some kind.

I wish we could go away but we can’t afford it. I’m just sick of everything being on me and feeling like I’m failing all the time.

I must say I don't understand why your children are all on screens if you don't keep them " entertained". Why on earth would a 3 year old be on a screen?
Don't they have toys and books? construction toys? Painting and colouring stuff? Don't they do imaginative play?

I read something online which I'm finding helpful in my everyday life which is that, when you're overwhelmed with things to do, stop making lists and either decide you're going to do things or not. So if you're going to let your older one sit on screens all day, do it and feel no guilt about it. He'll be back at school in a couple of weeks anyway.

Otherwise, I'd put the older one to work to some degree. Give him jobs and take him shopping in the morning to help choose meals. Tell him he can choose some stuff at the supermarket and he's in charge of dinner that evening. If the older one is not arranging anything for himself, I'd also just take him along on trips out for the younger one but try to choose stuff that there's a chance he'd enjoy too - so a museum with a little kid's bit but also that he can explore by himself, a park with a skate park or BMX track, an adventure playground that's good for older kids as well.

Does your older child not do sports? Are there no fixtures or training days for him to do?

As for going for a walk - leave the three year old with the thirteen year old and go out.

What do you normally do on the weekends? Each day doesn’t need to be a trip out, but you can start with a walk/bike ride (do you have a seat for your youngest?) and then take it easy - read, re-organise bedrooms, draw. Holidays at home feel more relaxing as you have no travel stress!

I bloody love school holidays.

No school runs, school admin, specific uniform that needs to be washed and ready by a certain day, no homework that needs support.

I have always loved school holidays from when the DCs were very young - the stress at that age was organising our leave and other childcare but once that was done and the holidays arrived it was great.
We rarely holidayed abroad when they were little - not much money and I didn’t find taking young children and all their paraphernalia on a plane and to a foreign country remotely enjoyable.

Now they are teens, it’s even easier.
I appreciate your age gap makes it tricky.

Where do you live @ghostface99 ?
Lots of free and cheap activities if you can access London. PPs may have suggestions for more relevant locations.

I felt the same as you when my kids were under five OP. The constant need to be ‘on’ and entertaining. I felt it helped to get out of the house. Could the 13 year old be left behind while you do some activities with the 3 y old? A beach trip can be something that keeps all ages happy.

The teen should be helping and contributing more. Surely he can watch the baby while you walk or take a break.

At that age I was reading, doing crafts, etc.
Set a daily limit on screen time.

We have a similar age range (have 4 kids) and agree the age difference makes it difficult to find things that suit everyone! I find outdoor things good but we definitely just try and take it easy, relax and not need to rush around too much

I completely understand. Especially the fact that your husband doesn’t come up with any ideas for the family to do. More mental load and it’s totally draining.

Are there any local sports camps the 13 year old can go to?
Can your husband take a day off? Ask him to sort out a day with the family.

There is still a whole week left of holidays, you can’t be miserable for the whole thing. You and your husband should come up with a plan for the rest of the holidays, it’s not all on you. Get the 13 year olds friends round?

Dont underestimate the importance of going outdoors in this great weather. Bike for the eldest and a big walk out to a new park or National Trust place.

I get it it’s not easy being the fun maker, feeder, entertainer and memory maker when your husband just thinks to work and leaves the rest to you.

We’re not all away on holidays - stop looking at instagram and comparing. You’ll feel better.

Go out once a day but it doesn’t need to be expensive or involved. Do you live near a country park where eldest can go off on a bike? Or drive to a nearby park so he won’t risk being embarrassed being seen out with his Mum, but still gets a walk in the fresh air? Go to the beach, a picnic, take out a football?

Get DH to take eldest out to your nearest city for the day and do a museum, show, whatever he’s interested in, while you take youngest to the local library or free museum? There’s often craft activities on at this time of year.

National Trust places are doing Easter egg trails. Can you go to a swimming pool and all have a fun swim?

Your problem isn't things to do, it's the age gap. That makes it tricky trying to find activities which suit both children equally. So don't, or at least limit the activities you have to come up with. Spend a little time with each child individually while the other either tags along (in the case of the younger one) or stays at home/ in their room. Shopping day with the oldest, or play a co-op game together, play a more grown-up board game, build a technical Lego set, have a Nerf gun fight, build an outdoor den. Crafts with the youngest, some reading, colouring, games.

You don't have to fill every minute of their waking day. One thing each day, or every other day, is fine. The bits in between? We do "family reading time" where we all read our own book for a good half an hour to an hour, on the sofa, together but each doing our own thing. We have time where we hang out together but still have me-time (youngest can do a puzzle while oldest draws and I might be casually working). We have mummy time where the kids are in their rooms for a bit while I get a rest. We have garden time. Cooking time. Walking in the park time. There are great play parks that cater for all age groups. Or go swimming and ask your son to invite a friend along - let them go off on their own while you stay with your youngest.

The teen should be helping and contributing more. Surely he can watch the baby while you walk or take a break.

hard disagree it is not his problem! School holidays with 2 kids is not the time for ‘me time’. When DH gets home absolutely get out for a walk/run/gym/meet a friend but you can’t take time off and expect a teenager to entertain a sibling.

Can you sit down with the teen and work out a few things he wants to do? Any museums, beach trip, have some mates round etc etc. if you have a few busy days it’s ok to have some chill days at home although I’d put some kind of screen limit on and watch what he’s doing!

The issue really is the big age gap and there’s not much you can do about that. There’s not much a 3 year old and early teen can do but that’s your choice at the end of the day and you need to crack on!

Screens have not been around since the dawn of time. Other ways to entertain children, or indeed, to entertain themselves, existed before screens and continue to exist.
But you also need to have a strong word with your DH

Get them out. The weather's been lovely. I've got a 14 year old, an autistic middle one aged 10 and a 5 year old. I won't let the older boys stay on screens all day so out we go. I've got NT membership do we pack a picnic and get out. Sometimes we stay in and I try to let the screen guilt go and get on with laundry. Or gardening because that makes me happy.

My eldest goes off on his bike with friends sometimes but not every day.

Can you do a park)fun place with a friend for eldest one day?

Get your eldest cooking/baking?

I did get frustrated in Feb half term as the weather was crappy so I was less motivated to seize the day but we've got out loads this hols do feel better for it.

Your husband needs to do more. Why do you have to wait until they're in bed to go for a walk by yourself? Presumably your husband finishs work at some point and doesn't work 7 days a week?

What would happen if you told him this weekend (or whenever his next day off is) that you need him to entertain the kids - and actually take them out, not let them languish at home whilst he ignores them, so that you can have a few hours to yourself? Actually mean it then fuck off out yourself somewhere for a walk/coffee/meal/whatever takes your fancy

Also second a national trust membership depending on where you are (or English heritage may be of more interest to your teen again depending on location?)

Why doesn't DH take any time off? I don't get enough leave to cover all of the holidays without DH taking any time off.

I agree that your age gap is very difficult. Do you know any of DS1's friends' mums? Could you invite friends over for him?

I agree with trying to get out every day, even if it’s just to the park or for a walk. I can quite easily get into a bit of a funk in the holidays where I feel overwhelmed (kids are 9,4 and 11 months) and we can’t afford to do expensive days out. My husband is working full time to so it’s all on me until next week when we are away luckily. We went out to parks Monday and Tuesday, had a day in on Wednesday where they decorated biscuits and then yesterday went to a free museum and yet another park!
I do appreciate though that my eldest is still that bit younger so it’s easier for him to still join in. But mentally I think it does help to try and get out. Don’t compare your holidays to everyone else’s, it’s easy to post pictures and make it look lovely when in reality they are probably dealing with the same crap in a different location!

Your DH is missing out on the best times with the kids. My dad thought he’d dodged a bullet with my mum at home in the holidays and him at work. only when he had GC that he realised to late he’d missed out.

Could you get him to write the holidays into the family calendar and then there’s no excuse he didn’t know when they are and just book a few days AL where he plans what he would like to do.

I take mine out for a few days just me and the DC. Love going as a family but also love my dad days. It’s just realising it’s enjoyable and not a shit way to use up your AL.

That's a big age gap to manage.
And probably feels like your raising two only children rather than siblings.

I'd be tempted to go on days out to parks etc and see if you can take a friend along for the oldest. So in theory they'll entertain each other.
Letting you concentrate on the youngest.

But I do get the issue.

We’ve done the park and plenty of dog walks. Visited the library. But these things take up such a small pocket of time then inevitably we end up back home with hours to fill and yes my dc do play, but tend to end up back on screens.
But we do get out it just always feels like a mission with one moaning tween and one difficult toddler. The age gap really is the root of the issue too and I feel like I have very little help.
Dh has time booked off next week so hopefully things will be a bit easier then. I just dread finding ways to constantly fill the days. The guilt, the tiredness, the relentlessness and the comparison. It’s tough.

I agree with pp who suggested 13 year old should very occasionally help with 3 year old. Surely families help each other? And it’s good for older children to help out a bit. Not constantly but for a couple of hours here and there; it’s just part of family life.
that age gap is tricky, OP. Can you/13 year old organise a friend to come over for a few of the days? And limit screen time to an hour or two a day. Do you have space for a basketball hoop in the garden? Table football table somewhere? If you take the screen away they will find something!
agree pps suggestions for dividing the day.

What hobbies does your 13 year old have? If they’ve given them up what did they used to do?

Can you go to the pool? Your son could invite a friend? Then a picnic or back home for lunch and a movie?

The age gap is a killer. It’s hard enough to get young teens interested in something without having to wrangle in something for your pre-schooler. I have a 12 and 13 year old. I don’t try to fill their days on holiday. We’ve had a couple of days out to the beach, I’ve been catching up on spring cleaning and sorting the garden and they’ve been helping. We have a dog that needs walking so we’ve all got out in one combination or another every day, done some baking and both kids have helped with cooking.

Yes they’ve had screen time but that’s how they keep in touch with their friends. Were away for the weekend but it’s been a pretty chilled week with lovely weather.

I love the school holidays but do understand what it’s like when you can’t fill the days.

I’ve stopped trying to do multiple fancy activities. They have play dates some days, other days it’s a dog walk or a trip to the park. Some days it’s some screen time.

I tell them it isn’t my job to ensure they aren’t bored (they’re older than your youngest) and let them get on with it. We have screen time limits so they need to find themselves something to do.