Who will look after MIL after this avoidable cock up ?

[Souredgrapes]

DH and SIL both provide a lot of home support for MIL . One of them see her every day . Shop , prepare food, supervise meds , take her out . Without this support she would need professional carers for sure . Despite this help , MIL texts DH several time a day / evening with very emotive messages . Says she’s in pain , lonely , hungry, can’t find the remote. All of her needs are being met so these texts really are not on but forgivable as she has early dementia and lives alone. When we do pop in after such a text ( 17 miles away) she’s always ok . We also have cameras on her so we know she’s fine .

DH and I booked a special holiday at the end of last year and gave SIL the dates . We have only been able to take 2 previous holidays abroad in the past 11 years so this is a big deal for us. It’s not quite “trip of a lifetime” , but alone those lines. We go at the end of this month for 10 days .

SIL has now booked a holiday abroad for exactly the same dates ! She found a deal she couldn’t resist apparently .

I have suggested to DH that professional carers are brought in as MIL is unlikely to be safe in her own home without their support .

DH isn’t listening to my concerns as he thinks I’m being driven by the selfish thought that Mils endless texting and calls during our holiday are going to spoil it . He’s not wrong to be fair , because this is exactly what will happen at best . At worst , MIL will have an accident and then DH will likely fly back . I’ve already said I won’t leave early . As you can image these conversations are tense as I’m coming across badly in his opinion .

I can’t believe the idiocy of the situation which was totally avoidable. I honestly thought SIL would cancel her holiday given the amount of care they both put in and that our holiday was booked first and is a big one . Sil holidays 2 to 4 times a year and this isn’t a particularly special holiday for her.

AIBU to now approach SIL, voice my concerns and ask her to come up with a care plan that doesn’t rely on goodwill from friends and neighbours.

I don't want to add to your worries, but be aware that commodes are notorious for toppling.

I think I mentioned above that a relative down south had to phone a neighbour to come in and lift her off the floor after hers went over. (That happened only a few days ago.)

You have my sympathy.
All branches of dementia are awful but Alzheimer's (if that is the case here) is so soul destroying (not invalidating any other illness)

My sil and I cared for my mil for several years. She would never have allowed any of her son's to do personal and intimate care.
If we'd been in this situation I would have tried respite in a nursing home and failing that a live in carer from a reputable agency. I think its going to cost you £2.5k either way for 10 days Her friend could then visit.

Going forward a care home may be the solution. We all panicked when mil went, initially for a week's respite. She however loved the home and stayed there til we lost her.

Morning . Thought I would add an update but first a big thank you for your support and for sharing your own experiences. It gave me the “ammunition “ I needed to convince DH / SIL that leaving MIL without a proper care package while both of them are away wasn’t feasible. SIL reported back to DH that a carer has been engaged etc and all good .
I will just remind folk DH works full time shifts and does a lot of care for his Mum between shifts including before / after night shifts but SIL works 1 to 2 days a week ( or less ) so a lot more care does fall her way .

Anyway , I have been given an outline of what’s in place and there are still a lot of gaps and reliance on non professionals to keep MIL safe . I’m in a bit of disbelief but nothing that can be done about it now . I just hope MIL is ok and there are no emergencies.

Yet she knew exactly what dates you were going, knew exactly the problems it was going to cause, but still did it anyway. What exactly did she think was going to happen to her mum if anything happened while both you and she were away? Which of the two if you was she expecting to fly back? Sorry but I find it almost impossible to believe that someone who was so heavily invested in providing day to day care did not have the insight to realise that booking the exact same dates as you was going to be a very bad idea.

Social services are saying she can cope because she can with dh and sil help. Why would as offer support when they will do it? I also think sil may have done this deliberately/subconsciously but I also don’t blame her. Mil needs more care than your joint families can provide and everyone needs to realise and do something about it. Ultimately, that may be allowing a crisis situation if mil won’t accept care but sadly that might be what it takes.

there are still a lot of gaps and reliance on non professionals to keep MIL safe

What does your husband think now re him flying back if there’s a problem?

The authorities often drop the ball, but I had the following experience.

One time, Mum was in hospital with a fractured pelvis. I had phoned the hospital to say that I couldn't come in to visit/bring in clothes - I had shingles. (I've since had it a few times. Stress is a trigger. This was worst.)

The very next day, I had a cheerful phone call from a nurse to say that Mum was being discharged.

"B..but...You can't! I have shingles and there's no one else."

"Her care package is being reinstated."

"But there's nothing in the house for her. No food. Nothing. Mum manages because I support the carers. I'm an only child. There's no one who can help." She was also being discharged in a worse state than before her fall - the hospital refused to give her physio and said she'd never walk again. They'd only practiced getting her to stand up and sit down.

"She's being discharged tomorrow."

I phoned the Social Work Dept. Mums social worker was signed off work, so I was passed to another woman.

I explained the situation. She told me not to panic.

She phoned back and said "Right. I've booked your mum into [a reasonably local] care home for respite. I've had this situation before, and the home is very good at rehabilitating people."

Mum was transferred to the home. I got a phone call from the Manager, a nurse. Lovely chap.

"We had your mum in the sitting room with the other clients with dementia, but she's a bit more talkative than them, so we've moved her to another sitting room."

The following day, I had another phone call. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing! I thought you would want to know...We had a Daniel O'Donnell DVD playing in a adjacent sitting room. Next thing, your mum was getting out of her chair and using the grab rails to walk to the next room so that she could hear the music better!"

Once I recovered, we got Mum back home.