To not want to date men who earn less than me, even if they’re kind?

[RealPlumEagle]

I’ve worked hard for a certain lifestyle and I don’t want to feel like I have to downgrade. It’s not about love, it’s about compatibility. AIBU or does that make me a snob?

Do whatever you want, you don’t need permission. I will just say that circumstances can change, people can lose their job or get sick. You may need to one day face the reality that someone you truly love may not have the financial backing you desire.

Not sure snob is the right word. Shallow, yes of course.

no, it's your choice.

I think any inequality in earnings is a spark to ignite discordance in a relationship. That said it’s perhaps no bad things in the early days as unfortunately often women’s pay stagnates as mens accelerates so can lead to more equality in a family.

my partner and I earned roughly the same til his career took off as I had kids. Now he earns more and although I do insist he does at least some school runs no way does he do half.

Well I think it's about degrees and compatibility. I know it's rare but I have 2 good friends who married lovely guys who were prepared to be SAHD and that has basically elevated them in their careers(one MD in banking, one partner in magic circle law) because they've never had stress of childcare/ mental load etc.

It makes me think the men who aren’t rich enough for you dodged a bullet, put it that way

YANBU. My DH wasn't a big earner when we met (20s) but he was ambitious for himself and worked hard to maximise his earning potential. He is very committed to giving his family a good standard of living and ensuring his DC have a work ethic, ambition and a responsible role model.

My partner and I have swapped being the top earner many times throughout our life together. It makes no difference. All our money goes in one pot, it really doesn't matter which one of us earned it.

This. It shouldn't matter.

I don’t care whether someone is ‘kind’, tbh. I mean, it comes way below ‘clever’, ‘interesting’, ‘articulate’, ‘widely-read’, ‘funny’ etc on my personal chart. And no, I don’t want to fund someone else, either.

Absolutely agree with you. If you are in a position of choice, choose affluence, every time. It’s just better.

You can choose to date whoever you like and for whatever reason you like - I honestly believe that. As long as you don't mind that you might be saying no to a good guy.

You can date who you want, as long as they are adults. You don’t need to justify your choices to anyone.

Lots of men only want to date someone of a certain age, height , weight, ethnicity etc which have nothing to do with lifestyle. And it’s even more common to have preferences about things like religion, education or having children, which do have a big impact on lifestyle.

Would you date someone who earns more than you? If you would then you are a hypocrite but I wouldn’t call you a snob

What’s hypocritical about it? The OP has said she doesn’t want to compromise her lifestyle for the sake of a lower earner. A higher-earning partner gets to make his own decision about that — it’s not her call how someone else decides.

I would think it would depend on where their money is coming from and where is is going to. Eg. Someone who inherited buckets if cash and spends their life unemployed and spending all of their money on drugs would bore most people who want to be stimulated intellectually, even if on paper they can keep up with your lifestyle.

Conversely, someone who earns very little, but uses their time to upskill themselves and has ambitions to flip houses may be poor on paper now, but could suddenly springboard to financial success in 10 years time.

You could be missing out on someone amazing.

The definition of unreasonable is expecting more from others than you give.

You obviously expect them to date someone who earns less than them. And is stupid.

If you were in a position of authority and wanted to deny healthcare, education, housing, or other public services to a group of individuals based on income or perceived earning/spending power (or perceived social class, which is not the same thing but which is more likely to get you judged as a "snob"), then there would be an issue. But no one is entitled to be in a romantic relationship with you; you are perfectly free to gatekeeper your personal life however you want.

However, if you're the kind of person who wants to be in a long-term romantic relationship, is challenged to find a suitable partner, AND talks about this state of affairs a lot, you may find your friends and family pointing out that you might be missing out on someone great by setting such rigid standards. But it's still completely up to you whether you keep those standards or adjust them.

That's probably fair.

But, I mean, different people like and value different things.

If OP's question boils down to whether it'd BU "...to not want to date men who I wouldn't be happy with" then the answer, obviously, has to be no, it would NBU.

This might well make OP someone whose likes and values would not be to e.g. your or my tastes, and that's also NU.

Really? You'd rather have an unkind partner who is widely-read than a kind partner who doesn't read a lot?

If that's what you want it's your choice.

Personally , I've never been driven by big money when dating as long as solvent and hardworking. However, I wanted someone educated, clever, and interesting as well as kind. If they were self motivated to learn was fine but I wanted someone with ideas and principles. Some thought that was snobby but so what? I wouldn't be without DP.

Surely it depends on your life stage and what you want to do in the future?

If you’re in your 40’s, perhaps you don’t want to date someone in the same age group who’s a low earner and unlikely to increase their earning power. But if you’re 25 and meet someone of a similar age who’s currently burdened by student loans, for example, but smart and ambitious, they could be in a very different position in 10 years.

DH and I are in our 50’s and have outearned each other at various times, it’s not been a straight trajectory.

I don't think earnings equal equality as I have dated men who have earned more than me and don't have there shit together or don't own a house like I do or have large amounts of money going out on child maintenance or a lots seem in debt from divorce.

This, can imagine will be hard to find a man with your exact salary! As of course you won't date someone earning more than you@RealPlumEagle ?