To not want to date men who earn less than me, even if they’re kind?

[RealPlumEagle]

I’ve worked hard for a certain lifestyle and I don’t want to feel like I have to downgrade. It’s not about love, it’s about compatibility. AIBU or does that make me a snob?

But the OP wouldn’t want to date them in the first place. They’d not be compatible. It sure limits the dating pool.

So OP, you meet the dream partner, your goals and ambitions align as do your salaries. then.... one of you has an accident and can no longer work, one of you catches a debilitating disease, has a nervous breakdown etc. these things happen, not to all couples but they happen a lot. what then? do you abandon them, stick it out, what? Would your response depend on how long you had been together, whether finances were entangled, children etc? Most people it has to be said do marry within their class (for want of a better description) they go to hobbies with similar minded and educated people, they mix in the same sort of circles. so naturally yes you do gravitate towards someone that is similar to you. But not always. and what about falling in love? where does that come in.

What do you earn? How much do you expect a partner to earn? This is important to decide whether YABU and/or realistic.

I was married for 20 years to a man with no ambition who was chronically underemployed. I earned at least twice what he did throughout our marriage. It was often difficult for myriad reasons.

Because of that, I don't want to date a man who earns a lot less than I do. I earn six figures, which makes me an outlier financially, which I understand. But I want a man that I don't have to support financially. So I kind of get where the OP is coming from, although I'm open to someone who earns less than I do.

DH definitely earned more than me when we got together, I was fresh out of university and in my first job after graduating - a case of getting any job available and temping for a year after moving to London, plus I was five years younger. 25 years on I out earn him by about 40%, should I move on?

I think what is important is a similar work ethic and attitude to money- actual earnings may differ.

Eh?

OP has just said that she does not want to date men earning less. Not that every single wealthy men should be forced to date her.

Some wealthy men won’t want to date a woman who earns less. Many others will not care and have other things they exclude women over.

And yes it reduces her dating pool but every single dating dealbreaker, preference, boundary reduces ones pool. Her decision to reduce her pool in this way is her own affair.

But if our incomes are so different that it affects what we can do together or how we approach money, then that can create tension.

So you'd think it perfectly fine if a man were to reject you on account of you having a much lower income?

Not a snob, but it all depends on what you earn and why you consider it a downgrade - surely yours and his salary combined will just make it an ‘upgrade’ even if he earns less?

So love never comes into it, sickness. None of that, just the dollar. Got it.

This is COMPLETELY different than deciding who to pick to begin with.

You're missing the point OP is making (deliberately I suspect)

No, not a snob, you have the right to choose, your choices will limit the chance to meet someone special.

So if they're clever and funny and well read, they can be horrible to you?

Kind & nice should be the top things anyone wants in a partner. Because the way they treat people... that's what you'll live with forever.

Men can reject her for whatever reason they want.

Someone who's clever, articulate, funny, etc., but unkind sounds like the ultimate bastard. A combination with strong potential for ruthlessness and cruelty.

I get why you’re asking and yes I’m in that age bracket. But I don’t think wanting compatibility in lifestyles and values is something you outgrow. If anything, it becomes more important over time. It’s not about age, it’s about knowing what works for you.

I wouldn’t judge you at all for wanting someone who is a high earner or earns the same as you. I can understand why it is important to a lot of people.

I will say that I had a friend who only wanted to date men she perceived to be on the same level as her career/finance wise (she is a high earner in law).

She was never really able to “click” with anyone as, in my opinion, she was prioritising the wrong traits in a partner. We’ve lost touch though, and I do hope that has changed for her.
Incidentally, I prioritised intelligence, kindness, empathy and ambition (not money focused necessarily ) when I was looking for a serious relationship - and I feel like that worked well for me personally. He does happen to earn more than me, but it wouldn’t bother me if he earned less. He’s a really amazing partner and dad.

I agree with narrowing down to a few traits or values that are important to you when dating, you need to be aware of what you’re really looking for in a partner, IMO.

Also, being a high earner today doesn't mean you will always be so. Companies go bankrupt, people lose their jobs, the employment environment changes. With the rise of AI, whole professions which might be lucrative today could cease to exist.

One thing I liked, and still like about DH, is that his calves are more muscly than mine.

I've always had a well-turned calf and, while it wasn't an absolute requirement in men I dated (or I would have been limiting myself a lot - most men have quite skinny legs, even when they are otherwise attractive) I did notice the favourable comparison. 😅

Don't marry for money but make sure there is plenty around.

You'll find it doesn't matter what the income is. People's approach to money is their approach to money.

You could meet someone earning three times what you do, but they're a proper tight arse and won't spend anything, so the lifestyle is different. Or someone earning less who is way too happy to put things on credit, so your lifestyle is the same but your stress is different.

Look for people with the same values, not the same bank account. Then when you stick all your money in the marital pot, it won't matter if you earn 90% and them 10%, or 70/30 or 50/50. You'll be working towards a common goal of your life together.

I always earned more than my DH, perhaps 50% more - mine was commission and bonus he had to work more hours to get overtime. However in time he out-earned me by becoming self employed and his skills were in demand so he could effectively name his price, particularly if he did not want the work the price went up eg 5x for a bank holiday.

I think it is their work ethic that counts, to try hard, take opportunities and to earn respect in their job as opposed to the actual ££ they earn.

I don't think anyone would disagree about the importance of "wanting compatibility in lifestyles and values". But how is having similar earning power at this point in time an indication of someone's 'values'?

I don’t think income is the only thing that matters, it’s just one factor among many. If someone truly had all the qualities I value - emotionally mature, driven, respectful, aligned values - I’d definitely consider the bigger picture.

That said, in my experience, big lifestyle differences can create friction, especially if you’re constantly adjusting or compromising to close that gap. So while it wouldn’t be a hard no, it would be something I’d pay attention to early on.

AIBU or does that make me a snob?

Snob? No. Gold Digger? Yes.

Harsh. She's earning, she's not looking to be paid for.