Who will look after MIL after this avoidable cock up ?

[Souredgrapes]

DH and SIL both provide a lot of home support for MIL . One of them see her every day . Shop , prepare food, supervise meds , take her out . Without this support she would need professional carers for sure . Despite this help , MIL texts DH several time a day / evening with very emotive messages . Says she’s in pain , lonely , hungry, can’t find the remote. All of her needs are being met so these texts really are not on but forgivable as she has early dementia and lives alone. When we do pop in after such a text ( 17 miles away) she’s always ok . We also have cameras on her so we know she’s fine .

DH and I booked a special holiday at the end of last year and gave SIL the dates . We have only been able to take 2 previous holidays abroad in the past 11 years so this is a big deal for us. It’s not quite “trip of a lifetime” , but alone those lines. We go at the end of this month for 10 days .

SIL has now booked a holiday abroad for exactly the same dates ! She found a deal she couldn’t resist apparently .

I have suggested to DH that professional carers are brought in as MIL is unlikely to be safe in her own home without their support .

DH isn’t listening to my concerns as he thinks I’m being driven by the selfish thought that Mils endless texting and calls during our holiday are going to spoil it . He’s not wrong to be fair , because this is exactly what will happen at best . At worst , MIL will have an accident and then DH will likely fly back . I’ve already said I won’t leave early . As you can image these conversations are tense as I’m coming across badly in his opinion .

I can’t believe the idiocy of the situation which was totally avoidable. I honestly thought SIL would cancel her holiday given the amount of care they both put in and that our holiday was booked first and is a big one . Sil holidays 2 to 4 times a year and this isn’t a particularly special holiday for her.

AIBU to now approach SIL, voice my concerns and ask her to come up with a care plan that doesn’t rely on goodwill from friends and neighbours.

I also agree with the "done to force the issue" posters. I also think that you have made your position clear and now its in your DH's court. Honestly having been there both personally and professionally, my sympathy is with SIL. I voted YABU because you seem to think that SIL is in the wrong here.

If you booked first, it’s up to SIL to sort her out.

Can you not suggest MIL goes 'on holiday' to respite care? That way you ALL get a break.

Respite care sounds like it would be a good solution for this, and potentially pave the way for future developments as her care needs become increasingly complex. My mum used to work in a council run respite care home and many people used it just for a break from caring responsibilities. All residents were treated with the utmost respect - it was managed more like a hotel to be honest, so the residents still had a good sense of freedom, privacy of own rooms etc.

we Booked my DM into a private home for a month because we (siblings and our families) were all going ito a family wedding abroad and tagging on holidays; DM had had covid and we didn’t think she would manage very well without us. She liked it so much she decided to stay - which might well be a result for you guys

She's got dementia and doesn't have professional carers? Instead her two children are running themselves ragged caring for her? She needs carers. This is a good opportunity to get them in and get her used to them.

I think you need to send a written group message to both your DH and your SIL and ask them point blank what plans are in place for MIL's care since SIL has decided to go away at the same time as your own long-booked holiday and your DH doesn't think this is an issue.

You can't just leave her in the house, alone, with no support. Not an option. So what is their plan exactly.

I think I would say to SIL ‘Chris is beside himself with worry about your Mum for the week we’re away. I’m worried he won’t be able to relax on this holiday. This is our second holiday in 11years and is costing us an arm and a leg. I have to say I’m astounded you’ve booked the same week. One bloody week, out of the whole year!

That's the point i keep coming back to.

The answer is respite care in a care home, and hopefully you can get it. I remember my FIL going for respite care when he was very disabled and his wife just needed a break. Your DH and his sister will need to get their finger out and organise it though.

I am inclined to agree with those suggesting that this might be a situation that has been engineered by your SIL in order to force the issue of proper care for their mother. Has either of them (particularly your DH) been refusing to have that conversation?

Personally, I would stop providing care full stop. Let your H and his sister work it all out.

Yet more agreeing with Sil is doing this to force the issue and rightfully so.

"DH isn’t listening to my concerns as he thinks I’m being driven by the selfish thought that Mils endless texting and calls during our holiday are going to spoil it .

It's time for your husband to face the fact that his mom needs more care than he and Sil can provide. Why is he resistant? Is he trying to save money for more inheritance?

Well texts & call are going to spoil the holiday as there is nothing you can do & he'll be miserable!

He & his sister need to look into respite care with a view to permanent care I would think.

Is the current situation really best for his mum?

No. SIL and OP's DH are both run ragged trying to care for their mother and both probably need the break.

Far better to ask to acknowledge the very trying situation and just ask to clarify what the plan for respite care is for MIL because of concerns over her safety if left alone for that length of time. Maybe also suggesting that the issue of ongoing care should also now be discussed because the status quo will probably soon become unsustainable as MIL's care needs become more and more complex.

It's best not to inflame the situation much further. It's shitty all round as things are.

Agree with previous posters who have suggested that your DH and SIL could use this as an opportunity to ramp up the care being provided for your MIL (provided she has funds/can access this through SS).

At the least it feels as though a carers' assessment should be sought by DH and SIL.

But ultimately it is their issue to solve; all you can do is draw your own boundaries, keep calmly making the case for MIL to have more support, in order to reduce the 'single point of failure' risk and make DH and SIL's support of her more sustainable.

My parent has responded well to having a 'PA' (not a carer, but a very very versatile support worker) who comes in twice a week, helps with admin and organisation, paperwork, supports shopping and meals on wheels deliveries, runs errands, would supervise physio (if parent would let her!), and generally troubleshoots. My sibling and I have made the case that this greatly reduces the pressure on me, as I couldn't keep up with my parent's needs, but now when I visit it's more like 'fun' than 'help'. I don't know whether that feels like a model that your MIL, DH and SIL could find easier to accept?

She needs to go into respite care - tbh it sounds like she will be needing full time care before long anyway so it could be a good practice run.
SIL is a tit.

Your mil needs a lot more support now whether it be carers popping in twice a day, a live in carer, respite or moved to a permanent supported living accommodation.

As you can image these conversations are tense as I’m coming across badly in his opinion .

In addition to what others are saying, don’t allow him to mischaracterise you. You are right to be concerned and there is nothing wrong with you wanting to have a break or wanting your husband to be present with you on that break. He doesn’t need to be writing a nasty narrative that you’re being selfish when it sounds like you’ve been quite understanding and supportive. He’s taking his feelings about his mother’s decline out on you. You aren’t his emotional punching bag, so don’t let him get away with that.

It’s pretty straight forward. If her two main carers can’t care for her she needs someone else to. End of.

oh that's a tough one OP.

I would say: stay out of it except at the most superficial level. your DH and SIL now need to arrange care for MIL for while they are away. Frankly? she needs to be in a home, and this might help push them into making the decision.

The messages are a lot, but that is between DH and his mother, it doesn't seem to bother him.

But you also need to tell him that you will not be leaving your holiday early for any reason, and that he needs to think long and hard about what circumstances will provoke him to leave. Is SIL likely to cut her holiday short for any reason? He needs to think about why that might be.

But as far as you're concerned? carry on as usual. Support your DH to make the decisions that you all know need to be made.

I don't think she is a tit. I think she is at the end of her rope and feels the only thing to do is to force her brother to pay attention.

How did you find this PA ? I need someone like this for my parents.