To not want to date men who earn less than me, even if they’re kind?

[RealPlumEagle]

I’ve worked hard for a certain lifestyle and I don’t want to feel like I have to downgrade. It’s not about love, it’s about compatibility. AIBU or does that make me a snob?

Have you got a bit of internalised misogyny in there OP? By that I mean that you perhaps view a man earning less than you, rather than it being your success, it's that he isn't up to scratch. A man should earn more than a woman and so they're less than you if they don't, right?

He could be just as successful but in a lower paid industry, or be driven in other ways. How well do you have to get to know someone before you find out how much they earn anyway?

And have you considered that he could earn loads but is in debt or pays lots towards his children so has no spare cash for luxuries vs someone who earns less but has loads of savings and liquidity?

And what if you get a high earner and he loses his job? Marching orders?

Your life your choice of course, but maybe think about what your real agenda is here in case you end up turning down a good one for some misplaced perception about standards of living.

Jeez, some of the replies you're getting OP.

I don't think it's shallow at all. You've worked hard for your lifestyle and you need someone who matches it.

I would want to compromise my lifestyle to fund a low earner either.

This exactly. Men and women have various preferences, some of these matter less or more to different people. And that’s ok. Each to their own!

I don’t see why this is any more superficial or shallow than say a man - or a woman for that matter - saying they want a partner who is slim/tall/pretty/handsome??

I have a friend who ain’t bothered about money, but is more bothered about looks/height. I am less bothered about looks/height - especially height - and more fussed about career/income etc.

Neither is wrong we just have different priorities.

OP, YANBU!

Personally for me as someone who earns only just a little above average but has potential and plans to earn more I would want a man earning the same or more than me but if I was earning like 6 figures I wouldn’t mind it he earned say 20K less.

So it all depends for me - but you do you. We hear so many issues on MN with women subsidising lower earning men.

It is important that (unless disabled) a partner has a full time job which they take seriously and try hard at. But what it is does not matter.

If you are both earning, two minimum wage jobs are enough to afford food and bills, which I would be quite happy with IF it was with the perfect man for me. But if I was planning to have children, it may be that one person on a slightly higher salary is an advantage.
If you want to be richer than the bare minimum, that's fine and your choice, but be aware you might be overlooking the love of your life.

I'm grateful my DH isn't money-obsessed like you, because if he'd rejected me based on my lower salary, we would neither of us be so totally completely happy.

This

The vast majority of people are ‘kind’.

It's probably the best way to avoid a cocklodger though.

It's not shallow or snobby. It's sensible. You have a vision of how you want your life to be, as we all do. Financial security, the ability to make choices about housing, health, the food you eat, the culture you enjoy, the places you get to visit, how many children you have (if you want any at all), if you want pets, if you want to maintain your lifestyle into retirement etc, these are not shallow things. Wanting to find a partner who shares these goals (or whatever your goals are) and has the financial means to contribute at least equally to that shared lifestyle, is not shallow.

Not sure why everyone is saying "but you'd date someone wealthier than you" like it's some kind of gotcha. Of course she would. She is saying she doesn't want to reduce her lifestyle, which partnering with someone wealthier would not do. Whether a wealthier man wants to partner with her if she earns less than them is their choice.

I get it OP - I think the same but I wouldn’t want to openly admit it.

If you’re in your twenties then it’s not such an issue but once you’re into thirties/forties then it is. I think especially as a woman it means more when you have worked hard to build a well paying career, own your own house etc.

Recently I went on a date with a guy who earned just over minimum wage in his late 30s. Really nice but it did put me off when I know I earn about twice as much as him (which doesn’t make me a high earner I know!!). He prioritised different things to me in his life which is fine but not for me.

You're the engagement ring/men should pay if he asked you out poster aren't you?

@Doglover84 @GreatCyanCrab I think it’s wise to be somewhat flexible though, because a lower earner than yourself might not mean minimum wage. If an investment banker falls in love with a nurse or a teacher, for example, there’s always going to be an income disparity! It doesn’t mean that they don’t have a decent salary and career.

Fair, OP. Make your own decisions.

I have no words

Well unless you find someone on the exact same salary as you, what makes you think someone else will want to 'downgrade' and date you?

What if your salaries diverge at any point? Game over?

YABVU

I felt that way in my 20s (about kindness as a priority in a romantic partner). I have come to feel very, very, very differently over time. I had a four year relationship with someone who was gorgeous and charismatic and exciting, but not kind. For me, I don’t think it’s something I’d do again.

I presume that if you lose your job or your health (and therefore your earning power) that you will walk away and not expect him to support you? After all, why should he give up his lifestyle for you?

No, I think it’s totally normal. When we met I made more than DP, but not much and within a year he had been promoted ahead of me (we worked for the same company). Also a lot of men really don’t like their partner earning more, in my experience it either makes them want to better themselves (like DP) or brings out the worst in them (like my ex). Obviously not all men, but a lot of them.

You can refuse to date anyone you like for whatever reason you like.

I hope you’re thinking ahead though, you date and marry a higher earner and he gets the sack/redundancy/retrains/disability/whatever. Hope you’re prepared to divorce for these reasons! And as well as only wanting a higher earner, he’s also got to accept being wanted for (what I consider, and many men will consider) shallow reasons.

And I’ll end with the same sentence I started with.

What if they earn more?

I agree with this too.

My boyfriend earns about 4 times more than me but that’s his choice too date someone earning less than him. It doesn’t mean I should too if we split up?

If he chose to date a woman earning 150K that would be a perfectly acceptable choice and I wouldn’t judge him.

But the truth is men are often less bothered with their partner earning as much as them as many of them are more focused on a woman’s looks/personality/figure and less concerned with her financial status.

Many (not all) are prepared to carry the financial burden if the woman ticks the boxes in other areas especially if they plan on having children.

Yep, plus if OP gets a payrise first they would have to dump their partner.

They really aren’t. We’d live in a very different world if they were.

How many years into your career are you, also what age?
If you are early on in your career there may be men at this stage who earn lower than you but go on to far out earn you at a later stage
In my twenties I earned more than a certain male friend, now he earns 4 x times as much as me

I get where you’re coming from but it’s not about a man “not being up to scratch” or thinking they should earn more than me by default. I don’t think less of men who earn less, I just know from experience what kind of lifestyle I want and what I’ve worked hard for.

It’s about knowing what kind of dynamic I personally feel comfortable in. I value traditional roles to an extent and I want a partner who can provide and match the lifestyle I’ve worked for. That’s not about internalised misogyny, it’s about personal preference and compatibility.

Of course things like job loss or debt can happen to anyone but I’m not talking about unexpected life changes, I’m talking about the starting point. And for me, earning power can matter in that context.

It sounds sexist to me. Someone is likely to earn more, what does it matter if it’s a man who does?