To not want to date men who earn less than me, even if they’re kind?

[RealPlumEagle]

I’ve worked hard for a certain lifestyle and I don’t want to feel like I have to downgrade. It’s not about love, it’s about compatibility. AIBU or does that make me a snob?

What I interesting here is some sort of assumption that there is a pool of men for you to choose from, and you are selecting a subset that have certain characteristics.
Mesnwhile, the men are looking at the pool of women you are in and choosing from the characteristics they have decided on.
The ones you choose may not choose you.

Maybe her experience is that she does have options?

Even if she didn’t, so what? There are worse things than being single imo, and settling for someone you don’t actually want, for a life you don’t want, is one of them.

Is that not just the case for everyone looking for a partner?

Don’t do it. They bring you down to their level, you don’t bring them up to yours. Trust me. It’s a huge mistake to date or marry someone who earns significantly less than you do.

Oh dear. This is what my kitchen table is. I just don't see the need to buy a proper table, but if I had a bf for whom that was important, I could do it. You may have judged too soon.

I disagree quite strongly with that. I'd say I share those values with most of my friends and with my boyfriend and similar lifestyles, excluding the bigger purchases, yet we have different earnings.

Yes, but she's not just excluding people who have 'nothing'. That's an extreme example.

The bigger purchases ARE part of the lifestyle though. Person A aspires to the kind of lifestyle where they have 2 spare bedrooms in their home, replace their car every 3 years with a new one and remodel the kitchen when they get bored. Person B is happy to have no spare rooms, buy a 2year-old car, and drive it till it's fit for scrap, and only re-does the kitchen if it's actually falling apart.

All other factors being equal, people like person A need to earn more to afford the lifestyle to which they aspire, and make choices to enable that.

Yes, but presumably OP has a lot of money herself so shouldn't need a man's contribution to have the house she wants. Or is she actually looking for a meal ticket?

If she was looking for a meal ticket, she'd be looking for someone to pay for her. She isn't looking for that. She wants someone who can pay their own way, so that she doesn't have to cut down on her own discretionary spending to subsidise them. It's not a particularly generous view, but she's allowed a preference.

Why do you assume wanting to merge is “living off somebody else”?

Obviously if two 80k salaries are combined they can do far more than 80k and 40k (for example.) or just 80k

Does not mean she wants to live off him.

How is wanting a partner to equally contribute ‘looking for a meal ticket’? Presumably the man would also want, and be living in, the house in this hypothetical scenario, so why should the financial burden fall squarely on OP?

She is only interested in men that share both her values, and desire for the same lifestyle, that don’t require her to pick up the tab for said lifestyle. It is not in any way an outrageous ask.

So?

Since when did she owe everyone a turn?

I would never even contemplate dating someone who didn't match me financially, I don't have a particularly high standard of living but the last thing I need is someone else's debts or dead-end job weighing me down. But I'm already a parent and have my life set up how I like it.

Can’t remember if I’ve already commented on this thread, but for me, I don’t mind someone who earns less than me, as I’m a high earner, as long as I can maintain my lifestyle. Which means I don’t want anyone who earns a lot less or who earns the same but has higher outgoings. Currently in the early stages of dating a man who earns 50% less than I do but has much lower outgoings (no housing costs) so our lifestyles are broadly matched. He’s also younger and fewer years into his career than me, so there’s definitely further earning potential there.

Yabu. Money isn't everything.

Remember your wage is 90% good fortune. Everything you value can be taken from you overnight.

When I was dating before I married, while I would have dated someone earning less than me, I would avoid dating people with very low incomes and also no ambition or drive to earn better.

Making money and lifestyle are important to me and I wanted someone who aligned with that.

How do ppl feel about inherited wealth? I know a few ppl IRL who don’t need to earn a large salary, because there’s family money or they’re the only child of well-off parents so will receive a large inheritance. I’m talking about enough money to cover any care needs and still leave a considerable amount.

In terms of the OP, they could earn less than her but be far wealthier, iyswim.

As a similar age to OP, I can safely say I never consider inherited wealth as it’s (usually) decades away and has no bearing on present lifestyle which is much more dependent on earnings. And if someone was a low earner and running up debt to fund a certain lifestyle on the basis that they’re going to receive a windfall at some point in the future, I wouldn’t find that attractive, no.

What about someone with low earnings because they were following a passion and had a trust fund to cover living expenses?

Putting their disposable at a similar level to yours, and they aren't running up debt cos they don't actually need to.

I wouldn’t again, I did and it didn’t bother me but it did him eventually. I think he felt emasculated which is ridiculous in 2025 but his ego was pretty fragile.

This is exactly the situation I am in now (see my previous post). No problem with it. Earns about half what I do but our lifestyles are similar. There hasn’t been anything I’ve wanted to do that his lower earnings has prevented us from doing.

I have two degrees and had a high earning career. My exh earned ££££ but was always at work. Now with the loveliest guy who earns a lot less- but he loves cooking. So he cooks and I take him out for meals. Working well.

@Crushed23 Yes, that’s the type of situation I’m talking about. I know a couple IRL like this, now married but dated for several years. He runs a small business but doesn’t need to live off the income iyswim. He’s always had a nice house, been able to take holidays, etc. I’m friends with his wife and know that he has family money, hence he simply doesn’t need to work FT.

Similarky, one of my friends who used to be a high earner put her career on the back burner when she had three children. She’s the only child of parents with a successful business though. Her DH may be the higher earner now but he’ll probably be able to retire early and live very comfortably thanks to her family.