To not want to date men who earn less than me, even if they’re kind?

[RealPlumEagle]

I’ve worked hard for a certain lifestyle and I don’t want to feel like I have to downgrade. It’s not about love, it’s about compatibility. AIBU or does that make me a snob?

Not to mention that many of these men have no business passing on their genes/being fathers in the first place. The standard for men is generally in hell. Yes it is sad if a woman doesn't get to have the kids she wants but why why why is it considered the better option to choose a poor father for your children then not having them at all?

I outearn my DH about 9 to 1. Never been a problem. His flexibility has counted a lot, and he is very present for the kids. I'd a million times rather have that than have both of us stressed out high fliers and have to outsource childcare etc.

Well clearly what’s fine for you is not fine for OP. And I am sure vice versa.

I wonder though if men willing and able to be the primary carer and doing as much as women in the same position are just as rare as very high earning men! The men I’ve seen who earn less than their partners are resentful, still believe house chores are wife work and not so as much in the home or with the kids. I think it is a rare thing to find a man like yours! I’m envious.

My DH used to tell people he married me so he could be a kept man (jokingly, I don't have the drive to do the hours needed for most high high paid jobs, like my down time too much). He loves the fact I used to out earn him and probably will again one day if I decide to go back at it full time.

He genuinely doesn't care which of us earns the money or which of us vacuums the house. As long as there is money and the house is in a reasonable state.

Men like it exist, it's just whether they are also what the high flying woman is looking for, cos when I met my DH he'd been made redundant twice in a year and was working cash in hand to get by.

My DH and I earned almost exactly the same when we met. When married almost 3 years later he earned a bit more than me. Then each year he gradually got paid more. I was a secondary teacher HoD but my salary was limited. He got 2 or 3 promotions and each time his salary grew higher than mine. I inherited and invested in property. Over time my properties have appreciated plus I get the rental income. Now we're both retired he gets a much bigger pension but my rental income means I get more overall than DH does. I think it makes things easier if both earn similar. We both pay the same amount into the joint account and always go halves on family holidays. We save jointly both paying in the same amount of money each month. We spend our own spending money differently though.

Per the data, when the woman is a high earner she takes on even more of the domestic load.

I am sure men happy to be the home maker exist but I don’t think they are as common as some MN claim. A lot of high earning women will have stories about their partners actually being resentful and feeling emasculated and that has been my experience.

But for example she could earn 100k with 30k of expenses per year. Yet she'd turn down a man earning 85k with 10k expenses per year. So although he's a lower earner he'd actually have more spare income.

OP, if you hope to have a family you are right to want a partner with a decent salary.
There are often threads on MN where women are the birthing work horse who goes back to work quickly to pay the bills.
While their partner is a low income BMD (bare minimum dad) who would like to work part time if at all, whilst doing fxxk all house work etc.

An absolute nightmare that they bitterly regret.

You are right to be cautious.

Honestly, I think hard and fast rules about dating are a bad idea. But then I've never done OLD so I guess that makes a difference. But I always think people just focus on the wrong things. I've known people to say they wouldn't date someone shorter than them. But to me that just seems completely mad. How does that matter?!

When it comes to income, I'm not sure how you are knowing for certain how much someone earns. It's not the sort of thing people discuss. People lie. You might know if they are in a minimum wage job I suppose. I would want some kind of equilibrium on income to be honest. I don't think I'd feel comfortable dating someone earning significantly more than me either.

Sounds very formulaic OP
you could miss out on something wonderful if the only colour you see is the colour of money.

Given the results of this poll and what we know from real-life experience — why would men actively advocate against the gender pay gap unless they’re in well-paying careers where they have little to lose personally?

It’s really totally up to you but would you prefer to be alone for the rest of your life or date/marry someone you love who makes you laugh / you have common interests with / who you literally love and feel is your soul mate?? I know what I’d choose, and we have an amazing life because we’ve built it together.

I have drilled in to my kids - marry somebody kind. You can influence and control a lot eg what you earn, where you live, your education etc You can discuss better paid jobs and help someone see themselves able to get a better paid job. You can’t make somebody kind. If you are going to be with this person for 50 years or more you need them to be kind and care about your happiness as well as theirs.

Imagine if a man wrote this …. OP I’m sure there will be men out there who feel your attitude towards dating someone who has to afford you the same lifestyle fine - but I think majority would be majorly turned off. I would be irked. Obvs you can set out as many rules as you like etc - date who you want to date. Good luck!

Not everyone wants dating to lead to a longterm, financially entwined relationship.

This is nonsense.

The OP is quite clear that she just doesn’t want to downgrade her lifestyle in terms of activities, holidays, etc.

The nitpicking in this thread over numbers and hypothetical future scenarios is ridiculous. She said “date” not marry.

I am currently sat in a four-star hotel in central London, had dinner at Rules last night and several luxury experiences planned for the next few days. My SO is out walking in Kensington Gardens and is fully on board with all of the splurges.

The chap who can only manage a Premier Inn in Birmingham with a pub lunch might be a perfectly fine man, but after a lifetime of working that’s simply not for me. I prefer a partner who, like me, doesn’t need to be so budget conscious.

He is an absolute diamond

But the "earning" isn't what makes that possible. It's the disposable money, the attitude to finances and interests that need to be the same.

I can "manage" the activities in London you're talking about. I don't enjoy those things, so the fact that my income matches what a potential date is after doesn't matter. Because that's not the lifestyle I enjoy.

Luckily, DH is the same. Because we looked for shared interests, values and common goals rather than a certain bracket of income.

So true and why many women are opting out of having kids all together. I don’t want to be a workhorse doing everything. Most men when they earn the same if you still do less chores! Honestly if I can’t have a partner that adds something to my life I’d rather be single. I never understood why that was a bad thing. I’d not settle for a partner I don’t find attractive either - for me there is no point. That seems to offend some women as much as the OPs desires. We have the right as men or women to date who we please even if that means we don’t find someone. Better blessed singleness and peace. Those who do not want to be single have the choice to settle.

Probably rarer than a diamond at this rate and yet if one wants an emerald instead they ought to go for that. I think he is great but it fine for OP not to want that. I don’t think we are all happy with the same circumstances.

It’s not that simple though. I chose a partner with a similar financial position so that I can go and eat ceviche in Peru with him rather than have a picnic in a local park. Nothing wrong with the latter but I did that when I had less disposable income than I do now. We went halves on a campervan and love those holidays. It’s about having the experiences you want, and some of those cost money.

‘Earning’ used in this context is shorthand for that, surely? Not necessarily the right word to use, but her meaning is still understood.

It’s fine that you don’t enjoy those types of things, but OP does, and as such only wants to date men that have the disposable funds to be able to do them without her having to be the only one footing the bill. Sharing interests isn’t enough if only one person can afford them.

I also think it goes without saying that she would only want to date men that have the same interests.

Nope. Disposable could be the same if you're earning vastly different but your outgoings are also opposite ends of the scale.

50k a year is earning vastly less than 100k a year. But if the 50k earner has no housing costs (let's say inherited a house) and the 100k earner has a 3k a month mortgage/rent going out, their disposable is similar.

So putting a bracket on "earnings" doesn't always work. It would make more sense to look for shared interests and the ability / inclination to fund them.

And I used the fact that my interests differ because that reduces my inclination to fund those lifestyle choices, despite my income giving me the ability.

Imo that’s needlessly nitpicky, as I doubt OP is unaware of any of that.

It’s obvious, to me at least, that OP means she wants a partner that wants and can afford to do the same things she wants and can afford to do. As such, she’s not going to date men that can’t.