Who will look after MIL after this avoidable cock up ?

[Souredgrapes]

DH and SIL both provide a lot of home support for MIL . One of them see her every day . Shop , prepare food, supervise meds , take her out . Without this support she would need professional carers for sure . Despite this help , MIL texts DH several time a day / evening with very emotive messages . Says she’s in pain , lonely , hungry, can’t find the remote. All of her needs are being met so these texts really are not on but forgivable as she has early dementia and lives alone. When we do pop in after such a text ( 17 miles away) she’s always ok . We also have cameras on her so we know she’s fine .

DH and I booked a special holiday at the end of last year and gave SIL the dates . We have only been able to take 2 previous holidays abroad in the past 11 years so this is a big deal for us. It’s not quite “trip of a lifetime” , but alone those lines. We go at the end of this month for 10 days .

SIL has now booked a holiday abroad for exactly the same dates ! She found a deal she couldn’t resist apparently .

I have suggested to DH that professional carers are brought in as MIL is unlikely to be safe in her own home without their support .

DH isn’t listening to my concerns as he thinks I’m being driven by the selfish thought that Mils endless texting and calls during our holiday are going to spoil it . He’s not wrong to be fair , because this is exactly what will happen at best . At worst , MIL will have an accident and then DH will likely fly back . I’ve already said I won’t leave early . As you can image these conversations are tense as I’m coming across badly in his opinion .

I can’t believe the idiocy of the situation which was totally avoidable. I honestly thought SIL would cancel her holiday given the amount of care they both put in and that our holiday was booked first and is a big one . Sil holidays 2 to 4 times a year and this isn’t a particularly special holiday for her.

AIBU to now approach SIL, voice my concerns and ask her to come up with a care plan that doesn’t rely on goodwill from friends and neighbours.

MIL needs to go into respite care.

It also sounds like it’s time for SS to review her care needs.

It sounds like she should have professional care anyway so maybe use this to advance that going forward if your dh will agree

Yabu.

Stay well out of it. Say nothing. You've given your husband your position, you're definitely going on holiday and you're definitely not coming home soon.

Don't baby him and make yourself the villain. You've said your piece, don't get drawn into a discussion.

Seperately, of course its bloody obvious noone can drink from an empty cup and professional carers are the answer, and yes I empathise he won't be taking a break and this impacts you hugely.

I don't say this at all unsympathetically but this was part of the package of getting married - he clearly feels he needs to grieve/cope with his mum this way and you sort of have to roll with it lest you forever be the unsupportive wife.

Check yourself out and give him space and accept that this is a point in your marriage where you each require a bit of space and thst you'll come.together again at some point.

Contact social services and arrange for respite care.

She needs care of some form, either in home or in a care home? Does she send the texts because she can’t remember sending the previous one?

Honestly it sounds like she needs a lot more help - respite care for that holiday but have your DH/SIL considered a sheltered accommodation set up or care home?

You have a dh problem. What is he suggesting you do about the situation? He should be bending backwards in gratitude for everything you’re already doing, not cancelling your one opportunity of some time off. You’re not being selfish, and even if you were, you’re allowed to be for one time in your life op. I don’t see why it’s up to you to have to approach his sister. Leave it to the pair of them to sort out, and I’d be warning my dh that if his phone is kept on for the entire holiday and it gets ruined, then you’ll be leaving separately, and I’d mean it too. I’d also be suggesting carers, not for the holiday, but full time as that’s clearly what she needs

It sounds like your MIL needs much more care than she is getting now.

Regarding your holiday, I’d not talk to your SIL anymore. You told your DH what will happen, stick to your guns.

Your DH and SIL need to get professional help for their DM. It doesn’t sound like she can cope on her own anymore.

Do you think SIL has deliberately booked the same dates to try and force the issue of professional carers?

Maybe your DH doesn’t listen to her in the same way he won’t listen to you, and she’s had enough.

He has a sister problem. But maybe it's her way of forcing a conversation about what their mother actually needs going forward because he won't do anything about it?

Respite care is the answer. BTW frequent phone calls, often repetitive, about lost remotes and all sorts, are so common with dementia. My DM used to phone to say her remote wasn’t working - she’d been trying to turn the TV on with the phone. And so many similar.
TBH there often comes a point with dementia when 24/7 care is needed, which means a care home. TBH we put it off with DM until she simply wasn’t safe to be left alone at all any more, but it’s such a massive decision, involving so much agonising.

In similar circumstances, we had good experience with https://care.country-cousins.co.uk

hope you find a resolution. Agree with PP that this is a DH problem, don’t get involved so you can be painted as the bad guy.

So… the SIL knew the dates and just booked it anyway? What did she think would happen?

TBH by the time someone has dementia, it’s usually too late for a massively confusing and disorienting move to sheltered accommodation. And all too often the person only has to be moved again quite soon, since they’re e.g, repeatedly locking themselves out, and/or bothering other residents by knocking on doors at 2 am etc.

Pop over to the elderly parents board on here for plenty of advice from people in the thick of it. What your DH and SIL are doing in caring for their mum is not a sustainable solution long term, and both will burn out. MIL needs to get used to professional carers now which she has enough capacity to understand, so that as her needs increase the amount of care can also increase without her being distressed by “strangers in the house”.

Credit to your DH for not leaving it all to his sister, but something in your post suggests to me that he also isn’t facing up to the reality of his mums prognosis, and the impact on the whole family - including you!

So what is DH's solution then? Is he suggesting that he and SIL both go away and don't put anything in place at all? Given the level of support they're currently giving, that sounds crazy!

Organise the care via the council. I had to do it recently and it was via adult social care on my local council website, they were able to organise care within the week and it was simple

You have to look at it as if you were not around, you are not carers, and you may be unavailable (and that's ok).

Be pragmatic but stick to your guns that mums care shouldn't impact your lives. It's safer for her to have the proper assessed care she needs rather than sticky plasters and stress.

Personally, if she were my Mum I would arrange respite residential care for her. I know it won't be cheap but at least you will all know that she is well cared for and her needs are being met whilst you all have a well earned break. DH and SIL can fund this between themselves surely??

What does your DH want to do?

There are two care options.... full hoard respite so she moves into care or respite who visit her. My friend MIL was similar she went into respite while they went on holiday liked it that much and felt safe, she never left. Has been a relief for all concerned.

You know you’re right. You said so and your opinion wasn’t well received.

Have a great holiday! Make sure you’ve got your passport and money/credit cards for when your DH flies back. And make plans for what you can do alone for that portion of the holiday.

I have suggested to DH that professional carers are brought in as MIL is unlikely to be safe in her own home without their support .

DH isn’t listening to my concerns as he thinks I’m being driven by the selfish thought that Mils endless texting and calls during our holiday are going to spoil it .

There seems to be a step missing there, surely he recognises that MIL will not be able to cope without the level of support him and SIL are providing, so what does he suggest while you are all away, just go and leave her?? Then fly back the next day when she needs something, that's not viable so what is his plan??

On a separate note, Surely her calls and texts are a way of life now for you both, it isn't really something you can switch off from completely, so I'd be getting a bit annoyed at you too if you kept going on about it, it's pretty unavoidable given the circumstances.

The answer is to get her into temporary care for the two/three weeks before and after you get back, it sounds like she is getting to that stage anyway to be fair.

I wonder is SIL thinks she should be in care, but your DH doesn't and that is why she has forced this issue?

I think from your op it’s the sister who does most of the work. She might have decided that enough is enough and becoming a problem to your husband so that everyone has to pull together to find a solution. There’s a reason why she booked it at the same time.

I agree with other posters who have suggested this a deliberate move from SIL to force the issue of residential care. It sounds like your DH has been resisting this move and hence SIL has engineered this crisis.
Also agree that is not your problem to solve. Accept that your holiday is likely to be interrupted and make plans of your own so that you can enjoy your time away. Don’t discuss it any more with DH or SIL. Let whatever is going to happen, happen. It’s not your mum, so it’s not your decision.

What does your DH want? You haven't said in your OP.