To not want to date men who earn less than me, even if they’re kind?

[RealPlumEagle]

I’ve worked hard for a certain lifestyle and I don’t want to feel like I have to downgrade. It’s not about love, it’s about compatibility. AIBU or does that make me a snob?

Well yes.

But the OP started an AIBU about rejecting men based on having a lower income than her, which is why I asked if she'd think it reasonable for men to reject her for the same reasons.

It's always fine to have whatever requirements and dealbreakers you want in a partner. None of us owe anyone a romantic relationship.

It would be wise however to be prepared for the possibility that this may reduce your pool somewhat. Depending on what else you have to offer, it might reduce it to a smaller size than you're happy with. Or possibly not, it's impossible to say on the information provided. And only you can decide whether you'd prefer to compromise on that aspect or miss out on a relationship that would otherwise make you happy. No right answer.

I'd also say that if this is your line in the sand, own that. Don't end up in a relationship with someone who doesn't have a particular quality that you want and end up resenting them for the choice you made.

That's fine if you never want kids but if you do it's much better for them to have a dad who treats them kindly.

Totally makes sense OP, but just think if that's the most important compatibility.
I was reading on here the other day about an OP who didn't drink much and was thinking of ending her relationship because he drank too much in her opinion.

Or what about social expectations, do you both want to travel, or have kids, is family important, sex drive etc?

You want what you want, you don't need to defend that, just make sure you're not losing out in other ways.

And good for you in achieving what you have, I get you want to protect it.

You seem to be reading a lot of your own things into this. It’s not “either / or”.

But for a lot of (sensible I would argue) people love is not enough for long term partnership. Shared values and outlook matter too.

I don’t think it’s about putting a number on it, it’s about alignment. I’ve worked hard to build a certain lifestyle and I’d want a partner who can comfortably share and contribute to that. That could look different depending on the person and their circumstances but compatibility and effort matter more to me than any one figure.

I agree OP. In my youth I may have been (and was) more flexible, placing less emphasis on the financial aspect, but in my 50s I don’t want to have to adjust my lifestyle downwards anymore. I had a long relationship where the family level of spend was geared to my lower earning partner, so holidays were on the cheap, all ikea furniture instead of the odd quality item etc. If I wanted something more expensive, or simply meals out in nice restaurants on holiday, I paid for it myself, which then led to resentment on both sides (more on his than mine).

Much better to have the same expectations and the same ability to pay. I don’t live a flash lifestyle, but I work hard and like a little luxury now and then. Also someone more or less at the same career level who understands that in certain roles the odd late night at the office/calls all hours might indeed be necessary.

@JHound is correct and I’m not sure what your argument was - as they said it’s clear OP isn’t forcing men who are far wealthier than her to date. She may want to but they’re obviously entitled to look for women who earn similar the same way she does . And they may and will also exclude her and other women for a variety of reasons, everyone has different preferences and standards.

Also no it’s not just about “the dollar” OP later said : I don’t think income is the only thing that matters, it’s just one factor among many. If someone truly had all the qualities I value - emotionally mature, driven, respectful, aligned values - I’d definitely consider the bigger picture

I don’t know why people are so quick to assume that money is the only thing someone cares about if they mention it’s important to them? If a woman said she only dated men she finds handsome or taller than her does that mean she only cares about that qualities? Or even someone who drives? Obviously not!

That makes sense in theory and yes, two incomes combined can create a great life. But for me, it’s not just about the total number. If one person is consistently earning less and that leads to tension over spending, priorities, or lifestyle choices, it can affect the dynamic.

It’s not about looking down on someone, it’s about wanting to feel financially equal and not have money become a point of strain or compromise. That’s what I meant by downgrade - not their worth but how it could impact my day to day life.

It’s weird the traits that get people in a tizzy and the ones that don’t.

You can say you only want to date intelligent or well read people and that’s fine. Or even want a mutual attraction and that’s fine. But say you want somebody in your pay bracket or high and that’s bad. Despite finances being so important.

And if OP wants a traditional family set-up where she focuses on the domestic sphere and he is focused on earning then obvious his financial earnings capacity becomes more important.

I can understand you being used to a certain lifestyle and not wanting to downgrade but life is so changeable you really never know what it's going to hand you. I'm together with my husband over 20 years and our job situations has varied so much. We went from me him learning a trade and me being in to college, to the market crash and him losing his job and me being a high earner. He went back to college and got a degree, we both were high earners, then life happened and I'm only able to work part time now. Through it all my husband was a kind, honest, funny, decent, dependable human. If we lose everything I'd rather it be with him than anyone else. He values me now as much as when I was the only person working and I him. It's up to you what's important in a future partner but money won't guarantee you a better life.

I listened to a podcast recently with Stephen Bartlett discussing men and women within relationships. One of the comments made was about the data showing that attractive/financially viable women on dating sites were going for the top tiny percentage of men available. So huge amount of women competing for one or two men. The criteria was high earning, over a certain height, physical attractiveness etc.

Men on the other hand were much less bothered about earning potential and were focused on looks primarily.

So you are in the majority OP.

I was asking because most high earning career think like you in their 20/early 30, ( it’s very common) then by mid thirties, still haven’t met their perfect high earning mate and the chances of them doing this are getting rapidly slimmer and slimmer as every year goes by until they must either make a decision ( if they want children) to (a) lower their expectations / list of criteria and open themselves up to meeting men who earn less than them but at this stage a lot of the lower earning good catch men are now gone and looks are dwaning (b) keep pursuing the high earning men who are at this stage looking for women who are younger than them

Beware that this mindset is quite common but doesn’t always work out well for women

Example: Miranda and Steve in Sex and the City, Miranda was a high earning Lawyer n mid thirties, still single in mid 30s and wanted children, wasn’t getting the high earning men she wanted so ended up with a Barman (not dissing bar men) as she couldn’t hold out any longer and wait for the high earning man as if she did that she would possibly have lost the ability to have children

As I said there are risks to having this mindset and I know women who are single and childless because of it

Theres absolutely nothing wrong with wanting a lifestyle that requires a certain amount of wealth to achieve and maintain, and not wanting to give that up isn’t the weird moral failing it is often presented as.

I wasn’t interested in dating men that weren’t in a similar financial position to me, either. Financial compatibility is important. Financial stress is one of the leading causes of relationship breakdown, so imo it would have been foolish of me to not make money a factor for fear of being seen as ‘shallow’. Is it a guarantee for the future? No, but that was no reason to start myself off at a disadvantage.

It’s also not an ‘either/or’, where you can either have someone kind/intelligent/whatever quality that isn’t financial OR someone comfortable/solvent/wealthy.

I had no problem with this narrowing my dating pool. I would have rather have remained single than compromised things that were important to me 🤷🏻‍♀️ Dating isn’t an equal opportunity endeavour, you don’t owe anyone access to you.

I think it's easy to talk about 'lifestyles' and 'values' when you have a decent income. I used to earn a pittance and lived in a shitty, tiny flat and worried about whether I could afford the rent. I was still a decent person with good values and would give money to charity and family when I could.
Thanks to DH I no longer have to worry about money, and like to think I'm still a decent person with good values, who gives money to charity and family when I can. But actually, given my income I give less of a percentage away now. I'm more selfish than I was before and can fritter away money without thinking.
Having a decent 'lifestyle' doesn't mean you're a good person.

This is a fair point and though I don’t reflect on it the reality is if I was in a long term partnership with a man I earned significantly more than (not happened to date) then I would need to be prepared to significantly change my lifestyle. Not everybody wants to do that.

Oh goodness I lied - while not a long term partnership I have dated men I outearned. Ironically it’s always them that took issue with it but maybe I would have done too had we lasted longer.

You're not being unreasonable but things change over time. When I met my partner I was the higher earner. 10 years on, he now earns double what I do.

I think it is work ethic and long-term life goals, including career ones, that need to be aligned.
Life stage and wealth (rather than just income) also important considerations.

It really depends on what you consider as earning less than you.

If you earn £80k but will not date someone earning £75k, then that is unreasonable.

If you earn £80k then its understandable not wanting to begin a relationship with someone earning £30k, you are not going to be able to have the same lifestyle or do the things you are accustomed to and it would be too early to have shared finances.

It also depends on whether you are also talking about initially finding a partner. Will stand by this viewpoint if you are in a long term relationship or marriage, and your partner losses their job due to redundancy, long term sickness/injury and could not return to a job with the same salary?

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable.

I was in your shoes in the past. I dated a man who made significantly less than me. I owned my own home, car etc and could afford to have spontaneous breaks and holidays, had excess cash to enjoy meals out etc. on the other hand he pretty much lived pay check to pay check and was in a minimum wage job with no prospects, he was happy with his life how it was. We got on amazingly well, he had all the qualities I looked for etc but when it came down to it our lifestyles were too different.

I was becoming increasingly resentful of the fact he couldn’t come along to various things or even a spontaneous meal after work.

this just made me realise I need to ensure we have similar lifestyles from the start. I’m not saying it can’t work but the person earning more either has to accept that their partner wouldn’t be able to join them for certain things or cutting back themselves on things they enjoy.

I’m not saying income alone defines someone’s values but in practice, how someone handles money often reflects things like ambition, discipline, priorities and how they see their future.

If someone earns less but has a long-term mindset, is financially responsible and wants the same kind of life I do, that’s different from someone who earns less and doesn’t think beyond next week.

So for me, it’s not about judging a number, it’s about what that number can sometimes reveal when it comes to shared values and lifestyle compatibility.

I think it depends on if they have a provider mind set!

I listened to that and was not surprised to see Stephen Bartlett giving space to incel rhetoric which has long been shown not to be true.

(In fact the OK Cupid data shows the opposite to be true and everybody who dates men knows they are equally as selective as women - when it comes to long term mating (not just sex).

So, everyone who is calling the Op shallow etc - did you or your partner not have any standards/requirements regarding looks /figure/heights when dating?

And even if not do you judge the many people who do have those requirements, the same way as you judge the OP for having income requirements?

Would you say “oh you shouldn’t care if she/he’s unattractive to you , as long as she/he’s kind or else that means you’re superficial?

what I find interesting is most men (at least men of a similar age to Op) by and large loudly and proudly go for women they find attractive. Their fellow men are not telling them to not to be shallow, and disregard how pretty or not they find the woman or how attracted they are to her body. Men will happily announce a woman’s beauty caught their eye.

But there’s all this hand wringing when a woman wants a man to be able to afford a similar lifestyle to her? I don’t understand it.

OP, you don’t need permission from anyone but I would not make the same choices as you. I have earned more than my DH for most of our marriage. Initially there was a very large gap and this did put pressure on me to keep working long hours when our children were little. He has now caught up and is close to matching my salary. What mattered to me was that he was a match for me intellectually and socially and he was ambitious. Neither of us come from money but I started ahead of him because of my profession. I am really pleased with the choices I have made. There is something uncomfortable to me about measuring a person based on what they earn at a particular point in time. It feels shallow and overly simplistic.

I think it is actually about age.

DP and I have been together for 15 years since uni. In that time we've taken turns out earning each other and being unemployed. As things stand I earn more than him by about £500 pm but once he finishes his qualification he'll catch up again.

When I was young I was broke and looked at whether I liked a person rather than their income.

I am now in my 30s with children and a mortgage and income DOES matter and if I was single now I wouldn't be dating people who earn significantly less than me.