To not want to date men who earn less than me, even if they’re kind?

[RealPlumEagle]

I’ve worked hard for a certain lifestyle and I don’t want to feel like I have to downgrade. It’s not about love, it’s about compatibility. AIBU or does that make me a snob?

There is nothing wrong with wanting to be a SAHM but I see you meant she wanted a high earner. I thought you just meant a decent job which isn’t that demanding!

But honestly as some who was less selective always “gave men a chance ” if we got on, there was a spark and I found them attractive - terrible idea!

I guess either way your cousin would not have had the life she wanted - at least her way she attempted to getting what she wanted instead of immediately settling for what she did not want.

OP has not said she would choose a man purely based on him earning more though. I don’t know why people keep pretending that she has said that.

Your last sentence is fascinating to me for how true it is.

Women will berate other women for preferences that exclude certain men.

But you never see men battling and berating other men for excluding certain groups of women from their dating pool.

It’s odd and I wonder why women do this.

Same background diffrent experience. I enjoyed meeting other people and have not met a complete gormless dickhead who's rude to trades people. But yeah I can see if that was your experience why you think that way.

It's absolutely fine to have whatever likes and wants you desire.

I wouldn't like to be with someone with a big disparity in earnings either side of mine. I like doing and having nice things and wouldn't want to compromise on that. Equally, I wouldn't want somebody else to feel they have to compromise either.

@RealPlumEagle

Are you planning on having children?

This level of rudeness is bizzare. Its really really common for people to consider the finacial circumstances of their partner before committing. Does not make op bad or undesirable. Why have you and others reacted so poorly. In this world in real life people largely marry their finacial equals. People really do not typically deviate from that.

Neither did OP. She didn’t even say she wanted someone that earned more than her, but someone on an equal financial footing. Really not that wild a concept.

My point is there are more than two options out there.

Hmm, I know what you mean. I’ve yet to meet a guy whose place is nicer than mine. Once, I went to a date’s house and he had plastic garden furniture as living room furniture.
Sorry, just no.

Erm the title of the thread is “To not want to date men who earn less than me, even if they are kind?”

So she wants to be with a man who earns at the very least the same as her.

I didn’t even say that I disagreed or suggested it was a “wild” concept. I just gave my experience and you’re twisting my words.

My husband doesn't earn as much as me (at this point in our lives) but his contribution towards my career, particularly in terms of flexibility re childcare is absolutely invaluable.

but I do look for indicators of drive, direction and ambition

Absolutely! I have daughters and have told them to aim high. Nothing wrong in that!

No point wasting your time on lazy men who will add nothing to your life.

If every woman had the same ambition, men would have to step up.

How many posters do we see where husbands are comfortable in their role and don’t want to progress and take some of the strain.

I think if here is a massive disparity in earnings it can cause issues when dating. I've been in this situation. It becomes annoying if u end up paying for most things. If money is pooled when living together or married, maybe it's different

But Miranda didn't want children. She almost terminated her pregnancy with Brady because she wasn't in a place in life to have a kid. She and Steve had already broken up at that time.

Which isn’t the same thing as choosing someone unkind, or choosing someone only on the basis of them being wealthier than her.

Kindness isn’t enough by itself, any more than wealth is.

I didn’t say it was the same thing.

Yes of course there are more than 2 options.

My point was simple - that I would not rule a partner out purely because they earned less than me. The example I gave was just an example - not black and white suggesting that these are the only two options.

As a fellow usually higher earner in a relationship situation, you are not unreasonable for myriad reasons.

It’s caused so many issues in my relationships. Either feelings of emasculation and insecurity on their part, feeling taken advantage of on my part, or having to ‘downgrade’ the standard of living/holidays etc that I’ve slogged for 20 years to get to accommodate other budgets.

Minor differences can be worked through, but a big gap is definitely problematic.

Hit dogs will holler.

Tbf this is mumsnet, where a woman will be told her standards are too high and she’s destined to die bitter and alone if she insists on limiting herself to only men that have teeth.

Yes, unless you’re willing to live in a cardboard box with three-teeth-Keith, sustained only by the power of love, you’re basically fucked.

You killed me I'm dying wheres your teeth Keith.

That’s not the story of Miranda and Steve at all though. She broke up with him because they were incompatible at the time (he was a big kid). Then she fell pregnant accidentally and initially didn’t want to keep the baby because it wasn’t in her life plan to have a baby at that point (she was 35/36 I think? It was season 4 anyway). She decided to keep the baby, then nearly two years later, on the baby’s first birthday, her and Steve got back together. By that point he was running his own business coz he opened up a bar with Aidan, plus they had a lot of history and a baby together.

I don’t disagree that women adjust their standards as they get older (I certainly have), but it’s rarely to the extreme of the (incorrect) example you gave of a law partner choosing a random bar man to settle down with.

I think for most people a relationship works best if you have similar values, educational attainment, attitudes to work-life balance, preferences re spend-versus-save, shared expectations re home and lifestyle, similar attitudes to risk, and so on.
I'd be really surprised if people who were aligned in all of those areas were not in the same earnings bracket, unless life has thrown one of them a very weird curveball, because how much you end up earning is frequently dependent on behaviours which are driven by those things.

Exactly. If women would raise their standards, men would have to.

As it is, no matter how lowdown, lazy, horrible and useless a man is, there is always some woman who will stoop to service him, provide sex, bear his children and financially prop him up. One really despairs.

So many here calling it “shallow” to have high standards certainly explains a lot.

Exactly. If women would raise their standards, men would have to.

As it is, no matter how lowdown, lazy, horrible and useless a man is, there is always some woman who will stoop to service him, provide sex, bear his children and financially prop him up. One really despairs.

So many here calling it “shallow” to have high standards certainly explains a lot.

Came back to this thread wondering if anyone had answered this & don’t think they have. So much hypocrisy and misogyny on one thread.

It’s apparently ok for people - especially men - to have standards about how someone looks/their height/figure (some of these things people can’t even change or didn’t earn other than by genetic lottery ) but hey it’s @RealPlumEagle who is superficial for wanting someone she is equally matched with financially and is ambitious with similar aspirations and goals.

Re. The pps saying she will end up a single bitter cat lady you do understand that in 2025 some women are happier single than settling with someone who has what they see as an adverse impact on their lifestyle?

My old school friend married a guy who was very low earning and unambitious, 15 years on they have 2 kids, he still doesn’t earn much and she’s ran ragged with doing everything with the kids and working and rarely socialising .

Her sister of a similar age chose not to settle for that lifestyle and enjoys her single life of travelling, pursuing her hobbies and spending time with friends and family. Maybe she will find someone later but if not - there are worse things than ending up single!! Read the relationships board on here 😂

Too funny 😂 but hey what did 3 teeth Keith ever do to you? He deserves to get some love in that cardboard box too 🤣and anyone who rejects him is clearly unreasonable and losing out!

Seriously though, as I’ve also said above - it’s funny how yet men can say they only go for say eg. a woman they find pretty, slim, who is at least a few years younger than them and and no-one - including women - will bat an eyelid.

Men certainly don’t tell each other to abandon their preferences or requirements and berate each other as superficial for having certain requirements regarding looks and weight. Or very rarely anyway.