Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want to date men who earn less than me, even if they’re kind?

402 replies

RealPlumEagle · 10/04/2025 14:01

I’ve worked hard for a certain lifestyle and I don’t want to feel like I have to downgrade. It’s not about love, it’s about compatibility. AIBU or does that make me a snob?

OP posts:
JHound · 10/04/2025 15:28

StrangerThings1 · 10/04/2025 15:20

I was asking because most high earning career think like you in their 20/early 30, ( it’s very common) then by mid thirties, still haven’t met their perfect high earning mate and the chances of them doing this are getting rapidly slimmer and slimmer as every year goes by until they must either make a decision ( if they want children) to (a) lower their expectations / list of criteria and open themselves up to meeting men who earn less than them but at this stage a lot of the lower earning good catch men are now gone and looks are dwaning (b) keep pursuing the high earning men who are at this stage looking for women who are younger than them

Beware that this mindset is quite common but doesn’t always work out well for women

Example: Miranda and Steve in Sex and the City, Miranda was a high earning Lawyer n mid thirties, still single in mid 30s and wanted children, wasn’t getting the high earning men she wanted so ended up with a Barman (not dissing bar men) as she couldn’t hold out any longer and wait for the high earning man as if she did that she would possibly have lost the ability to have children

As I said there are risks to having this mindset and I know women who are single and childless because of it

You did not watch Sex and the City if you think Miranda was the one “waiting for high powered men and settled for Steve.”

He ended things with her first because he could not cope with her earning more (like when she tried to buy him a suit to wear to her work function.) She never had any financial dealbreakers. That was Charlotte.

Also Miranda was never focused on having children. She had one entirely by accident that she considered not keeping.

ClearFruit · 10/04/2025 15:29

Mysticguru · 10/04/2025 14:33

I have no words

Why? I think it's fair.

ClearFruit · 10/04/2025 15:29

I feel the same as you OP.

FKAT · 10/04/2025 15:30

Yes, life will throw curveballs but it is very unlikely people who are good earners in their 20s / 30s will be brought into destitution by adverse circumstances. DH and I were good earners (not rich) in our early careers and since then have both experienced redundancies, job uncertainty and chronic illness but we have maintained our (unflashy but nice) lifestyle and supported our DC throughout with no recourse to benefits / family help.

I was raised by a woman who thought money didn't matter and as a result we grew up in poverty. It's not about living a flashy lifestyle - it's about knowing you will be able to weather adversity / cost of living and not go under.

JHound · 10/04/2025 15:30

LoreOfBabylon · 10/04/2025 15:09

AIBU or does that make me a snob?

Snob? No. Gold Digger? Yes.

How is that golddigging? Wanting similar financial outlooks?

Sunholidays · 10/04/2025 15:32

What you are saying now in your updates is very different from your OP.

YABU to your OP
YANBU after reading updates

JHound · 10/04/2025 15:33

EvangelicalAboutButteredToast · 10/04/2025 15:19

I listened to a podcast recently with Stephen Bartlett discussing men and women within relationships. One of the comments made was about the data showing that attractive/financially viable women on dating sites were going for the top tiny percentage of men available. So huge amount of women competing for one or two men. The criteria was high earning, over a certain height, physical attractiveness etc.

Men on the other hand were much less bothered about earning potential and were focused on looks primarily.

So you are in the majority OP.

Sorry I misread your last paragraph which does reflect the OK Cupid data. But it’s interesting to me a lot of people have issues with women preferring to date their level / date up financially, yet have no issue with men’s focus on looks.

I wonder why that is.

StrangerThings1 · 10/04/2025 15:33

JHound · 10/04/2025 15:28

You did not watch Sex and the City if you think Miranda was the one “waiting for high powered men and settled for Steve.”

He ended things with her first because he could not cope with her earning more (like when she tried to buy him a suit to wear to her work function.) She never had any financial dealbreakers. That was Charlotte.

Also Miranda was never focused on having children. She had one entirely by accident that she considered not keeping.

Edited
Show quote history

Miranda definitely settled, but the lower earning man that she eventually settled for then felt emasculated by her higher earning power / job but that was a separate issue

InterIgnis · 10/04/2025 15:34

JHound · 10/04/2025 15:28

You did not watch Sex and the City if you think Miranda was the one “waiting for high powered men and settled for Steve.”

He ended things with her first because he could not cope with her earning more (like when she tried to buy him a suit to wear to her work function.) She never had any financial dealbreakers. That was Charlotte.

Also Miranda was never focused on having children. She had one entirely by accident that she considered not keeping.

Edited
Show quote history

I always looked at Steve as a cautionary tale tbh. He was a hobosexual that constantly trampled her boundaries, left skidmarks for her in the laundry, had zero respect for her job and time, and strong armed her into a dog, cohabitation, a child, and a house somewhere she didn’t want to live.

Steve was not a happy ending.

JHound · 10/04/2025 15:35

StrangerThings1 · 10/04/2025 15:33

Miranda definitely settled, but the lower earning man that she eventually settled for then felt emasculated by her higher earning power / job but that was a separate issue

Show quote history

She did not settle though. She wanted Steve. She got Steve. He left her because he could not handle her earning more. They then found the way back to each with her dumping a wealthy doctor to be back with him.

JHound · 10/04/2025 15:36

InterIgnis · 10/04/2025 15:34

I always looked at Steve as a cautionary tale tbh. He was a hobosexual that constantly trampled her boundaries, left skidmarks for her in the laundry, had zero respect for her job and time, and strong armed her into a dog, cohabitation, a child, and a house somewhere she didn’t want to live.

Steve was not a happy ending.

Show quote history

I never thought of it like that 😂

I do recall the skidmarks though. Gross!

alcoholnightmare · 10/04/2025 15:37

What if he earns 10k more than you? What if he earns £100k more than you? Would that be okay?

Gwenhwyfar · 10/04/2025 15:38

"I think any inequality in earnings is a spark to ignite discordance in a relationship. "

Right, so you can only date someone who earns the same? Bit like a very strict caste system? That really diminishes your chances of finding love.

ChampagneLassie · 10/04/2025 15:40

I think most women don’t or men for that matter (the reverse, they don’t want to date someone who earns more than them!)

JHound · 10/04/2025 15:40

My version of this post is I would not date a man I am not attracted to, no matter how kind he is.

And some people have an issue with that too - though less than the money example.

AnnaQuayInTheUk · 10/04/2025 15:40

When I met DH he was in a fairly senior position on a good salary and I was a mature student. If he had had your attitude the relationship would have gone nowhere.

I've had a career as a social worker so have never earned particularly well. But we have the same values and the same attitude/work ethic towards money. We've been married for 31 years so clearly it works for us

JessieLongleg · 10/04/2025 15:40

Wow I'm on benefits due to illness and my ex he pays for everything when out. He is not a sugar daddy. He feels a person on his money who feels that he is owed any payback is messed up in the head. Likes me for many reasons more than being kind. How patronising and the rest to feels someone's that eans less than you can offer no "support" back.

JHound · 10/04/2025 15:41

Gwenhwyfar · 10/04/2025 15:38

"I think any inequality in earnings is a spark to ignite discordance in a relationship. "

Right, so you can only date someone who earns the same? Bit like a very strict caste system? That really diminishes your chances of finding love.

What’s wrong with diminishing your chances of finding love? Everybody on the planet does that as we all have people we would not be willing to date.

StrangerThings1 · 10/04/2025 15:41

JHound · 10/04/2025 15:35

She did not settle though. She wanted Steve. She got Steve. He left her because he could not handle her earning more. They then found the way back to each with her dumping a wealthy doctor to be back with him.

Show quote history

She was in mid thirties , she had opened up her options at this stage because she had to if she wanted to have children which led to her meeting Steve, with whom she fell in love with

IpsyUpsyDaisyDoos · 10/04/2025 15:43

RealPlumEagle · 10/04/2025 15:24

I’m not saying income alone defines someone’s values but in practice, how someone handles money often reflects things like ambition, discipline, priorities and how they see their future.

If someone earns less but has a long-term mindset, is financially responsible and wants the same kind of life I do, that’s different from someone who earns less and doesn’t think beyond next week.

So for me, it’s not about judging a number, it’s about what that number can sometimes reveal when it comes to shared values and lifestyle compatibility.

Show quote history

Then your OP title is completely wrong, because you said you don't want to date someone earning less.

It's not about that. It's about not wanting to date someone who wants a different lifestyle to you and has a different attitude to money.

They're very different things, and based on how you worded your OP and title, you're going to get jumped on for being shallow and focused on money, when that's not what you were trying to say.

InterIgnis · 10/04/2025 15:43

JHound · 10/04/2025 15:36

I never thought of it like that 😂

I do recall the skidmarks though. Gross!

Show quote history

I recently ended up in a YouTube rabbit hole and discovered this series:

Did not expect it to become topical a week later lol.

- YouTube

Enjoy the videos and music that you love, upload original content and share it all with friends, family and the world on YouTube.

https://youtu.be/oH4LBOFVUkI?si=INkYlb13IiRgSWMl

beesandstrawberries · 10/04/2025 15:43

I know people have preferences but I think this is wild and pretty shallow.

So if there are two men, one is your ‘dream man’ who has every personality trait you want in a person and you are attracted to what he looks like too. The only downside is he doesn’t earn as much as you ‘prefer’
The second man doesn’t tick every box and you’re not even that attracted to him but he earns the amount that attracts your lifestyle.

Are you telling me you’d go for the second man? Because love can go through anything. Someone could lose their job and lifestyle and you’d be left with what?! It’s so wild that people choose money over love.

JHound · 10/04/2025 15:44

StrangerThings1 · 10/04/2025 15:41

She was in mid thirties , she had opened up her options at this stage because she had to if she wanted to have children which led to her meeting Steve, with whom she fell in love with

Show quote history

I think you need to watch the show again.

She was mid thirties when she fell pregnant with Brady, the result of a Mercy Fuck with Steve. Her and Steve had dated and ended long before that.

There was nothing to suggest that she only wanted wealthy men or settled for Steve. Steve was a one night stand that became a boyfriend who dumped her because she outearned him.

They remained in contact, he knocked her up. They had a son, and eventually found their way back to each other.

BruFord · 10/04/2025 15:45

Having similar attitudes towards money is probably far more important longterm.

This thread makes me think of a former colleague whom I was friends with. One day over coffees he mentioned that he and his partner were transferring their credit card debt to a new card that offered 0% interest for x months. I was secretly taken aback as I knew he must earn well ( he was more senior than me) and it never occurred to me that they’d have credit card debt! But, they only bought the best of everything, designer clothes, etc. so I can see how it happened.

So it’s not simply the raw numbers, it’s whether you’re comfortable with the way your partner uses their money. Neither DH nor I would be comfortable with long term cc debt-we’d use a card for an emergency repair, for example, but it would give me sleepless nights if I accumulated thousands!

JHound · 10/04/2025 15:45

beesandstrawberries · 10/04/2025 15:43

I know people have preferences but I think this is wild and pretty shallow.

So if there are two men, one is your ‘dream man’ who has every personality trait you want in a person and you are attracted to what he looks like too. The only downside is he doesn’t earn as much as you ‘prefer’
The second man doesn’t tick every box and you’re not even that attracted to him but he earns the amount that attracts your lifestyle.

Are you telling me you’d go for the second man? Because love can go through anything. Someone could lose their job and lifestyle and you’d be left with what?! It’s so wild that people choose money over love.

Why are you inventing scenarios. When did she say she would date a man solely for money?