To not want to date men who earn less than me, even if they’re kind?

[RealPlumEagle]

I’ve worked hard for a certain lifestyle and I don’t want to feel like I have to downgrade. It’s not about love, it’s about compatibility. AIBU or does that make me a snob?

I think you could miss out on a lovely man. My DH earns stacks more than I ever could but the stuff thats really mattered is things like him taking the baby at night when I had PND so I could sleep and then doing a full day at work for months on end. You can’t measure love in pounds.

However if it’s important to you then it’s important to you. You don’t owe anyone a relationship.

I'd say both: YABU and it makes you sound like a snob!
But it's your life, do what's right for you - you don't strike me as someone who'd give a damn what other people think anyway!

But didn't you do the same? If so why is only him getting credit for it

My DH earns stacks more than I ever could but the stuff thats really mattered is things like him taking the baby at night

If you were the high earner and DH was a low earner, you wouldn’t have the choices you do now - you’d be back at work and doing the night feeds.

I would have said the same - similar earnings / level of job important not just about the money but about being with someone with similar values and aspirations.

However with the benefit of hindsight two example couples in our group of friends:

Husband 1 - professional high earning corporate role; got made redundant just after birth of first child and there followed many years of him not working and sitting around while wife worked, took care of the kids and did all of the domestic load (not depressed, disabled or anything like that - simple a lazy, selfish narcissist who always put himself ahead of his wife and kids). Wife always worrying about money, close to losing house several times, very much ended up with a lesser quality of life than "signed up for".

Husband 2 - white van man. Brilliant supportive husband and father, does loads to support with domestic load and kids, would do anything for them and works his arse off to provide.

20yrs ago I would have considered husband 1 an appropriate match and husband 2 incompatible. Not so much now.

It doesn't stand up to any scrutiny:
Let's say you were in a (very good) relationship and you got a huge promotion so your earnings overtook his.
Q1: Would you then dump him?
Q2: In that situation, would you accept being dumped by him on the grounds that he doesn't date people who earn more than him?
It's just nonsense.

Oh you sweet summer child. How naive 😱

I totally understand where your coming from @RealPlumEagle

I once tried dating a great guy but he did earn less than me but did have money left over for some things. He was early 40s and was happy with his life. He had no intentions of retraining or applying for promotions etc. It wasn’t an issue as I was happy to compromise but over time I found that he just couldn’t afford to keep up with the lifestyle I enjoyed. When I suggested some restaurants or even just a random meal after work, impromptu getaways or even something as simple as a cab home rather than a train it started to show how different we were.

I wanted more for me, I owned my own home he rented a flat, my car was relatively new his was older. I enjoy impromptu dinners or nights out. I have the money to book weekend breaks on a whim etc he couldn’t keep up. I began to resent him because i was always then offering to pay or giving up what i enjoyed. I just couldn’t see us aligning in future or growing together.

My ex on the other hand earned similar to me and we enjoyed a great life together. 3/4 holidays a year, impromptu breaks away, dinner dates mid week etc. We could afford a nice home and both had nice cars. I felt so much more fulfilled. It didn’t work for lots of reasons (v personal) but all I would say is don’t settle for someone that’s not right for you.

If the potential is there for them to be equal or better and your values, work ethic etc align then give them a go.

i do understand life happens redundancy, illness etc but that’s the unknown, any new relationship would struggle with that and anything long term is something that’s workable as there is likely already a decent base for making it work.

for reference my current partner earns less than me, but is ambitious, he is a hard worker and pulls in overtime. We currently don’t live together but we work as it feels equal.

Of course it stands up to scrutiny. Financial disparity arising during a relationship (and this is indeed something that can be a cause of relationship breakdown) is different to starting a relationship off on an unequal footing.

Personally, I think relationships work best where spouses or bf/gf earn roughly the same.

How would you feel if a man didn’t want to date you for the same reason? That you don’t earn as
much as him?

I don't think it makes you a snob but you may end up very lonely with the wrong sort of person.
Kindness, genuine connection and trust are endlessly more important than money in any relationship.
That's not to say it can't be a red flag if someone is reliant on you.. but it's not about the money it's about what they are bringing to the table. A dead weight with no ambition who just wants to leech off you for the rest of their lives is obviously awful.
But then someone who is kind caring, passionate and honest.. who happens to do a low paying job that they love and aren't motivated by money.. why would you reject that??

What if they are kind , hot and very good in bed? I would

It's okay to want a certain lifestyle and to date men who will be able to match it.
But, life doesn't always go to plan - a higher earner might get ill and be unable to work, or get made redundant. Those things might happen to you and not him. In those circumstances, you'd want a partner whose priority wasn't lifestyle above all else. So if you are picking a partner whose earnings are a priority, be aware that he might be making the same choice about you. So while it's not an unreasonable thing to want, I'd advise against valuing it above traits which are more important in a good partner. Personally I think kindness is underrated, but actually a key requirement in a life partner and it's something that you only really appreciate when life is at its hardest. I'm not sure I agree with a pp that most people are kind. I think it's easy to seem so when times are good but when the shit hits the fan, that's when you really find out and come to appreciate its value!

Personally I think that having a good work ethic and motivation to do well in whatever field they work in, is something I'd go for over earnings, because those things will see you through when times are tough.

A woman has the right to reject a man for whatever reason she wants, including financial.

Calling women shallow is sexist.

I went out with someone who made less than me.
He's now my husband and earns a fortune, and has supported me financially through some difficult times.

Well there is lots of women who have been getting away with needing men to earn more than them for years so it works both way doesnt it?

Oh you should absolutely not commit to someone long term who will drag you down finacially. It effects not just your life outcomes but your children. It means no rest and that the finacial future is on you. Also guys if your on 6 figures you should have income protection as standard. Loosing a job or disability is actually something you can plan ahead for.

We are only as wealthy as our last pay check. Very few jobs are secure nowadays so focussing on a future partners current income is rather short sighted. You have no idea what is in the future.
What makes a successful relationship is shared values. You could meet and marry a man who is your equal financially but who does not share your need to spend it. It’s all about balance, a spendthrift will never see eye to eye with a saver. The one thing that quickly destroys marriages is differing attitudes to money.
You could marry a wealthy man who prefers to live well within their means and become very frustrated.
My DH earned much less than me but we have a mutually agreed system of dividing up our expenditure. We are very comfortably retired but my pension is still 4x his. I often receive comments about him living off me, usually from SAHMs who haven’t worked since their 20s. I just smile and say it works for us.

I do sometimes resent it but then I realise that it’s probably exactly the same feeling most men have about their wives.

YANBU - it’s perfectly valid to consider this aa part of what you are looking for in a partner.
My OH and I have been together 20 years and over that time we’ve each had periods where one of us was earning more and we have always shared everything. I think that works really well as a model when you get together young at start of your careers and build your life (& your assets) together.

I think when you are a bit older and have worked to achieve certain things then it’s very different as it’s not a case of taking turns, partner supporting you in other ways so you can be more ambitious career wise etc. It’s about starting off on the basis that you have a lot more than they do asset/earnings wise and I can imagine that leading to a lot more tension.

Overall choosing to date someone on the basis they are compatible with you from a work ethic/ views on finances basis seems far more likely to lead to a stable long term relationship than dating them because they are good looking but you’d rarely see a man overly criticised for selecting a partner based predominantly on their looks.

If you are content to be puddle deep crack on Op.

@JHound My anecdata referred to assortative coupling where both 'high fliers' had busy professional lives and earely divorce. Have not read the first study you quoted but it's title seems to relate to a completely different circumstance?

The second one directly challenges your claim.

The first was more to the broader thread topic. OP is right in her stance in that it lowers her likelihood of divorce.

I'm always grateful for the opportunity to learn something though my explicit reference to 'anecdata' would perhaps make my post more of an observation than a 'claim'.

I've not read the second reference beyone the top but is it more UK focused than USA? Also, does it only look at aggregate marital income and/or wealth? I wouldn't argue with that as I'd expect financial pressures and the absence to have a significant impact. If the research includes high earner and SAHP rather than the assortative dual high earners my USA anecdata observation referred to then does it directly challenge my observation? Will try and read it later so thank you.

Your agreeing with each other using diffrent words