To not want to date men who earn less than me, even if they’re kind?

[RealPlumEagle]

I’ve worked hard for a certain lifestyle and I don’t want to feel like I have to downgrade. It’s not about love, it’s about compatibility. AIBU or does that make me a snob?

It wouldn’t matter. She can fund her own lifestyle, she wouldn’t need his money.

You can have whatever preferences you want.

As long as you don’t get mad at people for not meeting your preferences / whine constantly that you are finding it hard to meet people then I don’t see the issue.

I see preferences as personal.

I have two friends who refuse to date men without degrees. Seems mad to me but it’s their life, their rules.

As somebody said to me a long time ago: there is nothing wrong with a woman / man deciding they would rather be single than taking up one of the options available to them.

Basically you think the man should be the breadwinner and as a woman you should not be able to earn more than a man. Fair enough, it's been a widespread belief which is partly why women in general earn less than men.

@RealPlumEagle What if they have a “steady” career like the Civil Service, nursing, teaching, etc.? They’re never going to make a really high salary, but they earn a reasonable salary.

I’m not digging at you, just wondering how you feel about those types of careers.

This is apples and oranges. Walking away from a life you've built together having been committed for probably years because your partner has fallen on hard times or is in ill health, is totally different than choosing not to start a relationship with somebody in those circumstances from the start.

Financial compatibility is important to harmonious life. It isn't just current salary though, it's attitudes to spending and also previous and future earning / wealth.
There are so many posts on here about the challenges of this. But people are also different to is will matter for some but not others.

in hindsight I think I was a bit naïve about it, and has caused problems. E.g.:

• Earlier earning or inheritance can mean one has savings / house deposit whilst the other has nothing
• Someone who is a 'live for today' spender vs someone more cautious with money.
• A wealthy background can mean one is used to one way of living vs a less wealthy life being used to live frugally.
• Some want to pass money on to children / set them up in life. Others don't.
• Add into the mix future earning / inheritance potential, aims for SAHP vs working, and unknown illnesses can always appear.

It is complicated, but I do think a common approach / mindset to money is more important than the current earnings.

But he might not want to date her as the lower earner. Not compatible are they. He’s probably worked hard for his lifestyle too and she won’t be able to keep up.

This can be a major issue when it comes to parenting. Women end up as default parent. If they are earning more that can be a problem. If a woman’s salary is paying the bulk of the bills, what happens when she is on maternity leave or wants to be a SAHM? I couldn’t have been with someone whose salary didn’t enable me to take a year off. We earn a similar amount and pooled finances to be able to save towards that year, but it was my husband’s salary that paid the mortgage for the bulk of that year until he took a few months of paternity leave. If he had earned less than I did, we’d have struggled. Nothing sexist about it.

And that would be his choice to exercise, as is the case for OP.

They really aren’t. They maybe civil but true kindness isn’t actually that common. How MN constantly post stories about selfish lazy husbands / partners.

I don’t expect someone to be at the peak of their earning power straight away but I do look for indicators of drive, direction and ambition.

It’s not about someone needing to be ultra-wealthy right now, just that we’re on similar paths and want a similar kind of life. Compatibility isn’t just about what you earn today but also where you’re heading.

And that’s his choice. If she meets someone who is fine with it, what’s the problem? It has nothing to do with compatibility.

If you are a very high earner, this way of thinking can severely limit your options though and also very high earning men don’t actually want partners at the same level as them as it emasculates them ….therefore it can mean a mismatch in what you want and what is available to you

There us also a lot of competition from other women for high earning men so that is also SF one thing you will have to contend with

You could be limiting your options so much that you could possibly end up single or else meet your perfect high earning match to late to have children

Just things to consider

Same. As a young woman I did not think about a “kind” partner. Experience had taught me it’s hands down the most important quality a man can have.

I think some posters are being a bit obtuse. It often happens if a poster isn't painfully modest about money, achievement, weight or looks. If course she doesn't mean a date must earn the same as her, not a penny more or less, but in the same bracket to afford the same lifestyle, or as she says, same trajectory.

I don’t have an issue with careers like teaching, nursing, or the CS at all… they’re incredibly important jobs. For me, it’s not about someone having a flashy title or being in a high-earning industry, it’s about whether our lifestyle, values, and long-term goals align.

If someone in a steady career is financially stable, driven and values similar things… amazing. But if our incomes are so different that it affects what we can do together or how we approach money, then that can create tension. It’s really more about compatibility than job title.

And if he does not want to date her that’s his choice. OP has not argued that wealthy men be forced to date her.

The vast majority of people think they are kind, because they will occasionally do something for someone else when it comes in their way and costs them nothing.

I think mis matches in most areas of life can be reasons for non compatibility, finances are no different.

I worked really hard at school, graduated from uni and quickly got promoted. I fell in love with a guy earning NMW and no ambition and spent my mid to late twenties with him. Me resenting him for not being able to go to nice restaurants etc and him resenting me when I went on nice holidays with my equally high earning friends. Disaster.

@RealPlumEagle That makes sense and yes, I’ve certainly found that compatibility in values is ultimately more important.

You’re entitled to date, or not date whoever you want, for whatever reason. BUT I think that if you met someone that you really liked enough, then surely is wouldn’t matter if they ticked all of the other boxes, but just earned a bit less than you?

It doesn't make you a snob, OP.

I've always earned more than DH, and that's fine as we've been together for 20 years and are a team. We met as students and have formed our life together. (Although I can't lie, it's caused me some resentment at times).

But like hell would I want to financially supplement a new guy, who doesn't have a shared history with me.

Are you in your twenties / early thirties?

They really are. It’s a fairly common trait. I don’t mean that people are saints. I mean that basic consideration and concern for others isn’t a rare thing.

I feel that you can have pros and cons when thinking about a potential partner, but surely if you liked someone enough and had a real spark then it would have to be something really serious to be a deal breaker