Who will look after MIL after this avoidable cock up ?

[Souredgrapes]

DH and SIL both provide a lot of home support for MIL . One of them see her every day . Shop , prepare food, supervise meds , take her out . Without this support she would need professional carers for sure . Despite this help , MIL texts DH several time a day / evening with very emotive messages . Says she’s in pain , lonely , hungry, can’t find the remote. All of her needs are being met so these texts really are not on but forgivable as she has early dementia and lives alone. When we do pop in after such a text ( 17 miles away) she’s always ok . We also have cameras on her so we know she’s fine .

DH and I booked a special holiday at the end of last year and gave SIL the dates . We have only been able to take 2 previous holidays abroad in the past 11 years so this is a big deal for us. It’s not quite “trip of a lifetime” , but alone those lines. We go at the end of this month for 10 days .

SIL has now booked a holiday abroad for exactly the same dates ! She found a deal she couldn’t resist apparently .

I have suggested to DH that professional carers are brought in as MIL is unlikely to be safe in her own home without their support .

DH isn’t listening to my concerns as he thinks I’m being driven by the selfish thought that Mils endless texting and calls during our holiday are going to spoil it . He’s not wrong to be fair , because this is exactly what will happen at best . At worst , MIL will have an accident and then DH will likely fly back . I’ve already said I won’t leave early . As you can image these conversations are tense as I’m coming across badly in his opinion .

I can’t believe the idiocy of the situation which was totally avoidable. I honestly thought SIL would cancel her holiday given the amount of care they both put in and that our holiday was booked first and is a big one . Sil holidays 2 to 4 times a year and this isn’t a particularly special holiday for her.

AIBU to now approach SIL, voice my concerns and ask her to come up with a care plan that doesn’t rely on goodwill from friends and neighbours.

I really wish someone had given me this excellent advice when we were caring for our very belligerent and manipulative mother in law. She even had my husband and sister in law convinced that I’d made up how Ill and was ( I was the one who took her to her hospital appointments) as she was desperate not to lose her driving licence ( which was mandatory removal for her condition). She caused so many rows- I should have kept right out of it and left it to them.

If she had agreed to cover care whilst OP and her husband were away... then its a shitty thing to do.
Its on her now to arrange alternate care .

Its on her now to arrange alternate care

I think she has done.

Hi . Thank you for the continued advice and interesting debate. Much appreciated.

As others have said, MIL needs respite care. Involving social services will require an in-depth conversation about her needs, which may be more useful for DH to consider the situation from a professional's perspective, removing you as the bad guy. Hopefully there will be a place available at short notice. Perhaps SIL can do some running now she's passive-aggressively forced the situation. She and DH can help by recording everything they are currently doing for her. A digital copy will help the worker get things moving.

I have worked in the care sector for 20+ years with older people and in my experience, when people with dementia get anxious like MIL, they do benefit from the security that a care home offers. Respite could be a taster; she may find that she really enjoys the company and routine and her relationship with her family can return to just that, without the complications that come with the caring role.

Time for MIL to go into care so you all can live. SIL selfish

I have exactly the same problem with my dad but I have no back up carers just me and my husband. To be able to take a holiday we have organised for him to go to a home for respite care. He wasn’t keen, but after a few visits he has come around. I organised it privately as he can’t claim any money to help with the fees.

This

Not an answer to your problem, but possibly a forward-looking view on coping with an elderly relative - my mother (90s) lived in a house where my older sister had to travel an hour each way to see her - just about every day. Eventually she qualified for carers and moved into sheltered accommodation. And for the three years she lived there her life changed so much for the better. She was much nearer my sister and having been appalled at the thought of carers they became her lifeline to the world outside and would tell her everything that was going on in their lives and she loved it. She was 98 when she died, my sister had much more free time but still saw her regularly (as did I). I would go back and appeal that decision that she doesn't need carers, often if they deem a case 'borderline' (when it obviously isn't) a lot of pushing can reverse that. Best of luck.

@Hangingonthere My mother is just like that too. She knows loads about the lives of her carers and will regale me with it.

If one of them has a baby or becomes a grandparent, auntie, uncle then when my sister or I take her shopping we have to help her buy outfits for the new baby. 😃

They really do become people's lifelines and connection to the outside world.

Hi OP, I care for my mother inlaw in my home and the advice I would give you going forward is you will need a care plan put in place for the future. It may be carers helping out at home or a care home. Respite care when you go on your breaks. My MIL used to live next door to us since my FIL died but a few years ago she had a fall and moved in with us. It has been endless to be honest but I love my MIL and she is such a lovely lady. We have always been very close.

Nearly four years of caring at home, my MIL who had mixed dementia, double incontinent and is now bed bound due to health and mobility issues. We paid for carers to come in 4 times a day to help and they have been an absolute lifeline to us. We have a hospital bed and arrangements are made for end of life care.We have always cared for my MIL even when she was living on her own and like with your DH and SIL, I was cooking meals, cleaning, sorting out medication, washing, shopping and then it was personal care, hospital/doctors appointments. My DH would be paying all the bills, keeping her home maintained etc but he worked full time in a stressful job so we decided after her fall it would be easier for her to move in with us thinking she would recover and move back next door. It became apparent after a month she needed to stay with us.

It hasn't been easy at times with all the arrangements and I have endless carers, district nurses, doctors etc in my home. We have a keysafe in place so everyone just let's them selves in due to me going back to work part time, school runs, etc

The only thing I probably didn't realise is caring for a love one full time either in their home or in your home is different from caring for someone who isnt a relative in their home or a care home/hospital setting. It is because it is 24/7, you don't get to finish your shift and then close your door at home. I am a nurse so I see the difference and can't always switch off. The carers who come in everyday are just amazing. They go above and beyond and my MIL is happy with us and them. Without the carers she would be in a care home which we didn't want. We had to sell her home to pay for the care which we had to do either way.

Is your MIL claiming attendance allowance and if so your DH can claim carers allowance but it depends how many hours he worked if he has another job. You are all doing an amazing thing, keeping your MIL in her home, and obviously work as a team but it isn't easy. You need your holidays and their are care companies who will help out with your MIL when you are away or care homes will offer Respite care, but you will need to be flexible with your holiday dates.

I wish you all well going forward and hope you get to go on your break away.

I would be going on my holiday with my DH and letting SIL deal with it. She knew you would be on holiday. Your DH isn't listening and doesn't see any issue. Let SIL sort it all out.

When I let my DH sort out things with his parents and his sister, my life got so much easier. And his sister has had to deal with so much more since.

Enjoy your holiday and remind DH that he put his sister in charge if he feels he needs to fly back.

Did you manage to get to some sort of agreement? Has DH changed his mind in any way?

This.

I'd be outraged that she'd booked the same dates and I'd be telling hubby to tell her she has to do something about it because shes known about you both going away for time and why should her need for down time be more important than yours.

Actually, impulsive me would do that.
Rational me.... I'd try and put it better and not so gun ho!
I don't think speaking to her will help you though; don't get involved in sibling stuff.
DH needs to come to terms with the fact that his mum isn't going to get any better and that his and his DSis job will get so much harder taking care of her without professional help.

Respite for this trip is an idea although how MIL reacts to having strangers in her home would be on my mind. That being said, it might not be on yours (what I mean by that is everyone is different).

Good luck as this is a horrendous thing to go through.

Maybe there needs to be fall out and things needs to go 'wrong' and social services needs to be called back in to re-assess...

Morning . Thanks for continued advice and sharing your experiences of caring for a parent .

Update , I spoke with the friend who DH and SIL are relying on to fill the gap in care . Long story short . Neither DH / SIL had asked this lady official about providing care . She wasn’t even aware of the dates, only that when she found out that they were both away at the same time she said she would pop in more . She also stated “ she can’t do personal care “ . We had a good talk and yes, it turns out she believes MIL is deteriorating and she was already concerned about DH and SIL going away . She is now going to bring her concerns up to the family . I am so relieved that I’m not alone in my thinking . I’ve taken this info back to DH and told him he needs to get something in place .

And unless she can fund that herself, the decision as to whether she gets a place in a care home, or home care visits rests with the local authority. If they’re funding it they will always go for the cheapest possible option.

@Souredgrapes Well done for speaking to MIL's friend OP - not least so that she's better informed. It's rather naughty of your DH and SIL to so casually impose on this woman - I'd be rather annoyed if I were her. Hopefully, your DH and SIL can see this.

It sounds like your DH and SIL are both in denial about how care their DM needs. Often it takes someone on the outside to point out the deterioration before a proper car plan is put in place.

Sadly I know all this, been there, done that etc. It's heart breaking beyond belief 💔 but sometimes the hardest decisions are.

Glad you spoke to the friend and got her pov. Hopefully DH will listen to her concerns. If she won't do personal care, will MIL get in a bit of a state when she toilets? Or is she still ok to take care of her hygiene needs?

She wasn’t even aware of the dates, only that when she found out that they were both away at the same time she said she would pop in more . She also stated “ she can’t do personal care “

They didn't ask her?

That really is taking advantage.

I wonder if when she offered she was expecting to be told that care had been sorted but to just pop in to chat if she wanted?

If your husband & SIL aren't being realistic the only one losing out is their mum as they are keeping her from the care she needs.

Perhaps having carers in 3-4 times a day will also alleviate the loneliness that causes MiL to text so frequently? I suggest you book them privately for 14 days to cover your ten days away. That's two days before you go and two days after your return. He and SiL can meet with them on Days 1 & 2 to introduce them to MiL, explain things, reassure himself she'll be well looked after. Tell her it's a trial run, which it is. Put the carers on MiL's speed dial.

Then go away and try to relax and enjoy your well deserved holiday, put DH's phone on silent for blocks of time giving him a rest from incessant demands.

Compare notes on your return and consider keeping the carers on.

Personal care has been mentioned. From experience something has to be put in place.

While Mum was still in her own house (prior to our getting the work on our place finished so that she could move in) I got a phone call early in the morning, before I left for work. I lived about 15 miles away from Mum.

At that stage, Mum was able to toilet herself - but she'd had a reaction to a food supplement. (Ensure. Too much can cause tummy trouble.)

Mum had tried to deal with it herself, but had made things worse. The carer on that morning was young and inexperienced and had freaked out.

The care company arranged for someone extra to go in to help Mum, but I had to go in to deal with everything else myself.

I still don't know how I managed to get everything done on time. I did what was needed and just made it into work in time.

In the meantime, the carers helped mum.

The best option for OP's MIL really is respite. Even having a care team in won't allow for unexpected emergencies if MIL is at home. Someone from the family would still have to be on call - adult grandchildren, I assume?

She can toilet herself for now other than the commode needs emptying if it’s used overnight. But that’s likely because she’s not exhausted by doing everything else by herself. X