To not want to date men who earn less than me, even if they’re kind?

[RealPlumEagle]

I’ve worked hard for a certain lifestyle and I don’t want to feel like I have to downgrade. It’s not about love, it’s about compatibility. AIBU or does that make me a snob?

He would not be the right person for OP if they were financially incompatible. So it could be argued she would not be missing out.

I think for some people a woman’s duty is to find a man - any man. Choosing not to date men she does not wish to date is somehow a bad thing and she is “missing out” on men she does not wish to be with.

It’s up to you.

What they earn is really low on my list of things that would make a good partner.

If it’s high for you, then that’s up to you. I would bear in mind tho that they may not always have control over their job/salary.

Wow! I think a man saying this would get a much less favourable response than you have! What if the man you meet who earns more than you won't date you because you earn less

“Decent looking with a decent job” isn’t really asking for that much is it? Isn’t that bare minimum?

How much less picky could she be?

Date a man she is not attracted to with a shit job / unemployed?

Yep, you sound shallow. As someone on a 6 figure salary, if I found out that a prospective partner expressed wishes like yours, it would put me right off them, especially if I earned lots more than them.

It's also worth reflecting that if my partner stopped work tomorrow, I could still fund our lifestyle on just my salary, so if you couldn't do that, maybe you need to start earning a bit more?

That’s fine. That’s his preference. And he and OP would not be compatible.

It’s your choice. For me I would rather I earn more than the person I was dating because I wouldn’t want my partner thinking I’m worth less than him. I would never live with anyone, share bills or get married again so it’s not really a huge issue for me what they earn.

This! I was the bigger earner but took time out having children which meant he then surpassed me in the spends. Tbh makes fuck all difference anyway because we share the pot equally. Tbh I’d much rather downgrade my lifestyle and spend it with someone who makes me utterly happy and is a bloody good person vs putting merit into shallow shit which means sweet FA or end up with a high earning arse hole. Because money and a lifestyle won’t warm the bed at night

I will take a nice lifestyle and being able to pay for experienced than a warm bed than means I have to give up the former - I have an electric blanket! 😂

I used to feel like this when I was in my 20’s - mostly because I didn’t have the confidence to think I could earn well for myself. Now I’m older and wiser, I earn a good salary and my husband earns roughly half my salary. Yes it would be nice if he earned more money but between us we are comfortable so it doesn’t really matter. I would much prefer to be with a kind, loving man than a high-flying career type who was arrogant and flashy.

I totally understand what op is saying. I went out with someone who had nothing. We could never go anywhere unless I paid.

Exactly.

All these accusations of OP and others being “shallow” must come from women with VERY low standards.

We can like plenty of different men and wish them well without wanting to entwine our lives and futures with them. I wouldn’t date an unintelligent man, an incurious man, hunter, right-winger or low earner among many other criteria. It’s just not for me.

Exactly.

And I bet the type accusing OP of shallowness are more likely to be on here in a few years with tales of woe stemming from being hooked up with a loser of some sort.

I am used to women getting called picky for having any standards but I was left open-mouthed reading that. Wanting a man who you find attractive and has a decent job is “too picky”

😂😂😂.

Jesus Wept….

I did not even get to this. We could never go anywhere….full stop.

He refused to let me pay but could not afford anything himself so - that wad that! It ended for other reasons but I suspect mismatched finances would have killed us eventually.

Because kind and loving men can’t also be financially secure and/or be the financial equal of their partner.

Who knew dating was a binary, and you had no option but to choose between Patrick Bateman and Gollum with a heart of gold?

Well yes but she did meet a man that was attractive, was nice but he wasn’t a high earner so it didn’t go very far. Obviously there has to be some attraction when you meet someone but if they are nice, have a good sense of humour, easy to get on with and there is a spark I wouldn’t say I would give them the heave ho just because he wasn’t a high wage earner. She wanted a high earner so she could be a SAHM and knew she couldn’t do that with someone on a lower wage. I just think she was just too rigid in her wants and she didn’t end up with the man/life she hoped she would have.

men are more likely to leave than a woman if his partner gets sick and also men with money trade in loyal wives who been with them since they had 0 for a younger prettier girl all the time

so many left with no career, career growth etc because they were sahms (and unmarried ones too omg) while partner worked on career and pension etc after separation

but how dare a woman want her financial equal

you’d never see men defend the woman like this on male forums or be on the woman’s side/call him out for being unfair like this etc

ignore these pick mes

I didn’t say that though did I?

My point was that I wouldn’t choose a partner purely based on them earning more than me and that my preference would be a kind and loving man any day over someone who earned more than me. Not that any man who earns a high salary will definitely be a dick head.

Women already are in worse financial position then men and losing out financially pensions etc because most childcare/caring for elderly/disabled etc is on them. Even most household chores and child raising on them even if working 50/50

just look at mumsnet how many women feel like single mothers despite married or how lazy dh is

but people want to talk about how you being so unfair and how hypocritical that is

go tell all the sick women left by their husbands about unfair

people telling op love is important meanwhile when she gets with a less wealthy guy he’ll leave her when she gets sick or replace her with a younger girl real quick in a second if he won the lottery or came across money

and op, if you going to be staying at home with the kids you’ll be sacrificing your money/career for him. when hell leave you he’ll take your money too

when men worry about losing their hard earned money, (even when wife played a role in making it), they are called smart, but women shallow.

Well after I overlooked a big difference in assists I then had a husband who quickly leeched off me then fought me for half the house I bought and he paid nothing towards. So now I’m wary and I wish I hadn’t been so concerned with not being shallow due to it costing me dearly

i think the point about similar values is important, but money here is being used as something of a proxy for this. It sort of assumes that hard work and ambition translate into a good salary, but obviously there are differences depending on the field, and women, at a population level, tend to suffer more financially once they have children. So if you want to keep your earning potential, things like someone who does his equal share at home are just as important.
I speak as someone who has been a single parent for the best part of two decades. I earn more than the person I am now seeing but he has no children or dependents to pay for. So guess which one of us has the most disposable income? It’s not me. I am not planning to share my house so the domestic split doesn’t matter either. But in terms of the advice I would give someone in their twenties or thirties looking for a partner to have a family, how dependable and willing to split domestic stuff they are is far, far more important than whether they have a similar earning power. You need to be able to do it all yourself if you have to, including the financials, but ideally you want someone who does half both domestically and financially.

(edited to add: I agree that a big difference in assets is problematic, especially if you plan to get married).

WTF😂