Who will look after MIL after this avoidable cock up ?

[Souredgrapes]

DH and SIL both provide a lot of home support for MIL . One of them see her every day . Shop , prepare food, supervise meds , take her out . Without this support she would need professional carers for sure . Despite this help , MIL texts DH several time a day / evening with very emotive messages . Says she’s in pain , lonely , hungry, can’t find the remote. All of her needs are being met so these texts really are not on but forgivable as she has early dementia and lives alone. When we do pop in after such a text ( 17 miles away) she’s always ok . We also have cameras on her so we know she’s fine .

DH and I booked a special holiday at the end of last year and gave SIL the dates . We have only been able to take 2 previous holidays abroad in the past 11 years so this is a big deal for us. It’s not quite “trip of a lifetime” , but alone those lines. We go at the end of this month for 10 days .

SIL has now booked a holiday abroad for exactly the same dates ! She found a deal she couldn’t resist apparently .

I have suggested to DH that professional carers are brought in as MIL is unlikely to be safe in her own home without their support .

DH isn’t listening to my concerns as he thinks I’m being driven by the selfish thought that Mils endless texting and calls during our holiday are going to spoil it . He’s not wrong to be fair , because this is exactly what will happen at best . At worst , MIL will have an accident and then DH will likely fly back . I’ve already said I won’t leave early . As you can image these conversations are tense as I’m coming across badly in his opinion .

I can’t believe the idiocy of the situation which was totally avoidable. I honestly thought SIL would cancel her holiday given the amount of care they both put in and that our holiday was booked first and is a big one . Sil holidays 2 to 4 times a year and this isn’t a particularly special holiday for her.

AIBU to now approach SIL, voice my concerns and ask her to come up with a care plan that doesn’t rely on goodwill from friends and neighbours.

How about your DH and his sister getting private carers in for 4 visits a day? In reality if your mil doesn’t want them they can go away. If she needs them, they will have the legal stuff in place to let themselves in, call an ambulance, things like that.

The very best scenario would be you all come back from your holidays and the care company say ‘we knocked on the door four times a day, she told us to go away’. But she’s safe. And if she’s not safe they do something.

What a horrendous thing for you to day.

My caring duties began when I was 36 yrs old. They ended when I was 60. For some people I know, their experience as a carer was longer.

Carer burnout does no one any good.

At the point where I was caring for one adult with physical problems and dementia and another with stroke related conditions, a HCP loftily informed me that it was no different from her situation - working full time (as I did until I was 58) and looking after two (healthy) children. Believe you me - it's very different.

Healthy children generally become more independent. Frail adults do not.

Tell her now she will be going into respite care later in the year as ye all need a well earned holiday and let her get her head around it in the next few months

Re: respite care.

Before my husband had his stroke, Mum's social worker organised respite for her so that DH and I could go on holiday abroad.

The morning we dropped Mum off at the home, the (local authority) home manager asked where we were gong. I told her.

"Oh no! That's unacceptable! There must be a contact in this country."

"But I'm an only child. That's why I need the respite..."

"No. You can't go if there's no one here."

I phoned a cousin in England. She was about to leave on holiday that morning...

"Give me ten minutes..."

God bless her, she phoned her daughter and the daughter agreed to be the contact.

Just mentioning this in case anyone else experiences the same.

Hi . No one is refusing to pay thankfully , the money is there . Any of us can and would but MIL does have the funds . Yes , I do believe SiL physically helps MIL to wash her hair and supports her to wash and dry her own body . SIL is a nurse . When Mil comes here to wash , DH picks them both up and takes them home again.

I’m home now and have more time to read your advice and of your own caring experiences. Thank you for sharing them . I’m reading them all . it’s a heavy burden . I’ve done it myself for my parents so I know . X

With my mum I arranged a care agency "to help with housework once a week".
Mum liked them. She now has them twice a week, the second visit is for 2 hours to take her out to the shops and to Marks and Sparks for lunch. It's added hugely to her life, meeting different people, chatting about their kids and stuff.
I've just started getting them to take her to doctors appts.
Honestly I am stressed about her deteriorating but at least spending her money on this helps.
I really want to go abroad for a couple of weeks and might do if the carers can come regularly.

Why is she going to your house for SIL to wash her? I can't see how this is sustainable, especially for sil! Physical job of.being a nurse, plus being the personal carer for her dm. What tasks does her son do?

I'm sorry to say but you all know this situation will only get worse. Of course your MiL doesn't want more help, she's got family running round after her. But, she doesn't have a choice. However sympathetic DH is to his sister, he's not the one physically bathing his parent. Nobody is getting what they want, which is MiL healthy, safe and independent. What's the next best option?

If you can't be bothered to RTFT at the very least read OPs updates before commenting.

Healthy children generally become more independent. Frail adults do not.

One of the hardest parts of my DM's dementia was the contrast between her and my toddler DC.

Whoa there Trigger... that I have! From ops own post I do believe SiL physically helps MIL to wash her hair and supports her to wash and dry her own body . SIL is a nurse . When Mil comes here to wash , DH picks them both up and takes them home again who's the 'them' if not the DM and SIL?

This is not how our family work . Sil tells us when she’s away and DH steps up . We go away a fraction of the time SIL takes time away. That’s just the nature of our different life styles.

@Souredgrapes that's good, but is it you that takes on the physical caring when SiL is away?

Do you really need to use foul aggressive language to get your point across?

Respite care leading to permanent. I hope I never let my adult children live like this.

SIL is a tit for booking a "couldn't resist" holiday when she already goes away 2 to 4 times a year, every year and knowing it would be at the exact same time as OP's holiday which her 3rd in over a decade!!

Massive tit with a tassle on!!

You could also employ a carer to live in for the time you're away. It's not cheap (but not much more expensive than respite).We had to do it recently and our carers were amazing.

Ask SIL what she will do to ensure MIL is looked after while you’re all away ? Because she knew you’d already booked holiday and she would be the one looking after MIL? See what she says. Tell her she needs to sort it out

Those discussing who is washing MIL , obviously Mil doesn’t want DH to wash her so SIL does it . SIl is a nurse who works 1 to 2 days a week in an admin role now. DH works full time in shifts so does what he can around his shifts . This includes emptying her commode although he would rather not . He’s 100 per cent invested in her care . To put it in perspective , MILs garden fence blew down a few weeks ago , DH fixed it as he was the right man for the job .

Foul? Aggressive?

Bit touchy??

RTFT= read the full thread.

Yes I forgive you for your outburst.

If you bothered to read the OPs updates you would know that the care is split evenly.

@CaptainFuture . No I don’t . If DH can do it he does . If he can’t , he asks and I will step in if I can .

Yanbu, I would be absolutely raging at SIL and insisting that she cancel her holiday.

This