Who will look after MIL after this avoidable cock up ?

[Souredgrapes]

DH and SIL both provide a lot of home support for MIL . One of them see her every day . Shop , prepare food, supervise meds , take her out . Without this support she would need professional carers for sure . Despite this help , MIL texts DH several time a day / evening with very emotive messages . Says she’s in pain , lonely , hungry, can’t find the remote. All of her needs are being met so these texts really are not on but forgivable as she has early dementia and lives alone. When we do pop in after such a text ( 17 miles away) she’s always ok . We also have cameras on her so we know she’s fine .

DH and I booked a special holiday at the end of last year and gave SIL the dates . We have only been able to take 2 previous holidays abroad in the past 11 years so this is a big deal for us. It’s not quite “trip of a lifetime” , but alone those lines. We go at the end of this month for 10 days .

SIL has now booked a holiday abroad for exactly the same dates ! She found a deal she couldn’t resist apparently .

I have suggested to DH that professional carers are brought in as MIL is unlikely to be safe in her own home without their support .

DH isn’t listening to my concerns as he thinks I’m being driven by the selfish thought that Mils endless texting and calls during our holiday are going to spoil it . He’s not wrong to be fair , because this is exactly what will happen at best . At worst , MIL will have an accident and then DH will likely fly back . I’ve already said I won’t leave early . As you can image these conversations are tense as I’m coming across badly in his opinion .

I can’t believe the idiocy of the situation which was totally avoidable. I honestly thought SIL would cancel her holiday given the amount of care they both put in and that our holiday was booked first and is a big one . Sil holidays 2 to 4 times a year and this isn’t a particularly special holiday for her.

AIBU to now approach SIL, voice my concerns and ask her to come up with a care plan that doesn’t rely on goodwill from friends and neighbours.

And one of them sees MIL every day - let me guess which one that is?

I’d tell him that he needs to put something in place to ensure that the holiday isn’t ruined. If for any reason he leaves you there that wasn’t totally unavoidable (I.e not brought on by the lack of carers) then you will have to seriously reconsider your place in his life, because he obviously doesn’t value you or respect your opinion. Or your need for a holiday - without worry - together.

Well yes, this is a factor.... @Souredgrapes what is the labour division?

I would make sympathetic noises but dont get involved, watch & see what they do but let them get on with it.

Attendance allowance no way covers respite.... Maximum is just over 100£ weekly.

Respite is a minimum of ten times this!

Surely it's up to SIL to sort out her own cock up ?

Your dh's mum has a disease which means she needs support and care.

Your dh and his dsis cannot responsibly go on holiday without making sure those care and safeguarding needs are meet in their absence.

How they do that is not your problem. If they do both plan to leave her, tell them you will phone adult social services and report her as being vulnerable and a safe guarding concern.

My dh and BIL struggled to accept their gran needed professional support as they wanted to help her as much as they could but with everyone working fulltime it wasn't enough, and think they were in denial about how bad she was getting as some days she was fine (no inheritance to speak of so it wasn't money orientated) and she didn't want to have strangers in. It was a nurse neighbour that, in hindsight thankfully, took the decision out of their hands by reporting.

Respite in a nursing home. This is a good idea for more than this holiday. If you can fund it do it a couple times a year. That way when the dementia deteriorates she has somewhere familiar to go, that family are happy with.
My grandmother chose one to recuperate from illness a few times and the transition when she needed it full time, was easy, as family knew she liked it there.

I took that to mean one or other of them sees her every day, rather than one of them does the vast majority.

I wondered this - whether this is actually forcing your DH to face up to the fact that this simply isn’t feasible to continue and she needs (for her sake) more care than they can give

you can get temporary care home care - I know when we went away before my Nan went into residential care she did a short term stay when we went away. It really helped to see what worked and what didnt

SIL has pulled a blinder. MIL will have a crisis and be forced to accept carers, which lets SIL and DH off the hook.

Seniles can live for 15-30 years, so this crisis needs to happen.

The first rule of compassionate care: setting yourself on fire doesn’t put someone else out.

I’d also suspect SIL is doing bulk of caring especially personal care and has done this to chivvy things along.
What’s his plan? He can’t just leave her home alone for 10 days if she needs daily care.
He needs to sort carers or respite.

I'd explain to your MIL slowly and carefully that there's been a mixup and both adult children will be on holiday the same week. So they'd like MIL please to help them out by going into respite care, NOT permanently but just to cover this period. Then they will come and collect her and bring her home on such and such a date. They are asking her to do this because they love her and want to make sure she will be OK while they are away. They may not have a good signal on holiday but they will read any messages she sends and text her once a day to say all is well.
If you can find a nice respite place, she may be more open to consider more outside care in future.

TBH it's your MIL who is worst off in this situation, given both her carers have decided to absent themselves at the same time. That's a cruel thing to do to her. How is she going to eat / shop / do daily things that she normally relies on you for?

It's one thing saying you can't cope any more - time to get professional carers in. It's another thing saying you're all going to swan off on holiday at the same time so, what, she has to just deal with it?

Of all three adults you're the one least in the firing line. Your DH and SIL are behaving like teenagers frankly.

Well Op, I think that’s a shitty thing for your SIL to do. It may be that she has had enough and wants to force the issue.

Meantime, you could call adult social care yourself and report MIL as a vulnerable elderly woman, and explain that her family will all be away at the same time and are not able to care for her.

Exactly! Add a 1 to the start of £70 and a 0 to the end.

Hang on though, I can see how SIL could be painted as the bad guy here but actually my understanding of this is that DH and SIL both share care yet DH (and Op) chose to book a holiday and then tell SIL that she would be doing 💯 of the care for those ten days.
wouldn’t it have been better to discuss first, check SIL was happy to take on DH caring duties too and then book?

I wonder if she’s booked a holiday the same week because dumping duties on her is a bit of a habit?

anyway, apart from that I agree with PP you need some sort of professional carers now.

I read it that SIL has sorted care out for the time that she is away & Op doesn't think it is good enough.

Mum in law needs respite care, use thus as time for her to get used to residential care and build up a relationship with staff, in case she eventually needs permanent placement

You either need professional carers for MIL or to place her in a respite facility for the duration fo the holiday plus a day at either side of the holiday.

(My late mother had dementia. Even at the stage that you MIL's at, you need something in place.)

Hi , thanks for all the replies . All lovely ( well I see a few deleted but hey ho ) . To answer a few questions.
I do stay out of any care arrangements for MIL , as I have my own set of responsibilities that I happily take on and manage. So approaching SIL would not be a normal thing for me to do . I would definitely look “out of order” .

SIL is lovely and I don’t believe she double booked the holidays deliberately. Her and DH split the care as equally as possible . DH works full time including nights but gets a lot of time off . SIL works 1 or 2 days a week . Other than DH , we are a family of Drs, Nurses , pharmacists and other health providers so pretty switched on to care requirements usually .

DH and SIL have time to look after MIL and do so because they love her . It doesn’t often reach a point of crisis but I do know that on a recent mini break for SIL she was reduced to tears as a result of some of MILs texts . Just after Xmas , I did ask my DH to go and stay with MIL for a few days as honestly all our plans for a family time went out the window due to her acute needs ( and behaviour ) .

MIL has been assessed by social service and deemed fit to live alone in her own home without a care package. This beggars belief as she currently sleeps downstairs with no downstairs bath or shower . She can’t walk upstairs so she is brought to our house a few times a week to use the walk in shower. SIL washes her other days . I kid you not , SS deemed it ok for MIL to stand at her kitchen sink and wash . That’s a whole other thread .

MILs dementia is mild at present . She has had some recent tests which confirmed this . I think there is a fine line between what behaviours are down to the dementia and what is in her nature to need to be looked after . Again, this is an unpopular opinion of mine and one DH disagrees with .

MIL was in respite care following a fall and broken hip . She “kicked off” spectacularly and had SIL and grandchildren in tears . She texted anyone and everyone to get her out . Telling people her children had abandoned her . It was awful . DH and SIL were getting concerned calls from so many people wondering what was going on . SIL brought her home before the respite period was over . MIL will not entertain going into such a facility again.

This may explain why DH / SIL haven’t organised this level of care .

There is money to spend on carers coming in daily so that’s not an issue either . Which is why I am at a loss this scenario is being left to play out .

Right. If she won't tolerate respite, then an overnight carer needs to be bought in while you're all away.

I'm not surprised about SS. In Fife, they'll happily tell families that someone with dementia can have their bed and a commode in the living room: "Just put a stair gate across the bottom of the stairs."

I kid you not , SS deemed it ok for MIL to stand at her kitchen sink and wash .

Oh yes, we were told this with my Dad.

Bed downstairs, wash at sink, use a commode.

He used a walking stick by this time so balance not great as it was!

MIL will not entertain going into such a facility again.

Unfortunately she might have to when 24hr care is needed.